Month 9 Round-Up

So sorry, I had something fun planned for today but I cannot get it to work!  Darn, something to look forward to for another day.

So I'll just give you an old boring round-up for this month instead.  This month I worked on being a better disciplinarian.  It was kind of a joke (again you say?  I know I know).

I did make a list of all the discipline scenarios I see most days.  This was much easier than I thought.  All I had to do was set out a pen and paper for an afternoon and record the different challenges I faced as I went about my usual business.  I discovered that they are the same set of challenges I face pretty much every day!  Here is the list: turning on the TV before chores are done, doing something after being specifically told not to :), not getting off comptuer/TV when time is up, whining, not coming to dinner when I call (after, like 4 times!), eating foods intended for special occasions, poor manners, taking food out of the kitchen, not cleaning up after self, not getting chores done, reading after bed time, getting out of bed (sometimes quite a few times!), fighting over a toy or seat at the dinner table, screaming, hitting (little cute new tantrummer, I'm looking at you!), and ignoring basic personal hygiene.

I also made a rule list (only I'm not going to admit how late in the month I did it!).  Here it is, open to improvisation or improvement (I wanted it to be fairly simple, so even little kids can understand, and easily distilled into a few overarching principles, marked in bold...I also tried to frame things positively, though the very first rule isn't framed that way, just couldn't resist the Cars reference):

Here is a small sample of the list:

Respect  

For others and possessions.

No bitin’, no hittin’, no scratchin’, no takin’ toys, no spittin’, no screamin'.

Eat and keep food at the dinner table, please.  When you are finished, clear your things and a few more.

Show respect to others by using please, thank you, excuse me, and polite table manners.

Respect others, their homes, rules and possessions, too.

So, here is the sort of fail part.  I have learned how helplessly hopelessly I need to work on this.  Just being aware did not help in this case.  It made it worse, because seeing how badly we need a little discipline around here made me less patient.  So I tried to turn on the more authoritative me, and I stink at it.  I don't know how to do authoritative without being grouchy.  Or follow through more and be empathetic and loving about it.  The one exception is the tip I got from The Five Love Languages of Children-- to express love in some form when disciplining the child, ie, giving a hug on the way to a time-out, or saying "I love you."  That has become relatively easy for me, even when I'm angry, but I've been working on that for over a year now (I just don't put them in time out nearly enough, giving lots of chances in an increasingly distressed Mom voice).

So my month on trying to do better (and I know I'm just getting started, as the rules are just now being solidified) actually culminated, last night, in an ugly cross-the-line losin' it on my part in a dark, slushy Wal-Mart parking lot.  Yes, I lost it.  So lets just say this is something I will probably be working on until the day I die.

Happy happy weekend everyone!

Month 9 Goals

Hello dear ones, I hope all of you are recovered or recovering from the holidays and on your way to a good 2013.  I'm getting these goals out a little late this month, but better late than never, right?  

Because I was totally ineffective last month, I am going to make last month's goals this month's.  If you recall, last month I was going to work on discipline (of course one of my problems last month was self- discipline: lol, my hubby and I became obsessed with the TV show LOST and stayed up late every night watching!  Bad timing-- such a busy, busy time of year!  I got sick, twice!  This is one reason I don't usually allow myself to watch a TV series, because I get sucked in and can't control myself).  It's good I've had an extra month to think about it, and to notice just how badly I need to work on this.  Remember all the glazed-over eyes around here or the mommy-deafness when I say something?  Making requests last month did help, but I have a long way to go in consistency and firmness.  I tend to feel sorry for so-and-so, which isn't a bad thing, and I want to be a kind mother above all else, which is a worthy goal, but I must remember that helping my kids develop discipline is a kind and loving thing to do!  And being firm and offering limits actually helps them feel loved.  Some kids will test limits for this very reason!   I have to remind myself of this.  (See the post script for a touching interview I listened to about a mom who gave her son an iPhone attached to 18 funny and serious rules, link here, parts of this moved me to tears, it's worth a read.)

Ok, so here is a recap from last month:

1)  This week, make a clear list of family rules that even the little ones can understand.  Post them somewhere.
2)  Sit my ole self down (I've meant to do this forever!) and think out our most common discipline scenarios and decide how I am going to handle them, including matching consequences to crimes.
3)  Force myself to be a little more authoritative (or if you're too authoritative, maybe you could work on being a little less rigid), while showing love in all the ways I have learned this year.
4)  Be as consistent in discipline and daily schedule as possible, even if it is inconvenient.  Prepare ahead mentally for unwanted contingencies if need be.
5)  Recommit to old goals, especially my TV goal (limiting TV to one hour for kids who are home during the day-- I've gotten way too lax on this lately!  I blame Bob the Builder!  Some cute things on this next week) and some of my personal health goals which definitely affect my parenting.
I have other over-arching year goals that I've been mulling over, just not quite ready yet.  I'll keep you updated.

Is there something that helps you be a loving but firm disciplinarian?  Do you have any discipline secrets for me?

Post Script:


I heard an interview on Talk of the Nation yesterday (here).  Guest Janell Burley Hoffman, on a list of 18 rules she gave her son when he received an iPhone for Christmas.  Some are funny, some are serious, some are informational.  I didn't realize that this list is controversial to some, though I think if one could take any parenting principle and dissect it it would be controversial, because we are all coming from such different places.  What I got from this interview: I was touched by Hoffman's courage in giving her son these rules.  I was impressed with the thought and time she spent teaching her son about responsible use of technology, instead of taking the easy way out.  And more than anything else, I sensed the love that wove itself through her words.  Because, lets face it, technology scares the be-geezees out of me.  I worry that at the least, that during this pivotal developmental period, my kids will be like Superman on Kryponite-- I worry that some tech can destroy them (though unlikely, this is a possibility), divert them, or distract them into oblivion, while some of the most important opportunities of their lives (even just looking out the window! or learning to actually talk to another human being!) parade past without realization. Her final rule moved me to tears: 

You will mess up.  I will take away your phone.  We will sit down and talk about it.  We will start over again.  You & I, we are always learning.  I am on your team.  We are in this together.

I think if there could be a short and sweet message from God, this would be it.  I am trusting you with some incredible super powers.  You will mess up, because you are learning, but we are on the same team.  I'm here to help you.  Because I've been there.

What are your thoughts on technology and kids?