Are You the Parent of a Goalie or a Forward?

Okay, this is really random today.  We have had a very adventuresome week and lots of great photos to share for next, but today I need a small nap!  So I'm saving the photos for next week (or maybe tomorrow, we'll see!).

I'm not sure why, but a couple of my posts about speaking positively to kids seem to get the most traffic around here.  I find it to be really encouraging that parents out there are trying to find ways to speak more positively to their kids!  So, this is really random for today, but I had something along those lines I wanted to share.

My son has been playing goalie for his soccer team this season.  Let me tell you, I think he does a fantastic job, especially considering he hasn't ever had any formal goalie training.  And maybe it is a blessing or a curse, but his team has lost nearly every game they've played, and, before he started playing goalie full time, they lost by a lot (I told myself I didn't care about winning, until this very deflating experience-- I have a new perspective on mercy rules).  I think the positive in here is that if your team isn't that good, at least the goalie is getting lots of action and practice!   Just think how boring it would be being keeper for a really good team.  I have also been touched by the amount of support the boys on our team get.  We have a huge cheering section, even in bad weather, and I have been touched by all the parents who come out to watch their sons get creamed.

As you know, I used to play soccer too, only I played on the opposite end of the field, as a forward.

Here is the thing: as a goalie, no matter how well you do, you can never do better than "0."  You could be the best goalie in the world, and yet, your best efforts can only keep you at that 0 mark.  More than likely, you aren't perfect, so each mistake is a strike against you and your team.  A forward, in contrast, has nothing to lose (this analogy is a little loose, just stick with me).  Each goal she scores is one above 0, hence the glory of the forward.  Contrast how often you see people jumping up and down hugging a goalie or performing crazy antics after a save, as opposed to how forwards are treated after a goal.

I'm not articulating this very well.  So forwards get a lot of positive praise, because each goal they score is a bonus, while playing goalie is sort of a losing endeavor because you get in trouble if you slip up, as each goal scored on you is a strike against you, so to speak.

The same is true of grades in school, in a way.  I used to think it was crazy that 80% was such a low score, because, in my book, it was 80 points more than 0!  And yet that 80% is looked at by teachers more as a subtraction from 100, not an addition over 0.

This made me realize-- how do I treat my kids?  Do I hold them to that 100% mark, and anything they do less than perfect is reprimanded?  Or do I look at each thing they do well, or good, and see that as a number greater than 0?  Do I treat them as a goalie or a forward?

I have always responded so much better to positive praise than I have to criticism, reprimands, or punishments.  I imagine most kids are the same way?  So often it seems so easy to ignore the good behavior, and just focus on the behavior that is out of line.  It seems worthwhile to me to understand which approach I'm taking, and to make sure I stay positive, helping my child feel safe making mistakes, and feel validated, cheered for, and reinforced for all the good things he or she is doing.  The response in a child to positive reinforcement can be absolutely life changing for both parent and child.  (and especially those with ADD, update coming soon)

Clear as mud.

You're My Little Koochey-Face and Other Awkward Endearments

Thanks for the comments lately, everyone!  You must have felt my ESP from far away, I was just feeling a little in need of some encouragement!  So thanks!

Before I had kids, I remember going out to eat with a mother and her two very active under-3's.  They were super cute and rambunctious and kept that woman hopping (and anyone else who was around)!  I remember formulating a few ideas about what I would or wouldn't do as a mother when I was around this little family.  One thing in particular I swore I'd never do was to talk in a baby-ish voice or give my kid awkward squishy honey-coated names of endearment.  Like "honey boo boo."  ESPECIALLY when that child was being naughty.

Ok, for today's post I am offering up myself on the altar of comic relief, because, well, you'll see.  Just keep your horror to yourself.  Now if you indeed have never given a weird pet name to someone or something, then just smile and shake your head.  But we all know you probably have.

Here are a few in our house (blush, blush):

Some of my more innocuous terms of endearment include calling kids by shortened names given by toddler siblings (one daughter is "my-my" sometimes).   I use "sweetie" a lot.  Even when I'm mad, which I probably shouldn't.  Honey, hardly ever.  Cutie, a lot. I like to call my girls "my girl," and my boys "my boy."  My littlest, whose name is Emerson, gets shortened to "Emer," or even "Sonny," or "E-mer-Sonny."

I'm just breaking you in a little here before I deliver the bigger ones, like boiling a toad gradually.

My husband and I, as a joke, started calling each other "lover" when we were first married.  We have never called each other honey or sweetie, just "lover."  At one point, our oldest, when he was about 2, would call us "lover" at times. Ha.  He'd say "come on, lover, lets go to the motorway," for example. :)

One of the funniest ones, as pointed out by a relative, is that I have tended to periodically call my babies, "precious," or "my precious."  Doesn't that just conjure up this image?  In addition, I will sometimes call this baby my "lovey dovey," "feller," "bubba" (huh?) or "my handsome."

And, last of all, drum roll please.  This is not a term of endearment.  It is just extrememly embarrassing.  Ever since my eldest child, when referring to nursing, I did indeed call it "num num."  (Arg!  Hall of Shame!)  Each time I had another baby I figured it would be a perfect time to change the terminology so as to embarrass myself less.  Especially since I nursed my three girls until 20 months-ish, they could definitely make a scene in a quiet place like church, shouting for "num num!"  Yet, each time, I sort of came to the conclusion that no matter what we call it, as soon as someone realizes what the child is talking about, it will probably gross them out no matter what (especially since most people see that as soon as a child can "ask for it," it's time to quit).  I don't know.

So enjoy this little video I had my son shoot for me.  To document some of our little endearments.  I just love Emerson's little face.  He always has the cutest little pleased smile on his face.  I purposefully put on the clothes/make-up my sister gave me, just for this video, as I feel so Natalie-Wood-ish in them :), and E is wearing my son's clothes from when he was this age (aw!).  Weird or not, I was inspired by the article referenced just the other day (here)-- some day I will want a record of this little exchange, even if its a little awkward-sounding now (and watching/listening to myself makes me cringe!)!

Positive Words

One thing I have learned ever since I worked on speaking positively to my kiddos is that positivity begets positivity.

I performed the simple act of putting a little note in each child's lunch, which caused a little waterfall of notes to cascade through the family over the next week.  One child wrote a very sweet note to every single person in the family and put it on each persons pillow.  I don't know if you can read them in this photo, but they were very sweet.  A la, you are the "best brother in the universe," etc.

Makes me wonder if the reverse is true....What do you think?

P.S. In case you suspect foul play, I did photoshop out names. :)

Funny Little Things

Some funny little happenings around here. 

We went to my cousin's wedding.  I left my house in a huge mess, worried I wouldn't be ready for the scout party the next day, but it worked out okay.  We had a wonderful time in a little outdoor area at the wedding, sitting under trees filtering afternoon sunlight and the sounds of a little waterfall and children playing in gravelly rocks in their vests and bow ties.  My ten year-old sat by my grandma and explained to her his drinking problem-- he has always loved to drink and drink and drink at meals and sometimes has to be told it's time to eat, too.  He collects bottles, and they giggled and emptied some bottles for him and recruited other's bottles too.  (thanks, Grandma) :)  She is in a wheelchair for the first time in her life.  I saw them sitting there talking and laughing (he didn't leave her side all evening) and I realized if I'd stayed home to clean my house I would have missed this.  Who knows how many more memories I will have of my grandma. 

The other night the same son and I were returning from scouts when we saw some young children on our corner selling something from a brown vinyl folding table.  A mom shouted from a nearby porch swing: "Just so you know, I have no idea what they are selling!"   So we put on our best faces and checked out their wares.  There was a bag of microwave popped popcorn and a big orange drink cooler thing.  My son leaned over to me and giggle-whispered: "Mom, their sign says poop corn!"  We asked how much.  They said one dollar.  We plopped down our dollar (sorry, husband), and then opened the orange cooler and the ice cream bucket floating in water inside, to reveal an iceberg with shards of freezer burnt ice cream floating in a pool of melted creamy white.  They just looked at us.  We looked at them.  Then I asked "do you want us to dish it up ourselves?"  "Yes!" they said.  Oh boy.  :)  On the way home, my son laughed, "Mom, I think we got ripped off."

I found this left for me on the counter one day.  It has my name and my Ava's name, with pronated stick figures and some flowers.  They collected a flower for me (from my yard) along with some tree leaves and duct taped them into a bouquet.  So sweet.  :)



This is the goofiest video. My nine year old figured out how to do this weird effect on my phone. The best is at 1:25 (I think she has a lemon drop in her mouth), after that its just more of the same.





This little girl made her bed by herself!  The look on her face when I praised her (maybe I'm not a lost cause yet) was priceless.  When I asked if she had done it by herself, she closed her eyes and nodded her head several times with the cutest little pleased pixie smile on her face.

You Is Kind, You Is Special, You Is Important

6/25/12:  I just realized I made a big oops!  Oh boy.  The quote from The Help is: "you is kind, you is smart, you is important."  Sorry.

Recently I read an article about this address, in which the son of David McCullough (one of my very favorite authors) told a high school graduating class that they were not special.

For full disclosure, I have not actually read his speech, only the write-up in the newspaper.  It got me thinking-- am I doing my kids a disservice by teaching them they are special?  (this is not a critique of his speech, just thoughts on what it means to be special :))

It depends on how you define special.  If you mean: entitled to benefits without working for them, better than others, teaching them their mediocre is great, or teaching them they deserve constant praise even when they haven't earned it, then yes that would be doing my kids a disservice (see here).

I have to admit, a popular kid's movie rubbed me the wrong way the first time I saw it, because of a line the gist of which is: saying everyone is special is the same as saying no one is.  Which is another way of saying only a few people are "special," which could lead to narcissism (I'm better than others) or low self esteem (I'm not one of the chosen few).  Either way, bad.  Why not believe everyone is special and unique in his or her own way?  Not that everyone has physical abilities worthy of being an Olympian, but that each person has unique potential to bless others if they work toward magnifying their own individual talents?  Those talents might be something as simple as being easy to get along with, forgiving others easily, being good with his/her hands.   Not everyone can be prime minister or a gold medalist, but anyone can be kind and hard working, for example.  Special is about working hard because you believe in your potential, not the opposite. 

I've learned that it's difficult for me to rise above what I believe about myself.  The times when I'm the most down on myself are times when I accomplish practically nothing.  When I believe in myself, I am more likely to achieve more and be more kind and positive with others along the way.

For me, special means: having intrinsic worth just by being alive, with endless potential as one of God's children.  Every child is special.


I loved the character Aibileen in The Help.  As the black maid to an impatient white mother, she worked every day to show love and compassion and kindness to the woman's little Mae Mobley, telling her every day "you is kind, you is special, you is important."  It pricked my heart a little, because I don't know how many times I've brushed my kids thoughtlessly aside in my busy or stressed moments (I know I can't be perfect, but I can be better), like Mae Mobley's mother.  Do I, even once in a day, or even a week, lovingly take them in my arms and tell them they are kind, special, and important?  Or do I get too caught up in making the sandwich, cleaning the bathroom, stocking the toilet paper cupboard :) to stop and remember to do this? That is why I'm doing this project, so I can look back with no regrets.  So my kids know, no matter what choices they make in life, or where life takes them, that I love them for who they are.  So they'll believe in themselves and work to become that.  Or not.  But at least I will have done my part.

If my kids believe that everyone is special and important, just for being alive, for breathing this air, then I hope they'll learn the most important lesson I want them to learn: helping others is one of the highest things we can reach for.  And it doesn't diminish me, it enhances me.  Because we are all unique and special in our own way, and that is wonderful.


I'm still a believer in consequences.  My child shouldn't get special treatment if he/she doesn't deserve it.  But whether the experts agree or not, I'm going to be telling my kids from now on just how kind, special, and important I think they are.  :)





What are your thoughts on being "special?"  Next week is a new month!  I'm excited for a new resolution and interested to evaluate this month and see what I've learned.  Have a wonderful weekend!

Update:  I found this link to do  DIY shirt for baby that says "I am Kind...I am Smart (ha ha)..." here.  So cute.

Short and Sweet

I was awakened in the middle of the night by a little dripping apparition who said, "mom, I frowed up strawberry ice cream all over my bed."  (we made homemade strawberry ice cream yesterday)  The nice thing was, I got to clean the mess up in the night without any interruptions and some quiet time to think.  :)

I have three sick kiddos today, and I feel I'm catching it, so I'm off to nap with baby. :)

Some ideas I had for positive affirmation, kids: write little notes and leave under pillow or in lunches.

Start off the day on a positive note: sing in the morning (idea from Happiness Project's Rubin, who says it puts her and kids in a good mood.

A parting thought about well-filling-- I've lost 5 pounds, my friend even noticed, and so did my husband.  I feel a lot better mentally and physically.  (still have 15 to go, though)

I'm more efficient in the morning now that I'm getting up earlier.  (just need to go to bed on time...so hard some days but definitely helps my patience levels)

Got a few new clothes at a local discount retailer.  It saved me money and time because I didn't have to drive downtown and I got some nice clothes for a big discount.  Its amazing how much cuter I feel when I have a new shirt or two.

Sing to Me, Baby

We were walking the aisles of our local grocery store, just me and my boys and a mini-shopping cart.   We laughed while we searched for free samples while the radio echoed above us-- a song I didn't know.  I had my lovely fashionable yellow scout shirt on, and my son had on his khaki one, which has blossomed with awards over the last few years.  He is getting so tall I can comfortably rest an arm on his shoulders.  With one arm around him (while he pushed the cart), and the other holding my squishable baby, I felt so great.  It was the end of a long few days, culminating in an urgent care/pizza night/rush off-to-pack-meeting evening.   I finally had antibiotics in my hand (again!) so my sweet baby can get over another ear infection (third in three months).  We laughed when we struck out on the pizza samples (darn), and I was suddenly possessed with the urge to twirl my boys around for a minute.  My ten year old, who is getting to the embarrassed stage, laughed and didn't seem embarrassed.  My baby's hair fluttered in the fake wind, his head tipped back, his little smile revealing tiny white baby teeth.

And it got me thinking about songs that make me feel positive about my kids or songs that help them feel my love or belief in them.  I'm not up on the latest music, so these are just a few I can think of:

1) You'll Be in My Heart (Phil Collins) from Tarzan -- this is my new favorite
2)  Just The Way You Are (Bruno Mars) - alone with him in the aisle, held my baby close and danced to this one in the grocery store when he was only two weeks old, trying to freeze time
3)  Baby Mine (from the CD Baby Mine)
4)  Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel) from the same CD (see here for a video that makes me cry!)

In light of my positive words time coming to a close soon, too quickly, I'm starting a new resolution-- I've wanted to do it forever, and I'm tired of waiting!  :)  I'm going to start singing to my children each night before bed.  I've already asked my hubby for extra help.  I don't think I can sing to each child every night, so I'm going to start with one per night, with a little short (5 min) chat afterward.  I hope this will help convey to them how much I love them.

I would love to add more to my positive words song playlist!  I'm sure you have some great suggestions!  Tell me.

Picnic

I just love these guys. 

I realized that in my effort to speak more positively, I was driving myself crazy trying to remember all the new "rules" I'd learned about how to talk to kids. 

I'm still trying to do those things, but I realized the most important ingredient is love.  If they feel loved, I think they will forgive my imperfect parenting. 

After all, this project is about helping them reach their full potential, and feel loved, important, useful, and not about me and my parenting skills, or lack thereof.  :)

You Color My World

I woke up Saturday morning to a fussy baby.  Which wouldn't normally be too bad, except that he was so miserable for two months and he had just gotten better.  And I still hadn't recovered from our backyard tent expedition-- I had seven loads of laundry to do and a large pile of dishes.  I spent the morning holding him and holding him some more, trying to be patient but dying inside thinking of all I needed to get done.  I was hoping to take the kids to an island not far from our house and explore.  I thought it would make for a great Saturday outing. 

Then, while I was in the midst of crazy messy loud house and neutralized by baby power (I just can't sit and listen to my babies cry, usually), one of my kids said "Mom, Ava painted on the carpet!" Yes indeed, there was red and black and white paint in swaths and scribbles and dabs and blobs all over the basement carpet.  More than anything, I felt like I did not have time to clean this out of the carpet.  I actually did bite my tongue, then I did lecture a little, and I did sigh a lot.  I didn't smile, either.  And I felt like crying, but I didn't do that, either.  She seemed penitent, standing there with cute small hands folded together in front of her cotton-pink-flower dress, be-smirched and be-smudged with stripes of red paint on her cheeks, arms, and cute toddler legs.  Little brown eyes solemn with pause, waiting carefully to see what I would do. 

I realized, then, too, that I'm a big part of the equation, too, having left paints within reach of children and not supervising my child.  So, there we were, this time I felt I had to let the baby cry, and cling to me, and crawl through the paint and watery mess as I tried to clean it up.  But, I kept my cool.  After I had internally calmed down a little, I hugged her, genuinely hugged her, and told her I loved her and that I knew she was sorry.  It was a real bonding moment-- I actually felt a huge surge of love for her in that moment, when just a few minutes before what I had been feeling was not exactly so warm and fuzzy.  I did make her stay with me until it was cleaned up (I said she could sit in time-out or help me, she did a little of both), just to drive the lesson home so she will (I hope) remember next time not to do that.  (me, too, great lesson: an ounce of prevention --in form of putting things out of reach and a little supervision-- is truly worth a pound of cure-- in this case two hours of clean up that still didn't totally remove the stain --these paints were not washable). 

In the end, after some space from the moment, I realized that, even though I care about my carpet, it is just carpet.  Just a thing, something I can't take with me.  My little girl-- her little self esteem needs to last her a long time-- through dating and backbiting friends and rejection and failure and disappointment and loss.  I thought of one of my favorite books-- Les Miserables-- and how when Jean Val jean stole one of the bishop's (of Digne) few remaining possessions-- his silver-- the bishop then gave him his candlesticks too.  When his housekeeper sighed over the loss, branding valJean a "swine," he replied calmly: "To start with, was the silver really ours?"  I need to remember that-- possessions, temporary, not really mine.  Child-- this is forever.  And often the greatest things we can teach are the things we don't say with our mouth.  (Easy to say this now that I'm not on my knees scrubbing red and black paint anymore)  And I am learning just as much, if not more, about being a better person from my little people and our challenges than I will ever teach them.

We didn't get to go out like we wanted to, trying to be flexible like I learned last month. 

This quote from Les Miserbles by Victor Hugo:  Don't forget, don't ever forget, that you promised me to use this silver to make an honest man of yourself.... Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil but to good. It is your soul that I am buying for you; I am taking it away from dark thoughts and from the spirit of perdition, and I am giving it to God.  (from the translation by Julie Rose)

More Notes on Positive Words

Some more things I'm learning about using positive language with children:

1) Use words to communicate unconditional love - my children must feel my love for them has nothing to do with their behavior, but for who they are..this may be hard when child is "acting up" but is even more necessary in these moments.

2) Yet...Praise effort. If my kids are only praised for results, especially if results are average, they will be afraid to try for more because they are afraid to lose their "spot."

3) Show empathy when a child is experiencing a consequence. This is hard because the child in us wants to say "I told you so," lecture him/her about choices, etc. But this only alienates the child and keeps them from drawing their own conclusions, cutting out a growing opportunity and closing off communication with parents later, because the child feels he/she will be lectured by the parent.

4) For me personally, lack of consistent rules hurts my positivity because my kids never know when I'm serious or not, and when I am serious, it takes extra verbal/mental effort to motivate them, which leads to frustration, which makes it hard to keep cool and use kind words (I'm going to work on discipline a different month)

Some parts of this resolution have been much harder for me than I anticipated. We had another night of sleeping in the tent before we put it away, and it was really sweet, snuggling and reading stories and singing songs before there wasn't any more light (my husband chose a good night's rest in lieu of the tent). (my three asked me to sing "Rainbow Dash In My Sight"-- I guess she made that up? ha ha.)

In the morning, with books to read still in the tent, it was hard motivating some kiddos to get up and help clean up. I caught myself about to say "No reading until we're picked up," (which of course isn't bad, it could just be phrased better!) and instead said "You can read when we're all picked up." For every time I remember and adjust my speech to be more positive, there are a few failures, especially in times of duress.

A Good Break

School is out.  I'll admit I had a little trepidation about the change in schedule beforehand, but it has been so nice.  We've spent the last couple of days sequestered together with no where to go and nothing formal to do.  Its been so nice just being together after a busy year.  I'm working on planning some summer activities and making a summer routine, as I'm learning that positive speaking on my part hinges partially on how smoothly things function around here.  I'm also working on some awards I saw on this blog (71 Toes) to try positive (free) rewards for good behavior, both things I want them to work on and things they choose to work on (so I can encourage their goals, not just my goals for them).  One of the things I love about these rewards is it encourages the kids to praise their siblings, too, as each week the family discusses the awards together.

Some highlights of the last two days:  shelling fresh peas from our garden, the afternoon light shining through empty emerald-piled husks, reading a heap of stories just because we can, watching the National Spelling Bee with homemade popcorn, and snuggling up with my three year old in a tent in our backyard, watching my six year-old hold a blanket to her nose like when she was a baby, me wondering where the time has gone; the lights from the house glowing faintly through thin khaki tent fabric as we listened to frogs, a pasture sprinkler, quieting neighborhood sounds, and sleepy chat drift off in bleary yawns.

Family Night - Positive Words

I've been loving all I've learned about speaking positively and simultaneously wanting to share some of it with our family.  I feel if we change the way we speak to one another it could potentially revolutionize our whole way of life in a good way (we aren't bad in the way we speak to each other, we do fine, but we can always do better, right?). 

Every Monday night we have a family night.  Some days are better than others and our kids are little enough that lessons need to be short and sweet.  We talked about positive speaking-- I used stories from the examples in this post.  Even though the kids were wiggly and distracted at times I think they enjoyed it.   The best part was telling each other what we like about each other.  We're making these (above, an example of something my son made for me for Mother's Day) today so each child can be reminded of what we think is special about him/her and so we have positive words in reservoir for reminding when we need something nice to say.  :)

Good Day

We had a great day (much better than yesterday!).

Walked the kids to school, had a refreshing chat with a friend as our kids hopped and skipped and bug-inspected their way home.

Planted some flowers while the kids ate Popsicles and made mud pies with the dirt out of the pots.  Ava (3) put her muddy pot brimming with brown floating goodness in a corner and told me "Mom, don't touch my whirlpool!"

Helped at the school's field day, helping Kindergartners first-- they were so cute-- many of the games were designed for older kids, and it was so fun to watch them figure things out.   In an obstacle course race, carrying bright orange buckets under pipes over a wet slip-n-slide, they inched their way along with tentative maneuverings, afraid to get wet.  At the end, they were supposed to dump their pail into a small swimming pool and go to the back of the line.  One little girl actually got in the swimming pool and was rolling around in it, happy as a clam.  Loved being outside enjoying the perfect weather, the energy and excitement of all the kids, and the other moms, too.

Painted faces.  Love doing this-- the kids are so cute and its fun to talk to them one-on-one.  I am terrible at it, but they don't seem to mind too much. 

This little girl (top pictures) LOVES it when I come to the school.  She loves Percy Jackson; she asked for a trident on one cheek and a lightning bolt on the other.  Her friend was cute, too.

This boy and his friends had the giggles.  I love that they are such good buds.  He asked for eyelids on his eyelids and a green mouth with lots of teeth around his mouth.  I have to say, my two kiddos asked for things no other kids asked for.  It makes me laugh-- I love to see their personalities.

This little girl recovered from the possessed Belle I painted on her face and went on to get a little creative with the paints while I was busy painting faces and taking care of baby.  Looks like we replaced Demented Belle with Stumpy Unicorn.

Remembering Her (even though she's still alive)

We trailed into a country church twenty seconds before it started; the only seats left were the front row.  Organ pipes sweet as my little blond six-year old rested her elbow on my knee and smiled at me with hazel-ish green eyes.  Am I dreaming it?  Trying to be positive is already giving me even more loving feelings toward my cuties, and vice-versa. 

(This talk is all about the fact that we often feel the way we talk, making negative feelings even more negative.  Also read on Happiness Project website that venting anger doesn't help; it hurts-- here (#4).  I need to remember to talk the way I want to feel [from 'act the way I want to feel' -- the Happiness Project].  I've also noticed my kiddos talking more positively toward me and each other as I've tried to be more positive.)

Unobstructed view of a cute 16-ish boy who joked he was asked to talk about "dead people."  Made me think of my beloved grandmas, one of whom who raised eleven children.  What a great example of positivity she was; in her life history, she recounted the perils of raising such a large brood-- from escaped snakes to stitches to a near-hanging (my father, perched on his tricycle, hanging from a rope and found just in time) to a young daughter who fell on the floor at dinner crying "oh my heart! oh my heart!"  Instead of complaining about these troubles, she would reinforce the value of each unique child-- "we were glad she survived that.  We needed and loved our _______ [child's name]." (said at least once about each child)  She focused on how proud she was of each of them and their indispensability to the family.

What makes her story even more impressive was the fact that theirs was a combined family.  She lost her first husband in the war; he lost his wife to cancer.  They started their life together with six children.  They decided from the get-go that the children were theirs-- no step anything or half anything (she said-- "who's ever heard of half a person?").  When asked by acquaintances whose children were whose, she would say "they are ours."  When they would persist, so would she.  (What guts!  I couldn't do that) They even moved to give their family a fresh start in a new place so they could avoid those kind of questions.  She treated my grandfather's children as her own and vice-versa.  To this day, his oldest son visits her nearly every day and calls her "mother."  Until I was an adult, I always thought of all my aunts and uncles as my aunts and uncles, no distinctions.  They were a family. 

Things I'm trying to remember: no complaining (especially in front of the child)-- since it rarely does any good, no comparing my children, keep my mouth shut even when well-meaning people want information or comment on something my child is or does...think/talk well about myself, too.

Desert VIP

Went for a drive on a dusty red road through dry sage brush and clay hills with Grandpa yesterday.  Stopped to look at some rocks.  The kids found some fossil shells, shiny obsidian, and a rodent skull.  So windy we came home with sand in our hair and pressed in our ears.   Reminded me how good memories together aren't always of the perfect times, but bonding over imperfect ones, too.  Out of the wind, I let my two little girls sit in my lap in the car while others searched for more rocks.  I'd had the song I'm a VIP in My Family playing over and over in my head since I woke up.  They giggled when I'd say "very important person" and squeeze them.  Excited for this month's goals.

Looking for frogs at Grandpa's.

Week 2 -- White Flags and Words

We survived a whole weekend on a two partial rolls of toilet paper.  It was a mini-miracle accomplished with rationing, creativity, and trips up or down the stairs running streaming white flags to someone in distress.  My husband and I were both just too darn tired to go to the store.

Two more highlights: dancing with our kids in the living room after pizza and Ramona and Beezus.  It was past bedtime, but the kids really enjoyed being swung, whirled, or bounced (the baby would start to bounce if we stopped) around the room...the giggles were worth it.  The second one was hanging out in our backyard on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon-- lying in the lush grass, rolling a ball to baby, and playing soccer with the older kids.

Mid-afternoon on Sunday, I sat at my kitchen table to work on my parenting list and looked out my new favorite window.  Just tall yellow grass and a cherry tree, but beautiful all the same.

I realized that I don't have to figure this out myself-- I'm going to turn a little more to God for help.  I even tried a brief search of the Bible to see what terms came up most often in regards to children and parenting, which was encouraging.  

I decided to start with love.  I love the book The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell (I love the marriage version too by GC), in which Chapman describes how speaking some one's love language can help them feel more loved.  He defines the five love languages as: quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch, and words of affirmation.  Often we may be speaking a love language that we most appreciate, say, words of affirmation, when the other person feels loved through hugs/physical affection.  Chapman/Campbell say that children need all of the love languages until it becomes clear (after age five) what their language is (though we all need them all for the rest of our lives, we just have one that speaks louder to us than others).

Because I'm working on quality time right now,  I thought I'd also focus on a quality time aspect with my older kids:  paying attention when they are talking to me.  Even if its just a couple of minutes, I'm going to look up from the frying pan, the newspaper, or the diaper, give eye contact, and a smile.  (try to laugh, even if its a joke about a bum crack, like my son told me the other day)  I'm also going to give 5 extra minutes at bed time to listen and to help my kids pray, too.

Okay, time for quote of the day.  I'm enjoying some new extra reading minutes with my three and she is too.  We read a library book today about a man dressed in edible items who was surprised as various animals ate items of his clothing (like a cape made of lettuce) until he ran home in his birthday suit.  My little girl said "Mom, he only weared his belly button and a hat!"