What I Learned, Month 5, Showing Love Through Acts of Service

This month I involved God a little more in the selection of what I was to work on, and this has been my best experience yet. 

I learned:

1)  By showing more love to my kids, I feel more love...and I think the feeling is mutual!

2)  I was doing many more acts of service than I thought I was-- the simple act of recognizing each thing I do for them as an act of love changed my approach and their reception...dramatically changing the feeling of my day and changing my whole perspective about what I do every day.  Even ordinary tasks like laundry and dishes are easier and more meaningful when I realize I am contributing to my little one's well-being and happiness and self-esteem!

3)  Little things can make a big difference-- paying attention to a child's favorite color (when purchasing clothing or something similar), adding that tiny sweet or note to their lunch once in a while, doing an ordinary activity with extra love, focus, and attention can make a big difference in every one's day.

4)  Even some of the harder acts of service (for me, being a chauffeur) can become easier if I think about what I want to help my child become.

5)  It helped me to imagine the way I felt as a child when someone did something kind for me...I especially envisioned my own parents and remembered the things they did that I appreciated, even though I didn't always express thanks at the time. 

6)  Doing acts of service can be exhilarating and habit forming!

7)  Everything I sacrifice for my kids comes back to me plus some when I see the happiness in their faces.

8)  Recognize that what I do does make a difference.  A huge difference.  Don't forget that on discouraged days.  I realized one of Satan's biggest weapons against mothers is to make them think that what they do doesn't really matter.

Little things, done with love, can change my kids lives forever for the better.

I loved this month!   

(the photos are of my nieces)

How I'm Learning to Make the Most of Busy Days

We're getting back into the thick of it.  And with four out of my five kids in something now, let me tell you, it is thick.  I never know that perfect balance between too few and too many extra curricular activities.  I really believe it is important not to over-schedule kids, as it robs them of those childhood moments to learn, play, and grow.  I read a book once-- Einstein Never Used Flashcards, it really emphasized the learning that is going on during simple play-- that our kids need some unstructured, creative, curiosity-led time for optimum development.  (see the schedule of another mother of five kids here)

But, like I said, I never know the perfect balance.  I feel that allowing my kids one sport and one musical instrument shouldn't be over-scheduled, but some days it sure feels like it!  This is one I'm still trying to figure out.

Once one has decided upon the right balance for their family and each individual child, there is still the act of taking children back and forth to these activities.  While some acts of service are easy for me, such as making birthdays special and comforting a sick or hurt child, the act of busing my kids around is hard for me.  I think it goes back in part to the interruption factor-- one must interrupt dinner, other kid's homework and other things to take kids back and forth.  (it took me 2 days to make a pie for my friend for this reason)

So, in order to have a good attitude about this activity, I've brainstormed a list to help me be positive about this particular act of service.

1)  Make simple meals and plan ahead.  Otherwise, it is too tempting to eat unhealthily and also expensively.

2)  Make the most of time in the car.  This could include a favorite audio book, CD, or discussion.  This is a great time to talk, re-connect and be together since everyone is in a confined space.

3)  Take time to enjoy the journey and not just the destination-- this is a time to look around (within reason) and enjoy the seasons.

4)  Be mindful of the good things about my particular situation. 

For me this week, that meant:

*  Enjoying the outdoors-- the mountains were breathtaking in all their autumn glory!  And I got to sit outside and enjoy it all, which I wouldn't have done if we didn't have a soccer game to attend.
*  Recognizing my other kids get extra outside play time when we travel to sports events.
*  My kids also get a chance to learn how to interact with kids they don't know.
*  Realizing that while I'm watching a game I also get to hold my little ones more than I would if I were home.

5)  Plan and prioritize.  Make time for homework, play, and other activities.  If you are too busy for homework or church activities, then maybe it is time to think of cutting back. 

6)  Ultimately recognize the growth of self-esteem and worth in your child as he/she learns to make and set goals, be a team player, and learn a new skill.  If I look to the long-term person my child is becoming, those small sacrifices don't seem so great.

Again, I'm looking back to my own childhood, and remembering that I don't remember my parents complaining about this kind of stuff.  And I don't want to make my kids feel like a burden by complaining about it either.  So I'm going to make the best of it.  And maybe it will just make the best of all of us.

How do you make the best of busy days shuttling little people around?

PS, if you need a laugh today, read this.  It reminded me of my husband, who also says things like this.  Sort of. 

Service Month Update & I Can't Do This Alone

Results have been mixed this month, as with all the months that have gone on before. :)  Some things are going great.  My kids have had their hair done nearly every day and my big kids have taken home lunches to school every day.

So, packing lunches is a big victory for us.  In part due to the fact that I paid $0 into a lunch money account, forcing us to make those lunches every day!

I have loved refocusing my attention on making the little acts of service I do special for each child.  Just today I picked out a jacket for one daughter who needed it, and I remembered her new favorite color from the day I asked them about their favorite things. 

Are you ready for some excuses?  I've also hardly slept for 2 and a half weeks now, as baby learned to crawl out of his crib (prompting an emergency floor mattress placement), then caught a cold, and my three year old has been having bad dreams.  I've been getting up probably anywhere from 3 to 7 times a night, and serving as a human binkie the other half of the night.  (I go back and forth about being ready to give up nursing)  Yet I've tried to enjoy it, snuggling with little ones and realizing this isn't forever (please?).

We've also been adjusting to a crazy new schedule that nearly gave me a panic attack one day.  I've been so busy as we've readjusted to activities such as dance and soccer.  I called my mom and my husband one day, wondering what I should do.  I don't believe in being super busy (on top of that, I really hate being busy!).  I think kids need time to play.  And it's so hard to eat healthy when I'm busy.  And when one kid is busy, all of us are, because we have to shuttle that one child around.  This has been the hardest thing for me to have a good attitude about. 

Three things:  1) I prayed about this months focus before I chose it, and now I can see God's foresight.  In part because of what I'd have to go through with getting up at night and our new schedule.  So I'd look at them in their proper light with a decent attitude.  2)  I'm deciding that after simplifying as much as possible, I need to make the best of our crazy schedule, like finding ways to make it more pleasant, ie, listening to children's audio books in the car.  3)  While focusing on acts of service, its ironically been easier to know when to step back and let my children do something for themselves.

Overall, great month, I feel this huge welling love for my kids, now I just need to figure out how to get some sleep!

How do you handle it when your little ones get up in the night?  Which acts of service are easiest for you?  Hardest?

Little Things

We went for an impromptu picnic on Friday night.  A few years ago we decided to save TV for the weekend only during school, and to make this transition easier, we made Friday night extra special by having a family movie night and pizza. 

Only, in good weather, it seems like a waste of a good evening.  So we took our pizza to a park just 5 minutes from our house that we have only visited once before.  It was a gorgeous night.  The mountains were rust and amber and brown and yellow.  The light was some sort of honey-colored magic.

We explored wooded paths overgrown with leaves and branches, played, and watched some people "fighting," as my three year-old called it.  (she'd say "where are the fighting people?")

It was so easy.  And so nice.

Other little things from this week:

Meeting my oldest three at school for lunch.  My little six year-old has decided that first grade is hard and called me from school, crying to come home last week.  In the heat of the moment, I realized that it would be so easy to run on over and pick her up.  Then I realized that the better service for her would be the harder one for me-- to have her stay at school.  But that didn't mean I couldn't come and visit her at lunch this week for a little moral support.

Then I stayed for lunch with my son.  His friends were giggling and talking and enjoying eachother.  I wondered if he would be embarrassed of me and the two little ones.  Instead, he held baby on his lap and all his friends laughed at baby's antics.  He and one friend begged me to come to recess and then followed the baby around laughing some more at how he pumps one arm only while running (and saying "running!" in a breathless voice), and mothering him a bit.  Every time I said I needed to go they'd say "NO!"

(they were so cute, all snuggled in my bed this morning!)

Today, I didn't want to leave my nine year-old out, so I swung by and picked up a little $1 ice cream.  As I walked into the school, other kids were jealously oohing and ahhing at the plastic ice cream cups I was juggling.   When I found her, I could tell by her eyes that she was really happy we had come.  And it was so easy-- just remembering a small thing she liked-- not much extra time but it was a big deal to her.

Reading to baby on a plush velvet couch during dance class, his little pudgy arms pointing out trucks and doggies, his little cute body snuggled up to mine.

Peach pie for an after school snack, slurped and laughed at and enjoyed around the table together.  "Mom, did you do this for us, because we said we liked pie?"  "Yup." (though I'm not making another one for a while!  If we have a craving, I think they'll like store bought just as well!) (by the way, one of the resolutions that I keep meaning to update is no dessert before dinner-- we've really slacked on that one, but we're still eating pretty healthy overall)

Little, easy things.  They are giving me so much pleasure.

(Only, now it's time to go and clean my house!)

(note: I've still been doing their hair every day, but some days it doesn't last long!  But I feel good if I tried)

Check out this cute idea for making dinner fun!  Another way to keep dinner feeling like an act of service and not a chore, and it looks like the kids love it. 

Getting to Know You

I had the opportunity at the end of summer to get a little one-on-one with the kids.  Even though I had other things I could have done with the time (and I was tempted at times, believe me), I was so glad I spent this time with them. 

One child it seems I haven't had enough one-on-one with is my nine year-old.  Lets just say we had a chance to be alone for a day, and it took some willpower for me to make it work because we're always being tugged so many directions. 

I enjoyed my time with her so much, though part of our date was working together.  We went to a bridal shower with baby in tow, she helped me clean quite a bit in the morning, when all the little fingers and needs were out of the house (except baby)-- but we did manage to squeeze in a partial movie, a sleepover, some talks, a long drive, and a shake date.  We had a great time together.  It really bonded us and gave us a chance to get re-acquainted.  She still seems to be walking around with a little gleam in her eye and seems happier, even two weeks later.

(We tried to "rendezvous" with some family at the Rendezvous, which didn't happen, but we got to walk around and had a great time together!)

In conjunction with that, I sat down this Sunday and took my kids one by one to have a little interview.  We talked about their talents, inspired by this.  Then I asked them all their "favorites."  This was a fun exercise.  I was surprised that I mostly knew what their favorite things were-- before we sat down I thought I'd have some giant revelation into their personalities. 

Independent of one another, they universally chose pizza as their favorite food. (though one child in particular expressed that she would not be sad if we had bacon and sausage at every meal)   Oh boy.  Ditto dessert-- fruit pies.  Who knew?   Swimming was a favorite activity.  So was playing with friends.  I learned to qualify their favorite thing about school-- it couldn't be recess or lunch. :)

(After all this, I had enough blueberries to make a pie, so I did!  Ahh....also realized why I don't make them often, because they are a ton of work and I eat all the trimmings!)

It was so fun sitting with each child on the couch and listening to them tell me about themselves.

When I asked what their favorite act of service Mom or Dad performs for them, I tried to give a wide array of choices with no give-aways in my voice or mannerisms.  I was surprised that each one, separated from the others, preferred spending time with me to any act of service I perform for them (I asked if they would like me to sew something as one of the choices-- so glad they didn't choose that one!  I'm a really bad seamstress).  That made me feel good, because that is my favorite service activity of choice, too. :)

I realized that I do more than I think I do when it comes to acts of service and what their individual preferences are.  I think my main focus right now, aside from a few specifics I'll outline soon, is just to make ordinary tasks more loving and meaningful, which I've been trying to do.  Also, I'm seeing that acts of service are one part doing something they like just for them and another part doing for them what we know they need or will need because of the perspective we have.  (So many of my kids favorite things were just things they have been exposed to, which I think means I need to expose them to more!)

Is there something that you have learned about your child that has surprised you?  Do you ever wish you could go forward to their future adult self and ask some of these same questions?

End of Summer #1 Pics and Update

As far as doing hair and making school lunches, two thumbs up!  I've gotten some good ideas for hair on Pinterest here (my girls love this twist...we've been doing our own easy variations).

If nothing else, I'm aware that doing acts of service large and small are things that contribute to their emotional well-being and not just physical well-being.  I'm looking at some of my tasks very differently now and trying to find ways to help my kids feel loved through those tasks.  I have some new ideas to try, too, such as finding out what a favorite meal is, for example, and surprise a child with it.  Since I am doing these things anyway, I may as well make someone feel special, right?

Enjoy these pictures of a county fair we attended in August. 

 Isn't that the cutest baby camel you have ever seen?

 Walking back to the car, the sun was low in the sky and smoky red.

What I'm Learning, Month 5: Use Acts of Service with Care

For some quick background, in The Five Love Languages books, Gary Chapman (and in the one for kids, Ross Campbell), describe how people give and receive love in different ways. Their theory is that we each have a "love language" that speaks loudest to us. And we tend to speak to others in our own love language. So, for example, I know my primary love language is "quality time." When I want someone to feel loved, I show it by spending time with them! But maybe their love language is "acts of service," so it's kind of like speaking Portuguese to someone who really speaks French-- it may not communicate what we want it to. The key to communicating love is finding and speaking in the other person's primary love language. Now, kids need all five, until they are old enough to have exhibited a preference, and we all need all five in varying degrees throughout our life. But the bottom line is, some speak more loudly to certain individuals than others. The love languages are: acts of service, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gifts.

I've been thinking a lot about how to help my kids feel loved through "acts of service" (and I'm pretty sure this is my husband's language too). As a mother, we do so many acts of service throughout the day and night. As the mother to five, let me tell you, I feel my day is a continual round of acts of service, from changing sheets to fixing meals to cleaning up throw up. Because this isn't my own primary love language, sometimes it seems less important to me than some of the other love languages. And it is so easy to get lost in the continuous round of tasks and forget that those tasks are ultimately about people.

Thinking back on my own life, I remember little acts of service that different people did for me. One that stands out right this minute is that my dad used to repair my cassette tapes that had somehow gotten all tangled, unraveled, or broken (cassettes-- this harks back to dinosaurs, huh?). I'm sure fixing my tapes wasn't high on his list, but as a teenager, music was a huge part of my life. He would also fix my necklaces that got tangled beyond human ability to unravel, yet somehow, with patience and time, he would magically fix them and I'd find them all fixed and neat sitting on my dresser. I can't tell you how much these little acts of service helped me feel my dad's love and that I was important to him.

Going out of my way to do something nice for my kids is nice, but I can show love through ordinary everyday tasks, too. One of the things I love about going home is how homey it is-- my mom keeps the house so clean and inviting and warm and nice-smelling and comfortable. And she always has fresh sheets on the bed. Ahhh..... Now I notice those little invisible things my mom did all those years. And I love it and sure appreciate all those hidden acts of service.

What is it that differentiates an act of service from a household task or something on the to-do list?

1. How the service was performed. Giving a smile, a hug, or a happy word to someone as I go about daily tasks such as combing hair, fixing breakfast. (let's just say I need to work on this some of the time!) Actions that show "you are important to me." "You are not a burden." "I am so lucky to have you." These speak even louder than words.

2. Who it was done for-- my cassette tapes were probably of no importance to my dad, who probably saw them as an immature teenage phase. But they were important to me.

3. Timing. Doing something when it is needed by my child instead of waiting until it is convenient for myself.

4. Time. Taking extra time or effort to do something for someone is a powerful way to communicate love.

As I look back to all the people that have made a difference in my life, those little, meaningful, thoughtful acts of service made a much bigger impact than I thought they did.

One word of caution in the realm of acts of service. I have to be careful when I do for them something they could do for themselves: sometimes this actually communicates "I don't trust you. You are incapable. You need to be rescued." (remember healthy balance from month 3 of teaching kids work) I heard a radio program the other day. An expert was telling how much more involved parents are than they used to be in kid's day-to-day lives, even to the point of intervening with a professor in college or a boss at work (he backed this up with research dating from the present back to the sixties). And that kids today have way more anxiety about navigating today's world. Whoa. We have to be careful not to cripple our kids by doing too much for them or by communicating to them they are inadequate by stepping in when they should be learning how to handle things themselves. Link to a NY Times article on this subject.

Is there an act of service someone did for you that has made a difference in your life? Have a wonderful holiday weekend!

Sorry for the picture glut.  I took these yesterday and I just couldn't resist.  So fun to capture their childlike expressions and play.  Right down to kicking in the fountain (I wasn't sure if that was ok?).  When we went to leave, I turned around and this little girl was in the fountain thigh-deep.  :)  Oops.