At the end of April, when my last of five babies turned one, I realized how quickly time was going and that I wanted to make the most of what is left with my kids before its gone. So, inspired by the book the Happiness Project, I set out to work on some different parenting resolutions every month and then carry those forward.
Overall, I've noticed that after the hyper-excitedness of the resolution month is over, the enthusiasm I had for certain things wanes a bit, mostly because regular life takes over and it's not in the forefront of my mind anymore. So, for example, one month this summer we focused on healthy eating. I said that we went 2 weeks with pretty much only vegetables for dinner (my husband loves to garden, so it made it much easier). I don't want anyone to think we have kept up that standard since then! While we are eating healthier overall than we were before, including sticking to my goal of home lunches for the kids for an entire year (wahoo! I can't believe we've done it! But this was a concrete, specific goal, too, and those are easier, right?), we still have some crappy days. My husband went out of town last week and lets just say: junk fest.
So here are some successes and failures that come to mind right off the bat:
* Got up early and exercised pretty consistently for 6 months, as per my first month's resolution (the idea was that taking care of myself helps me to be a better mother, which it definitely did!). I lost 10 pounds. Then I gained it back after I got injured and sick and haven't been able to exercise. Drat. But it's about to get better.
* One month I worked on teaching my kids how to work. This included updating their job charts with chores they need to be doing according to the book The Parenting Breakthrough, including being trained on a job before they officially have to perform it. The persistent problem in this arena (remember my brilliant movie tickets? Um, I used those for one week. Ouch.) is that my kids are motivated by TV/computer time, which they are only allowed on weekends, or friend time, which is hard on school days, so they rarely complete their jobs on school days. But my oldest two do clean bathrooms, which is totally awesome! One other bonus from this month was that I am much more conscious of when I do too much for them, and I see it in the context of disabling/hurting self-esteem, so I am trying to do better.
* Talking positively to and around the kids. I wish I could say I am always glowing with positive words toward the kids. I wish. I struggle with the dual-- don't overpraise (which can be damaging too), or just forgetting to praise and getting caught in the whole thick-of-the-moment "put on your shoes-come to dinner- don't put food on the baby" mode. But one positive is that I catch myself (not perfect!) when I'm about to say something negative about one of the kids in front of them now.
* Quality time. This is one area I have stuck with-- giving the kids at least 1 hour of quality time each day. Occasionally it has been less than quality, but we've done it. And sometimes I've played catch-up, doing extra time some days, but I try not to do this because it throws life out of whack. Lots and lots of good things have come as a result of this resolution! And it's my favorite. I would like to do more, but was trying not to burn out, so we'll see for the future if I can add more time.
* A different month I worked on doing "acts of service" (I got the idea for some of these through Chapman/Campbell's The Five Love Languages of Children) for the kids, including putting on a happier face when I am asked for a drink or the like at a really inconvenient time. This was another favorite month, as I saw all the millions of ordinary tasks I do as a way of showing love, and not just a drain on my energy. :) Some of that attitude has continued, but not all the time.
* Dating my husband- we started going out on dates every other week. This lasted a few months. In the last couple we've probably only gone out a couple of times. But we're going to get back on track!
* "F" stands for epic fail a couple of times this fall. :)
* Mid-month goals: most of my mid-month goals have not succeeded. I don't know why. One mid-month goal that went well for a while was my goal of limiting TV to an hour a day for the little ones. I've been really bad the last couple of months with lots of illness making its rounds. But going to get going again.
As for this month, it's going much better than last. I'm working on being a more firm disciplinarian, since I tend to be about as firm as mush. We talked about some rules together on a Monday night a few weeks ago, with the kids offering what they thought should be or what they thought represented current family rules. A few of the things they said were funny, but they were mostly right on. Later, on my own, I started my list, matching consequences to crimes, by trying to imagine real life consequences for behavior for adult behavior. So, for example, if a person doesn't go to work in a real-life scenario, they may not have food to eat. In the past, I've been reticent to try the idea I read about in Parenting with Love and Logic, the idea that parents tell kids they can come to dinner when "x" is picked up, for example. But I've tried this a few times in the last couple of weeks and it has helped. They hurry really fast to pick up toys or whatever when dinner is on the table and they are missing it.
Still, I'm noticing just how bad I am at this. One of the biggest challenges for me, when it comes to discipline, is the dual- show empathy/steel yourself to be firm (I love this mother's advice to think of yourself as a "durable object" during a tantrum or the like) advice; these seem to contradict each other? I have such a hard time being kind and firm at the same time, I find it easier to be one or the other. Ideas? (though I do use the advice from the Five Love Languages of Children, to speak a love language when putting them into time out, such as saying I love you or giving a hug, I'm just bad at getting to the time-out point to begin with!)
I have also had the idea to help the kids learn discipline through a more positive means. I've been thinking that we need to work on one thing at a time, with a specific reward attached, whether it be time with a parent or earning something they want. For example, I've talked before about helping my kids get up earlier and get started on their chores in the morning. I'm just so bad at this, partly because I'm not very consistent right now (I blame still getting up multiple times at night!). But if I try incorporating one new thing into the morning routine for each child, and providing a moderate incentive, who knows?
As I look back on this project so far, there is so much more good than bad, even with all my mistakes and shortcomings. We have made some really great memories together (for 2012's highlights, see here). It's been a really wonderful experience. Oh yeah, and blogging has been a good experience too-- it has given me a boost I really needed, provided a creative outlet, added accountability, helped me see all the positive things in my life, documented memories, helped combat the sometime sense of isolation that can go hand-in-hand with being a full-time mom today, and connected me to friends old and new (thanks for being so kind!).
Oh yeah, and as to getting in the picture, see this wonderful article that I can totally relate to! Inch by inch we're getting better around here.
You've had enough of me for now. I hope this was as clear as mud. As usual, I welcome your sage advice and experiences!
