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Well, I guess I'm back from crazy land today.  I'm sorry.  I truly lost it yesterday.  I was indeed crying my guts out while I wrote that post.  I'm kind of embarrassed.  It was cathartic to let it all out, but I tucked the post away for a minute because its a little raw and tender, like a good fat blessed bleeding steak cut fresh off the cow. :)  Maybe I'll put it back up later, when I can laugh about it.  (and you know, it's funny?  I wouldn't change a thing about my life, even all the hard things I've been through.  And I am so glad my parents believed in me so much as a child--and still do--and never wanted me to feel stygmatized or that I couldn't do something I set my mind to.  They are angels and I owe most of what is good in my life to them.)

Thanks for your support everyone, it's been a tough month for me.

Last night I went to listen to a woman speak about becoming a quadriplegic.   Nothing like a little perspective.  Here is a poem she read:

THE WEAVER
________________________________
Written by B.M. Franklin (1882-1965)

My life is just a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaves so skillfully.

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why-

The dark threads are as needful,
In The Weaver’s skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

When life is its toughest, I have always turned to God for support and he has never let me down, even though he hasn't ever been the cause of my problem.  I have to admit I was a little angry at him over a couple of things, so I needed a reminder that I cannot do this alone and it is foolish to be angry with my best friend, cheerleader, and helper. :)

The thing that stood out to me  most in her talk was the strong impression that I got about helping others.  For me, it has always been the strongest antidote to sorrow.  Its nearly impossible to feel badly about my own troubles when I'm helping someone else with theirs.  And that is something that has been missing in my life lately, minus the daily little things I do for the kids.  Its funny, that at the same time this came to me, the woman speaking also wove the same thread (looking outside oneself) through her talk.  She spoke about a particularly bad day for her when she saw a little girl in a crowded room (I can't remember where this was?) and had the feeling she needed to talk to her.  She said she was annoyed that she felt she ought to talk to the little girl, because she was very busy and the little girl was surrounded by others who were playing games and doing fun things (if she wanted to play, she would have joined one of their games, she reasoned).  But the nagging feeling wouldn't leave.  So she wheeled over and asked if the little girl wanted to play several different games, which to each request the little girl sighed and said "no."  Then the woman, feeling a little exasperated, noticed that the little girl's hair was uncombed and she was wearing mis-matched clothes.  She asked the little girl if she would like her to comb her hair, to which the little girl responded in the affirmative.  As she was doing this little act of service, the little girl said in a tiny despondent voice that her mother used to comb her hair for her.  To which the woman queried about the girl's mother, who then responded: "she died yesterday."  I don't think there was a dry eye in the place when this story finished.

Isn't that one of the greatest things about having kids?  The daily opportunity we have to look outside ourselves.  Its funny that we moms joke about all the things that pregnancy and childbirth does to our hips, our waistline, our sagging...bodies.  We talk about lost sleep and the times when we didn't shower until 5pm and not being able to go to the bathroom alone, let alone get in some personal time.  Yet there is a little hidden secret in all that, and it is that we get so much more than we give.  The recipe for a fulfilling life is finding someone to bless outside yourself.  

Sorry for the font ADD.  You know what?  In spite of my crazy mood swings, this has been a great month as far as my goals!  I got in a couple of needed doctor appointments, and can use them as stepping stones for the future, and our morning routine has gone pretty well!