This was an interesting month. I hit a major wall this month, and I'm pretty sure it had to do with staying up late with my husband to watch the end of one of the old seasons of a TV series we used to watch, like years ago. (learning again, that when I'm tired, especially when I sleep past that magic time that day makes the day go smoothly, I'm sooo less effective as a parent and things fall apart around here!) We enjoyed ourselves, but I'm going to try not to get sucked into the next season, see if I can avoid some grisly Jack Bauer torture scenes.
Here is what I learned this month:
1 - I've decided there are three critical times of day for me that affect the outcome of my whole entire day. When I'm behind on one of these, things really snowball in a bad way. One is the time I get up, the next is when I exercise, and the last is what time we have dinner.
2 - It is hard to get organized when I'm unorganized. :)
3 - Some organization needs a simple framework. I planned out activities and dates with my husband and kids for the whole year. At first, it was a bit daunting to sit down and know where to start. First I filled in all the set dates, like days off school. I tried to decide how many bigger activities my time and budget would allow (for example, after looking into cultural events-- ahhh....there were so many great ones! I want to expose the kids to so many wonderful things! But one trip to the theater is a big chunk of money!). Then, for better or worse, I decided on one big activity a month, a date with one child per month, two dates with my husband, etc. I planned in one story time at the library per month, instead of weekly, in order to give us time to explore and play close to home. I planned which days of the week I'd dedicate to which activities, with the kids and around the house. I decided I'd dedicate the weeks of the month's according to my priorities-- so my weekend to go out with my husband comes before my weekend doing something with the kids/as a family. This helped give structure to my plan. I made a list of activities for the year, keeping in mind our overall goals with our motto Learn, Do, Be. For example, I thought January would be the perfect month to practice our restaurant skills. I scheduled a trip to the lake in August, when the water is warmest. A trip to the homeless shelter in November. None of these have to be set in stone, but this way I can be more purposeful about how we spend time together, and I can see a visual reminder of something we should be doing!
4 - Starting something is half the battle. This was true for the things I planned, and also for quality time this month. Spending time together has been the best part of my project, but I had a really hard time forcing myself to put down the laundry or dishes or whatever it was this month in order to have our quality time together. Once I started doing something with the kids, though, it became enjoyable and easier, helping me push through a tempting rough patch. (and getting out really helps me when I'm challenged this way because I'm not distracted by all my to-do's! I made a new schedule for myself, filling it in, again, with a rough framework of have-to's and priorities and then filling in the gaps.
5 - Teamwork! I was drawing a major blank on planning our family home evenings for the year. So, imagine this, I asked my husband and he had a great idea. Why not -- Learn, Do, Be? So the first week of each month will be learning something religious, second week will be secular (from our list of things we want them to learn before leaving home), third week we'll actually put them into practice, primarily by "doing" things for others, and the last week we'll focus on the "be" part. Just having a framework really helped the planning to breeze by!
6- Simplifying can reduce my stress and protect my wallet, while making me more relaxed and fun to be around, giving those golden moments of happy unplanned times as a parent.
7 - Organization doesn't have to be fancy-- it just has to work for me. I love this woman's approach to organization. This is what I'm going to do-- I have a binder and a notebook (on her blog, see "Around the House" and then "Life Binder," neither one fancy)!
8 - Sometimes I have to accept that some days are just going to be crazy! No matter what I do! I need to cultivate a sense of humor about these times so I can laugh rather than cry. And talk to other moms who are going through the same thing. So I can see that these days aren't forever. And some things really are funny. (one of the things I loved about I Didn't Plan to Be a Witch (Eyre) was her funny re-countings of some of their crazy times-- and I know that her children turned out great! Wow was it nice to feel like I'm not alone, and some of these things really are funny.)
Doing this planning was a bit onerous, but once I got the hang of it, it was kind of fun! I feel invigorated and excited for next month! Now that I have the hard part behind me, things should go a bit smoother.
New goals for next month and a six month recap coming up!
How do you help yourself get organized? I'm kind of loving yearly planning right now, I did it for scouts and it was awesome. One big planning session, then sit back and enjoy my work with minor tweaks here and there. And often I can use the same plan the next year.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query month two. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query month two. Sort by date Show all posts
Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
About This Project & This Month's Recap
My kids surprised me yesterday. I had to harness my inner drill sergeant at the very first (SO hard for me, I do not have a drill sergeant personality), but after a bit these kids were working together and actually enjoying it. See the third picture? Ten year-old was singing and whistling "Whistle While You Work," (see his lips?). As I look back on this month, we had our tragedies and triumphs and maniacal laughs. See below for a recap.
Just in case you're new here, here is a quick recap of my project so far. I'm working on making the most of the next five years with my kids to give them the best next 50 and forever (just like the time value of money). :) I'm using this blog to track my progress and memorize those beautiful little moments each day as they pass.
Another main purpose of this blog is to keep my perspective in focus-- remembering that I will some day be able to travel, have a hobby, use the bathroom alone, and have a clean house, but I can't come back and snuggle a chubby baby, read a story, or wipe little tears. I have one shot at giving them a good life, and this is it. My most viewed post is a poem about perspective-- here. Or this one, just featured on BlogHer (to my total surprise! I almost deleted it!).
Included in my project are collateral areas that affect my parenting, such as my relationship with my spouse and Heavenly Father, including keeping myself replenished so I have enough to give. As inspired by Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, each month's resolutions carry over to the next month.
Each month, I hit a wall roughly a week into a new resolution. It was a good experience to learn to lean on God more and ask for His help in overcoming my weaknesses and change my heart. One of the other overarching things I've learned through each month is that if I focus on communicating love, the kids forgive my shortcomings and mistakes (there are lots, trust me).
(If you scroll over to the top right, a gray box will appear. There is one marked "labels," that will lead you to different post topics.)
Month 1:
* Worked on quality time with kids each day, twice a month dates with husband, exercise each morning, to name a few. See recap of month one here.
Month 2:
* Worked on speaking positively to and about my kids. Still noticing how organization (or lack thereof! mostly that!), cleanliness around the house, and a good night's rest aid or abet this goal. :) Recap, see here.
Month 3 (see goals here):
* Took the first week and worked on organization-- made a set of goals and rules. This was great at helping me see the big picture. Updated my kid's job charts for the summer.
* For spouse-- worked on a budget. Embarrassing, I noticed how much money I spent on eating out. (it seemed like every other entry was "Little Caesar's!"-- guaranteed the other nights we were eating cereal for dinner) Note a bit of foreshadowing here as I prepare for next month. :) I learned that more important than how much a couple makes is the different partner's attitudes toward money. Found this website through Parent's Magazine, its called Find Your Money Mind ( here ). It helps couples find out how they view money and facilitates communication with spouse/partner. Very interesting!
* For myself and the kids, I focused this month on Hard Work. After nearly 12 years of being pregnant or nursing most the time, I was in a major energy rut. Just the simple "act the way you want to feel," from The Happiness Project, helped a lot. Acting energetic helped me feel energetic (not saying I'm great, but improved enough to be pleased about it). Gretchen Rubin did a great write-up about improving energy levels on her blog yesterday-- see here.
* I wanted to help my kids learn to really value work, and I gave a lesson on work one night, seemed like it really sunk in (see here); while it really helped me to remember the value of work it made no external life difference that I can see in my kids. :)
* I read The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack. This gave some inspiration and encouragement and guidance in the realm of teaching kids how to work. I will have to pick this element up again in a few months. I was worried my kids would complain when I told them about the new jobs and skills they would be learning in the next couple of months, and they totally surprised me by being mildly excited! (just a clue, I found the above mentioned book on my nine year old's bookcase by her bed...just a little light reading to make her sleepy) Also, I stepped back and let them do more for themselves and they loved it! (a big "duh!" for me, I guess)
* Made a schedule for myself-- biggest joke of all time! I didn't even do it once! Did I forget that this is summer? And I have a baby? I will try again in a few months.
* We limited TV time to one hour at a specific time of day for the summer, if their chores aren't done they get an hour of quiet time in their rooms while the other kids watch.
They totally surprised me on this one! I thought they'd cry and make a big fuss every day about the TV and they act like they've hardly even noticed! I was hoping my new TV rule would help them work harder, faster in the morning (something my husband wants them to learn). It only did about half the time. Many other days they just played and played all morning with no concern over jobs. Only one day were there some major tears over this, when I made them go to their rooms for quiet time when jobs weren't done. (I also had to be a bit flexible on this-- went for a hike early so it wouldn't be too hot, so I extended time for them to do jobs when we got home)
It didn't help them learn how to work harder, faster, like I'd envisioned, but at least they were playing and not watching TV! And this, coupled with some really fun outings this month...I think they are closer to each other than they've been in a while. Just this morning, for example, they played "nation," by arranging tiny rocks and airsoft pellets into elaborate formations on the floor.
* My two jars-- mystery motivators and extra jobs jar....well, these produced just okay results.
You're sick of me by now. I'm sick of myself, too.
I'm excited for next month! We've definitely had our ups and downs but things are more up than down. And I feel so much more fulfilled than I did before my project, and my kids seem happier. There is an energy booster right there.
What are you doing this weekend? Do you have any tips that have helped you teach your kids the value of work? Or organization tips?
Monday, January 28, 2013
How its Going and a Random Resolution Report
Lately I've been thinking I need to give an update-- I just wanted to let you know what is working and what isn't, so no one out there has a false impression of what really goes on around here. :) This will be a good refresher if you're new here, too.
At the end of April, when my last of five babies turned one, I realized how quickly time was going and that I wanted to make the most of what is left with my kids before its gone. So, inspired by the book the Happiness Project, I set out to work on some different parenting resolutions every month and then carry those forward.
Overall, I've noticed that after the hyper-excitedness of the resolution month is over, the enthusiasm I had for certain things wanes a bit, mostly because regular life takes over and it's not in the forefront of my mind anymore. So, for example, one month this summer we focused on healthy eating. I said that we went 2 weeks with pretty much only vegetables for dinner (my husband loves to garden, so it made it much easier). I don't want anyone to think we have kept up that standard since then! While we are eating healthier overall than we were before, including sticking to my goal of home lunches for the kids for an entire year (wahoo! I can't believe we've done it! But this was a concrete, specific goal, too, and those are easier, right?), we still have some crappy days. My husband went out of town last week and lets just say: junk fest.
So here are some successes and failures that come to mind right off the bat:
* Got up early and exercised pretty consistently for 6 months, as per my first month's resolution (the idea was that taking care of myself helps me to be a better mother, which it definitely did!). I lost 10 pounds. Then I gained it back after I got injured and sick and haven't been able to exercise. Drat. But it's about to get better.
* One month I worked on teaching my kids how to work. This included updating their job charts with chores they need to be doing according to the book The Parenting Breakthrough, including being trained on a job before they officially have to perform it. The persistent problem in this arena (remember my brilliant movie tickets? Um, I used those for one week. Ouch.) is that my kids are motivated by TV/computer time, which they are only allowed on weekends, or friend time, which is hard on school days, so they rarely complete their jobs on school days. But my oldest two do clean bathrooms, which is totally awesome! One other bonus from this month was that I am much more conscious of when I do too much for them, and I see it in the context of disabling/hurting self-esteem, so I am trying to do better.
* Talking positively to and around the kids. I wish I could say I am always glowing with positive words toward the kids. I wish. I struggle with the dual-- don't overpraise (which can be damaging too), or just forgetting to praise and getting caught in the whole thick-of-the-moment "put on your shoes-come to dinner- don't put food on the baby" mode. But one positive is that I catch myself (not perfect!) when I'm about to say something negative about one of the kids in front of them now.
* Quality time. This is one area I have stuck with-- giving the kids at least 1 hour of quality time each day. Occasionally it has been less than quality, but we've done it. And sometimes I've played catch-up, doing extra time some days, but I try not to do this because it throws life out of whack. Lots and lots of good things have come as a result of this resolution! And it's my favorite. I would like to do more, but was trying not to burn out, so we'll see for the future if I can add more time.
* A different month I worked on doing "acts of service" (I got the idea for some of these through Chapman/Campbell's The Five Love Languages of Children) for the kids, including putting on a happier face when I am asked for a drink or the like at a really inconvenient time. This was another favorite month, as I saw all the millions of ordinary tasks I do as a way of showing love, and not just a drain on my energy. :) Some of that attitude has continued, but not all the time.
* Dating my husband- we started going out on dates every other week. This lasted a few months. In the last couple we've probably only gone out a couple of times. But we're going to get back on track!
* "F" stands for epic fail a couple of times this fall. :)
* Mid-month goals: most of my mid-month goals have not succeeded. I don't know why. One mid-month goal that went well for a while was my goal of limiting TV to an hour a day for the little ones. I've been really bad the last couple of months with lots of illness making its rounds. But going to get going again.
As for this month, it's going much better than last. I'm working on being a more firm disciplinarian, since I tend to be about as firm as mush. We talked about some rules together on a Monday night a few weeks ago, with the kids offering what they thought should be or what they thought represented current family rules. A few of the things they said were funny, but they were mostly right on. Later, on my own, I started my list, matching consequences to crimes, by trying to imagine real life consequences for behavior for adult behavior. So, for example, if a person doesn't go to work in a real-life scenario, they may not have food to eat. In the past, I've been reticent to try the idea I read about in Parenting with Love and Logic, the idea that parents tell kids they can come to dinner when "x" is picked up, for example. But I've tried this a few times in the last couple of weeks and it has helped. They hurry really fast to pick up toys or whatever when dinner is on the table and they are missing it.
Still, I'm noticing just how bad I am at this. One of the biggest challenges for me, when it comes to discipline, is the dual- show empathy/steel yourself to be firm (I love this mother's advice to think of yourself as a "durable object" during a tantrum or the like) advice; these seem to contradict each other? I have such a hard time being kind and firm at the same time, I find it easier to be one or the other. Ideas? (though I do use the advice from the Five Love Languages of Children, to speak a love language when putting them into time out, such as saying I love you or giving a hug, I'm just bad at getting to the time-out point to begin with!)
I have also had the idea to help the kids learn discipline through a more positive means. I've been thinking that we need to work on one thing at a time, with a specific reward attached, whether it be time with a parent or earning something they want. For example, I've talked before about helping my kids get up earlier and get started on their chores in the morning. I'm just so bad at this, partly because I'm not very consistent right now (I blame still getting up multiple times at night!). But if I try incorporating one new thing into the morning routine for each child, and providing a moderate incentive, who knows?
As I look back on this project so far, there is so much more good than bad, even with all my mistakes and shortcomings. We have made some really great memories together (for 2012's highlights, see here). It's been a really wonderful experience. Oh yeah, and blogging has been a good experience too-- it has given me a boost I really needed, provided a creative outlet, added accountability, helped me see all the positive things in my life, documented memories, helped combat the sometime sense of isolation that can go hand-in-hand with being a full-time mom today, and connected me to friends old and new (thanks for being so kind!).
Oh yeah, and as to getting in the picture, see this wonderful article that I can totally relate to! Inch by inch we're getting better around here.
You've had enough of me for now. I hope this was as clear as mud. As usual, I welcome your sage advice and experiences!
At the end of April, when my last of five babies turned one, I realized how quickly time was going and that I wanted to make the most of what is left with my kids before its gone. So, inspired by the book the Happiness Project, I set out to work on some different parenting resolutions every month and then carry those forward.
Overall, I've noticed that after the hyper-excitedness of the resolution month is over, the enthusiasm I had for certain things wanes a bit, mostly because regular life takes over and it's not in the forefront of my mind anymore. So, for example, one month this summer we focused on healthy eating. I said that we went 2 weeks with pretty much only vegetables for dinner (my husband loves to garden, so it made it much easier). I don't want anyone to think we have kept up that standard since then! While we are eating healthier overall than we were before, including sticking to my goal of home lunches for the kids for an entire year (wahoo! I can't believe we've done it! But this was a concrete, specific goal, too, and those are easier, right?), we still have some crappy days. My husband went out of town last week and lets just say: junk fest.
So here are some successes and failures that come to mind right off the bat:
* Got up early and exercised pretty consistently for 6 months, as per my first month's resolution (the idea was that taking care of myself helps me to be a better mother, which it definitely did!). I lost 10 pounds. Then I gained it back after I got injured and sick and haven't been able to exercise. Drat. But it's about to get better.
* One month I worked on teaching my kids how to work. This included updating their job charts with chores they need to be doing according to the book The Parenting Breakthrough, including being trained on a job before they officially have to perform it. The persistent problem in this arena (remember my brilliant movie tickets? Um, I used those for one week. Ouch.) is that my kids are motivated by TV/computer time, which they are only allowed on weekends, or friend time, which is hard on school days, so they rarely complete their jobs on school days. But my oldest two do clean bathrooms, which is totally awesome! One other bonus from this month was that I am much more conscious of when I do too much for them, and I see it in the context of disabling/hurting self-esteem, so I am trying to do better.
* Talking positively to and around the kids. I wish I could say I am always glowing with positive words toward the kids. I wish. I struggle with the dual-- don't overpraise (which can be damaging too), or just forgetting to praise and getting caught in the whole thick-of-the-moment "put on your shoes-come to dinner- don't put food on the baby" mode. But one positive is that I catch myself (not perfect!) when I'm about to say something negative about one of the kids in front of them now.
* Quality time. This is one area I have stuck with-- giving the kids at least 1 hour of quality time each day. Occasionally it has been less than quality, but we've done it. And sometimes I've played catch-up, doing extra time some days, but I try not to do this because it throws life out of whack. Lots and lots of good things have come as a result of this resolution! And it's my favorite. I would like to do more, but was trying not to burn out, so we'll see for the future if I can add more time.
* A different month I worked on doing "acts of service" (I got the idea for some of these through Chapman/Campbell's The Five Love Languages of Children) for the kids, including putting on a happier face when I am asked for a drink or the like at a really inconvenient time. This was another favorite month, as I saw all the millions of ordinary tasks I do as a way of showing love, and not just a drain on my energy. :) Some of that attitude has continued, but not all the time.
* Dating my husband- we started going out on dates every other week. This lasted a few months. In the last couple we've probably only gone out a couple of times. But we're going to get back on track!
* "F" stands for epic fail a couple of times this fall. :)
* Mid-month goals: most of my mid-month goals have not succeeded. I don't know why. One mid-month goal that went well for a while was my goal of limiting TV to an hour a day for the little ones. I've been really bad the last couple of months with lots of illness making its rounds. But going to get going again.
As for this month, it's going much better than last. I'm working on being a more firm disciplinarian, since I tend to be about as firm as mush. We talked about some rules together on a Monday night a few weeks ago, with the kids offering what they thought should be or what they thought represented current family rules. A few of the things they said were funny, but they were mostly right on. Later, on my own, I started my list, matching consequences to crimes, by trying to imagine real life consequences for behavior for adult behavior. So, for example, if a person doesn't go to work in a real-life scenario, they may not have food to eat. In the past, I've been reticent to try the idea I read about in Parenting with Love and Logic, the idea that parents tell kids they can come to dinner when "x" is picked up, for example. But I've tried this a few times in the last couple of weeks and it has helped. They hurry really fast to pick up toys or whatever when dinner is on the table and they are missing it.
Still, I'm noticing just how bad I am at this. One of the biggest challenges for me, when it comes to discipline, is the dual- show empathy/steel yourself to be firm (I love this mother's advice to think of yourself as a "durable object" during a tantrum or the like) advice; these seem to contradict each other? I have such a hard time being kind and firm at the same time, I find it easier to be one or the other. Ideas? (though I do use the advice from the Five Love Languages of Children, to speak a love language when putting them into time out, such as saying I love you or giving a hug, I'm just bad at getting to the time-out point to begin with!)
I have also had the idea to help the kids learn discipline through a more positive means. I've been thinking that we need to work on one thing at a time, with a specific reward attached, whether it be time with a parent or earning something they want. For example, I've talked before about helping my kids get up earlier and get started on their chores in the morning. I'm just so bad at this, partly because I'm not very consistent right now (I blame still getting up multiple times at night!). But if I try incorporating one new thing into the morning routine for each child, and providing a moderate incentive, who knows?
As I look back on this project so far, there is so much more good than bad, even with all my mistakes and shortcomings. We have made some really great memories together (for 2012's highlights, see here). It's been a really wonderful experience. Oh yeah, and blogging has been a good experience too-- it has given me a boost I really needed, provided a creative outlet, added accountability, helped me see all the positive things in my life, documented memories, helped combat the sometime sense of isolation that can go hand-in-hand with being a full-time mom today, and connected me to friends old and new (thanks for being so kind!).
Oh yeah, and as to getting in the picture, see this wonderful article that I can totally relate to! Inch by inch we're getting better around here.
You've had enough of me for now. I hope this was as clear as mud. As usual, I welcome your sage advice and experiences!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Goals for Month 5
It is month 5 already! When did that happen? We have had such a wonderful summer. I'm sad to see it go! But I love the crisp golden feeling of fall in the air.
I am about to send my three oldest off to school. My six year-old will be starting first grade! I have really mixed feelings about this. I feel it is time to start giving more attention to this little girl:
And I am so desperate for a good nap (not happening, with five active kiddos, a certain single fly that seems to know where and when I'm trying to sleep, and my new TV rule!). And less chaos. But, at the same time, I always feel sad for a week or so after my kids start school, especially first grade. Reality hits: time is marching on whether I want it to or not. This little one will not be home finger painting, singing Kindergarten songs, going to the park or story time at the library with me any more. Those days are now over. Though good ones are ahead! It's just-- a special little time is over. Have I made the most of this time? Did I cherish it enough? Did I teach her enough? Will she go forward feeling confident and brave as she faces some of life's realities? Will she remember our times together, our laughs, our walks, our happy and quiet times?
This morning we sat at the breakfast table enjoying slurpy chunks of dripping watermelon, her little elbows resting on the table next to mine. I enjoyed her golden-ish hair and gray-blue eyes, her tiny sprinkling of freckles, and a new little tooth squishing itself in amongst her baby teeth. We laughed and talked and slurped our watermelon, dripping on last night's dinner crumbs. We talked about school and sisters and Satan. :) (don't ask me how these topics interwove) Will I be ready to let her go?
Sorry....I have digressed so much. But there is (sort of) a point.
I have debated much internally over this month's goals. While there are things I need to work on a little more urgently, I've decided to re-focus this month on showing love, as inspired by The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman, Campbell). Specifically, as my kids go back to school, I want to focus on a few areas. (The five love languages they talk about are: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts...I've already worked on two of these) Here are this month's goals:
1. Warm greetings (as inspired by the sneak peak from Gretchen Rubin's new book - Happier at Home) ....specifically I want to hug my kids as they come and go, and focus on smiling more.
2. Acts of Service - create an after-school routine, including a moderately clean house, healthy prepared snack, and a few minute chat.
-- Do little things they need when they need them instead of putting them off.
-- Create a better bedtime routine (including making dinner on time so kids have plenty of time to get ready for bed).
-- Have myself or the kids prepare their own lunches every day this year.
-- Get back in the habit of doing my girls' hair!
-- Use what I learned about positive words as I leave my kids at least one note a week in their lunch or bedroom.
3. Children's charity of the month-- as part of this blog I'd like to start learning about a new children's charity each month and use the money I earn that month to donate toward said charity.
4. For my husband and myself-- make something to display that encapsulates the family goals we talked about in Month 3.
What will you miss most about summer? I will miss fresh tomatoes, swimming, going places when we want to, and no homework!
I am about to send my three oldest off to school. My six year-old will be starting first grade! I have really mixed feelings about this. I feel it is time to start giving more attention to this little girl:
And I am so desperate for a good nap (not happening, with five active kiddos, a certain single fly that seems to know where and when I'm trying to sleep, and my new TV rule!). And less chaos. But, at the same time, I always feel sad for a week or so after my kids start school, especially first grade. Reality hits: time is marching on whether I want it to or not. This little one will not be home finger painting, singing Kindergarten songs, going to the park or story time at the library with me any more. Those days are now over. Though good ones are ahead! It's just-- a special little time is over. Have I made the most of this time? Did I cherish it enough? Did I teach her enough? Will she go forward feeling confident and brave as she faces some of life's realities? Will she remember our times together, our laughs, our walks, our happy and quiet times?
This morning we sat at the breakfast table enjoying slurpy chunks of dripping watermelon, her little elbows resting on the table next to mine. I enjoyed her golden-ish hair and gray-blue eyes, her tiny sprinkling of freckles, and a new little tooth squishing itself in amongst her baby teeth. We laughed and talked and slurped our watermelon, dripping on last night's dinner crumbs. We talked about school and sisters and Satan. :) (don't ask me how these topics interwove) Will I be ready to let her go?
Sorry....I have digressed so much. But there is (sort of) a point.
I have debated much internally over this month's goals. While there are things I need to work on a little more urgently, I've decided to re-focus this month on showing love, as inspired by The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman, Campbell). Specifically, as my kids go back to school, I want to focus on a few areas. (The five love languages they talk about are: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts...I've already worked on two of these) Here are this month's goals:
1. Warm greetings (as inspired by the sneak peak from Gretchen Rubin's new book - Happier at Home) ....specifically I want to hug my kids as they come and go, and focus on smiling more.
2. Acts of Service - create an after-school routine, including a moderately clean house, healthy prepared snack, and a few minute chat.
-- Do little things they need when they need them instead of putting them off.
-- Create a better bedtime routine (including making dinner on time so kids have plenty of time to get ready for bed).
-- Have myself or the kids prepare their own lunches every day this year.
-- Get back in the habit of doing my girls' hair!
-- Use what I learned about positive words as I leave my kids at least one note a week in their lunch or bedroom.
3. Children's charity of the month-- as part of this blog I'd like to start learning about a new children's charity each month and use the money I earn that month to donate toward said charity.
4. For my husband and myself-- make something to display that encapsulates the family goals we talked about in Month 3.
What will you miss most about summer? I will miss fresh tomatoes, swimming, going places when we want to, and no homework!
Monday, April 8, 2013
April Goals
Whoa, dearest readers, by the end of this month I will have been doing my project and blogging about it for one whole year. Thanks for the wonderful ride.
I almost posted goals last week, as I penciled a rather large list of things I want/need to work on while I was at my parent's house last week for part of Spring Break. But I didn't feel ready... yet. I wanted to let the ideas sort themselves and stew and gain some clarity, which happened over the weekend.
First off, I need to thank you for your words of support and encouragement last month. So kind. I am feeling much better, thank you. Getting a diagnosis was both a relief and...not, as I sort of re-experienced all of the pain associated from a whole life's worth of struggle. I've already devoured several books on the subject (ADD), and gained a bunch of new insight into myself and my kids and even my relationship with my husband. There is a really fine line between understanding one's limitations and dwelling on them. I've found some material that depressed me (amazing just how many people with ADD later become addicts, for example, because of poor impulse control and an unwitting desire to self-medicate their symptoms) and other material that was really positive, pointing out all of the strengths of being ADD (I found this site, based on the work of Dr. Daniel Amen-- who thinks ADD belongs in 6 classifications, in which two are considered personality types and not a disorder-- particularly encouraging). So I'm going to try and focus on the positive, for myself and son, as put forth in books by the likes of Dr. Edward Hallowell (he has ADHD himself) and Thom Hartmann (who sees modern manifestation of ADHD as a "hunter" -like gene in a "farmer"-based world). It really is a huge blessing, even though it has been hard, that I have learned all of this before any of my kids have hit the really difficult years as far as studying, exposure to illicit substances, etc. :)
Blah, blah. Some day I'll learn to edit myself!
As I've studied all about ADHD, I've learned that many of the same techniques that help ADD'ers will help anyone. I've learned about all that medication can do for people with ADD (even though we have been trying something called Biofeedback), but that it is only part of a three-legged stool in the approach to treatment. Medication can help kids/adults be more focused for example, but cannot teach skills that haven't yet been learned, like organization. And that the other part of any treatment plan which will help anyone's focus, involves standard health procedures, such as getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well (particularly Omega 3-rich foods). Oh yeah, and routines are especially important for those with ADD. That really sounds overwhelming to me, as I stink at routines! But I am going to try.
So, long story, not ever short, here goes. My goals for my kids are:
1. Develop an after-school and evening routine with built-in consequences, starting with one or two incorporations at a time and gradually adding more throughout the month. Including some mandatory time outside each day. Because I'm a softie, but my kiddos really need it.
2. Focus on paying attention to my kids feelings of belonging and significance.
And, brace yourself here. I know I have had goals to increase my own well-being most months, as it helps me be a better mom, but this month I have a whole bunch.
1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
2. Start getting up early to exercise again (I've found a cheap gym close by, so even though I miss running so dearly, it will do the trick for now).
3. Use fruits and vegetables as snacks.
4. Enlist the aid of select others to work on some things that I now see are weaknesses, such as budgeting and organizing.
5. Make a sticker chart for myself to track limited TV watching (we set this as a goal in a different month, but it has gotten out of control lately).
I have more I'm dying to work on, but I want these goals to be successful in the long-term, which they probably won't if I overdo it.
Happy Monday, everyone! I have a few fun Spring Break photos to share this week.
Do any of you have tricks that you have used to motivate yourself to do a difficult task, to avoid procrastinating, or to help you focus?
I almost posted goals last week, as I penciled a rather large list of things I want/need to work on while I was at my parent's house last week for part of Spring Break. But I didn't feel ready... yet. I wanted to let the ideas sort themselves and stew and gain some clarity, which happened over the weekend.
First off, I need to thank you for your words of support and encouragement last month. So kind. I am feeling much better, thank you. Getting a diagnosis was both a relief and...not, as I sort of re-experienced all of the pain associated from a whole life's worth of struggle. I've already devoured several books on the subject (ADD), and gained a bunch of new insight into myself and my kids and even my relationship with my husband. There is a really fine line between understanding one's limitations and dwelling on them. I've found some material that depressed me (amazing just how many people with ADD later become addicts, for example, because of poor impulse control and an unwitting desire to self-medicate their symptoms) and other material that was really positive, pointing out all of the strengths of being ADD (I found this site, based on the work of Dr. Daniel Amen-- who thinks ADD belongs in 6 classifications, in which two are considered personality types and not a disorder-- particularly encouraging). So I'm going to try and focus on the positive, for myself and son, as put forth in books by the likes of Dr. Edward Hallowell (he has ADHD himself) and Thom Hartmann (who sees modern manifestation of ADHD as a "hunter" -like gene in a "farmer"-based world). It really is a huge blessing, even though it has been hard, that I have learned all of this before any of my kids have hit the really difficult years as far as studying, exposure to illicit substances, etc. :)
Blah, blah. Some day I'll learn to edit myself!
As I've studied all about ADHD, I've learned that many of the same techniques that help ADD'ers will help anyone. I've learned about all that medication can do for people with ADD (even though we have been trying something called Biofeedback), but that it is only part of a three-legged stool in the approach to treatment. Medication can help kids/adults be more focused for example, but cannot teach skills that haven't yet been learned, like organization. And that the other part of any treatment plan which will help anyone's focus, involves standard health procedures, such as getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well (particularly Omega 3-rich foods). Oh yeah, and routines are especially important for those with ADD. That really sounds overwhelming to me, as I stink at routines! But I am going to try.
So, long story, not ever short, here goes. My goals for my kids are:
1. Develop an after-school and evening routine with built-in consequences, starting with one or two incorporations at a time and gradually adding more throughout the month. Including some mandatory time outside each day. Because I'm a softie, but my kiddos really need it.
2. Focus on paying attention to my kids feelings of belonging and significance.
And, brace yourself here. I know I have had goals to increase my own well-being most months, as it helps me be a better mom, but this month I have a whole bunch.
1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
2. Start getting up early to exercise again (I've found a cheap gym close by, so even though I miss running so dearly, it will do the trick for now).
3. Use fruits and vegetables as snacks.
4. Enlist the aid of select others to work on some things that I now see are weaknesses, such as budgeting and organizing.
5. Make a sticker chart for myself to track limited TV watching (we set this as a goal in a different month, but it has gotten out of control lately).
I have more I'm dying to work on, but I want these goals to be successful in the long-term, which they probably won't if I overdo it.
Happy Monday, everyone! I have a few fun Spring Break photos to share this week.
Do any of you have tricks that you have used to motivate yourself to do a difficult task, to avoid procrastinating, or to help you focus?
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Family Night - Hard Work
This month I tried to think about how to help my kids really value work. I thought back in my own life to an experience that changed my heart about the value of work.
I have pushed this part of my past aside often because I regret having spent so much time on sports. I wish I'd spent it on something that lasted a little longer, like school.
So my kids have rarely heard me talk about these experiences. I dug out some old mementos I'd saved in dusty cardboard boxes that smelled of yellow paper and the past.
I gave them each one of these things to hold (my husband was working late).
They were so cute, my little 3 wanted the "necklace," and promptly put it on, and others turned the papers or jar over in their hands with wondering looks.
I told them the story of a little girl who was once the worst player on her soccer team. She was also the one panting the hardest at the back of the pack any time conditioning or longer distance running were done, resenting every minute of it. Yes, it was me.
Then one day, in high school, she read an article about a young cross country runner named Rosy Gardner (full article here), who worked so hard the football coaches at her high school often wished they could pour some of her energy and grit into their players. She did two-a-days, her first one at 5:20 am each day, rain or shine. At one point, a trainer had to practically physically carry her to get her feet looked at -- she had peeled off blood-encrusted socks (from blisters) in preparation to run (again) with her team that day (I admired this a lot at the time, ha ha). Not only that, but Gardner was a pleasant, humble, well-liked student.
I was so inspired by this story as a young teenage athlete that I cut out the article and kept the front page pinned to my bedroom wall or bulletin board for several years. It inspired me to work harder. I improved so much in soccer that I went from the worst on my team to second-team all state.
In track, I tried to imitate Rosy by pulling two-a-days and doing gut wrenching work-outs, even in the rain or on holidays. My senior year, I counted down the last 100 days with little white papers taped to my closet door to remind me of how little time I really had to prepare for the state championship. Each day, I'd pull down a paper and write down what I did for training that day. Then I put them in a jar.
When the Regional Championships came around, I toted my little Tang bottle with me to the meet for moral support. If nothing else, I knew I had given my all. I knew I was racing someone who ran two seconds better than my best time (that is a lot). When we rounded the bend, 200 meters into our 300, I was ahead of her but she started to pull up as if to pass me. I gritted my teeth, the days running in the rain, the times of sacrifice, alone in the early dark, practicing hurdles until I had bruises all over my knees-- all these flashed through my mind, and I hung tight. Clearing that last hurdle took the last ounce of my strength. I won by a tiny bit, beating my best time by two seconds. That day, I stood on the stand in the "1" position for the first time.
More than that, I knew that no matter the outcome I had won, because I had bettered myself and done all I could do. My proudest achievement was not to be known as the fastest runner, but as someone who wasn't trying in every way possible to cut corners, but as someone who gave her all. (this is good to remember! I can do it! I can work hard!)
Here is a poem I wrote in high school about the overall experience:
The Road
Silently
the footsteps fall
on the wet pavement,
The snow
Beats a slow
Rhythm
On a veiled world,
The streetlight
Illuminates the quiet darkness
As the feet move
Slowly on.
Days turn into weeks,
Yet the slow footsteps
Continue through
The moods of the season,
Drawing strength from
Their silent pilgrimage.
The steps retreat for a moment
And record forever
The image of a blue-gold sky
And the snow
Falling
In the mountains.
I ran the road
Alone,
Expecting only
To conquer myself.
The work
And the sacrifice
And the moments of silent repose
Are mine
Forever.
My kids were strangely quiet as I related these events and had one of them read the poem.
I told them my wish for them would be not to do what I had done, by pouring their best efforts and energies into sports and competitiveness (though these have their place), but into school and service. I told them that working hard would be one of the most important things they will ever learn.
Then we had a closing prayer. My little nine year-old said a sweet, thoughtful prayer, and closed it with "and we're thankful that Mom is our mom."
I have pushed this part of my past aside often because I regret having spent so much time on sports. I wish I'd spent it on something that lasted a little longer, like school.
So my kids have rarely heard me talk about these experiences. I dug out some old mementos I'd saved in dusty cardboard boxes that smelled of yellow paper and the past.
I gave them each one of these things to hold (my husband was working late).
They were so cute, my little 3 wanted the "necklace," and promptly put it on, and others turned the papers or jar over in their hands with wondering looks.
I told them the story of a little girl who was once the worst player on her soccer team. She was also the one panting the hardest at the back of the pack any time conditioning or longer distance running were done, resenting every minute of it. Yes, it was me.
Then one day, in high school, she read an article about a young cross country runner named Rosy Gardner (full article here), who worked so hard the football coaches at her high school often wished they could pour some of her energy and grit into their players. She did two-a-days, her first one at 5:20 am each day, rain or shine. At one point, a trainer had to practically physically carry her to get her feet looked at -- she had peeled off blood-encrusted socks (from blisters) in preparation to run (again) with her team that day (I admired this a lot at the time, ha ha). Not only that, but Gardner was a pleasant, humble, well-liked student.
I was so inspired by this story as a young teenage athlete that I cut out the article and kept the front page pinned to my bedroom wall or bulletin board for several years. It inspired me to work harder. I improved so much in soccer that I went from the worst on my team to second-team all state.
In track, I tried to imitate Rosy by pulling two-a-days and doing gut wrenching work-outs, even in the rain or on holidays. My senior year, I counted down the last 100 days with little white papers taped to my closet door to remind me of how little time I really had to prepare for the state championship. Each day, I'd pull down a paper and write down what I did for training that day. Then I put them in a jar.
When the Regional Championships came around, I toted my little Tang bottle with me to the meet for moral support. If nothing else, I knew I had given my all. I knew I was racing someone who ran two seconds better than my best time (that is a lot). When we rounded the bend, 200 meters into our 300, I was ahead of her but she started to pull up as if to pass me. I gritted my teeth, the days running in the rain, the times of sacrifice, alone in the early dark, practicing hurdles until I had bruises all over my knees-- all these flashed through my mind, and I hung tight. Clearing that last hurdle took the last ounce of my strength. I won by a tiny bit, beating my best time by two seconds. That day, I stood on the stand in the "1" position for the first time.
More than that, I knew that no matter the outcome I had won, because I had bettered myself and done all I could do. My proudest achievement was not to be known as the fastest runner, but as someone who wasn't trying in every way possible to cut corners, but as someone who gave her all. (this is good to remember! I can do it! I can work hard!)
Here is a poem I wrote in high school about the overall experience:
The Road
Silently
the footsteps fall
on the wet pavement,
The snow
Beats a slow
Rhythm
On a veiled world,
The streetlight
Illuminates the quiet darkness
As the feet move
Slowly on.
Days turn into weeks,
Yet the slow footsteps
Continue through
The moods of the season,
Drawing strength from
Their silent pilgrimage.
The steps retreat for a moment
And record forever
The image of a blue-gold sky
And the snow
Falling
In the mountains.
I ran the road
Alone,
Expecting only
To conquer myself.
The work
And the sacrifice
And the moments of silent repose
Are mine
Forever.
My kids were strangely quiet as I related these events and had one of them read the poem.
I told them my wish for them would be not to do what I had done, by pouring their best efforts and energies into sports and competitiveness (though these have their place), but into school and service. I told them that working hard would be one of the most important things they will ever learn.
Then we had a closing prayer. My little nine year-old said a sweet, thoughtful prayer, and closed it with "and we're thankful that Mom is our mom."
Monday, July 2, 2012
Month 3, Part Two-- Teaching Work
This month I have some specific things we need to improve on. I don't think we are bad at working, we just need to improve. The kids have jobs and the thing I've found to be most successful at motivating them is no privileges (TV, computer, friends, etc) until their jobs are done. I'm not consistent about some things, but this is one thing I'm consistent about, and it works really well.
I have used a binder system to track jobs in the past (I am not good at any kind of job chart that requires frequent maintenance on my part, such as stickers). It worked well. But now we use My Job Chart -- see my review here. One of the nice things about My Job Chart is that it keeps track of how many "points" your child earns-- you don't have to. The only time parental involvement needed is to add or change jobs, specify which rewards are available for your child to earn (there are custom fields for both of these, if you want them to have a job or reward not in My Job Chart's system, and you can decide if you want them to be able to earn toys or monetary-based rewards), and act when they redeem an award.
After reading The Parenting Breakthrough my Merrillee Boyack, here are some of the things she's inspired me to work on, as well as some of my own:
1) Make a list of all the things I would like my kids to learn in order to be an independent adult (list things like wise investing, how to clean a toilet, how to change the oil in a car, etc), then make a plan, year by year, of the things they need to learn. She has her own plan, according to age, which is really good. There are definitely some things on her list that my kids are not doing.
We already started this, and it was a wonderful experience for me and my husband. What a great perspective giver. We are going to hone it down a little in conjunction with a family motto and basic family rules, but we got a great start.
2) Help my kids understand the value of work. Making them work and actually helping them learn to value work are two different things. (more of that becoming stuff I want-- if they actually value it, it will change their life, if not, its only a short-term fix)
Immediate plan: I have a Family Night lesson all planned for tonight-- we'll see how it goes. Obviously it will take a lot of times for this lesson to really sink in. For tonight, I'm also going to introduce the "training plan" Boyack writes about-- giving my kids some notice before I train them in a new job. (more later in the month)
3) Help them learn how to be self-starters-- get up early, on their own, and get to work (dream on, right?). I don't know how I'm going to do this yet, but I am determined to help them do it!
4) Work hard myself. I've been afraid to push myself too hard since I didn't sleep the first 10 months of baby's life, but its time to start. Every parenting book I read says that kids need to see their parents showing the way rather than just spewing idle talk.
5) Limit TV/computer. We've gotten into some bad habits the last six months or so! I'm going to limit my kiddos to 1 hour of screen time during the summer, limit TV to weekends during the school year for the big kids (1 hour per day during school year for little ones).
6) Accountability. I'm going to actually check my kids jobs to make sure they are done. Boyack suggests making a 3x5 card with the requirements for a particular job in detail-- ie, for bathroom it would include wipe mirrors, empty trash, wipe sinks, clean toilet, etc.
7) Positive Rewards. I made a jar with papers called "Mystery Motivators" (got the idea from a friend). I learned in The Power of Positive Parenting (Latham) that intermittent reinforcement can be a powerful rewarding tool (periodically providing a reward-- this also works in the negative, if I let them get away with something once, they are likely to try many times to get away with it again).
8) Work together. I've wanted to work together as a family for ages, we just never do it. Going to try something new this month, I'll let you know how it goes.
How do you teach your kids to work? Any job chart ideas that work for you? Boyack thinks varying the job charts is a great idea to keep things interesting.
I have used a binder system to track jobs in the past (I am not good at any kind of job chart that requires frequent maintenance on my part, such as stickers). It worked well. But now we use My Job Chart -- see my review here. One of the nice things about My Job Chart is that it keeps track of how many "points" your child earns-- you don't have to. The only time parental involvement needed is to add or change jobs, specify which rewards are available for your child to earn (there are custom fields for both of these, if you want them to have a job or reward not in My Job Chart's system, and you can decide if you want them to be able to earn toys or monetary-based rewards), and act when they redeem an award.
After reading The Parenting Breakthrough my Merrillee Boyack, here are some of the things she's inspired me to work on, as well as some of my own:
1) Make a list of all the things I would like my kids to learn in order to be an independent adult (list things like wise investing, how to clean a toilet, how to change the oil in a car, etc), then make a plan, year by year, of the things they need to learn. She has her own plan, according to age, which is really good. There are definitely some things on her list that my kids are not doing.
We already started this, and it was a wonderful experience for me and my husband. What a great perspective giver. We are going to hone it down a little in conjunction with a family motto and basic family rules, but we got a great start.
2) Help my kids understand the value of work. Making them work and actually helping them learn to value work are two different things. (more of that becoming stuff I want-- if they actually value it, it will change their life, if not, its only a short-term fix)
Immediate plan: I have a Family Night lesson all planned for tonight-- we'll see how it goes. Obviously it will take a lot of times for this lesson to really sink in. For tonight, I'm also going to introduce the "training plan" Boyack writes about-- giving my kids some notice before I train them in a new job. (more later in the month)
3) Help them learn how to be self-starters-- get up early, on their own, and get to work (dream on, right?). I don't know how I'm going to do this yet, but I am determined to help them do it!
4) Work hard myself. I've been afraid to push myself too hard since I didn't sleep the first 10 months of baby's life, but its time to start. Every parenting book I read says that kids need to see their parents showing the way rather than just spewing idle talk.
5) Limit TV/computer. We've gotten into some bad habits the last six months or so! I'm going to limit my kiddos to 1 hour of screen time during the summer, limit TV to weekends during the school year for the big kids (1 hour per day during school year for little ones).
6) Accountability. I'm going to actually check my kids jobs to make sure they are done. Boyack suggests making a 3x5 card with the requirements for a particular job in detail-- ie, for bathroom it would include wipe mirrors, empty trash, wipe sinks, clean toilet, etc.
7) Positive Rewards. I made a jar with papers called "Mystery Motivators" (got the idea from a friend). I learned in The Power of Positive Parenting (Latham) that intermittent reinforcement can be a powerful rewarding tool (periodically providing a reward-- this also works in the negative, if I let them get away with something once, they are likely to try many times to get away with it again).
8) Work together. I've wanted to work together as a family for ages, we just never do it. Going to try something new this month, I'll let you know how it goes.
How do you teach your kids to work? Any job chart ideas that work for you? Boyack thinks varying the job charts is a great idea to keep things interesting.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Weekend
(photo cred belongs to my dear mother)
We had an eventful weekend around here. On Saturday I helped my parents remove some wallpaper in a home they are buying (five minutes from my house! how exciting is that?), went to my oldest son's soccer game (he is a great little goalie, only he is not so little anymore!) while I kept an eye several places (my girls were taking very good care of E., mother-henning him all over the place, but when he got tired of that, he enjoyed splashing through a long puddle several times in a row. After a busy work day we got cleaned up just in time to help at my cousin's wedding. The wedding was the perfect Pinterest wedding, if I may say so (but I didn't have my camera!). It was in a barn strung with white globe lights and two beautiful white chandeliers. The tables were decorated with vintage eclectic flower vases filled with Redbud branches in full bloom and other assorted spring flowers (and a light farm animal scent for ambiance, too). Gorgeous photos and little chalkboard sayings hung around the room; the bride and groom stood in front of a large chalkboard with their names artistically rendered in beautiful clean white chalk across the top. I got the best of all the worlds, because I got to serve milk and cookies in a cute apron with my sister while my husband chased the baby outside on the grass (by the time we left he was convinced we should buy the place, and it was cute but...) and my other girls helped (sometimes a little over-enthusiastically) pick up after people who were finished with their milk and cookies. And we got to sneak some treats for ourselves here and there. I thought it was funny how many sheepish older men felt they needed to apologize for or explain to me why they were taking chocolate milk (huh? is chocolate milk unmanly or something?). It was dreamy, I kept kicking myself for not bringing along my camera. When we were all finished, they let us take an antique vase home. Trust me, I got to listen all weekend to a little girl who somehow felt cheated that her sister had gotten the cutest vase and why oh why couldn't she just giiiiiive it to her? (there were many tears over this)
Saturday night we were awakened in the middle of the night to some eerie sounds (not the wind, it was doing a number outside), only to discover that Maia was puking her guts out in the middle of the hallway. Of course the ruckus woke up the baby, so I sat with him for a few minutes (praying that he would go to sleep? or praying that he wouldn't? so I wouldn't have to face the...) while my husband dealt with the throw up and the thrower upper. Pretty soon, though, my baby duties didn't exempt me from throw up duty. (thank heavens he got the worst of it! I have the worst possible constitution as they say, for vomit. I can clean up pretty much anything else, but trust me, I contribute to the mess when I have to clean that stuff up) So we spent the next hour or so cleaning spots from her bed to the bathroom, no small trek if you ask me. The baby got up again (I guess I have to stop calling him "the baby" now? He is two after all, ha.), and started hanging on me and begging to watch Mater, so I set him up watching Mater's Tall Tales in the middle of the night, it was actually pretty cute, he wanted to watch it on the tablet while he laid on his tummy, elbows propped, on a single stair leading to my bedroom closet, with the glow lighting up his little face in the darkness. (and I tell you what, Dad Gum, that show cracks me up, Mater and Mator)
By the time we got it all cleaned up and I started to get him back to bed it was 5am, after he fell asleep I figured I may as well get up for the day, since I had things to do.
I got to go to church with just one little girl, since everyone else was still sleeping when it was time to go (I couldn't bring myself to wake them up, since we had lights and noise going on in the middle of the night, in one of their rooms), so we had a good little date. She brought her little vase of orange flowers from the wedding and I was too tired to care. We had a few touch-and-go moments in church, as she wanted to hold the flowers up above her head (several times? you'd think since she was unhappy with her vase she wouldn't be wanting to show it off to a whole congregation of people?) She spilled the water a few times but she always ran to the bathroom right away to get some paper towels to clean it up. :)
Sunday afternoon I took a delicious nap, only interrupted a couple of times. After a loud and laughing mashed potato dinner (I can't remember what was so funny? But I do remember looking around and feeling so happy that everyone was so breathlessly amused and talkative all at once), we went outside and played soccer, the oldest two and I. I just love how pleasant my oldest son always is. He laughed every time I scored on him (what is so funny about that?). And my oldest daughter, she was a good sport too. Maia came walking out in her pj's with her throw up bucket, which was soon to blow away, unattended. The baby kept wandering in and out of the field of play and so did the cats. He spent a few minutes crouched next to the porch, where they fled from him, watching curiously and wondering how he could get to those cats (loves them!). Pretty soon the littest three were bouncing on the neighbors trampoline (sorry!) while we next tried a creative game of baseball. Creative, when you only have 1-2 players on a team, and both members of your team are on base. Who is supposed to bat? My husband came out and joined us and we enjoyed some mutually competitive taunting. Then we trailed in our balls and bats and throw up buckets and made our way upstairs for a twilit story or two, and I finished the day with a little knocked out nursing baby (love him! there is something so magical about a sleeping baby, too) and we finished the movie Lincoln that we had started the night before.
How was your weekend? I really enjoy getting a break from the daily tasks, but Mondays are extra work because of it (we let everything go south on Sunday).
I am really happy about this month's goals. So glad to get a break from trying to be good at something I'm not (the discipline and the schedules, which I will get back to, just not quite yet), and just focus on showing love to them through spending time together (my favorite).
Friday, May 31, 2013
End of the Month Round-up
I'm sort of embarrassed to be coming here, again, to say...um, fail. All of this month's goals went out the window. Though we did do maintenance from other months, so I guess that is good.
I didn't intend to do so, but I spent this month reading a lot in an attempt to better understand my brain and my kids' brains. My husband would be like, you are reading another one (I think, ahem, seven books? can you say, still nursing? can't let go?)? I've learned so much about the hows and whys of ADD life, including adjusted schedules and routines to fit our own circumstance. For example, I've learned how important routines are (ha, funny), how important exercise is, and how important it is to structure one's environment to give reminders (now I know why I have become a religious user of the timer in the kitchen! could not survive without it, even if I have to put something in for two more minutes I always set it for that or else I forget and burn something!), how important it is to tack one task on to another, how important socialization is, how important it is to unlock the hidden potential and talents within ADD, and how (so obvious to me now!) important it is to be careful not to overdo it (poor concept of time and the like). I have gained a whole bunch of insight into myself and how I function, and have started accepting that I will just plain never be good at some things. I've already adjusted some other tasks and expectations-- all it took was a little encouragement to see just how miserable I was at "x" . And hyperfocus? I'm thinking that I need to structure my day to take advantage of hyperfocus, and accept how difficult it is for me to switch gears. So if I can give myself bigger chunks of time to do something, rather than a bunch of little ones that alternate (here is one example: I have read many times that someone with our family size should do laundry every day, but this just does not work for me. I think I'd rather have a mountain twice a week, than a string of clean/dirty laundry that never ends!)
I will do a post about the books I read soon, I don't know why I never read a book on the subject sooner! I've still had my ups and downs as I've alternated between a sense of relief (I finally know why I struggle with some things!), validation (there are many other people out there who have been through it to!), and, lets just admit it, sadness, as I mourn for what I've lost and mourn a bit for my kids who will have some struggles to face up to yet. Finally, peace, as I have realized that ADD presents a whole new range of opportunities and possibilities, just waiting to be unlocked, as I finally accept the things I can't do alone, as well as accepting the gifts that come with it too. Here is to a fresh start!
We have been enjoying the outdoors this week! It has been a really beautiful, cool, leave-your-windows-open-at-night-and-snuggle-up-under-the-covers (and rush around shutting them when the rain rolls in!) kind of week. The little ones and I have had some adventures. I love that they are still little and with me during the day. And I am so excited for school to get out! To have everyone all to myself, less schedules, and some warm weather to enjoy. Have a marvelous weekend, dear ones!
I didn't intend to do so, but I spent this month reading a lot in an attempt to better understand my brain and my kids' brains. My husband would be like, you are reading another one (I think, ahem, seven books? can you say, still nursing? can't let go?)? I've learned so much about the hows and whys of ADD life, including adjusted schedules and routines to fit our own circumstance. For example, I've learned how important routines are (ha, funny), how important exercise is, and how important it is to structure one's environment to give reminders (now I know why I have become a religious user of the timer in the kitchen! could not survive without it, even if I have to put something in for two more minutes I always set it for that or else I forget and burn something!), how important it is to tack one task on to another, how important socialization is, how important it is to unlock the hidden potential and talents within ADD, and how (so obvious to me now!) important it is to be careful not to overdo it (poor concept of time and the like). I have gained a whole bunch of insight into myself and how I function, and have started accepting that I will just plain never be good at some things. I've already adjusted some other tasks and expectations-- all it took was a little encouragement to see just how miserable I was at "x" . And hyperfocus? I'm thinking that I need to structure my day to take advantage of hyperfocus, and accept how difficult it is for me to switch gears. So if I can give myself bigger chunks of time to do something, rather than a bunch of little ones that alternate (here is one example: I have read many times that someone with our family size should do laundry every day, but this just does not work for me. I think I'd rather have a mountain twice a week, than a string of clean/dirty laundry that never ends!)
I will do a post about the books I read soon, I don't know why I never read a book on the subject sooner! I've still had my ups and downs as I've alternated between a sense of relief (I finally know why I struggle with some things!), validation (there are many other people out there who have been through it to!), and, lets just admit it, sadness, as I mourn for what I've lost and mourn a bit for my kids who will have some struggles to face up to yet. Finally, peace, as I have realized that ADD presents a whole new range of opportunities and possibilities, just waiting to be unlocked, as I finally accept the things I can't do alone, as well as accepting the gifts that come with it too. Here is to a fresh start!
We have been enjoying the outdoors this week! It has been a really beautiful, cool, leave-your-windows-open-at-night-and-snuggle-up-under-the-covers (and rush around shutting them when the rain rolls in!) kind of week. The little ones and I have had some adventures. I love that they are still little and with me during the day. And I am so excited for school to get out! To have everyone all to myself, less schedules, and some warm weather to enjoy. Have a marvelous weekend, dear ones!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Some Funnies
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Ok, this month is about over. So what was going to be a six month update will now have to be a seven month update. (organized, anyone?)
Here are a few funny or cute sayings around here lately.
From my three year old, when she was two and a half (just found the paper it was written on):
If you stab me with a poker then I will die with my clothes on in the river with the gooses.
The goose rode his scooter through the mud and he fell and broke his arm.
More recently, she and sometimes my six year old have a hard time with the words hamburger and booger. They call Burger King "Booger King," saying they want a "ham-booger." But then, when the baby has a runny nose, A will say "E. has burgers! Wipe his burgers!" It does not matter what I say, this little confused concoction of words continues.
Baby, who is still interested in trains, confused me one day by saying what I thought was "train" over and over. Until my hubby pointed out that he was saying my name "Treen!" "Treen!" (corinne) It is really super cute. Reminds me of the time when our oldest was this age and called my husband E-Miguel. One day I realized he thought his name was "hey Miguel!" Because I must have said it so frequently.
We thought he was saying "tiger," then "roar," but we figured out he is trying to say "dinosaur." Those dinos made a big impression (he was so scared in one part that he was literally shaking! I felt badly...he seemed to be okay the rest of the time, though always a little wary of the beasts).
Ok, this month is about over. So what was going to be a six month update will now have to be a seven month update. (organized, anyone?)
Here are a few funny or cute sayings around here lately.
From my three year old, when she was two and a half (just found the paper it was written on):
If you stab me with a poker then I will die with my clothes on in the river with the gooses.
The goose rode his scooter through the mud and he fell and broke his arm.
More recently, she and sometimes my six year old have a hard time with the words hamburger and booger. They call Burger King "Booger King," saying they want a "ham-booger." But then, when the baby has a runny nose, A will say "E. has burgers! Wipe his burgers!" It does not matter what I say, this little confused concoction of words continues.
Baby, who is still interested in trains, confused me one day by saying what I thought was "train" over and over. Until my hubby pointed out that he was saying my name "Treen!" "Treen!" (corinne) It is really super cute. Reminds me of the time when our oldest was this age and called my husband E-Miguel. One day I realized he thought his name was "hey Miguel!" Because I must have said it so frequently.
We thought he was saying "tiger," then "roar," but we figured out he is trying to say "dinosaur." Those dinos made a big impression (he was so scared in one part that he was literally shaking! I felt badly...he seemed to be okay the rest of the time, though always a little wary of the beasts).
Thursday, February 14, 2013
A Little Side Goal
Just a quick little something about a side goal that started a couple of months ago. Remember when I worked on organization? Well, that is still an ongoing project. :) But one upside was that I planned out activities for the whole year, like dates with the kids and with my husband. This may seem like overkill, but I have gotten addicted to yearly planning over the last few years. I find I'm so much better at finding a block of time to plan something out, after which I can let it run itself for quite a while. I wanted to make sure I do all those things I always intend to do but never get around to, to be more purposeful about life instead of just going along for the ride.
One of my goals with the planning was to allow for more cultural experiences with the kids, again, in a purposeful way. I did some quick research on the internet to see which art shows, plays, ballets, etc were visiting my state over the next year. Then I did some quick budgetary calculations. Turns out, even though I'd like to go to lots of plays, one good quality play is all the budget will allow when there are so many people to account for (and I've learned that I'd rather pay for good seats to one play than bad seats for two). That said, in December, when I saw a deal for Symphony tickets for just $9, I snatched that right up, because cultural events were on my mind and I realized it was a great opportunity to get in some culture for a great price (and we didn't need great seats, as it was an auditory experience).
In addition to stage performances, I scheduled cheaper things, like one nice restaurant (of course nice is anything a step up from McDonalds)(we were supposed to do this in Jan, but when I was sitting at the dinner table a few nights before, and there was a lot of slurping and chomping and just general craziness, I decided we needed some more prep time, since the kids didn't know about it anyway, and prepping for something like that is kind of the point). I also found that a semi-local university's art museum offers a few free Saturdays just for kids, and they even provide a craft.
I also scheduled out days here and there at our "pass of the year." In general, we tend to do one pass a year and rotate that pass. Last year we did the Planetarium. If I didn't schedule it, I would sometimes forget for months at a time that I even had the pass (after I started writing it on the calendar, we went more regularly). This year we are doing the zoo. I budgeted enough to visit another museum or two on a one-off basis, like the science museum we visited last month.
In general I just tried to decide how often time and budget would allow us to visit places we wanted to go, then scheduled them in so we don't just get so into our daily rhythms that we miss out on something we really wanted to do. So far, its been good! I have one goal related to this I'm going to work on next month.
Whew! Clear as mud. Happy Valentines Day!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Basque Boy Eats
One of my goals for this month (when I've been home) is don't panic at dinnertime and buy pizza or feed the kids cereal or pancakes. Also, I had a goal to feed my family more vegetables.
(side note: I love the magazine Cooks Illustrated-- their recipes are delicious and no-fail. But time consuming. Some day I'll get back to that, but right now I'm focusing on simple meals so I have time for my little ones. Our family favorite is their grilled pizza, ha, ha-- see here)
I have a really nice garden, courtesy of my two Basque boys (explanation later)-- I'm ashamed to admit that last year a lot went to waste. But now I'm going to do better, right? I've realized that I have two big stumbling blocks in this regard: I often feel too harried to go out to the garden, pick the produce, and wash it off (so sad! I know!). And I don't trust myself to create something without a recipe.
Hence, I've been forcing myself to go out to the garden to pick or dig up what I need for dinner, and I've been trying to create things from scratch without a recipe.
I titled this post Basque Boy Eats in honor of my Basque father-in-law, who is an excellent cook. He never uses a recipe and he frequently creates succulent dishes (that the rest of us cannot ever seem to quite imitate). One day he sauteed some some fresh trout, tomatoes, and slices of lime (rind and all), then mixed it with rice and it was delicious.
I've tested my normally fearful culinary mettle several times this month, mostly with good results! I was lucky to have a friend here one day when I tried to make a vegetable soup-- she gave her input as to whether I ought to use chicken stock or water and helped snap the ends off the beans. Her encouragement helped me over that first hurdle, and the soup was really good! (it was simply chicken stock with fresh potatoes, string beans, cabbage, Swiss chard, garlic, and salt)
What is your favorite quick and healthy meal? Here is another of our favorites from long ago. :)
(FYI, more New York pics tomorrow)
Monday, March 11, 2013
Control Battles
I hinted at some two-year old type control battles that are starting to cause little hurricanes of dismay around here. As I try really hard not to laugh. Or cry.
A little light dawned on me today as I recognized one of my problems during my discipline month as well as the month following. Being a good disciplinarian does not mean one will have their kids perfectly under control at all times, it means having oneself in control (most of the time). After all, we cannot control our children, or any other human being for that matter, we can only control ourselves, and to an extent, the environment. So it would be unfair to expect everything to run smoothly just because I have set some reasonable rules, reasonable consequences, and even enforced them with reasonable consistency. And even if I could control my children, would I really want to? While my answer may feel a bit tentatively to outright blatantly "yes" on some days, it is really no. I don't. The ultimate goal of discipline is to help them learn self discipline. Are they going to learn to think for themselves if they are constantly told what to do? Will they learn self discipline if they are never allowed to make mistakes and learn from them?
So, it stands to reason, that no matter how good we are at consistently and patiently reinforcing reasonable rules, that there will still be moments of chaos, imperfect times when we will have to clean up messes or interrupt dinner or leave something undone (in fact, I'm realizing that to be effective I have to plan on such things). My kids will make mistakes, as will I. But if they feel free to make them, and they still feel loved, then they are free to learn from the consequences in ways that will help them mature into responsible adults. This also includes feeling free to voice concerns and express emotions that are sometimes unpleasant to parents, but are equally important in helping a child feel validated and "safe" and unconditionally loved.
Here is another little revelation about control: controlling parents invite more control battles from their kids. Because one of kids' most urgent innate desires is to have some sense of autonomy and control over his/her life, if they aren't given enough legitimate control, they will find other ways to show us we can't control them. Think bedtime dawdling, refusing to eat dinner, etc. Thus some of the very misbehavior we are trying to prevent by attempting to control our children is undermining that very effort. Only by providing them enough autonomy are we showing them "I trust you," and "you can handle this," "you are important," "you can make good decisions," reducing their need to show us they are in control through passive aggressive behaviors. When an adult in a child's life gets all whipped into a fury, the child, who may not be getting enough of his needs met for control (and positive attention, the other most basic need), gets an enormous dose of control. After all, they subconsciously think, if I can get a big powerful grown up to throw an adult tantrum, then I am in control, right?
So, one of the keys, as explained in Parenting With Love and Logic (Fay), is to give a child as many choices as possible that are both acceptable to the parents. Like "would you like to wear your green shirt or your red one?" or "would you like to set the table now or in 5 minutes?"
And, ultimately, our kids learn much more from what we do than what we say. So if we are examples of control and discipline, including setting boundaries for what we will not allow to impinge upon our boundaries (whining for example-- we can't control their whining, but we can limit its effect on us by asking the whiner to go to his/her room away from us), that sets the ultimate example in helping our children learn self control.
Some of these principles are so obvious its crazy, right? And yet, so easy to forget. I was reminded of these principles from some of the webinars I've done through Positive Parenting Solutions.
How do you step back and allow your child appropriate control? Do you ever have moments when you realize that something you were stubborn about really doesn't matter in the scheme of things? Any good experiences in letting go of control?
A little light dawned on me today as I recognized one of my problems during my discipline month as well as the month following. Being a good disciplinarian does not mean one will have their kids perfectly under control at all times, it means having oneself in control (most of the time). After all, we cannot control our children, or any other human being for that matter, we can only control ourselves, and to an extent, the environment. So it would be unfair to expect everything to run smoothly just because I have set some reasonable rules, reasonable consequences, and even enforced them with reasonable consistency. And even if I could control my children, would I really want to? While my answer may feel a bit tentatively to outright blatantly "yes" on some days, it is really no. I don't. The ultimate goal of discipline is to help them learn self discipline. Are they going to learn to think for themselves if they are constantly told what to do? Will they learn self discipline if they are never allowed to make mistakes and learn from them?
So, it stands to reason, that no matter how good we are at consistently and patiently reinforcing reasonable rules, that there will still be moments of chaos, imperfect times when we will have to clean up messes or interrupt dinner or leave something undone (in fact, I'm realizing that to be effective I have to plan on such things). My kids will make mistakes, as will I. But if they feel free to make them, and they still feel loved, then they are free to learn from the consequences in ways that will help them mature into responsible adults. This also includes feeling free to voice concerns and express emotions that are sometimes unpleasant to parents, but are equally important in helping a child feel validated and "safe" and unconditionally loved.
Here is another little revelation about control: controlling parents invite more control battles from their kids. Because one of kids' most urgent innate desires is to have some sense of autonomy and control over his/her life, if they aren't given enough legitimate control, they will find other ways to show us we can't control them. Think bedtime dawdling, refusing to eat dinner, etc. Thus some of the very misbehavior we are trying to prevent by attempting to control our children is undermining that very effort. Only by providing them enough autonomy are we showing them "I trust you," and "you can handle this," "you are important," "you can make good decisions," reducing their need to show us they are in control through passive aggressive behaviors. When an adult in a child's life gets all whipped into a fury, the child, who may not be getting enough of his needs met for control (and positive attention, the other most basic need), gets an enormous dose of control. After all, they subconsciously think, if I can get a big powerful grown up to throw an adult tantrum, then I am in control, right?
So, one of the keys, as explained in Parenting With Love and Logic (Fay), is to give a child as many choices as possible that are both acceptable to the parents. Like "would you like to wear your green shirt or your red one?" or "would you like to set the table now or in 5 minutes?"
And, ultimately, our kids learn much more from what we do than what we say. So if we are examples of control and discipline, including setting boundaries for what we will not allow to impinge upon our boundaries (whining for example-- we can't control their whining, but we can limit its effect on us by asking the whiner to go to his/her room away from us), that sets the ultimate example in helping our children learn self control.
Some of these principles are so obvious its crazy, right? And yet, so easy to forget. I was reminded of these principles from some of the webinars I've done through Positive Parenting Solutions.
How do you step back and allow your child appropriate control? Do you ever have moments when you realize that something you were stubborn about really doesn't matter in the scheme of things? Any good experiences in letting go of control?
Saturday, September 8, 2012
A Funny Little Girl Home with Mom
It's funny what I suddenly notice about my next child when the rest go off to school. I don't know if they just talk to me more or whether I'm just more aware of what that child is saying without the extra background noise, but I always especially enjoy that first week of getting-to-know-you all over again. (even though there's a little hole in my heart when the others are at school!)
This week:
"Mom, let's go outside and find a ball. Then let's play fetch."
I noticed at Costco she was making a back and forth motion with her arms while I was 20 feet away retrieving something off a shelf. As I was returning, a woman said "Protecting the cart, is that your job?" I realized she'd been saying-- "Clear out! clear out!" to anyone who neared the cart.
She shouted from a curb to a passing car in a strip mall-- "Speed LIMIT!" (I didn't even know she knew those words?)
She invited a friend over one day, and her friend was a little slow to arrive. She kept going out the front door and shouting her friend's name as if calling her would make her come more quickly. Eventually she swung out the front door and shouted "Aimee [fake name]! My name is Ava! You are my friend! You can come to my house now!"
When her friend came over they were super cute in their Rapunzel dresses. They told me they were pretending they were the same age. (They are the same age. )
Then they played "queen." Her friend told me "I'm the dead queen, and she's the alive queen. Dead queens can't walk." (she required a tonic of water poured from a plastic cup "squished" into her mouth by the alive queen while she lay extended, dead, on the couch, in order to be revived. When the queens requested a full cup of water for revival purposes, promising not to spill a "fulled up cup," lets just say their royal request was regretfully denied)
Check out this hilarious video where Ava teaches her friend how to drink like a princess from a juice pouch (is it just me or do they remind you of Anne and Diana?):
I took her and baby running with me. She was funny. At one point I had to run in a road that had a generous shoulder, but there were more cars than we are used to in our quiet corner of the woods. She wanted to get out and run (not happening on that day on that road) -- she gestured to the sidewalk and told me "I will try to not get smooshed."
Thinking about my project today and realizing that I have so enjoyed the extra quality time we've spent together. And I'm looking forward to getting more one-on-one time with the two little ones still at home. And thinking that I don't feel burned out, with all the extra things I've added in, but rather I feel envigorated and feel a new sense of purpose in my life. I've been enjoying new health from exercising (month 1) and eating better (month 4), which has made me feel so much more energetic and has helped me be a happier mom. So glad I'm back to making the most of time with them, soaking up these little years while they are mine. And the acts of service are going better too. I'll fill you in later. :)
Happy weekend!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Table Topics and Pink
This is a little random for today.
One of my loyal readers (ha,ha, my cute NY sister) sent me a gift that she thought would help my project. It has been awesome! I can't believe what stimulating and enlightening conversations we are now having at dinner. Each card has a question-- they are called "Table Topics." The questions are simple, but somebody did their homework because they work! One night I was really laughing about how heated (in a good way) the conversation was about what they like to do at recess. And practical for eating because the cards are protected from spaghetti fingers by a pretty clear box.
Speaking of acts of service, I've done my school shopping the last two years about a month after school and gotten some killer deals. Like some cute cotton shirts at GAP for $3 and $5. I always struggle finding P.E. shoes for my girls that are still feminine and cute, until I found these at a discount retailer for a great price.
My one well filler for last month, a splurge tube of NARS lipstick I read about on this cute girl's blog. I haven't bought lipstick for 3 years. So it's been fun and I even got a compliment today! This tube was MIA for a few days, until I found what looked like some shady marks on the walls and carpet in a few places. Luckily the lipstick did eventually turn up and wasn't as much worse for the wear as I thought it would be. :) And it came out of everything but the carpet.
The lipstick color is Roman Holiday. I love it! Just a touch of pink that feels updated without being crazy.
Happy weekend! Have any fall weekend plans? For us: soccer, a wedding, and some religion.
Monday, June 11, 2012
You Color My World
I woke up Saturday morning to a fussy baby. Which wouldn't normally be too bad, except that he was so miserable for two months and he had just gotten better. And I still hadn't recovered from our backyard tent expedition-- I had seven loads of laundry to do and a large pile of dishes. I spent the morning holding him and holding him some more, trying to be patient but dying inside thinking of all I needed to get done. I was hoping to take the kids to an island not far from our house and explore. I thought it would make for a great Saturday outing.
Then, while I was in the midst of crazy messy loud house and neutralized by baby power (I just can't sit and listen to my babies cry, usually), one of my kids said "Mom, Ava painted on the carpet!" Yes indeed, there was red and black and white paint in swaths and scribbles and dabs and blobs all over the basement carpet. More than anything, I felt like I did not have time to clean this out of the carpet. I actually did bite my tongue, then I did lecture a little, and I did sigh a lot. I didn't smile, either. And I felt like crying, but I didn't do that, either. She seemed penitent, standing there with cute small hands folded together in front of her cotton-pink-flower dress, be-smirched and be-smudged with stripes of red paint on her cheeks, arms, and cute toddler legs. Little brown eyes solemn with pause, waiting carefully to see what I would do.
I realized, then, too, that I'm a big part of the equation, too, having left paints within reach of children and not supervising my child. So, there we were, this time I felt I had to let the baby cry, and cling to me, and crawl through the paint and watery mess as I tried to clean it up. But, I kept my cool. After I had internally calmed down a little, I hugged her, genuinely hugged her, and told her I loved her and that I knew she was sorry. It was a real bonding moment-- I actually felt a huge surge of love for her in that moment, when just a few minutes before what I had been feeling was not exactly so warm and fuzzy. I did make her stay with me until it was cleaned up (I said she could sit in time-out or help me, she did a little of both), just to drive the lesson home so she will (I hope) remember next time not to do that. (me, too, great lesson: an ounce of prevention --in form of putting things out of reach and a little supervision-- is truly worth a pound of cure-- in this case two hours of clean up that still didn't totally remove the stain --these paints were not washable).
In the end, after some space from the moment, I realized that, even though I care about my carpet, it is just carpet. Just a thing, something I can't take with me. My little girl-- her little self esteem needs to last her a long time-- through dating and backbiting friends and rejection and failure and disappointment and loss. I thought of one of my favorite books-- Les Miserables-- and how when Jean Val jean stole one of the bishop's (of Digne) few remaining possessions-- his silver-- the bishop then gave him his candlesticks too. When his housekeeper sighed over the loss, branding valJean a "swine," he replied calmly: "To start with, was the silver really ours?" I need to remember that-- possessions, temporary, not really mine. Child-- this is forever. And often the greatest things we can teach are the things we don't say with our mouth. (Easy to say this now that I'm not on my knees scrubbing red and black paint anymore) And I am learning just as much, if not more, about being a better person from my little people and our challenges than I will ever teach them.
We didn't get to go out like we wanted to, trying to be flexible like I learned last month.
This quote from Les Miserbles by Victor Hugo: Don't forget, don't ever forget, that you promised me to use this silver to make an honest man of yourself.... Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil but to good. It is your soul that I am buying for you; I am taking it away from dark thoughts and from the spirit of perdition, and I am giving it to God. (from the translation by Julie Rose)
Then, while I was in the midst of crazy messy loud house and neutralized by baby power (I just can't sit and listen to my babies cry, usually), one of my kids said "Mom, Ava painted on the carpet!" Yes indeed, there was red and black and white paint in swaths and scribbles and dabs and blobs all over the basement carpet. More than anything, I felt like I did not have time to clean this out of the carpet. I actually did bite my tongue, then I did lecture a little, and I did sigh a lot. I didn't smile, either. And I felt like crying, but I didn't do that, either. She seemed penitent, standing there with cute small hands folded together in front of her cotton-pink-flower dress, be-smirched and be-smudged with stripes of red paint on her cheeks, arms, and cute toddler legs. Little brown eyes solemn with pause, waiting carefully to see what I would do.
I realized, then, too, that I'm a big part of the equation, too, having left paints within reach of children and not supervising my child. So, there we were, this time I felt I had to let the baby cry, and cling to me, and crawl through the paint and watery mess as I tried to clean it up. But, I kept my cool. After I had internally calmed down a little, I hugged her, genuinely hugged her, and told her I loved her and that I knew she was sorry. It was a real bonding moment-- I actually felt a huge surge of love for her in that moment, when just a few minutes before what I had been feeling was not exactly so warm and fuzzy. I did make her stay with me until it was cleaned up (I said she could sit in time-out or help me, she did a little of both), just to drive the lesson home so she will (I hope) remember next time not to do that. (me, too, great lesson: an ounce of prevention --in form of putting things out of reach and a little supervision-- is truly worth a pound of cure-- in this case two hours of clean up that still didn't totally remove the stain --these paints were not washable).
In the end, after some space from the moment, I realized that, even though I care about my carpet, it is just carpet. Just a thing, something I can't take with me. My little girl-- her little self esteem needs to last her a long time-- through dating and backbiting friends and rejection and failure and disappointment and loss. I thought of one of my favorite books-- Les Miserables-- and how when Jean Val jean stole one of the bishop's (of Digne) few remaining possessions-- his silver-- the bishop then gave him his candlesticks too. When his housekeeper sighed over the loss, branding valJean a "swine," he replied calmly: "To start with, was the silver really ours?" I need to remember that-- possessions, temporary, not really mine. Child-- this is forever. And often the greatest things we can teach are the things we don't say with our mouth. (Easy to say this now that I'm not on my knees scrubbing red and black paint anymore) And I am learning just as much, if not more, about being a better person from my little people and our challenges than I will ever teach them.
We didn't get to go out like we wanted to, trying to be flexible like I learned last month.
This quote from Les Miserbles by Victor Hugo: Don't forget, don't ever forget, that you promised me to use this silver to make an honest man of yourself.... Jean Valjean, my brother, you no longer belong to evil but to good. It is your soul that I am buying for you; I am taking it away from dark thoughts and from the spirit of perdition, and I am giving it to God. (from the translation by Julie Rose)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A Bowl of Puke-ish-ness and Some Life Lessons On the Kitchen Floor
My resolutions are going much better this month! I have been compiling a list of common misdeeds in this house and it turns out all I had to do was set out a notebook with a pencil and write down what happened to me over the subsequent few hours as things happened, and sha-bang, thar' she blows. (all while going about my regular tasks) It's really not amazing, if you think about it, that in a normal day I'd face pretty much all the discipline problems I face most days; list, not as hard as I thought.
Step two. I sat my kids down (I know I am supposed to sit myself down, too, I will get to it, eventually). We had a patched-together family home evening born of my newly pencil-scrawled list. One thing that is coming together in my brain as far as a yearly resolution, that has slowly taken shape, is that I really really want to do better at preparing for these once-a-week formal teaching moments, especially while my kids still see them as a treat and not a chore. But for this night, I had to think all of this up about 10 minutes before start time, while I listened to the muffled thud and shouts from an energetically improvised pajama-donning ceremony-turned-game upstairs. (my husband was gone)
Here is what I did. I grabbed two similar looking bowls. In one, I scooped some lovely chocolate ice cream. In the second, I mixed all sorts of edible items, that when mixed together, were sort of throw-up-ish. Tuna fish, vinegar, chocolate chips, baking soda (foamy reaction, oops, I forgot), blah, blah. Then, on top of the ice cream, I poured good old fashioned Cheerios, so none of the ice cream could be seen. On the second bowl of slimy yucky-ness I poured a nice sugary layer of Apple Jacks or something like that.
When the kids came in, we gathered as a wiggly little bunch around the dinner table. I asked them which bowl they would rather eat from. They could tell it was a trick question. Darn. Then I told them, now acting as their parent, I would advise them to eat the Cheerios. Then I gave them the choice-- and watched those little hands vie for spots in grabbing Cheerios and stuff them in breathlessly smiling-chatty mouths; pretty soon they discovered what was underneath. I let them grab a spoon and demolish the ice cream-- they were pretty excited about that. My six year-old kept prematurely announcing a punchline-- "and that is why Mom's fat." (thinking I was talking about healthy eating and using myself as the counterpoint, she said this several times, even to the point of coming over to show everyone how my belly jiggles)
Then I showed them the yucky stuff under the sugar cereal. And I explained that often something that is good for you in the long run requires more effort or sacrifice in the short run (like exercise or hard work), and that often things that provide instant gratification don't provide long-term happiness (like drugs). That parents often know what lies under those superficial layers, and when we ask them to do something, it is for their own good, and not just our own self gratification.
At this point everyone was getting wiggly, and one child took up a new family favorite post, on the floor near the heating vent, from whence was pouring some nice pillowy hot air. I gave up on the table idea and told everyone they were free to sit on the floor, to a clamor of delighted exclamations as they wasted no time in relocating to the warm spot in the kitchen. So we finished the lesson this way: they were all snuggled and jumbled together on the kitchen floor. I looked at them in the eyes and I told them how much I love them. I told them that it is hard for me to discipline them, because I don't like to do it. But that the life consequences for a lack of discipline now could be severe and long-lasting and distasteful, just like that bowl of tuna-smelly vomit-like stuff hiding under the Apple Jacks. And that our ultimate goal for them is self-discipline, we're just helping them get started.
I wanted them to understand as I get a little stricter with rules and enforcement, that I am on their team. That I am doing it out of love for them so they can have a happy life. They were surprisingly quiet and still. And even though my six year old was still confused as to how the lesson topic changed from Mom needs to lose a few pounds to this, I think they understood. I'm so glad that before I start being a better enforcer, they know I'm doing it because I love them. Even if they don't always like it.
I love these little guys. I love their innocence and their eagerness to learn, and their, just, genuine goodness. Even if it doesn't always translate to perfect behavior, their hearts are so big and loving and pure. I'm learning from them even more than anything I'll ever teach them. Even if they are completely honest about my jiggly belly and treat-eating ways.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Some Hard Workin' Notes
Thinking about my project today, it has stretched me, but I'm really happy with results so far. Here are just a few additional notes I'm taking as I try to teach my kids the value of work.
* Saving TV until 1pm each day has been really nice. I love the quieter morning with the sounds of kids playing together and not the guilty sound of the TV. :)
* Act energetic to feel energetic (I had been in a real energy rut)-- this actually works! (From "act the way I want to feel,"-- The Happiness Project by G. Rubin)
* Added an element to 1pm TV time-- if kids jobs aren't done by this time, they have one hour of quiet time in their rooms (not a punishment, but this way they're not tempted to watch TV, saves me a lot of mental/physical energy). So far, this has been a great incentive for them to hurry a little faster. If they miss this window, no TV that day (trying to prevent TV/computer time from stretching throughout the day as staggered kids finish jobs-- they always end up gravitating to whatever bro/sister are watching). I was worried that this would be hard for me-- sometimes TV is so nice when I want to get something done! But it has been fine and I have less guilt.
* I sat with the kiddos at breakfast one morning and introduced the "training program" a la The Parenting Breakthrough (Boyack gives kids a couple month's notice before training them in a job and after training it gets added to chore chart, this gives them time to process, watch you doing the job with no pressure). I thought they'd complain about this but they actually seemed excited to try some new things (who knew?). They asked for me to pull out the book so they could see the lists, and they wanted to write down some of the things on the list (ie, vacuum, make cakes, etc.). They were pretty cute about it. I was surprised. Who knew?
In conjunction with this I've tried to step back and let them do some things themselves that normally I wouldn't. The two oldest made pudding together today, after I showed them how to use the stove (only after making them take a vow they'll never use it when there is no adult present).
* Job jar-- I don't want jobs to be a punishment, since I want kids to value work. So I was hesitant to use the new job jar I'd created (has slips of papers with small jobs written on them). I have used it a little if I have had to ask someone more than twice to do something, or if I catch a child turning on the TV when it's not TV time, and it has helped a lot. I've been letting them choose two papers and then choose which one they'd rather do (same with "mystery motivators"). They seem to like this and it makes it a bit more palatable. Been referring to this jar as my energy re-filler-- any time they do something that takes energy from me (ie, if I have had to tell them multiple times to do something), they have to replace it (idea from Parenting With Love and Logic, jar idea from 71 Toes).
* Trying to be really firm about no friends or activities until jobs are done-- I thought I was already doing this but I must not have been as much as I thought. I've had to turn away friends (hard, but I have to remind myself, its out of love!-- I hope it will only take a few times). On this day, someones jobs weren't done when it was time to go have our fun day. I was mentally prepared to call a babysitter if need be, but the other kids helped her finish (another good thing to learn!).
Maybe all these things make me sound hard-nosed, but my actual problem is that I'm way too much of a softie! I tend to give in and bend rules and make exceptions all the time and it only adds to the chaos and doesn't help them because they don't have something consistent to stand on. Hoping consistency on my part will help them in the long run. :)
* Saving TV until 1pm each day has been really nice. I love the quieter morning with the sounds of kids playing together and not the guilty sound of the TV. :)
* Act energetic to feel energetic (I had been in a real energy rut)-- this actually works! (From "act the way I want to feel,"-- The Happiness Project by G. Rubin)
* Added an element to 1pm TV time-- if kids jobs aren't done by this time, they have one hour of quiet time in their rooms (not a punishment, but this way they're not tempted to watch TV, saves me a lot of mental/physical energy). So far, this has been a great incentive for them to hurry a little faster. If they miss this window, no TV that day (trying to prevent TV/computer time from stretching throughout the day as staggered kids finish jobs-- they always end up gravitating to whatever bro/sister are watching). I was worried that this would be hard for me-- sometimes TV is so nice when I want to get something done! But it has been fine and I have less guilt.
* I sat with the kiddos at breakfast one morning and introduced the "training program" a la The Parenting Breakthrough (Boyack gives kids a couple month's notice before training them in a job and after training it gets added to chore chart, this gives them time to process, watch you doing the job with no pressure). I thought they'd complain about this but they actually seemed excited to try some new things (who knew?). They asked for me to pull out the book so they could see the lists, and they wanted to write down some of the things on the list (ie, vacuum, make cakes, etc.). They were pretty cute about it. I was surprised. Who knew?
* Job jar-- I don't want jobs to be a punishment, since I want kids to value work. So I was hesitant to use the new job jar I'd created (has slips of papers with small jobs written on them). I have used it a little if I have had to ask someone more than twice to do something, or if I catch a child turning on the TV when it's not TV time, and it has helped a lot. I've been letting them choose two papers and then choose which one they'd rather do (same with "mystery motivators"). They seem to like this and it makes it a bit more palatable. Been referring to this jar as my energy re-filler-- any time they do something that takes energy from me (ie, if I have had to tell them multiple times to do something), they have to replace it (idea from Parenting With Love and Logic, jar idea from 71 Toes).
* Trying to be really firm about no friends or activities until jobs are done-- I thought I was already doing this but I must not have been as much as I thought. I've had to turn away friends (hard, but I have to remind myself, its out of love!-- I hope it will only take a few times). On this day, someones jobs weren't done when it was time to go have our fun day. I was mentally prepared to call a babysitter if need be, but the other kids helped her finish (another good thing to learn!).
Maybe all these things make me sound hard-nosed, but my actual problem is that I'm way too much of a softie! I tend to give in and bend rules and make exceptions all the time and it only adds to the chaos and doesn't help them because they don't have something consistent to stand on. Hoping consistency on my part will help them in the long run. :)
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