Some Goals

(I had nothing to do with this ^^^.  Love the innocence of childhood and love the times when they help one another!)

Okay, so I haven't really talked about goals so far this month.

So here is what I've been working on and how it's going:

1 - Patience.  See end of post.

2 - Foster friendships.  I'm trying to do a better job at enabling my kids friendships.  It's just so easy to let them play at home, with each other.  And I often wait to have friends over until the house is clean, but the house is never clean!  And when it's really clean, the last thing I want is for my hard work to get undone quickly by a herd of happy friends.  So I've decided two things.  One, that I never cared whether my friend's houses were clean or dirty when I was a kid.  I cared about my friend.  I'm so glad their mothers didn't wait for a clean house, or I would have missed out on a lot of great memories.  So I'm going to swallow my pride and foster friendships regardless of the state of my house.  So far, this is going well, I think.  And part of this resolution has included car-pooling to soccer.  I'm surprised that I'm a little sad to let go of all the driving, just as I had started to find ways to enjoy it, like time to talk with the kids and listen to books together.  But my son needs some more friend time, so we switched to a team with a couple of his friends and have been carpooling.  It has been so nice, from a time perspective, and from a friend perspective.  Though I miss him and our bonding time with the other kids.

3 - Encourage exercise and outside time.  Learning about ADD has made me realize that exercise is a lifeline that I can't deny my kids.  (I think my own ADD was subconsciously causing me to keep them inside more often, because it's mentally hard for me to keep track of kids spread to kingdom come, and hard for me to round them up when the time comes)  So I've relaxed about letting them outside.  They have been biking around like crazy.  It's pretty cute.  The only sad thing, is that the littlest boy, who has an adventuresome spirit, runs away!  I can't tell you how many times I have had to run like the wind, Tonto, to catch him, and he can run fast (he bolts even faster when he sees me coming)!  He is not afraid to run away from home (four times while I was making dinner the other night!  I had to stop what I was doing and go chase him down, I'm sure my neighbors are having a good laugh).  So I have to lock the other kids out, to keep him in (he even learned how to get out through the garage!  I'm in trouble).  It makes me sad that he has to be stuck inside when I can't be out with him, but it's for his own good.  We have also been going on summer bike rides and went on a hike yesterday.  I love time like this together. (also: after a long injury, I have been tentatively exercising myself!  it feels SO good!)

4 - Get up-to-date work charts and rule lists.  I did a mini refresher on The Parenting Breakthrough (translation: I do way too much for my kids!) and made a list of the things my kids should be doing at their current ages and will be using as I update chore charts and move to a new system.  Will also be starting allowance!  We'll see how it goes.  I've also been trying to translate my new knowledge about ADD into routines/work charts, for example, piggybacking certain chores onto others, so they are easier to remember (ie, making bed right when you get out of it).  This is taking me much longer than expected.  I've let the kids veg out more than I should in an attempt to get it done.  Next year I'm doing it before school ends.  Oh yeah, and we're working on our summer bucket list.  You know what?  It was a little overwhelming to write down all the things my kids should be doing at their respective ages, but it was also exciting!  I am excited for them to learn some life time skills (and it will reduce my load, too).

Okay, on the patience thing, don't ask me why I saved this for last.  Just a little observation.  I used to think that patience was something someone either had or didn't have.  A quality, not a skill.  And while I do think that biology and nurture do make patience more difficult for some people than others, I now see it in a new light.  I think it is also a skill to be practiced, honed, and bettered.  And a habit to make or maintain.  I suffered from some moderate depression in the spring, as I found out about my diagnosis, and the possibility that several of my kids suffer from ADD as well.  As I've read more about it, I've found that post-diagnosis depression is very common (all the doomsday forecasting in the ADD books doesn't help!  you will become an alcoholic!  you will go to prison!  you will get in lots of car accidents!  your relationships will suffer!  on and on.  not exactly encouraging sometimes, though there are some rays in the clouds I'll relate when i get around to it!)  Back to the subject.  I was down, and I let myself get more snappish with the kids.  I am not normally like that.  But I let myself.  And let me tell you, it's not just a matter of telling yourself you are simply going back to the way things were before, there are now impatient habits that are hard to break!  So....just something to think about...patience is a habit.  It is also a skill we can practice and acquire, not just something we are or are not.

Happy Wednesday!

Family Night - Hard Work

This month I tried to think about how to help my kids really value work.  I thought back in my own life to an experience that changed my heart about the value of work.

I have pushed this part of my past aside often because I regret having spent so much time on sports.  I wish I'd spent it on something that lasted a little longer, like school. 

So my kids have rarely heard me talk about these experiences.  I dug out some old mementos I'd saved in dusty cardboard boxes that smelled of yellow paper and the past.

I gave them each one of these things to hold (my husband was working late). 

They were so cute, my little 3 wanted the "necklace," and promptly put it on, and others turned the papers or jar over in their hands with wondering looks.

I told them the story of a little girl who was once the worst player on her soccer team.  She was also the one panting the hardest at the back of the pack any time conditioning or longer distance running were done, resenting every minute of it.  Yes, it was me. 

Then one day, in high school, she read an article about a young cross country runner named Rosy Gardner (full article here), who worked so hard the football coaches at her high school often wished they could pour some of her energy and grit into their players.  She did two-a-days, her first one at 5:20 am each day, rain or shine.  At one point, a trainer had to practically physically carry her to get her feet looked at -- she had peeled off blood-encrusted socks (from blisters) in preparation to run (again) with her team that day (I admired this a lot at the time, ha ha).  Not only that, but Gardner was a pleasant, humble, well-liked student.

I was so inspired by this story as a young teenage athlete that I cut out the article and kept the front page pinned to my bedroom wall or bulletin board for several years.  It inspired me to work harder.  I improved so much in soccer that I went from the worst on my team to second-team all state.

In track, I tried to imitate Rosy by pulling two-a-days and doing gut wrenching work-outs, even in the rain or on holidays.  My senior year, I counted down the last 100 days with little white papers taped to my closet door to remind me of how little time I really had to prepare for the state championship.  Each day, I'd pull down a paper and write down what I did for training that day.  Then I put them in a jar.

When the Regional Championships came around, I toted my little Tang bottle with me to the meet for moral support.  If nothing else, I knew I had given my all.   I knew I was racing someone who ran two seconds better than my best time (that is a lot).  When we rounded the bend, 200 meters into our 300, I was ahead of her but she started to pull up as if to pass me.  I gritted my teeth, the days running in the rain, the times of sacrifice, alone in the early dark, practicing hurdles until I had bruises all over my knees-- all these flashed through my mind, and I hung tight.  Clearing that last hurdle took the last ounce of my strength.  I won by a tiny bit, beating my best time by two seconds.  That day, I stood on the stand in the "1" position for the first time.

More than that, I knew that no matter the outcome I had won, because I had bettered myself and done all I could do.  My proudest achievement was not to be known as the fastest runner, but as someone who wasn't trying in every way possible to cut corners, but as someone who gave her all.  (this is good to remember!  I can do it!  I can work hard!)

Here is a poem I wrote in high school about the overall experience:


The Road

Silently
the footsteps fall
on the wet pavement,
The snow
Beats a slow
Rhythm
On a veiled world,
The streetlight
Illuminates the quiet darkness
As the feet move
Slowly on.
Days turn into weeks,
Yet the slow footsteps
Continue through
The moods of the season,
Drawing strength from
Their silent pilgrimage.
The steps retreat for a moment
And record forever
The image of a blue-gold sky
And the snow
Falling
In the mountains.
I ran the road
Alone,
Expecting only
To conquer myself.
The work
And the sacrifice
And the moments of silent repose
Are mine
Forever.


My kids were strangely quiet as I related these events and had one of them read the poem.

I told them my wish for them would be not to do what I had done, by pouring their best efforts and energies into sports and competitiveness (though these have their place), but into school and service.   I told them that working hard would be one of the most important things they will ever learn.

Then we had a closing prayer.  My little nine year-old said a sweet, thoughtful prayer, and closed it with "and we're thankful that Mom is our mom."

Month 3, Part Two-- Teaching Work

This month I have some specific things we need to improve on.  I don't think we are bad at working, we just need to improve.  The kids have jobs and the thing I've found to be most successful at motivating them is no privileges (TV, computer, friends, etc) until their jobs are done.  I'm not consistent about some things, but this is one thing I'm consistent about, and it works really well.

I have used a binder system to track jobs in the past (I am not good at any kind of job chart that requires frequent maintenance on my part, such as stickers).   It worked well.  But now we use My Job Chart -- see my review here.  One of the nice things about My Job Chart is that it keeps track of how many "points" your child earns-- you don't have to.  The only time parental involvement needed is to add or change jobs, specify which rewards are available for your child to earn (there are custom fields for both of these, if you want them to have a job or reward not in My Job Chart's system, and you can decide if you want them to be able to earn toys or monetary-based rewards), and act when they redeem an award.

After reading The Parenting Breakthrough my Merrillee Boyack, here are some of the things she's inspired me to work on, as well as some of my own:

1)  Make a list of all the things I would like my kids to learn in order to be an independent adult (list things like wise investing, how to clean a toilet, how to change the oil in a car, etc), then make a plan, year by year, of the things they need to learn.  She has her own plan, according to age, which is really good.  There are definitely some things on her list that my kids are not doing. 

We already started this, and it was a wonderful experience for me and my husband.  What a great perspective giver.  We are going to hone it down a little in conjunction with a family motto and basic family rules, but we got a great start.

2)  Help my kids understand the value of work.   Making them work and actually helping them learn to value work are two different things.  (more of that becoming stuff I want-- if they actually value it, it will change their life, if not, its only a short-term fix)

Immediate plan:  I have a Family Night lesson all planned for tonight-- we'll see how it goes.  Obviously it will take a lot of times for this lesson to really sink in.  For tonight, I'm also going to introduce the "training plan" Boyack writes about-- giving my kids some notice before I train them in a new job.  (more later in the month)

3)  Help them learn how to be self-starters-- get up early, on their own, and get to work (dream on, right?).  I don't know how I'm going to do this yet, but I am determined to help them do it!

4)  Work hard myself.  I've been afraid to push myself too hard since I didn't sleep the first 10 months of baby's life, but its time to start.  Every parenting book I read says that kids need to see their parents showing the way rather than just spewing idle talk.

5)  Limit TV/computer.  We've gotten into some bad habits the last six months or so!  I'm going to limit my kiddos to 1 hour of screen time during the summer, limit TV to weekends during the school year for the big kids (1 hour per day during school year for little ones). 

6)  Accountability.  I'm going to actually check my kids jobs to make sure they are done.  Boyack suggests making a 3x5 card with the requirements for a particular job in detail-- ie, for bathroom it would include wipe mirrors, empty trash, wipe sinks, clean toilet, etc.

7)  Positive Rewards.  I made a jar with papers called "Mystery Motivators" (got the idea from a friend).  I learned in The Power of Positive Parenting (Latham) that intermittent reinforcement can be a powerful rewarding tool (periodically providing a reward-- this also works in the negative, if I let them get away with something once, they are likely to try many times to get away with it again).

8)  Work together.  I've wanted to work together as a family for ages, we just never do it.  Going to try something new this month, I'll let you know how it goes.

How do you teach your kids to work?  Any job chart ideas that work for you?  Boyack thinks varying the job charts is a great idea to keep things interesting.

This Month (3) (good)

It's month three, and this month I'm going to add some flexibility into my project. 

For the first week, I'm going to work on organization (surprise!) :).  I feel I need to be more specific with my resolutions from now on, since some of my more amorphous goals have gotten me into trouble in the past.  :)  Before I start my list, I'm going to pick up the book The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack, which has jobs broken down according to age group and tips on helping children learn how to work.

1)  Update my kids' job charts for the summer (we use this)
2)  Set some simple, concrete family goals and rules like this
3)  Finish my budget
4)  Review the schedule I made last month and start using it :)
5)  Go through the house with the kids and pull out things for a yard sale
6)  Review the Saturday cleaning list I made last month and start using it

After my week's worth of organizing, I'm going to take a small break from The Five Love Languages of Children to work with my kids on learning how to work.  This will be my well refiller for this month, too, as I focus on being more productive myself.

                                                     
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Here is some humor for today:

I just took a break from blogging because my six said "Mom, come, it's an emergency!"  Lets just say someone had an accident on the wood floor and was happily stomping up and down in her own puddle.

Yesterday the same girl told me "Mom, my tummy wants to watch another show."

Just now she was shouting angrily through a closed door at her sister: "I'm about to get very angry!"