Too Perfect

I enjoyed my break yesterday!  I missed you, and I thought of a million things I suddenly wanted to blog about.  I have been agonizing for several months about cutting back, but the sense of relief I felt yesterday seemed to tell me I made the right choice, at least for now! 

A couple of months ago I read a book called "Too Perfect: When Being In Control Gets Out of Control" (random, I know).  I don't know what I was expecting to learn.  Even though I wasn't thinking of this blog when I read it, I realized there are practical applications to this blog.  Because this project is resolution-based, in my case based on making the most of my years with my children and being a better parent, I realized that sometimes good intentions can cross the line from helpful to hurtful.  I think many of us have a certain ideal in mind that we strive for, as we tweak little things about ourselves.  But when does trying to be better cross the line into perfectionism and thus become harmful? 

Here is what I did learn, in a nutshell.

Perfectionism becomes harmful when it interferes with your relationships with others. 

Perfectionism can lead to procrastination (you won't do it unless it can be perfect), irritability (nothing meets your standards), hoarding possessions or money (anxiety about the future), image (you must look perfect to all people at all times), sensitivity to criticism (must be perfect, therefore any criticism reveals flaws), controlling behaviors (if I control you, then I control my life), all or nothing thinking (if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all), an unwillingness to let others help (it has to be done just right), difficulty finishing some projects, rigid thinking (there is a best way, and that way is this way only), overwork to make things just so, difficulty relaxing, and my-way-or-the-highway thinking.   I don't know about you, but none of those things makes me feel exactly warm and fuzzy inside. 

That balance can be hard.  I went on a cleaning rampage a few weeks ago, and once I got going, I got grouchy and mean to anyone who got in my way!  I realized I would rather have a few things out of place, than to be constantly on my children or resentful at their little unintentional tornado ways.  I liked my old self better.  For me, being more perfect as a parent means relaxing my standards a little for some things, so I'm not so uptight.   I have a saying on a wall of the house: "the most important things in life aren't things."  Do you ever get caught up in things?  Cleaning things, buying things, looking at other peoples things?  Its nice to remember that the most important things are the ones that are less tangible-- happiness, love, knowledge, the feeling a child carries around in his or her heart that there are no things more important to you than she is.

What is it that I am placing as first priority?  Perfectionism can undermine balance big time, and balance is the essence of perfect (not the appearance of perfection, because then something is probably out of balance)!  In the end, where your "treasure lies" is where you spend the best parts of your time and energy.  I find that when I spend most of my time on my house, it becomes my "treasure" by default.  It becomes the thing I have invested the most time in and therefore the thing I want most to protect.  Thankfully, the same is true for my little people, when I put them first (though sometimes my house is that "good" thing!).

I do enjoy being better!  I love the feeling I get when I improve myself, especially as I look back in time and compare my new self with my old self.  One of the reasons I love being Christian is the beauty of grace, since I fall short no matter how hard I try, and the power of Christ to change my very nature.

But I found this book to be a helpful reminder that perfect (I wrote about this here) and perfectionism are pretty much opposites.

This particular book was very sensitively written, for those perfectionists out there who are a little, well, sensitive!

I would love to hear your thoughts.  Do you see it when things cross over into perfectionist territory?  How does it make you feel?  (I feel awful)  Are there things that you just can't not be perfect with, that you struggle to allow yourself some space to be a little less than perfect?  (my husband probably wishes I were a perfectionist with a few things)  How do you keep the balance between bettering yourself and not allowing perfectionism to undermine your long term goals, such as relationships with your children?  LOL.  Some parts of this post have been hard for me as I fought my inner perfectionist!