Growing Up

We went to the library with football commands:  10 minutes, two books, everybody go!  After a little scramble for spots in aisles, pretty soon each child was immersed in something.  I searched the dark, musty stacks for Fahrenheit 451 while everyone was occupied for a minute.  The baby was wearing his blue shorts and a tight shirt with little brown monkeys on it.   After a few minutes of patience with his perusing mama, he wanted down.  I let him down, and he was gleeful-- toddling around on little stubby legs with the happiest of expressions and squeals  (sorry patrons!).  I had a twinge moment-- my baby is growing up!  He has been walking a few steps here and there, but this is the first time he teetered around without crawling at all.  Baby walking.  His face so happy.  I wanted to laugh and cry all at once.

More Notes on Positive Words

Some more things I'm learning about using positive language with children:

1) Use words to communicate unconditional love - my children must feel my love for them has nothing to do with their behavior, but for who they are..this may be hard when child is "acting up" but is even more necessary in these moments.

2) Yet...Praise effort. If my kids are only praised for results, especially if results are average, they will be afraid to try for more because they are afraid to lose their "spot."

3) Show empathy when a child is experiencing a consequence. This is hard because the child in us wants to say "I told you so," lecture him/her about choices, etc. But this only alienates the child and keeps them from drawing their own conclusions, cutting out a growing opportunity and closing off communication with parents later, because the child feels he/she will be lectured by the parent.

4) For me personally, lack of consistent rules hurts my positivity because my kids never know when I'm serious or not, and when I am serious, it takes extra verbal/mental effort to motivate them, which leads to frustration, which makes it hard to keep cool and use kind words (I'm going to work on discipline a different month)

Some parts of this resolution have been much harder for me than I anticipated. We had another night of sleeping in the tent before we put it away, and it was really sweet, snuggling and reading stories and singing songs before there wasn't any more light (my husband chose a good night's rest in lieu of the tent). (my three asked me to sing "Rainbow Dash In My Sight"-- I guess she made that up? ha ha.)

In the morning, with books to read still in the tent, it was hard motivating some kiddos to get up and help clean up. I caught myself about to say "No reading until we're picked up," (which of course isn't bad, it could just be phrased better!) and instead said "You can read when we're all picked up." For every time I remember and adjust my speech to be more positive, there are a few failures, especially in times of duress.

A Good Break

School is out.  I'll admit I had a little trepidation about the change in schedule beforehand, but it has been so nice.  We've spent the last couple of days sequestered together with no where to go and nothing formal to do.  Its been so nice just being together after a busy year.  I'm working on planning some summer activities and making a summer routine, as I'm learning that positive speaking on my part hinges partially on how smoothly things function around here.  I'm also working on some awards I saw on this blog (71 Toes) to try positive (free) rewards for good behavior, both things I want them to work on and things they choose to work on (so I can encourage their goals, not just my goals for them).  One of the things I love about these rewards is it encourages the kids to praise their siblings, too, as each week the family discusses the awards together.

Some highlights of the last two days:  shelling fresh peas from our garden, the afternoon light shining through empty emerald-piled husks, reading a heap of stories just because we can, watching the National Spelling Bee with homemade popcorn, and snuggling up with my three year old in a tent in our backyard, watching my six year-old hold a blanket to her nose like when she was a baby, me wondering where the time has gone; the lights from the house glowing faintly through thin khaki tent fabric as we listened to frogs, a pasture sprinkler, quieting neighborhood sounds, and sleepy chat drift off in bleary yawns.

Right Now

I'm so in love with this little boy.

A Perfect Day

I had an epiphany yesterday about what perfection is and what it isn't.

I'm continuously trying to juggle many things.  Sometimes, there are multiples items or people that need my attention right now. 

I used to think perfection, as in everything being perfect all at once-- every one's hair combed, a clean house, delicious healthy dinners, volunteer work, children who've had plenty of quality time playing together like little angels -- was possible.   Then I heard this guy talk about balance, how if we're doing one thing we can't possibly being doing another at the same time (not to say we can't be efficient multi-taskers, but there is still only so much we can do at once).  Which means if I'm out on the golf course perfecting my golf swing, I can't simultaneously be home cleaning and cooking the perfect meal.

Perfection is really...balance; the meaning of balance changing as our circumstances and abilities do.  It's knowing what to prioritize and focus on, sometimes from moment to moment. 

My perfect day today included going to school with no make-up, a shirt with a toothpaste spot on it, and a cute monarch butterfly princess with a tangled mess of blond hair so we could get those teachers their thank you gifts before it was too late; leaving my blog to tidy up before the kids got home; choosing to sit with my son and chat about his day when he said "come on Mom, lets talk about petty things," (he wants to buy a pet) while he enjoyed some last-day-of-school ice cream (I wanted to make cookies, but you know how that turned out) ; choosing to change, feed, and change and feed again--my baby who had woken up unexpectedly; choosing to let everyone entertain themselves for a few minutes while I blogged. 

...Choosing to pull together some leftovers for dinner and tidy up the kitchen before my husband got home; spending a few minutes going through papers my kids brought home from school.  Choosing to leave my dishes so I could snuggle up with my three and six year-old and read stories in jammas.  Stepping over my pile of laundry to rock and sing to my baby, then gaze in wonder at my perfect sleeping creation.  Then coming back to the laundry and dishes for a few minutes, spending a few with my husband, and then off to bed so I can have enough energy for tomorrow. 

If you looked at my life from the outside, you'd see all sorts of imperfect things:  you would have seen a mom with no make-up and a faded shirt with an uncombed child at the school, Miracle Gro waiting on my porch for the third day in a row, toys scattered about, fingerprints on the windows.  But just because it may not look perfect all the time, doesn't mean I didn't do what my perfect was that day.  I wish I could have it all, but the reality is, I have to choose, many times between lots of good things.  And I want to focus on the things that last-- the ones that will make a real difference to my little people and my husband.  Some days that will mean choosing the laundry or the dishes in order to keep balance. But most days, I want to make sure I'm putting first things first: God, husband, kids.  It may not always be pretty, but it can be perfect.  My kind of perfect.

Some links:  Balance and Good, Better, Best

Family Night - Positive Words

I've been loving all I've learned about speaking positively and simultaneously wanting to share some of it with our family.  I feel if we change the way we speak to one another it could potentially revolutionize our whole way of life in a good way (we aren't bad in the way we speak to each other, we do fine, but we can always do better, right?). 

Every Monday night we have a family night.  Some days are better than others and our kids are little enough that lessons need to be short and sweet.  We talked about positive speaking-- I used stories from the examples in this post.  Even though the kids were wiggly and distracted at times I think they enjoyed it.   The best part was telling each other what we like about each other.  We're making these (above, an example of something my son made for me for Mother's Day) today so each child can be reminded of what we think is special about him/her and so we have positive words in reservoir for reminding when we need something nice to say.  :)

Well Filling

Night was falling, and in that sweet blue-ish haze, the moon was clear and bright; I was driving in my little car with the windows down as people switched on the glow of electric lights that diffused golden stars through the twilit night.  Frank Sinatra was singing to a brass band "Fly Me to the Moon."  I had chosen to leave my kids home with my husband while I ran to the store for a few minutes; it refreshed me and reminded me of the list I'd started about things that fill my well, things that keep it full so I can keep trying each day to be a better parent.  Some of the things on my list surprised me:

1.  Time alone
2.  Volunteering at the school
3.  Travel
4.  Exercise
5.  Spending quality time with my kids
6.  Dates with husband
7.  Reading a good book
8.  Blogging
9.  Nostalgia of old pictures/videos
10. Feeling pretty
11.  Being in remote natural places like the mountains or the beach
12.  Playing games late at night with extended family....we love Wildlife Adventure :)
13.  Laughing (see here)...I get a huge lift from listening to Car Talk on NPR just because the guys are so fun, and not because I'm that interested in cars.
14.  Time with friends
15.  Organizing something
16.  Cleaning or cooking can be enjoyable if the circumstances are right
17.  Having a clean house
18.  Any humanitarian work or service
19.  I just learned that I love being involved at the caucus level in politics!  Feel like John Adams for a day while still being a mom the rest of the time. 
20.  Listening to/reading great journalism.  (ie, Wall Street Journal)
21.  Going to church & having a close relationship with God.
22.  Building and using talents-- music is a big one for me

The reason I'm surprised by some of these is that I typically think of well-re-fillers as requiring little work or giving me time away from my responsibilities, but I've noticed that doing meaningful things, like service or time with the kids, actually gives me a huge jolt of happiness and the motivation to be better (if done with balance). 

As part of my project this month I'm working on getting more organized so I can clear the way for some of the more fun things on my list.  I've noticed that organization plays a big part in how positive I can be with my kids: on crazy days or in chaotic moments its much harder to be patient and kind.

What unexpected thing fills your well?