End of the Month Round-up

I'm sort of embarrassed to be coming here, again, to say...um, fail.  All of this month's goals went out the window.  Though we did do maintenance from other months, so I guess that is good.

I didn't intend to do so, but I spent this month reading a lot in an attempt to better understand my brain and my kids' brains. My husband would be like, you are reading another one (I think, ahem, seven books?  can you say, still nursing?  can't let go?)?  I've learned so much about the hows and whys of ADD life, including adjusted schedules and routines to fit our own circumstance.  For example, I've learned how important routines are (ha, funny), how important exercise is, and how important it is to structure one's environment to give reminders (now I know why I have become a religious user of the timer in the kitchen!  could not survive without it, even if I have to put something in for two more minutes I always set it for that or else I forget and burn something!), how important it is to tack one task on to another, how important socialization is, how important it is to unlock the hidden potential and talents within ADD, and how (so obvious to me now!) important it is to be careful not to overdo it (poor concept of time and the like).   I have gained a whole bunch of insight into myself and how I function, and have started accepting that I will just plain never be good at some things.  I've already adjusted some other tasks and expectations-- all it took was a little encouragement to see just how miserable I was at "x" .  And hyperfocus?  I'm thinking that I need to structure my day to take advantage of hyperfocus, and accept how difficult it is for me to switch gears.  So if I can give myself bigger chunks of time to do something, rather than a bunch of little ones that alternate (here is one example:  I have read many times that someone with our family size should do laundry every day, but this just does not work for me.  I think I'd rather have a mountain twice a week, than a string of clean/dirty laundry that never ends!)

I will do a post about the books I read soon, I don't know why I never read a book on the subject sooner!  I've still had my ups and downs as I've alternated between a sense of relief (I finally know why I struggle with some things!), validation (there are many other people out there who have been through it to!), and, lets just admit it, sadness, as I mourn for what I've lost and mourn a bit for my kids who will have some struggles to face up to yet.  Finally, peace, as I have realized that ADD presents a whole new range of opportunities and possibilities, just waiting to be unlocked, as I finally accept the things I can't do alone, as well as accepting the gifts that come with it too.  Here is to a fresh start!

We have been enjoying the outdoors this week!  It has been a really beautiful, cool, leave-your-windows-open-at-night-and-snuggle-up-under-the-covers (and rush around shutting them when the rain rolls in!) kind of week.  The little ones and I have had some adventures.  I love that they are still little and with me during the day.  And I am so excited for school to get out!  To have everyone all to myself, less schedules, and some warm weather to enjoy.  Have a marvelous weekend, dear ones!

Are You the Parent of a Goalie or a Forward?

Okay, this is really random today.  We have had a very adventuresome week and lots of great photos to share for next, but today I need a small nap!  So I'm saving the photos for next week (or maybe tomorrow, we'll see!).

I'm not sure why, but a couple of my posts about speaking positively to kids seem to get the most traffic around here.  I find it to be really encouraging that parents out there are trying to find ways to speak more positively to their kids!  So, this is really random for today, but I had something along those lines I wanted to share.

My son has been playing goalie for his soccer team this season.  Let me tell you, I think he does a fantastic job, especially considering he hasn't ever had any formal goalie training.  And maybe it is a blessing or a curse, but his team has lost nearly every game they've played, and, before he started playing goalie full time, they lost by a lot (I told myself I didn't care about winning, until this very deflating experience-- I have a new perspective on mercy rules).  I think the positive in here is that if your team isn't that good, at least the goalie is getting lots of action and practice!   Just think how boring it would be being keeper for a really good team.  I have also been touched by the amount of support the boys on our team get.  We have a huge cheering section, even in bad weather, and I have been touched by all the parents who come out to watch their sons get creamed.

As you know, I used to play soccer too, only I played on the opposite end of the field, as a forward.

Here is the thing: as a goalie, no matter how well you do, you can never do better than "0."  You could be the best goalie in the world, and yet, your best efforts can only keep you at that 0 mark.  More than likely, you aren't perfect, so each mistake is a strike against you and your team.  A forward, in contrast, has nothing to lose (this analogy is a little loose, just stick with me).  Each goal she scores is one above 0, hence the glory of the forward.  Contrast how often you see people jumping up and down hugging a goalie or performing crazy antics after a save, as opposed to how forwards are treated after a goal.

I'm not articulating this very well.  So forwards get a lot of positive praise, because each goal they score is a bonus, while playing goalie is sort of a losing endeavor because you get in trouble if you slip up, as each goal scored on you is a strike against you, so to speak.

The same is true of grades in school, in a way.  I used to think it was crazy that 80% was such a low score, because, in my book, it was 80 points more than 0!  And yet that 80% is looked at by teachers more as a subtraction from 100, not an addition over 0.

This made me realize-- how do I treat my kids?  Do I hold them to that 100% mark, and anything they do less than perfect is reprimanded?  Or do I look at each thing they do well, or good, and see that as a number greater than 0?  Do I treat them as a goalie or a forward?

I have always responded so much better to positive praise than I have to criticism, reprimands, or punishments.  I imagine most kids are the same way?  So often it seems so easy to ignore the good behavior, and just focus on the behavior that is out of line.  It seems worthwhile to me to understand which approach I'm taking, and to make sure I stay positive, helping my child feel safe making mistakes, and feel validated, cheered for, and reinforced for all the good things he or she is doing.  The response in a child to positive reinforcement can be absolutely life changing for both parent and child.  (and especially those with ADD, update coming soon)

Clear as mud.

Memorial Day Weekend Part 1

We had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, I hope you did too!  We rushed off to travel to my father-in-laws house, and in our rush my husband forgot his Sunday pants and I forgot....uh....underwear.  How did I do that?  Don't worry, problem got solved, though I did learn a little more about some people than I wanted to know, as I got some colorful suggestions from some people that will make it hard for me to look at them the same way from now on.  And my son, he made the funniest comment.  It worked out.  No commando, sorry buddy.

My husband and father-in-law spent the first part of the weekend fixing our car, which took one and a half days instead of 4 hours like the manual said, but fixed nonetheless.  We enjoyed our time just being lazy while they were busy fixin' (a much needed break I tell you!), and we had to get creative on Sunday morning since we were all ready for church and no car!  No Sunday pants!  So we had our own wiggly little church, all dressed up in our Sunday clothes, in the upstairs bedroom of my father in laws farmhouse, deep organ bells replaced by bell-like windchimes, while a cool breeze billowed the white-curtained windows in and out.    It turned out to be quite nice.  And then we had a lazy rest of the day, sprawled out on the floor coloring or reading or playing games on worn checkered quilts that brought back the memory of my husband's mother-- her warm red cheeks, her welcoming hugs, her motherly ways.  I remembered how I fell in love with their place and their way of life, during our courtship, and how much I enjoyed being part of their family. (even if we bailed hay and castrated a bull on my first visit!  a bit of a shock for a city girl like me, but at heart I am really a country girl!)

On Monday we visited my hubby's mom's grave.  I'll fill you in about the rest some time this week!

 My only two children to have met their grandmother sat the longest at her grave.

 Wonder what Grandma thought of Guido.

 Or what Emerson thought of Grandma.

 I always try to get my kids to be respectful in a cemetery, and yet there is an inner playfulness that always seems to be bursting out.  I have often wondered if a graveyards recipients, if they are aware of what is going on, do not enjoy the happy, playful, energetic little souls and rather wish to hush the children's mothers!

 Forgive my headstone editing here (just to protect some privacy, I guess).  I just loved the sweet dandelion offering.

Funny

I know I just blogged about helping siblings get along.  Isn't so much easier to blog about them getting along, to soliloquize and extemporize and extrapolate fancy theories about children's behavior?  And yet, whose behavior really fits into some neat little box?  One reason I take some parenting books with a grain of salt.  Because they are often written by men, who are probably sitting in a suit somewhere in a quiet, air-conditioned office writing away to their hearts content, while the women they are writing about (who are going on a partial nights sleep for who knows how long) are trying to bend over with a big pregnant belly in the grocery store while one child wails about not getting some candy and the other one makes a mad dash for the exit.  It never works like it does in the books!  Of course we can write it all pretty-like on a page.  But in real life, we are the warriors in the trenches, who both dig the trenches and man them, who get right down in the dirt and fight like crazy just to stay alive some days (excuse my over-generalization, I know there are stay home dads and just dads in general who definitely are right there with us).   Mr. Child Expert has never struggled just to take a simple shower before 5 o'clock.  And yet, I love parenting!  So much.  Another day.  Its just okay if things don't work out for you just like you thought they should before you had kids, or just like some guy in a tie and an air conditioned office who has never been pregnant thinks they should.

Ah, I digress.  So I have a few fun photos, since I was just extemporizing about sibling love.  They aren't knock-down-drag-out photos (we have those too sometimes), but they are funny nonetheless.  For the funniest fight in progress I have seen in a while, see this.  Funny because...I don't know why!  It's just funny!  And I can relate.

Also, you can see how healthy we were eating on this particular night!  You know what, I'm digressing again, but I didn't realize just how much I needed my own perfectionist post on Wed.  I didn't realize that a few things I'm stymied on right now are perfectionist-paralysis.  I needed a reminder that its better to do things half way than not at all!

You know what? I'm not even going to edit these (living on the edge, I know).  Or worry that someone's hair isn't done.

This little girl discovered that by opening and closing her hands, at different times, she could get her sisters (who were sitting on either side of her) to sing or stop singing.  You can see when she is quite pleased with herself and you can also see the times when her sisters just were not cooperating.  This little girl makes me laugh.

Happy, happy weekend everyone!  I hope you are going somewhere fun or able to get some projects done or just able to enjoy a quiet weekend.

Too Perfect

I enjoyed my break yesterday!  I missed you, and I thought of a million things I suddenly wanted to blog about.  I have been agonizing for several months about cutting back, but the sense of relief I felt yesterday seemed to tell me I made the right choice, at least for now! 

A couple of months ago I read a book called "Too Perfect: When Being In Control Gets Out of Control" (random, I know).  I don't know what I was expecting to learn.  Even though I wasn't thinking of this blog when I read it, I realized there are practical applications to this blog.  Because this project is resolution-based, in my case based on making the most of my years with my children and being a better parent, I realized that sometimes good intentions can cross the line from helpful to hurtful.  I think many of us have a certain ideal in mind that we strive for, as we tweak little things about ourselves.  But when does trying to be better cross the line into perfectionism and thus become harmful? 

Here is what I did learn, in a nutshell.

Perfectionism becomes harmful when it interferes with your relationships with others. 

Perfectionism can lead to procrastination (you won't do it unless it can be perfect), irritability (nothing meets your standards), hoarding possessions or money (anxiety about the future), image (you must look perfect to all people at all times), sensitivity to criticism (must be perfect, therefore any criticism reveals flaws), controlling behaviors (if I control you, then I control my life), all or nothing thinking (if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all), an unwillingness to let others help (it has to be done just right), difficulty finishing some projects, rigid thinking (there is a best way, and that way is this way only), overwork to make things just so, difficulty relaxing, and my-way-or-the-highway thinking.   I don't know about you, but none of those things makes me feel exactly warm and fuzzy inside. 

That balance can be hard.  I went on a cleaning rampage a few weeks ago, and once I got going, I got grouchy and mean to anyone who got in my way!  I realized I would rather have a few things out of place, than to be constantly on my children or resentful at their little unintentional tornado ways.  I liked my old self better.  For me, being more perfect as a parent means relaxing my standards a little for some things, so I'm not so uptight.   I have a saying on a wall of the house: "the most important things in life aren't things."  Do you ever get caught up in things?  Cleaning things, buying things, looking at other peoples things?  Its nice to remember that the most important things are the ones that are less tangible-- happiness, love, knowledge, the feeling a child carries around in his or her heart that there are no things more important to you than she is.

What is it that I am placing as first priority?  Perfectionism can undermine balance big time, and balance is the essence of perfect (not the appearance of perfection, because then something is probably out of balance)!  In the end, where your "treasure lies" is where you spend the best parts of your time and energy.  I find that when I spend most of my time on my house, it becomes my "treasure" by default.  It becomes the thing I have invested the most time in and therefore the thing I want most to protect.  Thankfully, the same is true for my little people, when I put them first (though sometimes my house is that "good" thing!).

I do enjoy being better!  I love the feeling I get when I improve myself, especially as I look back in time and compare my new self with my old self.  One of the reasons I love being Christian is the beauty of grace, since I fall short no matter how hard I try, and the power of Christ to change my very nature.

But I found this book to be a helpful reminder that perfect (I wrote about this here) and perfectionism are pretty much opposites.

This particular book was very sensitively written, for those perfectionists out there who are a little, well, sensitive!

I would love to hear your thoughts.  Do you see it when things cross over into perfectionist territory?  How does it make you feel?  (I feel awful)  Are there things that you just can't not be perfect with, that you struggle to allow yourself some space to be a little less than perfect?  (my husband probably wishes I were a perfectionist with a few things)  How do you keep the balance between bettering yourself and not allowing perfectionism to undermine your long term goals, such as relationships with your children?  LOL.  Some parts of this post have been hard for me as I fought my inner perfectionist! 

Some Weekend Images

I say some weekend images, you are going to have to use your imagination here!  Sorry, there were many times I wished I'd had my camera!

One day my little four year-old was walking into an adjoining room with me following, when she tilted her head to the side and looked at me with measuring eyes as if she were just noticing something for the first time.  She poked a little finger in my direction and said "oh.  Look at your ears.  They're very small.   That's why you can't hear good."  (no trust me, I have just gotten really bad about tuning you out!)

We folded an entire weeks clothes, since we've been washer/dryer-less, to the sound of The Black Cauldron (with lots of prompts from me to "listen while you fold!" as little ones drifted into the story).   We sat in our mess and ate pizza with a tired Grandma and Grandpa, freshly moved.

Our after-church lunch on Sunday was as goofy a blend of different-aged chiming-in humor.  Somehow the conversation went from crowns (my tooth), to being dubbed a knight by the Queen of England (and turning to bite the sword each time it touched a shoulder).  Huh?  We were laughing so hard (me, sometimes in horror at things like the latter, or in horror at my own un-funny contributions, or at my husband's bewilderment that any of us could find any of it so funny-- ok, he did laugh a little).

We went for a walk on Sunday afternoon.  The mountains were a gorgeous neon green, with clouds playing checkers on jutting grey granite and black spotted pines and white capped snow.  The sky was a brilliant blue, slow-motion bumper-car puffball clouds, some melting into a misty grey almost as if they emanated from the ancient rock.  We traipsed across the garden, lined with rows of sprouting green and mud, across a pebble path, through some weeds, and across our neighbor's lawn.  We peered into a tree to see a magpie nest and tried to spy one of the baby birds before they've all left the nest, as mama bird perched anxiously on a nearby tree and crowed at us protectively.

When we were somewhat unsuccessful (sweet nest, I tell you) (only saw one baby, who wasn't very cooperative at giving us a good look), we scattered into various directions, little eyes looking at bugs or throwing rocks.  I waded into some knee high grass under a bending white willow thick with the smell of hollow-soil-- rotting wet tree bits and the fresh twang of wet spring grass.  We held our breath when we saw a fuzzy throated baby magpie just on the branch above us, hopping clumsily about on his branch.

Then we swashed back the way we came, leaving a winding tunnel of pressed grass in our wake, and undoubtedly a happy relieved baby and mama bird.

We decided to (redirect) a couple of restless little wandering littles and walked instead down the path in the other direction.  The gravel crunched beneath our feet, the syncopated rhythm of big strides and little as we talked in breathless excitement and breathed in the late afternoon coolness.  The sky to the north had a decided veil of misty grey reaching from cloud-tip to yellow, burnt orange, new green, and brown grasses.  I wrapped my arm around a little four year old's protruding tummy and pointed, showing her how the water in the clouds gets heavy and falls down as rain.   As we walked or skipped in our line of disparate heights and tempos, I breathed in the beautiful sky, the grass, as if saying hello to a long-lost friend.  It hit me in that moment, how much I love all these big and little people I get to call my family, the people I get to share so many adventures with.

We walked toward the white house with the red barn where a man was feeding his chickens.  And then it came.  A few drops and then a whole sheet of gray had reached us just as we were anticipating some chicken feeding, made us stop in our tracks, laugh, wonder, and run!  In a jagged line toward home, with shouts and laughs and littles boosted up on bigger backs.

We rushed inside and closed all of the windows one by one, a happy babble and dripping things.  Then we enjoyed a little treat around the table as we watched the rain come down outside, shrouding everything and sprinkling the windows in happy tears.

One little girl went back out, unbeknownst to us, until we saw her streaking through the rain on her bike, with streaming wet hair and a smile on her face!  (that girl!)

A do-nothing happy day.

Teaching Siblings How to Get Along & Reducing Sibling Rivalry

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

--Bill Cosby



Before I had kids, I thought that kids either got along, or they didn't.  And I thought that fighting siblings was just going to be part of the parenting territory, something to be expected.

Then my first two kids surprised me.  They just got along so well, right from the first.  Even if my older son was a bit, shall we say, enthusiastic, in his love for little sister?

I learned a few things, I'm convinced, completely by accident.  Because my kids fight way less than I ever expected them to (they still fight, trust me, but they are good buddies most of the time).   Others I learned from some wonderful seasoned mothers that I still feel so grateful to!  So, take them or leave them, here they are.

1)  Start from birth.

I know this can be hard, but involve older siblings in the care of the new baby.  Approach baby care tasks as a team when appropriate.  My older kids have enjoyed helping to bathe baby, coax out first smiles, or just gaze in wonder at new little sister.  As they bond to their new sibling as partnered with their bestie, Mom, it will increase your bond too, as long as you don't totally ignore the older child's needs.  I still gooed and gahed at my babies, but I tried to do it sensitively (look at her beautiful eyes!  lets look at yours now too!), and tried not to treat big bro or sis as a nuisance (I definitely felt it sometimes!).  It can be hard to be patient with an enthusiastic sibling (and protect that baby!  don't do anything outside of safety guidelines), but being patient with their form of love will pay off.  I tried to let baby be my guide (as advised by a very wise mother who I am still thankful to!).  If older sibling is doing something annoying, but the baby is not crying (it shocked me, but sometimes baby is even smiling!), don't intervene.  Just step in to protect baby from harm (this will also help relations, as baby will feel safe, knowing you will protect him/her), or if baby seems fussy or overwhelmed by big bro.

2)  Avoid comparisons, including words with "er" or "est."

This can become a habit before you know it!  I try not to use comparing words, like pretti-er, fast-est, etc. because they are comparing words that place people in a hierarchy.  Fast-est implies that someone is faster than someone else.  I just say pretty, or fast.  If I have to use comparing words, I use them for only that child-- "you are my favorite Ava in the whole world!" (we don't know any other Avas) rather than "you are the fastest girl in the world!"  I don't want my kid to define success as being relative, nor do I want him/her to feel my love is conditioned on performance, especially in relation to their own family.

Might seem finicky, but it works.

3)  Don't encourage competition between siblings.

Again, learned from a friend who learned this the hard way.  In her case, she would motivate her kids to get ready for bed by making bed prep a race-- with each other.  Her kids are now in their twenties and still don't get along super well, as they define success as being "better" than the other one!  My friend lamented about this long after it was too late to change it.  If we must race, I will have them race a parent or the clock.  But I try (not perfectly!) not to put them in competition with each other, as this sets up the inevitable loser for whining and jealousy that is often directed at the winning sibling.

4)  Give each child plenty of love and attention.

I know, I know!  Easier said than done.  But my kids behave the best when they've gotten enough love and attention from me.

5)  Don't play favorites.  In addition to obvious psychological damage, the jealous child will take out feelings of lowered self worth out on the favorite child.

6)  Teach them how to communicate.

Teach them how to ask kindly for a toy or a turn. They really aren't born knowing, in spite of my early misconceptions. :) Also, teach them words that they can use when they are frustrated or upset.  It is important that you validate their point of view, even if you feel a bit threatened by an emotion like anger ("you are angry.  You wanted a turn with that toy and it hurt your feelings when Suzi wouldn't share it with you.").  When you validate a child's point of view, she will be less likely to make herself heard by amping up the noise level or using some other odious means of showing that she is truly upset.  I will often ask my kids to take a first step of communicating to a playmate or sibling their frustration ("Go back and tell Suzi--I felt bad when you took my toy.  Can I have it back please?"), before I get involved.

I don't punish my kids for tattletale-ing, unless it is egregious or mean-spirited, but I do often provide a listening ear and some suggestions for them to try before I get involved.  I don't punish telling in part because I want to make sure I'm helping the other sibling learn, too (no way do I want the other  child to get away with taking toys right and left!  I am responsible for teaching him/her too).

7)  Teach them how to share.

Again, you can start from a young age.  Make a game out of it.  I give this to you, and you give it back.  Then make a big deal when they do share, clapping and hooray-ing.  Try to notice and praise sharing in regular play too.

8)  As long as no one is in immediate danger of death or dismemberment, give them a minute to work it out.  Working out conflict might be unpleasant to listen to but it teaches them an important life skill.  Unless, see below.

9)  Don't tolerate hitting, name calling, belittling, toy-taking, aggressive or bullying behavior.  I enjoyed this blog post: "Boys Will Be Boys: Is it Sibling Fighting or Bullying?"

I personally don't think bullying (don't be in denial, even if they are "good at heart!") should ever be tolerated.  We must stick up for our kids, for they have no way to escape a bullying brother or sister.  Bullying isn't always physical in nature, either.  It can include name calling, put downs, exclusion, to name a few.

10) Consequences.

Some of the biggies for me are: no hitting (immediate time out for anything physically aggressive), no toy taking (the toy must be returned immediately, even if I must pry it from their cold dead fingers), no name calling (time out).  It is pretty amazing just how many fights stem from these three behaviors.

11)  Negative behaviors like this respond best to consistency.  

Every time one yells, hits, or takes a toy, if he/she consistently receives an unemotional consequence (though I do like to offer a little "I love you" and maybe a hug on the way to time-out), the behavior will be drastically reduced if not eliminated.  (consistency! ha!  I can't believe I'm talking about consistency!  my arch enemy!  but for some reason, I can be more consistent with aggressive behavior, because it pushes my mothering buttons big time)  Consistency will really pay off with better behavior in the long run.

12)  Catch them doing something good.

Sometimes it is hard to praise our kids for playing well.  Because we want to tiptoe around and whisper, afraid to upset this beautiful status quo because we need a little break or we need to get to those crusty last-night dishes.  But it is important to reinforce good behavior with positive attention (The Power of Positive Parenting, Latham, teaches that behaviors that are paid attention to, good or bad, are reinforced).

Give attention when things are going well.  If you only pay attention when there is a problem or a fight, and your child isn't getting enough positive attention, she will learn that the best way to get your attention is to pull Suzi's hair or take Suzi's toy.

13) Demonstrate alternatives when a sibling is being aggressive. 

After a time out, I will often have the perpetrator hug the offended sibling.  Sometimes I will demonstrate acceptable forms of contact by taking his/her hand in mine and showing him how to pat a sibling gently on the shoulder or back or head, in place of more aggressive actions.  :)

Or we will rehearse the verbage needed in a conflict situation.  Teach them how to use words to ask for a turn with a toy or in explaining to the other child why his feelings were hurt.

14)  When more diplomatic measures have failed, put a fought-over toy in time out.  (be prepared for a tantrum!  but better behavior afterward)

Or use a timer to enforce a pre-determined sharing schedule.  I have a couple of non-sharers.  They would never choose to share of their own free will.  So if they have a toy and someone else wants a turn, I will set the timer for a few minutes for each child.  After a couple of turns they usually lose interest in the toy.  It is easy to argue with mom, but hard to argue with a timer.

15)  Teach by example-- keep your voice down, don't spank.  

When I'm in a bad mood, I often notice my kids lashing out more at each other.  Studies have shown that kids who are spanked are more likely to act in physically aggressive ways.

16)  Make sure they get plenty of rest and are offered regular meals.

My kids are more emotional and more likely to take little slights personally when they are tired or hungry.

17)  Listen.  

Like Atticus Finch.  With no preconceptions and without rushing to judgement in order to get this over with.

Here is a funny story (#3) about how Bill Cosby reacted to a fight between his kids.  He said: "Parents aren't interested in justice, they're interested in quiet!"

 I'm surprised what I learn when I just listen instead of simply trying to earn peace at any price.  (lets face it, we are all tired sometimes, no matter how idealistic the parenting books make it sound, and I know I have been guilty once in a while of pretending I didn't see something just so I wouldn't have to deal with it!)

18)  Focus sympathy on the victim, put the perpetrator in time out, unemotionally, with little fanfare.

19)  Its okay to let them work it out if no one is in immediate danger (no name calling, hitting, etc).  Just listen and see how things play out before intervening.

20) Spend quality bonding time together as a group.  



If your children are always rushing off in different directions, to lessons and playdates and sports games, they don't have time to bond.  Make sure you have some unscheduled down time so they can just play.  Sibling relationships will last much longer than that soccer trophy or the playmate on the corner.

Vacations are a lifeline in this sense for me too.  We go on one vacation a year, and it is like a religion to me. We really grow closer through shared experiences, good and bad.

Another small thing that has helped us is having a nightly family prayer/scripture reading activity (very, very short).  Having daily times when the whole family is together provides grounding moments just as a lightning rod grounds a harmful electrical charge.  It gives a child a sense of togetherness, stability, and belonging. (Have you read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn?  It amazed me how much those children thrived by reading one page out of the Bible and one page of Shakespeare each day as a family)

21)  Teach them to serve each other.

Write a kind note to one child  (or do something unexpectedly nice) and involve a sibling as a helper.  I have found that once I have done this a couple of times my kids will instigate acts of kindness without my prompting (this comes back to you, too!).  

21)  A little empathy goes a long way.

Try to put yourself in your child's shoes.  Try to see what her worries and fears are.  Imagine what it must be like to be her for a day.  Sometimes I can figure out why a particular child is lashing out at another one, when I see the pressures or challenges she faces, challenges that may be totally unrelated to the sibling being lashed out at.  (also, when I think of toy sharing, I wonder how I would feel if my neighbor just walked over, pulled me out of my driver's seat, and sped away with my car, one reason I won't tolerate toy-taking)

In addition, I try to help a frustrated sibling, in private, understand what is going on in her brother's world for example.  I might explain to her that he is struggling with a teacher at school, or he didn't make the soccer team, that he is sad inside and we just need to be extra patient with him right now.  I'm amazed at how these little chats will diffuse anger and increase empathy and understanding among siblings.

*****

Kids need a chance to learn how to work things out on their own, but there are also times kids need to be taught how to get along!  Plain and simple.  Also, if children learn that they are "safe"-- that you won't allow them to be pushed around, they have higher self esteem and are more likely to handle conflict with clear heads and kind hearts.

Now I know some of this post may seem contradictory.  Intervene, don't intervene, teach them how to get along, but don't give too much attention to negative behavior.  Don't worry!  You'll figure it out.  You are not perfect, and neither are your kids.  Some kids just get along better than others, no matter what you do.  But there are also plenty of things you can do to improve the odds!  The things they are learning in this crucible called family will help them with communication, conflict resolution, empathy, and relationships the rest of their lives.

You will still have bad days.  But I hope these suggestions will help you as they have helped me, to reduce and eliminate some common causes of sibling rivalry so your house can be a more peaceful place to be!

Is there anything I missed?  How do you help your kids get along?

Dearest ones, I will be gone tomorrow!  Until next week!

Moving Day

Okay, so I was just going to get on here and tell you, my dear friends, that I wasn't going to be around today!  Helping move my parents today (right now I'm just waiting out a little one's nap!).  Instead here I am, posting a whole bunch of unedited photos.  I just couldn't resist!  I'm so happy that we can finally get outside again!  And I love how beautiful the world looks in the spring.  I'm looking forward to some more adventures with the kids this summer just like last summer.

Moving my parents is a little bittersweet.  Moving has never been easy for me-- I get attached to places way more than I should.  My parents have been in their current town ever since my oldest kids were small.  I love thinking back to happy times visiting my parents from out of state, playing in a backyard pool, jumping on the trampoline, popsicles, barbeques, chasing kids across the lawn, swings, walks, cookies, crafts, extra hands to help me and love my little ones, and treasured time with my parents (lots of great talks!).  Maybe that is why the memories are especially sweet- so many people I love in one place, without the usual distractions.  And any place I watch my kids grow will always have a special place in my heart.

But, on the flipside, I am happy that my parents can make any place feel like home!  The reason the places they leave are so bittersweet is that I have happy memories in those places.  So I guess the fact that these moves make me a little sentimental is a sign of my blessings-- that I have made happy memories with people I love.

And...I am so excited to have them moving closer to me!  SO excited!  It has gotten harder to travel to them since my older kids have gotten involved with school and sports.  Looking forward to happy memories in their new place.

The Grouch Queen Gets Lickin' on Mother's Day

(my cute little weeding helper-- I tried to retrieve a sun hat for her, but she wanted her winter hat!)

I don't know why (well, I do, I guess I'll get to that), but I was the grouch queen this weekend.

I decided to go on a cleaning rampage on Friday.   It involved cleaning and organizing to a greater degree than I've done in the last couple of years since baby was born.  It felt good.  It felt good until those first shoes walked on my clean floor (clean floors are extra precious around here, since they don't come often or easily!), until the first crumbs were dusted in a little Hansel and Gretel trail, until window smearings and suspicious sticky spots.  We cleaned out the older kids' closets, put winter clothes away (thank you K.J. Payne), and weeded like crazy on Saturday.  My husband and son went to help my parents move, so the girls and I were on our own for the weeding.  It was hot.  They got tired fast.  There were a ton of weeds.  I guess I had blocked them out a little too well.   We all got sweaty and dirty and tired.  I had to keep stopping to make sure the littlest boy hadn't run away or gotten himself elbow deep in the kitty litter (he thinks it's his sand box).  I totally bribed everyone with periodic treats (I have tried really hard not to use food as a reward, remember when I worked on that? but it went out the window Saturday).  When I pulled out some Gatorade for one of the "treats" (I was using some psychology here, since my little girl had been begging for it that morning), my little boy started saying "I want alligator."  I finally figured out what he meant!  Ha.  You know what, even though I was tired and grumpy, I really enjoyed several hours working together.  My kids had cycles of good helping and not, but it was fun to just be able to talk without trying to multi-task physically and mentally.  I especially enjoyed chatting with my 9 year-old, as she was the least distracted by things like the sprinkler, the cats, or the baby.

After some washer/dryer/fridge moving (we traded my parents washer/dryer), more frantic floor scrubbing after dirty men's shoes clomped about, helping my daughter finish her closet (she dumped her entire bottom-half closet contents in her room, which I helped her with in 5 minute intervals, returning to strain this old back as we hauled in the new washer, frantically wiped down the shoe prints again, then re-vacuumed my daughter's room).  I mean really, I thought, is it unreasonable to expect my house to stay clean for one day, just 24 hours?  Is that too much to ask?

I decided that trying to clean and then keep clean a house with lots of small children is like trying to pour water into a sieve and then drink it.  If you try hard enough, long enough, you're still not going to be able to drink out of it but you sure are going to be frustrated.

Another reason I was grumpy, I had a temporary crown fall out (it's ok, it was really bothering me).  I realized that I have a low tolerance for nagging, annoying pain (but I didn't scream when I gave birth naturally this last time, even though my husband claimed that I did almost bite him-- I wasn't really going to do it).  I also realized that I probably won't be getting braces soon like I had maybe hoped (ugly teeth, I did have braces for 4 years once!), as I don't want to feel so grumpy in the years when I am mom to some little ones who have to be around me all day. :)

Adding to sleep deprivation was a middle of the night visit by one of our cats (!).  Since they are outside cats it was kind of a shock to hear a meow outside my bedroom in the middle of the night.  They've also learned how to climb on our roof, and since we've slept with the windows open a couple of nights, they will meow outside our bedroom window (the one that got in must have gotten through the one window without a screen, I took it out to clean while on my cleaning rampage).

And, those extra baby pounds have been getting me down a little lately.  I just feel so...gross.  I really don't like to look in the mirror.  And, to add to it, I've had a few "fat" comments lately by well-meaning people.

On Mother's Day morning, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods.  I'd become a house nazi overnight, and it wasn't fun for any of us. :)

But the kids were so attentive, as usual, as attentive as little ones can be.  My middlest daughter was especially sweet, she was like the Mother's Day police, keeping everyone in line and apprised of what they should or should not be doing to make my day go well.

At church I was still grumpy when said middle daughter tried to follow me into the mothers room for a feeding (I was wearing a dress!  Fantastic!  But how was I expecting to nurse? lol).  I wasn't very nice, and I told her that for Mother's Day I just wanted her to go sit with the rest of the family.  I felt very badly as I watched her walk out a little deflated.  I'm still feeling badly about this.

Then we had a lesson on motherhood by a woman who doesn't consider herself a very good mother and who admitted that she hates Mother's Day (her reasons= guilt and expectations).  And you know what?  The lesson was fantastic, just what I needed to hear.  A lot of different women spoke up about what it is that motivates them as a mother, and how they keep things in perspective.  The power in the room was thick, it was palpable-- because there were so many great women in one place who really believed in motherhood, women who saw that the real powers of motherhood go way deeper than what you can see-- way deeper than a sink full of dirty dishes or an un-mopped floor, into the hearts and minds of little ones who will carry their mother's love for a lifetime.  Through good and bad.  I think mothers provide the roots, so to speak, of happiness.

Sometimes we get derailed on the little details of life and miss the big picture.  Did it really matter whether my floor stayed immaculate?  Or my little one followed me to the mothers room when she was supposed to be with the family?  I realized that one of the biggest things I need to remember is-- who I am.  I didn't start out thinking that motherhood was all about keeping my entry way floor mopped at all times or felt she had to look like a supermodel.  I started out fired up to be that warm, nurturing presence, the motivator, the listener, the teacher, the cheerleader.  I may not be perfect, but I am the person most uniquely suited to my kids needs.  I may not be a fantastic seamstress, or well-organized, or many things that other women are.  But I love my kids.  They are my life.  Literally.  I would give my life for them, and I do, every day.  That is what matters, loving them and being the best me I can be.  Sometimes I get thinking I have to be someone else, especially someone else who is cleaner with fewer weeds, and I forget to be me.  I can still clean and pull weeds (within reason!), but not lose who I am in the process.  That is what my kids want and need, the best version of me.  And even though I will never be perfect, I can keep on trying to be better, because it is love and effort that really matter in the end.

I have been in a little funk lately, I'm sure some of you have noticed or suspected.  :)  Mother's Day this year was just what I needed to remind me of why I am doing this.  Of the point of it all.  That what I do matters!  It really, really matters.  More than just about anything else on this entire planet.  My dishes will be here tomorrow, but tomorrow my child will be one day older and I can't get that back.

I was going to explain the lickin' reference, but I decided to refrain from blackening a certain childs name.  Someone had a very grand tantrum on Mother's Day, the other kids were quite aghast and solemn afterward.  But, fresh from a great Mother's Day lesson, I kept my cool and carried said offender to her room for a nice chance to think.

Some Mother's Day Photos

I had a great day, thanks.  I hope all of you did too!  I started a post about Mother's Day (hint: I started out the weekend, and the day, nice and grouchy!), I'll post tomorrow.

Here are a few photos of the day!

My son said he "guessed low" on my weight-- 35 pounds!  I guess I must be training him right.  Also, notice how grumpy I look.  I know he would never do that intentionally, must be subconscious.  :)

 End Mother's Day photos...
Start, random photos of my four year-old's birth.  I found these on Mother's Day and they brought back the raw joy I feel on the day a child is born.  I have loved introducing siblings to their new baby, as well.  Kind of the essence of motherhood, for me.  Love these guys so much.