For some quick background, in The Five Love Languages books, Gary Chapman (and in the one for kids, Ross Campbell), describe how people give and receive love in different ways. Their theory is that we each have a "love language" that speaks loudest to us. And we tend to speak to others in our own love language. So, for example, I know my primary love language is "quality time." When I want someone to feel loved, I show it by spending time with them! But maybe their love language is "acts of service," so it's kind of like speaking Portuguese to someone who really speaks French-- it may not communicate what we want it to. The key to communicating love is finding and speaking in the other person's primary love language. Now, kids need all five, until they are old enough to have exhibited a preference, and we all need all five in varying degrees throughout our life. But the bottom line is, some speak more loudly to certain individuals than others. The love languages are: acts of service, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gifts.
I've been thinking a lot about how to help my kids feel loved through "acts of service" (and I'm pretty sure this is my husband's language too). As a mother, we do so many acts of service throughout the day and night. As the mother to five, let me tell you, I feel my day is a continual round of acts of service, from changing sheets to fixing meals to cleaning up throw up. Because this isn't my own primary love language, sometimes it seems less important to me than some of the other love languages. And it is so easy to get lost in the continuous round of tasks and forget that those tasks are ultimately about people.
Thinking back on my own life, I remember little acts of service that different people did for me. One that stands out right this minute is that my dad used to repair my cassette tapes that had somehow gotten all tangled, unraveled, or broken (cassettes-- this harks back to dinosaurs, huh?). I'm sure fixing my tapes wasn't high on his list, but as a teenager, music was a huge part of my life. He would also fix my necklaces that got tangled beyond human ability to unravel, yet somehow, with patience and time, he would magically fix them and I'd find them all fixed and neat sitting on my dresser. I can't tell you how much these little acts of service helped me feel my dad's love and that I was important to him.
Going out of my way to do something nice for my kids is nice, but I can show love through ordinary everyday tasks, too. One of the things I love about going home is how homey it is-- my mom keeps the house so clean and inviting and warm and nice-smelling and comfortable. And she always has fresh sheets on the bed. Ahhh..... Now I notice those little invisible things my mom did all those years. And I love it and sure appreciate all those hidden acts of service.
What is it that differentiates an act of service from a household task or something on the to-do list?
1. How the service was performed. Giving a smile, a hug, or a happy word to someone as I go about daily tasks such as combing hair, fixing breakfast. (let's just say I need to work on this some of the time!) Actions that show "you are important to me." "You are not a burden." "I am so lucky to have you." These speak even louder than words.
2. Who it was done for-- my cassette tapes were probably of no importance to my dad, who probably saw them as an immature teenage phase. But they were important to me.
3. Timing. Doing something when it is needed by my child instead of waiting until it is convenient for myself.
4. Time. Taking extra time or effort to do something for someone is a powerful way to communicate love.
As I look back to all the people that have made a difference in my life, those little, meaningful, thoughtful acts of service made a much bigger impact than I thought they did.
One word of caution in the realm of acts of service. I have to be careful when I do for them something they could do for themselves: sometimes this actually communicates "I don't trust you. You are incapable. You need to be rescued." (remember healthy balance from month 3 of teaching kids work) I heard a radio program the other day. An expert was telling how much more involved parents are than they used to be in kid's day-to-day lives, even to the point of intervening with a professor in college or a boss at work (he backed this up with research dating from the present back to the sixties). And that kids today have way more anxiety about navigating today's world. Whoa. We have to be careful not to cripple our kids by doing too much for them or by communicating to them they are inadequate by stepping in when they should be learning how to handle things themselves. Link to a NY Times article on this subject.
Is there an act of service someone did for you that has made a difference in your life? Have a wonderful holiday weekend!
Sorry for the picture glut. I took these yesterday and I just couldn't resist. So fun to capture their childlike expressions and play. Right down to kicking in the fountain (I wasn't sure if that was ok?). When we went to leave, I turned around and this little girl was in the fountain thigh-deep. :) Oops.
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