Month 9 Round-Up

So sorry, I had something fun planned for today but I cannot get it to work!  Darn, something to look forward to for another day.

So I'll just give you an old boring round-up for this month instead.  This month I worked on being a better disciplinarian.  It was kind of a joke (again you say?  I know I know).

I did make a list of all the discipline scenarios I see most days.  This was much easier than I thought.  All I had to do was set out a pen and paper for an afternoon and record the different challenges I faced as I went about my usual business.  I discovered that they are the same set of challenges I face pretty much every day!  Here is the list: turning on the TV before chores are done, doing something after being specifically told not to :), not getting off comptuer/TV when time is up, whining, not coming to dinner when I call (after, like 4 times!), eating foods intended for special occasions, poor manners, taking food out of the kitchen, not cleaning up after self, not getting chores done, reading after bed time, getting out of bed (sometimes quite a few times!), fighting over a toy or seat at the dinner table, screaming, hitting (little cute new tantrummer, I'm looking at you!), and ignoring basic personal hygiene.

I also made a rule list (only I'm not going to admit how late in the month I did it!).  Here it is, open to improvisation or improvement (I wanted it to be fairly simple, so even little kids can understand, and easily distilled into a few overarching principles, marked in bold...I also tried to frame things positively, though the very first rule isn't framed that way, just couldn't resist the Cars reference):

Here is a small sample of the list:

Respect  

For others and possessions.

No bitin’, no hittin’, no scratchin’, no takin’ toys, no spittin’, no screamin'.

Eat and keep food at the dinner table, please.  When you are finished, clear your things and a few more.

Show respect to others by using please, thank you, excuse me, and polite table manners.

Respect others, their homes, rules and possessions, too.

So, here is the sort of fail part.  I have learned how helplessly hopelessly I need to work on this.  Just being aware did not help in this case.  It made it worse, because seeing how badly we need a little discipline around here made me less patient.  So I tried to turn on the more authoritative me, and I stink at it.  I don't know how to do authoritative without being grouchy.  Or follow through more and be empathetic and loving about it.  The one exception is the tip I got from The Five Love Languages of Children-- to express love in some form when disciplining the child, ie, giving a hug on the way to a time-out, or saying "I love you."  That has become relatively easy for me, even when I'm angry, but I've been working on that for over a year now (I just don't put them in time out nearly enough, giving lots of chances in an increasingly distressed Mom voice).

So my month on trying to do better (and I know I'm just getting started, as the rules are just now being solidified) actually culminated, last night, in an ugly cross-the-line losin' it on my part in a dark, slushy Wal-Mart parking lot.  Yes, I lost it.  So lets just say this is something I will probably be working on until the day I die.

Happy happy weekend everyone!

How its Going and a Random Resolution Report

Lately I've been thinking I need to give an update-- I just wanted to let you know what is working and what isn't, so no one out there has a false impression of what really goes on around here. :)  This will be a good refresher if you're new here, too.

At the end of April, when my last of five babies turned one, I realized how quickly time was going and that I wanted to make the most of what is left with my kids before its gone.  So, inspired by the book the Happiness Project, I set out to work on some different parenting resolutions every month and then carry those forward.

Overall, I've noticed that after the hyper-excitedness of the resolution month is over, the enthusiasm I had for certain things wanes a bit, mostly because regular life takes over and it's not in the forefront of my mind anymore.   So, for example, one month this summer we focused on healthy eating.  I said that we went 2 weeks with pretty much only vegetables for dinner (my husband loves to garden, so it made it much easier).  I don't want anyone to think we have kept up that standard since then!  While we are eating healthier overall than we were before, including sticking to my goal of home lunches for the kids for an entire year (wahoo!  I can't believe we've done it!  But this was a concrete, specific goal, too, and those are easier, right?), we still have some crappy days.  My husband went out of town last week and lets just say: junk fest.

So here are some successes and failures that come to mind right off the bat:

*  Got up early and exercised pretty consistently for 6 months, as per my first month's resolution (the idea was that taking care of myself helps me to be a better mother, which it definitely did!).  I lost 10 pounds.  Then I gained it back after I got injured and sick and haven't been able to exercise.  Drat.  But it's about to get better.

*  One month I worked on teaching my kids how to work.  This included updating their job charts with chores they need to be doing according to the book The Parenting Breakthrough, including being trained on a job before they officially have to perform it.  The persistent problem in this arena (remember my brilliant movie tickets?  Um, I used those for one week.  Ouch.) is that my kids are motivated by TV/computer time, which they are only allowed on weekends, or friend time, which is hard on school days, so they rarely complete their jobs on school days.  But my oldest two do clean bathrooms, which is totally awesome!  One other bonus from this month was that I am much more conscious of when I do too much for them, and I see it in the context of disabling/hurting self-esteem, so I am trying to do better.

*  Talking positively to and around the kids.  I wish I could say I am always glowing with positive words toward the kids.  I wish.  I struggle with the dual-- don't overpraise (which can be damaging too), or just forgetting to praise and getting caught in the whole thick-of-the-moment "put on your shoes-come to dinner- don't put food on the baby" mode.  But one positive is that I catch myself (not perfect!) when I'm about to say something negative about one of the kids in front of them now.

*  Quality time.  This is one area I have stuck with-- giving the kids at least 1 hour of quality time each day.  Occasionally it has been less than quality, but we've done it.  And sometimes I've played catch-up, doing extra time some days, but I try not to do this because it throws life out of whack.  Lots and lots of good things have come as a result of this resolution!  And it's my favorite.  I would like to do more, but was trying not to burn out, so we'll see for the future if I can add more time.

*  A different month I worked on doing "acts of service" (I got the idea for some of these through Chapman/Campbell's The Five Love Languages of Children) for the kids, including putting on a happier face when I am asked for a drink or the like at a really inconvenient time.  This was another favorite month, as I saw all the millions of ordinary tasks I do as a way of showing love, and not just a drain on my energy. :)  Some of that attitude has continued, but not all the time.

*  Dating my husband- we started going out on dates every other week.  This lasted a few months.  In the last couple we've probably only gone out a couple of times.  But we're going to get back on track!

*  "F" stands for epic fail a couple of times this fall.  :)

* Mid-month goals:  most of my mid-month goals have not succeeded.  I don't know why.  One mid-month goal that went well for a while was my goal of limiting TV to an hour a day for the little ones.  I've been really bad the last couple of months with lots of illness making its rounds.  But going to get going again.

As for this month, it's going much better than last.  I'm working on being a more firm disciplinarian, since I tend to be about as firm as mush.  We talked about some rules together on a Monday night a few weeks ago, with the kids offering what they thought should be or what they thought represented current family rules.  A few of the things they said were funny, but they were mostly right on.  Later, on my own, I started my list, matching consequences to crimes, by trying to imagine real life consequences for behavior for adult behavior.  So, for example, if a person doesn't go to work in a real-life scenario, they may not have food to eat.  In the past, I've been reticent to try the idea I read about in Parenting with Love and Logic, the idea that parents tell kids they can come to dinner when "x" is picked up, for example.  But I've tried this a few times in the last couple of weeks and it has helped.  They hurry really fast to pick up toys or whatever when dinner is on the table and they are missing it.

Still, I'm noticing just how bad I am at this.  One of the biggest challenges for me, when it comes to discipline, is the dual- show empathy/steel yourself to be firm (I love this mother's advice to think of yourself as a "durable object" during a tantrum or the like) advice; these seem to contradict each other?  I have such a hard time being kind and firm at the same time, I find it easier to be one or the other.  Ideas?  (though I do use the advice from the Five Love Languages of Children, to speak a love language when putting them into time out, such as saying I love you or giving a hug, I'm just bad at getting to the time-out point to begin with!)

I have also had the idea to help the kids learn discipline through a more positive means.  I've been thinking that we need to work on one thing at a time, with a specific reward attached, whether it be time with a parent or earning something they want.  For example, I've talked before about helping my kids get up earlier and get started on their chores in the morning.  I'm just so bad at this, partly because I'm not very consistent right now (I blame still getting up multiple times at night!).  But if I try incorporating one new thing into the morning routine for each child, and providing a moderate incentive, who knows?

As I look back on this project so far, there is so much more good than bad, even with all my mistakes and shortcomings.  We have made some really great memories together (for 2012's highlights, see here).  It's been a really wonderful experience. Oh yeah, and blogging has been a good experience too-- it has given me a boost I really needed, provided a creative outlet, added accountability, helped me see all the positive things in my life, documented memories, helped combat the sometime sense of isolation that can go hand-in-hand with being a full-time mom today, and connected me to friends old and new (thanks for being so kind!).

Oh yeah, and as to getting in the picture, see this wonderful article that I can totally relate to!  Inch by inch we're getting better around here.

You've had enough of me for now.  I hope this was as clear as mud.  As usual, I welcome your sage advice and experiences!

A Bowl of Puke-ish-ness and Some Life Lessons On the Kitchen Floor

My resolutions are going much better this month!  I have been compiling a list of common misdeeds in this house and it turns out all I had to do was set out a notebook with a pencil and write down what happened to me over the subsequent few hours as things happened, and sha-bang, thar' she blows.  (all while going about my regular tasks)  It's really not amazing, if you think about it, that in a normal day I'd face pretty much all the discipline problems I face most days; list, not as hard as I thought.

Step two.  I sat my kids down (I know I am supposed to sit myself down, too, I will get to it, eventually).  We had a patched-together family home evening born of my newly pencil-scrawled list.  One thing that is coming together in my brain as far as a yearly resolution, that has slowly taken shape, is that I really really want to do better at preparing for these once-a-week formal teaching moments, especially while my kids still see them as a treat and not a chore.  But for this night, I had to think all of this up about 10 minutes before start time, while I listened to the muffled thud and shouts from an energetically improvised pajama-donning ceremony-turned-game upstairs.  (my husband was gone)

Here is what I did.  I grabbed two similar looking bowls.  In one, I scooped some lovely chocolate ice cream.  In the second, I mixed all sorts of edible items, that when mixed together, were sort of throw-up-ish.  Tuna fish, vinegar, chocolate chips, baking soda (foamy reaction, oops, I forgot), blah, blah.  Then, on top of the ice cream,  I poured good old fashioned Cheerios, so none of the ice cream could be seen.  On the second bowl of slimy yucky-ness I poured a nice sugary layer of Apple Jacks or something like that.

When the kids came in, we gathered as a wiggly little bunch around the dinner table.  I asked them which bowl they would rather eat from.   They could tell it was a trick question.  Darn.  Then I told them, now acting as their parent, I would advise them to eat the Cheerios.   Then I gave them the choice-- and watched those little hands vie for spots in grabbing Cheerios and stuff them in breathlessly smiling-chatty mouths; pretty soon they discovered what was underneath.  I let them grab a spoon and demolish the ice cream-- they were pretty excited about that.  My six year-old kept prematurely announcing a punchline-- "and that is why Mom's fat."  (thinking I was talking about healthy eating and using myself as the counterpoint, she said this several times, even to the point of coming over to show everyone how my belly jiggles)

Then I showed them the yucky stuff under the sugar cereal.  And I explained that often something that is good for you in the long run requires more effort or sacrifice in the short run (like exercise or hard work), and that often things that provide instant gratification don't provide long-term happiness (like drugs).  That parents often know what lies under those superficial layers, and when we ask them to do something, it is for their own good, and not just our own self gratification.  

At this point everyone was getting wiggly, and one child took up a new family favorite post, on the floor near the heating vent, from whence was pouring some nice pillowy hot air.  I gave up on the table idea and told everyone they were free to sit on the floor, to a clamor of delighted exclamations as they wasted no time in relocating to the warm spot in the kitchen.   So we finished the lesson this way:  they were all snuggled and jumbled together on the kitchen floor.  I looked at them in the eyes and I told them how much I love them.  I told them that it is hard for me to discipline them, because I don't like to do it.  But that the life consequences for a lack of discipline now could be severe and long-lasting and distasteful, just like that bowl of tuna-smelly vomit-like stuff hiding under the Apple Jacks.  And that our ultimate goal for them is self-discipline, we're just helping them get started.

I wanted them to understand as I get a little stricter with rules and enforcement, that I am on their team.  That I am doing it out of love for them so they can have a happy life.  They were surprisingly quiet and still.  And even though my six year old was still confused as to how the lesson topic changed from Mom needs to lose a few pounds to this, I think they understood.  I'm so glad that before I start being a better enforcer, they know I'm doing it because I love them.  Even if they don't always like it.

I love these little guys.  I love their innocence and their eagerness to learn, and their, just, genuine goodness.   Even if it doesn't always translate to perfect behavior, their hearts are so big and loving and pure.  I'm learning from them even more than anything I'll ever teach them.  Even if they are completely honest about my jiggly belly and treat-eating ways.

Month 9 Goals

Hello dear ones, I hope all of you are recovered or recovering from the holidays and on your way to a good 2013.  I'm getting these goals out a little late this month, but better late than never, right?  

Because I was totally ineffective last month, I am going to make last month's goals this month's.  If you recall, last month I was going to work on discipline (of course one of my problems last month was self- discipline: lol, my hubby and I became obsessed with the TV show LOST and stayed up late every night watching!  Bad timing-- such a busy, busy time of year!  I got sick, twice!  This is one reason I don't usually allow myself to watch a TV series, because I get sucked in and can't control myself).  It's good I've had an extra month to think about it, and to notice just how badly I need to work on this.  Remember all the glazed-over eyes around here or the mommy-deafness when I say something?  Making requests last month did help, but I have a long way to go in consistency and firmness.  I tend to feel sorry for so-and-so, which isn't a bad thing, and I want to be a kind mother above all else, which is a worthy goal, but I must remember that helping my kids develop discipline is a kind and loving thing to do!  And being firm and offering limits actually helps them feel loved.  Some kids will test limits for this very reason!   I have to remind myself of this.  (See the post script for a touching interview I listened to about a mom who gave her son an iPhone attached to 18 funny and serious rules, link here, parts of this moved me to tears, it's worth a read.)

Ok, so here is a recap from last month:

1)  This week, make a clear list of family rules that even the little ones can understand.  Post them somewhere.
2)  Sit my ole self down (I've meant to do this forever!) and think out our most common discipline scenarios and decide how I am going to handle them, including matching consequences to crimes.
3)  Force myself to be a little more authoritative (or if you're too authoritative, maybe you could work on being a little less rigid), while showing love in all the ways I have learned this year.
4)  Be as consistent in discipline and daily schedule as possible, even if it is inconvenient.  Prepare ahead mentally for unwanted contingencies if need be.
5)  Recommit to old goals, especially my TV goal (limiting TV to one hour for kids who are home during the day-- I've gotten way too lax on this lately!  I blame Bob the Builder!  Some cute things on this next week) and some of my personal health goals which definitely affect my parenting.
I have other over-arching year goals that I've been mulling over, just not quite ready yet.  I'll keep you updated.

Is there something that helps you be a loving but firm disciplinarian?  Do you have any discipline secrets for me?

Post Script:


I heard an interview on Talk of the Nation yesterday (here).  Guest Janell Burley Hoffman, on a list of 18 rules she gave her son when he received an iPhone for Christmas.  Some are funny, some are serious, some are informational.  I didn't realize that this list is controversial to some, though I think if one could take any parenting principle and dissect it it would be controversial, because we are all coming from such different places.  What I got from this interview: I was touched by Hoffman's courage in giving her son these rules.  I was impressed with the thought and time she spent teaching her son about responsible use of technology, instead of taking the easy way out.  And more than anything else, I sensed the love that wove itself through her words.  Because, lets face it, technology scares the be-geezees out of me.  I worry that at the least, that during this pivotal developmental period, my kids will be like Superman on Kryponite-- I worry that some tech can destroy them (though unlikely, this is a possibility), divert them, or distract them into oblivion, while some of the most important opportunities of their lives (even just looking out the window! or learning to actually talk to another human being!) parade past without realization. Her final rule moved me to tears: 

You will mess up.  I will take away your phone.  We will sit down and talk about it.  We will start over again.  You & I, we are always learning.  I am on your team.  We are in this together.

I think if there could be a short and sweet message from God, this would be it.  I am trusting you with some incredible super powers.  You will mess up, because you are learning, but we are on the same team.  I'm here to help you.  Because I've been there.

What are your thoughts on technology and kids?