No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
--Bill Cosby
Before I had kids, I thought that kids either got along, or they didn't. And I thought that fighting siblings was just going to be part of the parenting territory, something to be expected.
Before I had kids, I thought that kids either got along, or they didn't. And I thought that fighting siblings was just going to be part of the parenting territory, something to be expected.
Then my first two kids surprised me. They just got along so well, right from the first. Even if my older son was a bit, shall we say, enthusiastic, in his love for little sister?
I learned a few things, I'm convinced, completely by accident. Because my kids fight way less than I ever expected them to (they still fight, trust me, but they are good buddies most of the time). Others I learned from some wonderful seasoned mothers that I still feel so grateful to! So, take them or leave them, here they are.
1) Start from birth.
I know this can be hard, but involve older siblings in the care of the new baby. Approach baby care tasks as a team when appropriate. My older kids have enjoyed helping to bathe baby, coax out first smiles, or just gaze in wonder at new little sister. As they bond to their new sibling as partnered with their bestie, Mom, it will increase your bond too, as long as you don't totally ignore the older child's needs. I still gooed and gahed at my babies, but I tried to do it sensitively (look at her beautiful eyes! lets look at yours now too!), and tried not to treat big bro or sis as a nuisance (I definitely felt it sometimes!). It can be hard to be patient with an enthusiastic sibling (and protect that baby! don't do anything outside of safety guidelines), but being patient with their form of love will pay off. I tried to let baby be my guide (as advised by a very wise mother who I am still thankful to!). If older sibling is doing something annoying, but the baby is not crying (it shocked me, but sometimes baby is even smiling!), don't intervene. Just step in to protect baby from harm (this will also help relations, as baby will feel safe, knowing you will protect him/her), or if baby seems fussy or overwhelmed by big bro.
2) Avoid comparisons, including words with "er" or "est."
This can become a habit before you know it! I try not to use comparing words, like pretti-er, fast-est, etc. because they are comparing words that place people in a hierarchy. Fast-est implies that someone is faster than someone else. I just say pretty, or fast. If I have to use comparing words, I use them for only that child-- "you are my favorite Ava in the whole world!" (we don't know any other Avas) rather than "you are the fastest girl in the world!" I don't want my kid to define success as being relative, nor do I want him/her to feel my love is conditioned on performance, especially in relation to their own family.
Might seem finicky, but it works.
3) Don't encourage competition between siblings.
Again, learned from a friend who learned this the hard way. In her case, she would motivate her kids to get ready for bed by making bed prep a race-- with each other. Her kids are now in their twenties and still don't get along super well, as they define success as being "better" than the other one! My friend lamented about this long after it was too late to change it. If we must race, I will have them race a parent or the clock. But I try (not perfectly!) not to put them in competition with each other, as this sets up the inevitable loser for whining and jealousy that is often directed at the winning sibling.
4) Give each child plenty of love and attention.
I know, I know! Easier said than done. But my kids behave the best when they've gotten enough love and attention from me.
5) Don't play favorites. In addition to obvious psychological damage, the jealous child will take out feelings of lowered self worth out on the favorite child.
6) Teach them how to communicate.
Teach them how to ask kindly for a toy or a turn. They really aren't born knowing, in spite of my early misconceptions. :) Also, teach them words that they can use when they are frustrated or upset. It is important that you validate their point of view, even if you feel a bit threatened by an emotion like anger ("you are angry. You wanted a turn with that toy and it hurt your feelings when Suzi wouldn't share it with you."). When you validate a child's point of view, she will be less likely to make herself heard by amping up the noise level or using some other odious means of showing that she is truly upset. I will often ask my kids to take a first step of communicating to a playmate or sibling their frustration ("Go back and tell Suzi--I felt bad when you took my toy. Can I have it back please?"), before I get involved.
I don't punish my kids for tattletale-ing, unless it is egregious or mean-spirited, but I do often provide a listening ear and some suggestions for them to try before I get involved. I don't punish telling in part because I want to make sure I'm helping the other sibling learn, too (no way do I want the other child to get away with taking toys right and left! I am responsible for teaching him/her too).
7) Teach them how to share.
Again, you can start from a young age. Make a game out of it. I give this to you, and you give it back. Then make a big deal when they do share, clapping and hooray-ing. Try to notice and praise sharing in regular play too.
8) As long as no one is in immediate danger of death or dismemberment, give them a minute to work it out. Working out conflict might be unpleasant to listen to but it teaches them an important life skill. Unless, see below.
9) Don't tolerate hitting, name calling, belittling, toy-taking, aggressive or bullying behavior. I enjoyed this blog post: "Boys Will Be Boys: Is it Sibling Fighting or Bullying?"
I personally don't think bullying (don't be in denial, even if they are "good at heart!") should ever be tolerated. We must stick up for our kids, for they have no way to escape a bullying brother or sister. Bullying isn't always physical in nature, either. It can include name calling, put downs, exclusion, to name a few.
10) Consequences.
Some of the biggies for me are: no hitting (immediate time out for anything physically aggressive), no toy taking (the toy must be returned immediately, even if I must pry it from their cold dead fingers), no name calling (time out). It is pretty amazing just how many fights stem from these three behaviors.
11) Negative behaviors like this respond best to consistency.
Every time one yells, hits, or takes a toy, if he/she consistently receives an unemotional consequence (though I do like to offer a little "I love you" and maybe a hug on the way to time-out), the behavior will be drastically reduced if not eliminated. (consistency! ha! I can't believe I'm talking about consistency! my arch enemy! but for some reason, I can be more consistent with aggressive behavior, because it pushes my mothering buttons big time) Consistency will really pay off with better behavior in the long run.
12) Catch them doing something good.
Sometimes it is hard to praise our kids for playing well. Because we want to tiptoe around and whisper, afraid to upset this beautiful status quo because we need a little break or we need to get to those crusty last-night dishes. But it is important to reinforce good behavior with positive attention (The Power of Positive Parenting, Latham, teaches that behaviors that are paid attention to, good or bad, are reinforced).
Give attention when things are going well. If you only pay attention when there is a problem or a fight, and your child isn't getting enough positive attention, she will learn that the best way to get your attention is to pull Suzi's hair or take Suzi's toy.
13) Demonstrate alternatives when a sibling is being aggressive.
After a time out, I will often have the perpetrator hug the offended sibling. Sometimes I will demonstrate acceptable forms of contact by taking his/her hand in mine and showing him how to pat a sibling gently on the shoulder or back or head, in place of more aggressive actions. :)
Or we will rehearse the verbage needed in a conflict situation. Teach them how to use words to ask for a turn with a toy or in explaining to the other child why his feelings were hurt.
14) When more diplomatic measures have failed, put a fought-over toy in time out. (be prepared for a tantrum! but better behavior afterward)
Or use a timer to enforce a pre-determined sharing schedule. I have a couple of non-sharers. They would never choose to share of their own free will. So if they have a toy and someone else wants a turn, I will set the timer for a few minutes for each child. After a couple of turns they usually lose interest in the toy. It is easy to argue with mom, but hard to argue with a timer.
15) Teach by example-- keep your voice down, don't spank.
When I'm in a bad mood, I often notice my kids lashing out more at each other. Studies have shown that kids who are spanked are more likely to act in physically aggressive ways.
16) Make sure they get plenty of rest and are offered regular meals.
My kids are more emotional and more likely to take little slights personally when they are tired or hungry.
17) Listen.
Like Atticus Finch. With no preconceptions and without rushing to judgement in order to get this over with.
Here is a funny story (#3) about how Bill Cosby reacted to a fight between his kids. He said: "Parents aren't interested in justice, they're interested in quiet!"
I'm surprised what I learn when I just listen instead of simply trying to earn peace at any price. (lets face it, we are all tired sometimes, no matter how idealistic the parenting books make it sound, and I know I have been guilty once in a while of pretending I didn't see something just so I wouldn't have to deal with it!)
18) Focus sympathy on the victim, put the perpetrator in time out, unemotionally, with little fanfare.
19) Its okay to let them work it out if no one is in immediate danger (no name calling, hitting, etc). Just listen and see how things play out before intervening.
20) Spend quality bonding time together as a group.
If your children are always rushing off in different directions, to lessons and playdates and sports games, they don't have time to bond. Make sure you have some unscheduled down time so they can just play. Sibling relationships will last much longer than that soccer trophy or the playmate on the corner.
Vacations are a lifeline in this sense for me too. We go on one vacation a year, and it is like a religion to me. We really grow closer through shared experiences, good and bad.
Another small thing that has helped us is having a nightly family prayer/scripture reading activity (very, very short). Having daily times when the whole family is together provides grounding moments just as a lightning rod grounds a harmful electrical charge. It gives a child a sense of togetherness, stability, and belonging. (Have you read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn? It amazed me how much those children thrived by reading one page out of the Bible and one page of Shakespeare each day as a family)
21) Teach them to serve each other.
Write a kind note to one child (or do something unexpectedly nice) and involve a sibling as a helper. I have found that once I have done this a couple of times my kids will instigate acts of kindness without my prompting (this comes back to you, too!).
Try to put yourself in your child's shoes. Try to see what her worries and fears are. Imagine what it must be like to be her for a day. Sometimes I can figure out why a particular child is lashing out at another one, when I see the pressures or challenges she faces, challenges that may be totally unrelated to the sibling being lashed out at. (also, when I think of toy sharing, I wonder how I would feel if my neighbor just walked over, pulled me out of my driver's seat, and sped away with my car, one reason I won't tolerate toy-taking)
In addition, I try to help a frustrated sibling, in private, understand what is going on in her brother's world for example. I might explain to her that he is struggling with a teacher at school, or he didn't make the soccer team, that he is sad inside and we just need to be extra patient with him right now. I'm amazed at how these little chats will diffuse anger and increase empathy and understanding among siblings.
*****
Kids need a chance to learn how to work things out on their own, but there are also times kids need to be taught how to get along! Plain and simple. Also, if children learn that they are "safe"-- that you won't allow them to be pushed around, they have higher self esteem and are more likely to handle conflict with clear heads and kind hearts.
Now I know some of this post may seem contradictory. Intervene, don't intervene, teach them how to get along, but don't give too much attention to negative behavior. Don't worry! You'll figure it out. You are not perfect, and neither are your kids. Some kids just get along better than others, no matter what you do. But there are also plenty of things you can do to improve the odds! The things they are learning in this crucible called family will help them with communication, conflict resolution, empathy, and relationships the rest of their lives.
You will still have bad days. But I hope these suggestions will help you as they have helped me, to reduce and eliminate some common causes of sibling rivalry so your house can be a more peaceful place to be!
Is there anything I missed? How do you help your kids get along?
Dearest ones, I will be gone tomorrow! Until next week!
Is there anything I missed? How do you help your kids get along?
Dearest ones, I will be gone tomorrow! Until next week!
