For one thing, we were both super sick the week I was supposed to be doing that. And for another, this ole' heart just ain't ready for it. I'm ready to get some sleep, but I'm just not quite ready to let go! What is my problem?!?
I did take a sleep training course recently. It was good. I thought I'd share what I learned, even if I'm not practicing it quite yet. The course was taken from Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber. I read this book back in the dinosaur ages. It helped me help my other kids sleep through the night. I realized that while I'm not quite ready to help my little one do this, maybe there are some new parents out there who are looking for sleep solutions for their little ones like I was when I was a new mom.
For me, the ideal time to start trying to sleep train my babies was around five to six months. They learn pretty quickly at this age, and they still can't pull up (ah, those poor babies who can pull up can't quite seem to figure out how to let themselves back down, though they do when they are tired enough. they are definitely sleep train-able, but it's a tiny bit harder), and, by this age, they should be getting enough calories during the day to last them through the night.
Below I've outlined the technique which has been very effective in getting my other kids to sleep through the night. The question to ask yourself is: am I a worse mother during the day because I don't sleep at night? Is my child's learning or growth or mood affected because he or she is not sleeping well? Does lack of sleep pose any safety risks for me or my child? When one of my babies was a newborn, she was getting up four times a night and was awake at least an hour for one of those. She would cry if I wasn't walking around with her. She was a great baby during the day, but I was so zombie-like that I was not effective during the day, and it all really hit home one day when I nearly got in an auto accident because I was so sleepy. In short, it was a problem. I realized I would be doing us both a big favor by helping her learn to sleep through the night.
When my oldest child was a baby, I tried letting him cry it out cold turkey. It was super hard. It didn't work very well, and I wasn't very consistent (part of the problem). I was fraught with anxiety over by baby's crying (as was my husband, in a different way).
Here is what I learned with subsequent babies.
1. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page before doing any sleep training. If you are not, it's probably not going to work. (And if you are not, I have had to give my husband an ultimatum before-- I know you don't like the crying, but I'm exhausted, so if you don't think you will be able to sleep on "x" nights while I let baby cry, then there is a couch downstairs. Lol.)
2. Make sure you are mentally and physically prepared before doing sleep training. And make sure baby isn't sick or going through any major upheavals like a move or cutting his first molars.
3. Make sure baby's bed is safe-- follow current guidelines on crib bumpers, stuffed toys, pillows, proper mattress placement, crib safety, etc. This will give you peace of mind during those heart wrenching crying spells (you can do it! and baby can do it! don't let this scare you! you'll both be fine), since you will be feeling plenty of other anxiety for a few nights.
4. Plan on sleep training taking anywhere from 2 nights to a week. (some of my babies had it down in 2 nights! so hope for the best, plan for... a little more)
5. Make sure your child is well-fed and changed before hand, and his or her room at a comfortable temp. I try to think ahead at this point. Since the child will most likely end up out of her covers, are her PJ's warm enough to allow her to sleep without a blanket (and it will undermine the program if you have to sneak in and cover her up)?
6. Put your child to bed at the time he normally falls asleep, after a consistent bedtime routine (with plenty of time to unwind, say 30 min).
7. All the things I've ever read say to put the child to bed sleepy but awake. No sleep crutches like rocking to sleep, lying with them till they are asleep, or nursing them to sleep. This is because the circumstances that help them fall asleep, they turn to in the middle of the night to help them fall asleep again (since we all wake multiple times at night, we just don't often remember). Therefore, if they are always rocked to sleep then they will wake and want to be rocked. Ferber likens this to an adult waking up and finding his pillow missing. He would find it difficult to fall asleep until the pillow was located. That said, I have still nursed my young babies to sleep. I can't bring myself to wake them up. And its no biggie. I have still sleep-trained them just fine.
8. When the baby starts to cry, whether that is at the initial point of putting her down or later in the night, wait five minutes, then go in and reassure her. I like to lay the child back down, put the blanket back on, smooth her hair, pat her, and tell her that she is going to be okay, with loving and reassuring eye contact (even if you are all torn up inside!). After 30 seconds or so, I leave the room.
9. Gradually increase the time between visits from a parent (one parent per night, however you want to do it, just keep the same person for a whole night at a time). So after an initial visit of 5 minutes, you could go back in ten, then fifteen, then twenty. If the child sounds like he is almost asleep, I wait and see (and don't go in), even if it is about time for me to go in again. If I go in when the child is starting to self-settle, it just re-starts the crying all over again. Usually this is a sign the child is about to go to sleep.
10. Repeat this for every night waking for as many nights as it takes to sleep train (a video I watched suggested gradually decreasing the wait times for subsequent nights). If the child still isn't sleeping after a week, it might be worth a trip to the doctor to rule out other possibilities.
11. White noise. Sometimes its helpful to have a fan or close your bedroom door (I don't like to completely close the child's door, as I don't want to scare him/her), or something else to block the sound of the crying. The sound just makes you anxious, and the more edgy you feel the more likely you are to break the rules, which doesn't help the child. It is very important to be consistent. (I also found it easier for me if my husband could sleep. If I was feeling anxious that he was not sleeping, I was more tempted not to follow through)
12. If the child throws up, or needs a diaper change, then do it quietly without fanfare in the dark, and put the child back to bed.
13. If the child shares a room with a sibling, no worries. The sibling will probably sleep through it all (mine did! Its crazy!). If they don't, consider letting the sibling sleep in a different room for a few nights.
14. After your child is sleep trained, if he suddenly starts waking again, do the same thing. Check them at alternating intervals (its nice to make sure nothing is wrong, like an illness). The hard work is over at this point, and the crying should only last a very short time.
I found this method to work like a charm for all of my kids when they were under the age of 18 months. One of my babies only cried for 15 minutes for two nights, then slept through the night after that (this was my four times a night child!). One of the keys is not to get all stressed out and anxious and either break the rules or give up early. I like this method so much better than cold turkey because it allowed me to check on my child, who I worry about (what if she is poopy? or hurt? or...something?), and it helps reassure both of us that she will be okay. It's like I'm saying, I'm still here, and you are okay and are going to be okay. And the child will be just fine! In a week she will seem to have forgotten all about it, and you will be happy, functional, and so will she.
For older kids that can climb out of a crib or a bed, McCready (of Positive Parenting Solutions) suggests installing a gate in the door way and treating it the same as if it were a crib. (and if the child can climb over one gate, she suggests installing two gates, one on top of the other)
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FYI, we had our initial meeting about our new morning routine, and it went really well. It really helped to have both of us talk with the kids about it. Even though we still have to do our practice rounds, the kids have already been getting up earlier and getting chores done. I"ll let you know how it goes!
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