About This Project & This Month's Recap

My kids surprised me yesterday.  I had to harness my inner drill sergeant at the very first (SO hard for me, I do not have a drill sergeant personality), but after a bit these kids were working together and actually enjoying it.  See the third picture?  Ten year-old was singing and whistling "Whistle While You Work," (see his lips?).   As I look back on this month, we had our tragedies and triumphs and maniacal laughs.  See below for a recap.

Just in case you're new here, here is a quick recap of my project so far.  I'm working on making the most of the next five years with my kids to give them the best next 50 and forever (just like the time value of money).  :)  I'm using this blog to track my progress and memorize those beautiful little moments each day as they pass. 

Another main purpose of this blog is to keep my perspective in focus-- remembering that I will some day be able to travel, have a hobby, use the bathroom alone, and have a clean house, but I can't come back and snuggle a chubby baby, read a story, or wipe little tears.  I have one shot at giving them a good life, and this is it.  My most viewed post is a poem about perspective-- here.  Or this one, just featured on BlogHer (to my total surprise!  I almost deleted it!).

Included in my project are collateral areas that affect my parenting, such as my relationship with my spouse and Heavenly Father, including keeping myself replenished so I have enough to give.  As inspired by Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, each month's resolutions carry over to the next month.

Each month, I hit a wall roughly a week into a new resolution.  It was a good experience to learn to lean on God more and ask for His help in overcoming my weaknesses and change my heart.   One of the other overarching things I've learned through each month is that if I focus on communicating love, the kids forgive my shortcomings and mistakes (there are lots, trust me). 

(If you scroll over to the top right, a gray box will appear. There is one marked "labels," that will lead you to different post topics.)

Month 1:

*  Worked on quality time with kids each day, twice a month dates with husband, exercise each morning, to name a few. See recap of month one here. 

Month 2:

*  Worked on speaking positively to and about my kids.  Still noticing how organization (or lack thereof!  mostly that!), cleanliness around the house, and a good night's rest aid or abet this goal.  :)   Recap, see here.

Month 3 (see goals here):

*  Took the first week and worked on organization-- made a set of goals and rules.  This was great at helping me see the big picture.  Updated my kid's job charts for the summer. 

*  For spouse-- worked on a budget.  Embarrassing, I noticed how much money I spent on eating out.  (it seemed like every other entry was "Little Caesar's!"-- guaranteed the other nights we were eating cereal for dinner)  Note a bit of foreshadowing here as I prepare for next month.  :)  I learned that more important than how much a couple makes is the different partner's attitudes toward money.  Found this website through Parent's Magazine, its called Find Your Money Mind ( here ).  It helps couples find out how they view money and facilitates communication with spouse/partner.  Very interesting!

*  For myself and the kids, I focused this month on Hard Work.  After nearly 12 years of being pregnant or nursing most the time, I was in a major energy rut.  Just the simple "act the way you want to feel," from The Happiness Project, helped a lot.  Acting energetic helped me feel energetic (not saying I'm great, but improved enough to be pleased about it).  Gretchen Rubin did a great write-up about improving energy levels on her blog yesterday-- see here.

*  I wanted to help my kids learn to really value work, and I gave a lesson on work one night, seemed like it really sunk in (see here); while it really helped me to remember the value of work it made no external life difference that I can see in my kids.  :) 

*  I read The Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Boyack.  This gave some inspiration and encouragement and guidance in the realm of teaching kids how to work.  I will have to pick this element up again in a few months.  I was worried my kids would complain when I told them about the new jobs and skills they would be learning in the next couple of months, and they totally surprised me by being mildly excited! (just a clue, I found the above mentioned book on my nine year old's bookcase by her bed...just a little light reading to make her sleepy)  Also, I stepped back and let them do more for themselves and they loved it! (a big "duh!" for me, I guess)

*  Made a schedule for myself-- biggest joke of all time!  I didn't even do it once!  Did I forget that this is summer?  And I have a baby?  I will try again in a few months.

*  We limited TV time to one hour at a specific time of day for the summer, if their chores aren't done they get an hour of quiet time in their rooms while the other kids watch.

They totally surprised me on this one!  I thought they'd cry and make a big fuss every day about the TV and they act like they've hardly even noticed!  I was hoping my new TV rule would help them work harder, faster in the morning (something my husband wants them to learn).  It only did about half the time.  Many other days they just played and played all morning with no concern over jobs.  Only one day were there some major tears over this, when I made them go to their rooms for quiet time when jobs weren't done.  (I also had to be a bit flexible on this-- went for a hike early so it wouldn't be too hot, so I extended time for them to do jobs when we got home)

It didn't help them learn how to work harder, faster, like I'd envisioned, but at least they were playing and not watching TV!  And this, coupled with some really fun outings this month...I think they are closer to each other than they've been in a while.  Just this morning, for example, they played "nation," by arranging tiny rocks and airsoft pellets into elaborate formations on the floor.

*  My two jars-- mystery motivators and extra jobs jar....well, these produced just okay results.

You're sick of me by now.  I'm sick of myself, too. 

I'm excited for next month!  We've definitely had our ups and downs but things are more up than down.  And I feel so much more fulfilled than I did before my project, and my kids seem happier.  There is an energy booster right there.

What are you doing this weekend?  Do you have any tips that have helped you teach your kids the value of work?  Or organization tips?

Some Hard Workin' Notes

Thinking about my project today, it has stretched me, but I'm really happy with results so far.  Here are just a few additional notes I'm taking as I try to teach my kids the value of work.

*   Saving TV until 1pm each day has been really nice.  I love the quieter morning with the sounds of kids playing together and not the guilty sound of the TV.  :)

*   Act energetic to feel energetic (I had been in a real energy rut)-- this actually works!  (From "act the way I want to feel,"-- The Happiness Project by G. Rubin)

*  Added an element to 1pm TV time-- if kids jobs aren't done by this time, they have one hour of quiet time in their rooms (not a punishment, but this way they're not tempted to watch TV, saves me a lot of mental/physical energy).  So far, this has been a great incentive for them to hurry a little faster.  If they miss this window, no TV that day (trying to prevent TV/computer time from stretching throughout the day as staggered kids finish jobs-- they always end up gravitating to whatever bro/sister are watching).  I was worried that this would be hard for me-- sometimes TV is so nice when I want to get something done!  But it has been fine and I have less guilt.

*  I sat with the kiddos at breakfast one morning and introduced the "training program" a la The Parenting Breakthrough (Boyack gives kids a couple month's notice before training them in a job and after training it gets added to chore chart, this gives them time to process, watch you doing the job with no pressure).  I thought they'd complain about this but they actually seemed excited to try some new things (who knew?).  They asked for me to pull out the book so they could see the lists, and they wanted to write down some of the things on the list (ie, vacuum, make cakes, etc.).  They were pretty cute about it.  I was surprised.  Who knew?

In conjunction with this I've tried to step back and let them do some things themselves that normally I wouldn't.  The two oldest made pudding together today, after I showed them how to use the stove (only after making them take a vow they'll never use it when there is no adult present).

*  Job jar-- I don't want jobs to be a punishment, since I want kids to value work.  So I was hesitant to use the new job jar I'd created (has slips of papers with small jobs written on them).  I have used it a little if I have had to ask someone more than twice to do something, or if I catch a child turning on the TV when it's not TV time, and it has helped a lot.  I've been letting them choose two papers and then choose which one they'd rather do (same with "mystery motivators").  They seem to like this and it makes it a bit more palatable.  Been referring to this jar as my energy re-filler-- any time they do something that takes energy from me (ie, if I have had to tell them multiple times to do something), they have to replace it (idea from Parenting With Love and Logic, jar idea from 71 Toes).

*  Trying to be really firm about no friends or activities until jobs are done-- I thought I was already doing this but I must not have been as much as I thought.  I've had to turn away friends (hard, but I have to remind myself, its out of love!-- I hope it will only take a few times).  On this day, someones jobs weren't done when it was time to go have our fun day.  I was mentally prepared to call a babysitter if need be, but the other kids helped her finish (another good thing to learn!).

Maybe all these things make me sound hard-nosed, but my actual problem is that I'm way too much of a softie!  I tend to give in and bend rules and make exceptions all the time and it only adds to the chaos and doesn't help them because they don't have something consistent to stand on.  Hoping consistency on my part will help them in the long run.  :)

Things I'm Learning About Teaching Kids Work

The sun was blazing down around a small group of parents gathered in the measly shade of a small tree.  I shielded my eyes from the sun as I watched another parent ask my son's new coach about a new training regimen.  I had an inner panic attack.  My son is getting old enough for "agility training?"  Part of me thought, he is getting older and I'm not ready-- I want to hang on to my little boy for a few more minutes, and another part of me thought-- I don't want my son to have to go through this.

Why was I panicking?  I had to wrestle with this little conflict inside me as we drove home in our blistering car, various little voices muted in the heat as I thought about my son and his future.

I thought about my urge to protect him-- an urge that started from the minute I discovered the tiny new life inside me.  No mercury-tainted seafood, no strenuous exercise, no soft cheese, no kayaking, no cough syrup.  :)  These sacrifices seemed relatively small as I considered protecting and nurturing this young, developing life.   Then as a tiny baby and later a growing child, protecting him from heat and cold and hunger, from anything that would harm his hearing, his development, his self-esteem?

Somehow I realized I've reached a point where the urge to protect him may not always serve either of us well.  If I shield him from anything bad that can happen to him (within reason, of course), then nothing good may ever happen to him, a la Nemo.   So instead of nurturing my protective instincts, or at least thinking them through before I use them, I need to suddenly change focus.  Because hard things make us better.  They prepare us for life.  They give us skills.  And self-esteem. 

In everything I've read recently about teaching kids work, it is emphasized that parents who do too much for their kids are actually crippling them.  And allowing them to have difficulties that they have to sort out helps them and gives them confidence, skills, and self esteem.  Giving them difficult tasks, it's hard.  I hate to watch mine struggle.  But I need to let go of that if I really love them-- love them by giving them learning experiences. 

In The Parenting Breakthrough, Boyack and her husband worked backward: they made a list of everything they wanted their kids to learn, then broke it up by year.  (they have a list of what they wanted their sons to do by age) 

For example, a few things a nine year-old should be able to do (taken directly from The Parenting Breakthrough):

mop a floor
clean pictures
bake cakes
bake cookies
fill car with gas
vacuum and wash a car

My ten year-old should be able to do laundry and mow the lawn.

(Here is a similar article with specifics by age.) 

I also found a religious article (not sure which religion, but it was helpful) that stated God commanded Adam to eat his "bread" by the "sweat of his brow."  No work, no eat.  Isn't that the way it works in the real world?  I thought about this-- in this case "bread" symbolizing money, and the article's author stating that children should not be given random money without work.  They need to learn the principle that things are a result of work, they don't just magically appear.

Another great article here, about why kids in this age don't work as hard as kids on the farm.  Her premise-- on the farm, if you don't work, you don't eat, because no crops are sown.  And on farms, families work together.

Here are some other articles I found interesting or useful.  This one is on the My Job Chart website-- great articles about teaching kids responsibility.  This one is good, too, about allowance and chores.  This one, called Helping Without Hovering, sums these thoughts up so beautifully and succinctly, I read it and cut it out of a magazine a while ago.  One more here about how "hard work trumps talent every time."  (I love the story of Harry Truman-- not college educated, yet one of the hardest workers I've ever heard of...he is one of my heroes for that reason alone)  I love the book Parenting with Love and Logic for teaching responsibility, which reiterates over and over that the younger a lesson is learned, the smaller a price one pays to learn it (ie, wasting money at age 7 has relatively small consequences, while wasting it at age 30 does).

I was reminded recently of this poem by William Ernest Henly called Invictus.  It inspired me during a hard time in my own life (here).

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


Henly couldn't have developed the resourcefulness, determination, strength, courage, and self-belief that oozes from this poem without having had difficult or hard experiences that helped him discover his true strength.  Qualities I want to help my kids develop.  And they're not going to get them sitting on a couch.  :)

Oh Brother!

On Saturday my son offered to help with the baby so I could get something done inside.  I looked out the window, and he was being so adorable with Emerson (the baby), I had to grab my camera.  Warm fuzzy moment seeing them together, so cute.  He has always been such a kind big brother.

(they were home with me because we had an outing planned and his jobs weren't done...I was tempted to give in and let him go, but I'm working on helping them learn how to work, so I need to be consistent for their sakes...I have to keep reminding myself this is out of love, because those mom insincts kick in to protect and make things great for the kids all the time, but I want them to be happy adults, not just happy kids.  Found some great sites that talk about work -- I'll share tomorrow)

I love how pictures can tell a story.

We got some kitties, and he was saying "kitty," almost as plain as day!  (replacing the first "k" with a "t")  :)

How the Hard Work's Workin'

The night was dark blue, bugs flitting around, our friends were lifting tired kids into their car, with only a yellow porch light, kids chattering, doors  clumping closed, and last goodbyes ringing through the warm summer night.  My two oldest decided right then was a good time to practice their maniacal laughs, which was making the rest of us laugh.

If I could do a good imitation, now would be a good time for a maniacal laugh.  It was a good week (a great week), but practically nothing went the way I envisioned (in good and bad ways).

The funny part was that we had a birthday, a holiday, and company here this week, so keeping to a schedule was not happening.

In other areas, things went well.  I started checking off my six year-old's jobs (part of accountability), and there was some push-back, but also a good opportunity for reinforcing lessons about how work will help her in her future life.  She was so cute-- huge hazel eyes so serious.  And there was more push-back later, and we talked about it some more. 

On day three, she actually got up and did all her jobs so quickly that I gave her a "mystery motivator" out of my jar (I was hoping after Mon's lesson they'd be jumping to work hard and earn one of these...it took a few days).  I read it to her and she just stood there, the smile melting from her face.  "That's it?" she asked me.  "Can I choose a different one?"  So much for the warm fuzzy moment I'd envisioned of her hugging me and thanking me for my great parenting. :)  I told her I'd give her the choice of two but she had to stick with one of those since the point was that they were a surprise.  She seemed a bit disappointed in the short run but later in the day she came to me and said "I want to help you!  I want to earn another one of those!" (this fizzled)  It also motivated the other kids to ask what they could do to get one (not happening either).  At least there is hope for next week.

On the TV goal (keeping TV to an hour), good results.  Until now, when a child finished his/her work, they could play computer/watch TV for their allotted time, but the bad thing was that then the TV time strung out over a long period of time as staggered kids finished jobs.  When one's jobs are not finished, they are tempted to watch what one of the other kids is watching and it requires a lot of policing on my part.  So I announced that we have a new TV time-- after lunch.  Again, a little push back, but they accepted it much easier than I thought they would.

When my six finished her jobs early the one day, I was worried about the TV thing, and it was hard for a minute, but we thought of some things to do and it ended up being a wonderful morning.  Quiet with no TV, kids went to play outside, did puzzles, and played together.  I think this is going to be good.

I got this off Craigslist for Christmas and its been in the basement, so we took it outside and they had a great time.

Family Night - Hard Work

This month I tried to think about how to help my kids really value work.  I thought back in my own life to an experience that changed my heart about the value of work.

I have pushed this part of my past aside often because I regret having spent so much time on sports.  I wish I'd spent it on something that lasted a little longer, like school. 

So my kids have rarely heard me talk about these experiences.  I dug out some old mementos I'd saved in dusty cardboard boxes that smelled of yellow paper and the past.

I gave them each one of these things to hold (my husband was working late). 

They were so cute, my little 3 wanted the "necklace," and promptly put it on, and others turned the papers or jar over in their hands with wondering looks.

I told them the story of a little girl who was once the worst player on her soccer team.  She was also the one panting the hardest at the back of the pack any time conditioning or longer distance running were done, resenting every minute of it.  Yes, it was me. 

Then one day, in high school, she read an article about a young cross country runner named Rosy Gardner (full article here), who worked so hard the football coaches at her high school often wished they could pour some of her energy and grit into their players.  She did two-a-days, her first one at 5:20 am each day, rain or shine.  At one point, a trainer had to practically physically carry her to get her feet looked at -- she had peeled off blood-encrusted socks (from blisters) in preparation to run (again) with her team that day (I admired this a lot at the time, ha ha).  Not only that, but Gardner was a pleasant, humble, well-liked student.

I was so inspired by this story as a young teenage athlete that I cut out the article and kept the front page pinned to my bedroom wall or bulletin board for several years.  It inspired me to work harder.  I improved so much in soccer that I went from the worst on my team to second-team all state.

In track, I tried to imitate Rosy by pulling two-a-days and doing gut wrenching work-outs, even in the rain or on holidays.  My senior year, I counted down the last 100 days with little white papers taped to my closet door to remind me of how little time I really had to prepare for the state championship.  Each day, I'd pull down a paper and write down what I did for training that day.  Then I put them in a jar.

When the Regional Championships came around, I toted my little Tang bottle with me to the meet for moral support.  If nothing else, I knew I had given my all.   I knew I was racing someone who ran two seconds better than my best time (that is a lot).  When we rounded the bend, 200 meters into our 300, I was ahead of her but she started to pull up as if to pass me.  I gritted my teeth, the days running in the rain, the times of sacrifice, alone in the early dark, practicing hurdles until I had bruises all over my knees-- all these flashed through my mind, and I hung tight.  Clearing that last hurdle took the last ounce of my strength.  I won by a tiny bit, beating my best time by two seconds.  That day, I stood on the stand in the "1" position for the first time.

More than that, I knew that no matter the outcome I had won, because I had bettered myself and done all I could do.  My proudest achievement was not to be known as the fastest runner, but as someone who wasn't trying in every way possible to cut corners, but as someone who gave her all.  (this is good to remember!  I can do it!  I can work hard!)

Here is a poem I wrote in high school about the overall experience:


The Road

Silently
the footsteps fall
on the wet pavement,
The snow
Beats a slow
Rhythm
On a veiled world,
The streetlight
Illuminates the quiet darkness
As the feet move
Slowly on.
Days turn into weeks,
Yet the slow footsteps
Continue through
The moods of the season,
Drawing strength from
Their silent pilgrimage.
The steps retreat for a moment
And record forever
The image of a blue-gold sky
And the snow
Falling
In the mountains.
I ran the road
Alone,
Expecting only
To conquer myself.
The work
And the sacrifice
And the moments of silent repose
Are mine
Forever.


My kids were strangely quiet as I related these events and had one of them read the poem.

I told them my wish for them would be not to do what I had done, by pouring their best efforts and energies into sports and competitiveness (though these have their place), but into school and service.   I told them that working hard would be one of the most important things they will ever learn.

Then we had a closing prayer.  My little nine year-old said a sweet, thoughtful prayer, and closed it with "and we're thankful that Mom is our mom."

Month 3, Part Two-- Teaching Work

This month I have some specific things we need to improve on.  I don't think we are bad at working, we just need to improve.  The kids have jobs and the thing I've found to be most successful at motivating them is no privileges (TV, computer, friends, etc) until their jobs are done.  I'm not consistent about some things, but this is one thing I'm consistent about, and it works really well.

I have used a binder system to track jobs in the past (I am not good at any kind of job chart that requires frequent maintenance on my part, such as stickers).   It worked well.  But now we use My Job Chart -- see my review here.  One of the nice things about My Job Chart is that it keeps track of how many "points" your child earns-- you don't have to.  The only time parental involvement needed is to add or change jobs, specify which rewards are available for your child to earn (there are custom fields for both of these, if you want them to have a job or reward not in My Job Chart's system, and you can decide if you want them to be able to earn toys or monetary-based rewards), and act when they redeem an award.

After reading The Parenting Breakthrough my Merrillee Boyack, here are some of the things she's inspired me to work on, as well as some of my own:

1)  Make a list of all the things I would like my kids to learn in order to be an independent adult (list things like wise investing, how to clean a toilet, how to change the oil in a car, etc), then make a plan, year by year, of the things they need to learn.  She has her own plan, according to age, which is really good.  There are definitely some things on her list that my kids are not doing. 

We already started this, and it was a wonderful experience for me and my husband.  What a great perspective giver.  We are going to hone it down a little in conjunction with a family motto and basic family rules, but we got a great start.

2)  Help my kids understand the value of work.   Making them work and actually helping them learn to value work are two different things.  (more of that becoming stuff I want-- if they actually value it, it will change their life, if not, its only a short-term fix)

Immediate plan:  I have a Family Night lesson all planned for tonight-- we'll see how it goes.  Obviously it will take a lot of times for this lesson to really sink in.  For tonight, I'm also going to introduce the "training plan" Boyack writes about-- giving my kids some notice before I train them in a new job.  (more later in the month)

3)  Help them learn how to be self-starters-- get up early, on their own, and get to work (dream on, right?).  I don't know how I'm going to do this yet, but I am determined to help them do it!

4)  Work hard myself.  I've been afraid to push myself too hard since I didn't sleep the first 10 months of baby's life, but its time to start.  Every parenting book I read says that kids need to see their parents showing the way rather than just spewing idle talk.

5)  Limit TV/computer.  We've gotten into some bad habits the last six months or so!  I'm going to limit my kiddos to 1 hour of screen time during the summer, limit TV to weekends during the school year for the big kids (1 hour per day during school year for little ones). 

6)  Accountability.  I'm going to actually check my kids jobs to make sure they are done.  Boyack suggests making a 3x5 card with the requirements for a particular job in detail-- ie, for bathroom it would include wipe mirrors, empty trash, wipe sinks, clean toilet, etc.

7)  Positive Rewards.  I made a jar with papers called "Mystery Motivators" (got the idea from a friend).  I learned in The Power of Positive Parenting (Latham) that intermittent reinforcement can be a powerful rewarding tool (periodically providing a reward-- this also works in the negative, if I let them get away with something once, they are likely to try many times to get away with it again).

8)  Work together.  I've wanted to work together as a family for ages, we just never do it.  Going to try something new this month, I'll let you know how it goes.

How do you teach your kids to work?  Any job chart ideas that work for you?  Boyack thinks varying the job charts is a great idea to keep things interesting.