How its Going and a Random Resolution Report

Lately I've been thinking I need to give an update-- I just wanted to let you know what is working and what isn't, so no one out there has a false impression of what really goes on around here. :)  This will be a good refresher if you're new here, too.

At the end of April, when my last of five babies turned one, I realized how quickly time was going and that I wanted to make the most of what is left with my kids before its gone.  So, inspired by the book the Happiness Project, I set out to work on some different parenting resolutions every month and then carry those forward.

Overall, I've noticed that after the hyper-excitedness of the resolution month is over, the enthusiasm I had for certain things wanes a bit, mostly because regular life takes over and it's not in the forefront of my mind anymore.   So, for example, one month this summer we focused on healthy eating.  I said that we went 2 weeks with pretty much only vegetables for dinner (my husband loves to garden, so it made it much easier).  I don't want anyone to think we have kept up that standard since then!  While we are eating healthier overall than we were before, including sticking to my goal of home lunches for the kids for an entire year (wahoo!  I can't believe we've done it!  But this was a concrete, specific goal, too, and those are easier, right?), we still have some crappy days.  My husband went out of town last week and lets just say: junk fest.

So here are some successes and failures that come to mind right off the bat:

*  Got up early and exercised pretty consistently for 6 months, as per my first month's resolution (the idea was that taking care of myself helps me to be a better mother, which it definitely did!).  I lost 10 pounds.  Then I gained it back after I got injured and sick and haven't been able to exercise.  Drat.  But it's about to get better.

*  One month I worked on teaching my kids how to work.  This included updating their job charts with chores they need to be doing according to the book The Parenting Breakthrough, including being trained on a job before they officially have to perform it.  The persistent problem in this arena (remember my brilliant movie tickets?  Um, I used those for one week.  Ouch.) is that my kids are motivated by TV/computer time, which they are only allowed on weekends, or friend time, which is hard on school days, so they rarely complete their jobs on school days.  But my oldest two do clean bathrooms, which is totally awesome!  One other bonus from this month was that I am much more conscious of when I do too much for them, and I see it in the context of disabling/hurting self-esteem, so I am trying to do better.

*  Talking positively to and around the kids.  I wish I could say I am always glowing with positive words toward the kids.  I wish.  I struggle with the dual-- don't overpraise (which can be damaging too), or just forgetting to praise and getting caught in the whole thick-of-the-moment "put on your shoes-come to dinner- don't put food on the baby" mode.  But one positive is that I catch myself (not perfect!) when I'm about to say something negative about one of the kids in front of them now.

*  Quality time.  This is one area I have stuck with-- giving the kids at least 1 hour of quality time each day.  Occasionally it has been less than quality, but we've done it.  And sometimes I've played catch-up, doing extra time some days, but I try not to do this because it throws life out of whack.  Lots and lots of good things have come as a result of this resolution!  And it's my favorite.  I would like to do more, but was trying not to burn out, so we'll see for the future if I can add more time.

*  A different month I worked on doing "acts of service" (I got the idea for some of these through Chapman/Campbell's The Five Love Languages of Children) for the kids, including putting on a happier face when I am asked for a drink or the like at a really inconvenient time.  This was another favorite month, as I saw all the millions of ordinary tasks I do as a way of showing love, and not just a drain on my energy. :)  Some of that attitude has continued, but not all the time.

*  Dating my husband- we started going out on dates every other week.  This lasted a few months.  In the last couple we've probably only gone out a couple of times.  But we're going to get back on track!

*  "F" stands for epic fail a couple of times this fall.  :)

* Mid-month goals:  most of my mid-month goals have not succeeded.  I don't know why.  One mid-month goal that went well for a while was my goal of limiting TV to an hour a day for the little ones.  I've been really bad the last couple of months with lots of illness making its rounds.  But going to get going again.

As for this month, it's going much better than last.  I'm working on being a more firm disciplinarian, since I tend to be about as firm as mush.  We talked about some rules together on a Monday night a few weeks ago, with the kids offering what they thought should be or what they thought represented current family rules.  A few of the things they said were funny, but they were mostly right on.  Later, on my own, I started my list, matching consequences to crimes, by trying to imagine real life consequences for behavior for adult behavior.  So, for example, if a person doesn't go to work in a real-life scenario, they may not have food to eat.  In the past, I've been reticent to try the idea I read about in Parenting with Love and Logic, the idea that parents tell kids they can come to dinner when "x" is picked up, for example.  But I've tried this a few times in the last couple of weeks and it has helped.  They hurry really fast to pick up toys or whatever when dinner is on the table and they are missing it.

Still, I'm noticing just how bad I am at this.  One of the biggest challenges for me, when it comes to discipline, is the dual- show empathy/steel yourself to be firm (I love this mother's advice to think of yourself as a "durable object" during a tantrum or the like) advice; these seem to contradict each other?  I have such a hard time being kind and firm at the same time, I find it easier to be one or the other.  Ideas?  (though I do use the advice from the Five Love Languages of Children, to speak a love language when putting them into time out, such as saying I love you or giving a hug, I'm just bad at getting to the time-out point to begin with!)

I have also had the idea to help the kids learn discipline through a more positive means.  I've been thinking that we need to work on one thing at a time, with a specific reward attached, whether it be time with a parent or earning something they want.  For example, I've talked before about helping my kids get up earlier and get started on their chores in the morning.  I'm just so bad at this, partly because I'm not very consistent right now (I blame still getting up multiple times at night!).  But if I try incorporating one new thing into the morning routine for each child, and providing a moderate incentive, who knows?

As I look back on this project so far, there is so much more good than bad, even with all my mistakes and shortcomings.  We have made some really great memories together (for 2012's highlights, see here).  It's been a really wonderful experience. Oh yeah, and blogging has been a good experience too-- it has given me a boost I really needed, provided a creative outlet, added accountability, helped me see all the positive things in my life, documented memories, helped combat the sometime sense of isolation that can go hand-in-hand with being a full-time mom today, and connected me to friends old and new (thanks for being so kind!).

Oh yeah, and as to getting in the picture, see this wonderful article that I can totally relate to!  Inch by inch we're getting better around here.

You've had enough of me for now.  I hope this was as clear as mud.  As usual, I welcome your sage advice and experiences!

A Little Love

I started composing a little (ha! like anything I write is little! I can't help myself) post about how this months goals are going, but I've been too busy to finish it.

Sometimes, do you just need a little perspective in your life?  I really needed this.  It helps me to remember what matters most.  I have had my own little secret helper and it has been such a boost to know someone out there cares!  All those little acts we do, they aren't wasted.  They make a difference.

Natural History Museum

Enjoy these photos of a recent trip to our local science museum.  It was very well done and we all enjoyed it!  I love seeing the exploratory look on little one's faces.

 Notice the look on this little boy's face?  He said "scared."  The see-through floor was creeping him out.  That's why we need sisters to come to the rescue!

Graph

An Outfit (or Two, or Three, or Four) Keeps the Fashion Police Away

....and keeps the laundry fairy busy!

This little girl LOVES skirts.  When I ask her to get her pajamas on she changes into a different skirt!  She has a meltdown the size of Alaska if she has to wear pants for some reason (like the times we've gone sledding).  My sisters, who spoil me and my kiddos, are so naughty.  One of them sent a bunch of cute outfits (and of course her dear aunt knows of her prediction for skirts) for her birthday last month.  They have already gotten some good use.  And they are always styled very creatively, without Mom's help (if I try to help or suggest it creates meltdown conditions too).

 Any time the camera is out of course little brother thinks it is aimed his way!

The "pajamas" of the day.  And she is getting tired by now of all my skirt documenting.



Do your kids dress themselves in creative ways? 

When to Aim Higher and When to Let it Go

Okay, so, enjoy these photos of my oldest kids trying out this girl's new bow and arrow that she got for Christmas.  I took every ounce of mom-willpower I had to force myself to go out in that bleepity bleep bleep cold snow (it was hovering around 0 degress F) because I knew just how badly she wanted to try it out!

Turns out, it was much harder than she thought, much more fun and addictive than I thought, and just about exactly what my son thought it would be.  I marched out there ready to help them shoot safely and when I strung the bow, he laughed and told me I was doing it wrong.  Then he proceeded to fix it for me, show me how to shoot it, and show me up several times with his skills (cub scout camp, I love you).  Little cute girl wants to practice some more when it is warmer and when we can find the arrows after we have shot them!  (Just to be sure, I was supervising the whole time)

So this goes right along with another area I want to focus on this year.  I have been thinking about the Supermom Syndrome, and how detrimental it can be to being the best mom I can be, ironic as that sounds.  I will explain.  I think the Supermom Syndrome is negative because it implies that somehow one can have it all and do it all, that something really impossible is possible.  One woman said being a mom is like trying to knit on a roller coaster (here) (just a heads up-- this article is not "G" rated).  I have blogged about this before, I know, but I think that perfectionism and perfect are polar opposites.  Perfectionism requires everything to look perfect.  But being perfect requires sacrificing something good for something better-- perfect balancing of priorities.  In many ways the more perfect one becomes, the less perfect that person's life will seem to be on a superficial level (some ways, hang with me, here).  For example, in her search of being a better, more perfect mother, a woman may set aside something she is doing to listen to a child's story, play a game, or teach someone how to make a bed, tolerating the bed-makers mistakes rather than doing it herself.  She may let little hands help bake the cake, even if it turns out a little lopsided.  Or let that un-mopped floor go just one more afternoon so she can snuggle on the couch and read a story.

Another part of my goal for this year is not only self-evaluation and seeking grace from above in overcoming my weaknesses, in order to be a better and better person and mother (even if they are baby steps, mind you), but also to offer more forgiveness in return.  While I'm thinking about things I can work on, getting that reset for myself, I'd also like to hit the reset button when it comes to those I love.  I'm not so good at letting go of little hurts and resentments, I tend to mull them over too much.  So asking and offering that reset each week, that is what I want to do.  Including, forgiving myself!  Because we all know I wouldn't have 50 million resolutions each month if I were perfect already.  Knitting on a roller coaster, right?

Originally I thought of the saying, "know when to be more, and when to let it be."  But in honor of my little arrow shooter who is an example of grit and perseverance in this family, I'd like to make a little more Merida-like saying:  "know when to aim higher, and when to let it go."  Because being a good mother is pretty much the most important thing I feel I personally will ever do, I want to continuously try to be better, in the right ways.  The ways that really matter, and not in being a perfectionist.  So letting go refers to both forgiving and letting things go, and knowing when something doesn't really matter, and letting something give way for something more meaningful.

Oh, and speaking of awesome and supermom and giving yourself a break, see this beautiful article.

A Little Sunday Action

I don't post very often about our Sunday activities.  So here is a little Sunday action.

 
One fight started on this day because the little girl in the photo, who rigged this up all by herself without my knowledge (we had watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe for the first time the night before), was ordering everyone else around like servants and wouldn't share the "throne."

The kids love to sleep all-in-one-room on the weekends.  This boy lugged his whole big, heavy mattress into the girls room, where I found him, asleep (this photo taken the next day).

On Sunday we go to church, afterward we eat a very simple something prepared by me or a much nicer something prepared by my husband (like the stuff pictured at top) (I see Sunday as my day off-- even though I'm still very much on duty with some things, so if he wants a nice dinner, he has learned that he needs to make it himself).  Sometimes I take a nap, though that can be kind of a joke at times.  We usually watch a religious or a tame family movie like the Sound of Music.  The kids play together.  Sometimes in a little herd.  Sometimes they fight.  But they mostly work it out and are pretty good little buddies.  Sometimes we work on Scouts or responsibilities connected to church.  Our house goes to pot.  Sometimes it takes me a couple of days or more to recover.  :)  In the summer we sometimes go for a walk or a bike ride or a drive or visit family or friends.  We don't work in the yard or do housework on this day, nor do we go to basketball games or social activities or even grocery shop like we would on a normal day.  It might sound a bit boring, but it is a really nice break, a nice refresher.  A well-filler, I guess you could call it.  :)  By the time Monday rolls around, I'm so ready to clean and get back to normal.  It's sort of a slow, easy day, as long as you don't count crowd control at church-- that is a work out.  :)

On this particular day, my son came downstairs after bedtime, holding a freshly pulled tooth, my oldest daughter was already out of bed, playing with the baby-- he would cling to her leg, call her name, or hold her hand each time she tried to go to bed.  They were out of bed, but I realized--  man I'm thankful I have teeth to gather and little arms to unravel around laughing sister legs and a little boy in tight pj's whose little round belly makes me happy for babies.  I have a really good life.  And lazy Sundays can sometimes bring all of that into focus.

How are your Sundays?  Slow or fast-paced?  Do you like to make a fancy Sunday dinner or take the day off?