Ordinary Days

Lately, this little girl is the night nomad.  She likes to migrate to whichever sibling's room she feels least "scared" in.  That is often big brother's room.  She has a little crib mattress she'll move around, but on this night it apparently wasn't enough.  So glad her big brother is so nice to her.  (and of course she insists on wearing skirts, even to bed!  very much a little girl.)

 I'm still not getting much sleep but this little boy is worth it.  I could just eat him up.

These two insisted I bring my camera when I came out to see their creation.  I was glad I did.  Sure a pretty little creation, even if it involved the death of some of my flowers. :)

Love the ordinary moments, the little ones that make life so good!  Sometimes I am tempted to wait to enjoy them, you know, when the dishes are done or when I lose five pounds.  But then those sweet little moments will be gone!  No better time to enjoy them than right now.

I forgot to report last month on the goal that involved introducing the kids to good music (I have introduced them to classical music, just not other types).  It was a lot of fun.  I rediscovered old loves, like Cat Stevens, Carli Simon, and Gordon Lightfoot (reminds me of the time when I used to work on the Snake River!  Speaking of, we took a trip to Jackson that I will blog about some day soon!  So behind, so behind).  One of my favorite new discoveries is the band Five for Fighting...as well as re-discovering the classic sound of Frank Sinatra and others like him via new-love Pandora!  I also rediscovered why I haven't done more of this in the past-- some seemingly harmless songs have messages that are too mature for little ones.  But we're going to keep on.  We have had some fun times with the music cranked up and everyone dancing that I have recently wondered how I became such a old stiff momma before this part of the project.  Happy Monday!

Some Goals

(I had nothing to do with this ^^^.  Love the innocence of childhood and love the times when they help one another!)

Okay, so I haven't really talked about goals so far this month.

So here is what I've been working on and how it's going:

1 - Patience.  See end of post.

2 - Foster friendships.  I'm trying to do a better job at enabling my kids friendships.  It's just so easy to let them play at home, with each other.  And I often wait to have friends over until the house is clean, but the house is never clean!  And when it's really clean, the last thing I want is for my hard work to get undone quickly by a herd of happy friends.  So I've decided two things.  One, that I never cared whether my friend's houses were clean or dirty when I was a kid.  I cared about my friend.  I'm so glad their mothers didn't wait for a clean house, or I would have missed out on a lot of great memories.  So I'm going to swallow my pride and foster friendships regardless of the state of my house.  So far, this is going well, I think.  And part of this resolution has included car-pooling to soccer.  I'm surprised that I'm a little sad to let go of all the driving, just as I had started to find ways to enjoy it, like time to talk with the kids and listen to books together.  But my son needs some more friend time, so we switched to a team with a couple of his friends and have been carpooling.  It has been so nice, from a time perspective, and from a friend perspective.  Though I miss him and our bonding time with the other kids.

3 - Encourage exercise and outside time.  Learning about ADD has made me realize that exercise is a lifeline that I can't deny my kids.  (I think my own ADD was subconsciously causing me to keep them inside more often, because it's mentally hard for me to keep track of kids spread to kingdom come, and hard for me to round them up when the time comes)  So I've relaxed about letting them outside.  They have been biking around like crazy.  It's pretty cute.  The only sad thing, is that the littlest boy, who has an adventuresome spirit, runs away!  I can't tell you how many times I have had to run like the wind, Tonto, to catch him, and he can run fast (he bolts even faster when he sees me coming)!  He is not afraid to run away from home (four times while I was making dinner the other night!  I had to stop what I was doing and go chase him down, I'm sure my neighbors are having a good laugh).  So I have to lock the other kids out, to keep him in (he even learned how to get out through the garage!  I'm in trouble).  It makes me sad that he has to be stuck inside when I can't be out with him, but it's for his own good.  We have also been going on summer bike rides and went on a hike yesterday.  I love time like this together. (also: after a long injury, I have been tentatively exercising myself!  it feels SO good!)

4 - Get up-to-date work charts and rule lists.  I did a mini refresher on The Parenting Breakthrough (translation: I do way too much for my kids!) and made a list of the things my kids should be doing at their current ages and will be using as I update chore charts and move to a new system.  Will also be starting allowance!  We'll see how it goes.  I've also been trying to translate my new knowledge about ADD into routines/work charts, for example, piggybacking certain chores onto others, so they are easier to remember (ie, making bed right when you get out of it).  This is taking me much longer than expected.  I've let the kids veg out more than I should in an attempt to get it done.  Next year I'm doing it before school ends.  Oh yeah, and we're working on our summer bucket list.  You know what?  It was a little overwhelming to write down all the things my kids should be doing at their respective ages, but it was also exciting!  I am excited for them to learn some life time skills (and it will reduce my load, too).

Okay, on the patience thing, don't ask me why I saved this for last.  Just a little observation.  I used to think that patience was something someone either had or didn't have.  A quality, not a skill.  And while I do think that biology and nurture do make patience more difficult for some people than others, I now see it in a new light.  I think it is also a skill to be practiced, honed, and bettered.  And a habit to make or maintain.  I suffered from some moderate depression in the spring, as I found out about my diagnosis, and the possibility that several of my kids suffer from ADD as well.  As I've read more about it, I've found that post-diagnosis depression is very common (all the doomsday forecasting in the ADD books doesn't help!  you will become an alcoholic!  you will go to prison!  you will get in lots of car accidents!  your relationships will suffer!  on and on.  not exactly encouraging sometimes, though there are some rays in the clouds I'll relate when i get around to it!)  Back to the subject.  I was down, and I let myself get more snappish with the kids.  I am not normally like that.  But I let myself.  And let me tell you, it's not just a matter of telling yourself you are simply going back to the way things were before, there are now impatient habits that are hard to break!  So....just something to think about...patience is a habit.  It is also a skill we can practice and acquire, not just something we are or are not.

Happy Wednesday!

End of the Month Round-up

I'm sort of embarrassed to be coming here, again, to say...um, fail.  All of this month's goals went out the window.  Though we did do maintenance from other months, so I guess that is good.

I didn't intend to do so, but I spent this month reading a lot in an attempt to better understand my brain and my kids' brains. My husband would be like, you are reading another one (I think, ahem, seven books?  can you say, still nursing?  can't let go?)?  I've learned so much about the hows and whys of ADD life, including adjusted schedules and routines to fit our own circumstance.  For example, I've learned how important routines are (ha, funny), how important exercise is, and how important it is to structure one's environment to give reminders (now I know why I have become a religious user of the timer in the kitchen!  could not survive without it, even if I have to put something in for two more minutes I always set it for that or else I forget and burn something!), how important it is to tack one task on to another, how important socialization is, how important it is to unlock the hidden potential and talents within ADD, and how (so obvious to me now!) important it is to be careful not to overdo it (poor concept of time and the like).   I have gained a whole bunch of insight into myself and how I function, and have started accepting that I will just plain never be good at some things.  I've already adjusted some other tasks and expectations-- all it took was a little encouragement to see just how miserable I was at "x" .  And hyperfocus?  I'm thinking that I need to structure my day to take advantage of hyperfocus, and accept how difficult it is for me to switch gears.  So if I can give myself bigger chunks of time to do something, rather than a bunch of little ones that alternate (here is one example:  I have read many times that someone with our family size should do laundry every day, but this just does not work for me.  I think I'd rather have a mountain twice a week, than a string of clean/dirty laundry that never ends!)

I will do a post about the books I read soon, I don't know why I never read a book on the subject sooner!  I've still had my ups and downs as I've alternated between a sense of relief (I finally know why I struggle with some things!), validation (there are many other people out there who have been through it to!), and, lets just admit it, sadness, as I mourn for what I've lost and mourn a bit for my kids who will have some struggles to face up to yet.  Finally, peace, as I have realized that ADD presents a whole new range of opportunities and possibilities, just waiting to be unlocked, as I finally accept the things I can't do alone, as well as accepting the gifts that come with it too.  Here is to a fresh start!

We have been enjoying the outdoors this week!  It has been a really beautiful, cool, leave-your-windows-open-at-night-and-snuggle-up-under-the-covers (and rush around shutting them when the rain rolls in!) kind of week.  The little ones and I have had some adventures.  I love that they are still little and with me during the day.  And I am so excited for school to get out!  To have everyone all to myself, less schedules, and some warm weather to enjoy.  Have a marvelous weekend, dear ones!

Successful Breastfeeding and Overcoming Some Booby Traps*

*I got the "booby trap" reference from Parenting online.  Very clever, don't you think?

Just a little warning here....this post has some really fun personal details.  Don't read it if you are squeamish, I guess. :)

I'm sure you're tired of me lamenting on this blog about how sad I am with regards to weaning my now two year-old boy.  But I didn't always feel so positive about nursing.  Before my first child was born, I was all gung-ho about breastfeeding.  While I had looked forward to the birth of my son as a sort of finish-line crossing, little did I realize what I was in for as I faced numerous challenges in attempting to breastfeed him successfully (I thought many times-- at least labor/delivery is only one day!).  I remember losing all dignity as a couple of lactation ladies helped me learn how to breastfeed him in the hospital, as suddenly my girls seemed to become public property, to be flung about and treated as mere machinery to be fiddled with. They tried to sort out an inversion problem on one side, and I enduring heaps of pain for seven weeks plus.  My mom had nursed my youngest sister a little past age two, and since I was fourteen when she was born, I remember how much my mom enjoyed nursing.  What I hadn't envisioned were clogged ducts, two giant engorged rocks, mastitis, those first few seconds of latching on (just at first), leaking (ha, in my first pediatrician visit, I quickly pulled down my shirt as the doc entered the room, only to notice that milk was literally shooting in a little white arc right out of my sweater, lol), and that I would be so sore that I walked around with no bra and my shirt held out so that nothing would touch my skin.  I didn't even dare dry off in the shower because it hurt so badly.  And in those first few weeks, even though there are some shining nursing moments (the first time you nurse, it's just so sweet!), my newborn baby wasn't as responsive to me as I remember my sister being toward my mother.  I was pretty much just a human bottle, with no recognition just yet that I was Mom (or so I thought).  I'm glad that I was determined to stick it out, because it does get so much better, even if there can still be bumps in the road months later (can you say teeth?).

It did.  It got so much better.  Nursing has been a real highlight for me, and it creates a bond that is so strong.    I have felt that my little ones have benefited physically, emotionally, and intellectually from nursing. There are just a few things I wish I had known about beforehand.  All total, I have nursed for 7 years and three months.  There was a point that I wouldn't have believed that if you told me so.

And one last disclaimer, if you can't nurse for some reason, please don't feel guilty!  Later in the post I'll talk about ways to maximize the bottle experience in order to mimic nursing in some beneficial ways.  Please don't substitute this for medical advice, just some friendly words from one mom to another.

1)  If possible, nurse baby within the first hour post-delivery.

2)  Helping baby latch correctly in that first session, and especially in the early days and weeks, aids long-term success.  But even if you didn't get it down or didn't get the help you needed, never fear.  You can still have success breastfeeding, starting right just makes it much easier.

The nurse who helped deliver my second baby was so finicky about how my baby was latching on (it is important that the baby open his/her mouth wide, or extra soreness can result).  I was a little annoyed, thinking that I had nursed my first until just past a year and that she was meddling with my bonding moment.  But you know what?  Getting it right the first time made that baby my most problem free nurser.  Oh yeah, and because I learned with my first that I had one side that he preferred (the other one was more work), I learned to nurse all of my babies on the less preferable side first (just in that first session).  I think it helped.

If you are inverted or flat, that doesn't have to spell failure.  There are different things you can do to help your body, like pumping a few minutes beforehand or silicone nipple shields.  These should only be needed in the first few weeks.

3)  Take advantage of lactation consultants, if available, even if it isn't your first baby.  I learned there is always something to learn.

4)  Nurse on demand.  My first baby threw me for a loop on the second day when he wanted to nurse like every hour.  I wondered if I was doing something wrong to be offering him food so often, but it turned out he was going through a growth spurt (this will happen periodically throughout the first year).  I think that nursing on demand is one of the best things you can do for a child's physical and emotional health.  Physically, he or she learns that they eat when they are hungry, and stop when full (there is a temptation with the bottle to get baby to "finish" the bottle, even if he is full).  And knowing that his needs are met when needed and not just on mom's schedule helps the child in his earliest days to learn that his needs are important, thus contributing to a sense of significance and self esteem.

Sometimes nursing on demand is hard, and sometimes you just...can't, because life happens.  But it is so worth it to do your best to try and nurse on demand.  Life can feel a bit out of control for a little while, but if you tell yourself that this is in baby's best interest, and even though the days can feel interminable at times they really do go by way too fast, and will be over before you know it, you will be so glad you did it, and you will see the benefits in your child.  And you will have some special memories with your little one.

Remember that you can't spoil a baby under six months by meeting their needs when they have them.  In fact, your child will be more secure and less whiny/clingy because she knows that her needs will be met within a reasonable time frame.

5)  To help prevent mastitis, let baby empty one breast before moving on to the other.  Because babies more efficiently nurse on the first side anyway, switch the side you nurse on first each time.  When I was a new mom I followed the 10-15 minutes on each side rule, so I'd break off baby at the appointed time.  But if you have milk left over, this can lead to mastitis and I think it is a bit hard for a baby who is enjoying eating to be surreptitiously interrupted.  If you have leftover milk after baby is full and you are feeling uncomfortable, you can pump the extra and save it for later (or not) or even hand express some milk.  The only caveat here is that your body is made to meet the extra demand, so if you pump, your body will assume you need more milk and it will make that much more (and if you cut back on nursing, your body will make less, though never fear because it will make more again when you nurse more).  For that reason I rarely pumped, but it did come in handy a few times when I had a problem, like impending mastitis or a crack or a plugged duct.

6)  While some pain is to be expected in the first 6 weeks or so, especially in the first few moments as baby is latching on, ongoing excruciating pain is the sign that baby is not latching correctly.  This can lead to extra sore and cracked nipples.  Sometimes I can go months with no problems and have cracking problems when a baby first gets teeth, too.  A friend of mine who is a lactation consultant bought me some Medela gel pads when this happened to me the last time, and can I just tell you....ah.  The gel pads offered relief when not nursing and helped me to heal much more quickly.  I just wish I had known about them before my last baby!

If the cracking is so bad that you are bleeding and it is super painful to nurse, sometimes a pump is a good option.  Then you have more control.  I have done this a few times and have been healed enough after 2-3 days of pumping that I can return to nursing.

7)  Especially in the early days, there are some other things you can do to help your skin adjust to nursing.
For me, using Lansinoh, an ointment offered in the hospital with my first baby, was a big mistake.  I know other women love it, but I had so much pain with my first baby, that just went on and on and on, and I just kept putting on the Lansinoh thinking it would help, but eventually I realized that it was preventing my skin from healing and from getting tough enough to handle nursing.  When I stopped using it and allowed myself to air dry for just a few minutes after a feeding (some suggest putting a little breastmilk on after a feeding, this helps too), I healed pretty quickly.  Especially since leaking is more common in the first days, I found that keeping the pads dry (oh yes, pads are a must at first! unless you want to be embarrassed by a wet spot) helps with soreness and healing (or just going free and easy under a cotton shirt for a few minutes if you have older kids).  (I tried letting myself air dry for 15 minutes a day a few weeks before I delivered, and this seemed to help give a jump start on this process, as I'd be sore for much less time)

8)  To help prevent mastitis, wear a good fitting bra and don't sleep on your stomach.  Of course, who can go out bra shopping with a brand new baby?  As undesirable as it is, I have had to do this a couple of times, with other little ones in tow, because I underestimated the size of bra I'd need before I delivered.  A couple of times I've gotten mastitis because a bra was too small; when that happens the pressure can block the flow of milk and cause painful lumps or mastitis.  Speaking of bras, if you are concerned about sagginess later, it is important to wear one day and night (just a more comfortable one).  I like this one for comfort (and convenience, with built-in discreet removable pads), though it isn't as supportive as some and more expensive than most.  "Breastfeeding often gets blamed for sagging boobs, but actually it's pregnancy, weight gain and poor bra support that affect the shape and size of breasts." (Parenting online)  Breastfeeding is not to blame for saggy boobs!  Gravity, age, pregnancy, poor support (I guess that is related to gravity) are the culprits, not breastfeeding.

9)  If you do get mastitis (symptoms: a hard painful lump that is red on the surface, sometimes there can be red streaks emanating from this spot, and sometimes you can have a fever), never fear, but do call your doctor.  Even though there are some good home remedies that can help you heal from mastitis, it is still better to play it safe and have some antibiotics called in and ready to use should things turn south fast (learned this the hard way, when my husband had to leave the house at 2am once to get me antibiotics).  A warm pack can help, as can massaging the area as baby nurses (ouch, but it helps).  And whatever you do, keep nursing on that side!  If you don't, it will only get worse.  In fact, I will often nurse on the sore side first until things are better, and you definitely want baby to empty things out, so let them nurse and nurse on the sore side.

10)  Get in a comfortable relaxed place, physically and mentally.  This will help your milk let down.

11)  Set goals.  I really, really wanted to nurse at least a year, as I had read that was optimal.  I had some troubles with my oldest that seemed at times insurmountable  but because I wanted to go a year, I made myself push through them (I did have a time, when he was 10 months old, when I got super cracked and sore and would pump and get all sorts of blood in the milk, just beautiful, and everyone told me I was close enough and I should just quit, but I had to keep going, and now I'm so glad I did.  I never had a problem that bad again, and realizing I made it through that, gave me the confidence to get through new teeth and here-and-there challenges with other babies).  I would say give yourself at least six weeks before you call it quits.  By this time the worst is over, and baby has had some good immunity benefits, and baby will start needing less feeding at this point.  If you can stick it out (you can do it!) it only gets better and better after the first six weeks.  I found that the older a baby is, the more fun they are to nurse, because they smile at me and interact and we can enjoy each other.  Sometimes this is the only time a busy toddler will slow down and snuggle.

12)  Don't worry about what other people think.  Before I had a baby, nursing sounded just plain weird. And I bought into the cultural stereotypes that say that breasts are sexual beings.  And yet, nursing is what they are actually made for!  I have seen some women stop nursing because they were just too embarrassed, and the embarrassment stemmed from cultural pressures.  If you become comfortable that you are doing what is best for your baby, and become comfortable with the role of breastfeeding in growing a healthy human being, then it doesn't really matter what others think.  I have almost always used a blanket or some other cover-up when I nurse around others.  This helps, but I also think that you can discreetly breastfeed without a blanket.  I don't use a blanket around my other kids when we are home.  At first, I was worried that I may embarrass them.  But they have gotten so used to seeing me nurse that after the first month or so, they didn't bat an eye in my direction, as they went about their business-- I was just another something in the room, like a painting or a toy or a couch.  And I think this goes a long way to helping my kids have healthy attitudes about sexuality and breastfeeding.

I have had to whip 'em out a few times when I really would rather not have, like an airport security line, on a bench at Disneyland, or even a couple of times in church (once at a swimming pool on vacation, while using a beach towel for protection, while I struggled to wrestle my suit and my newborn wailed away and some other mothers stared at me, ouch, but I couldn't leave my other kids unattended).  Sometimes you just can't find a secluded spot and baby can't be reasoned with (I didn't always want to find a secluded spot, because I would get feeling isolated if I were always going off alone to feed).  And it was just fine (I used my jacket to cover up baby in the airport security line).

13)  Pay attention to gas.  :)  If baby is fussy after a feeding, and he/she has fed long enough, try a couple of things to make sure it's not trapped gas.  I like to keep my babies upright and relatively still after feeding, either on my shoulder or in a baby seat (car seat, etc), even if it is just for a few minutes, but preferably for half an hour, unless it is naptime.  This is why I like to burp a child while upright and not while on my knee or something like that.  This seems to help keep the spit-up under control, though I do think the amount a baby spits up is genetic (I had a couple of big spitter-uppers).  Spit up in and of itself is not a sign of reflux and therefore not a reason to quit nursing.

I found that some foods made my babies irritable in the first few months of nursing.  For me, the main culprit was chocolate.   I found that no amount of chocolate was worth a fussy baby, and before I knew it, I could eat it again.  For some women, there are other foods that irritate their babies, including broccoli/cabbage/cauliflower/dairy products/spicy foods.

14)  If you are worried about how much milk your baby is getting, here are a few tips.

*  Pay attention to how many wet/poopy diapers she has.
*  Listen for gulping sounds as baby nurses.
*  Determine whether baby seems satisfied after a meal.
*  Weight gain that seems acceptable to your doctor.
*  Make sure you are getting enough rest (ha ha right?) and not trying to do too much too fast.  Also, make sure you are getting enough to eat.  It is tempting to try and get your body back, but give yourself some time.  It took nine months to get that way, give yourself at least that to get it back.  And you can't get this special time with your baby back, so for me it was worth being patient with my body for a little while (and I have always eventually gotten it back, sometimes even a little better than before...with this baby I'm still waiting for that to happen).

15)  Remember the benefits.

   This excerpt from Parenting online:

• Breastfed babies have fewer respiratory problems, ear infections, colds and flu than formula-fed babies. Breastfeeding also reduces a child's risk of type 1 and 2 diabetes, childhood leukemia, obesity, heart disease and SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). 
• Breast milk is easy to digest, so nursing babies are less likely to suffer from constipation, reflux and allergies.  
•  Oxytocin, a hormone produced during nursing, helps the uterus contract, allowing moms to recover faster post-delivery. 
• Breastfeeding reduces a woman's risk of developing breast and ovarian cancers, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and high cholesterol later in life. 
• Breast milk is free, always the right temperature, and the fat content even changes according to baby's needs.

And...convenience!  It is always on hand.  Always the right temperature, no need to sterilize anything or worry about keeping milk from spoiling on a trip.  I love that in the middle of the night, I don't have to get up and make a bottle while my baby screams.  I can just sit quietly in the dark and half-sleep while baby goes back to sleep.  Or, if I'm desperate, snuggle baby in bed with me and lie down to nurse (I try not to do this often, as I have at times turned into a human binkie and I have noticed sometimes my little ones get ear infections after I nurse lying down).

16)  If you can't nurse, for whatever reason, don't beat yourself up about it!  Guilt doesn't help you move forward and be the best mom you can be.  There are still ways to imitate some of the best parts of breastfeeding even if you are bottle feeding.  I think some of those are:

*  Holding a baby while bottle feeding.  There have been so many studies that show the cognitive and health benefits of touch on growing babies.  I think this is one of the main benefits of nursing, is that it increases physical contact and closeness.  See here for an article about all the benefits babies derive from touch.

*  Letting baby stop when full, even if there is milk left in the bottle.  This will help start out a child with healthy attitudes about food, and will help them start out on the right foot where weight is concerned.

17)  Structure your life and wardrobe to be nursing friendly.  You don't have to buy nursing tops, just find tops that stretch, or provide coverage in the back, etc.  I wore a dress to church once and promptly regretted it when I had to figure out how to feed my hungry baby, and ended up half indecent in the mothers room with my whole dress piled up above baby's head.  If you are always having to make frustrating or difficult accommodations in order to nurse, you are going to resent it as a big hassle and you'll undermine even your best intentions.  I try to make changes that will make nursing easier, and then I try not to think about what I'm missing, whether it be chocolate or wearing a dress (not to say you can't have a night out and wear that dress!).  When the time comes that I do get to do those things again, it feels in some small way like Christmas, as I have a few new options open back up.  But there is always a little sadness, too, as I realize my baby will never need me in quite the same way again.

18) In the early few weeks, avoid nipple confusion (here) by breastfeeding exclusively and keeping away from bottles and pacifiers.  Because bottle feeding and breast feeding require a slightly different sucking technique, bottle feeding can confuse your infant and undermine breastfeeding (it requires a little more work, though it is actually more calming and satisfying to baby, go figure).  That said, well meaning nurses have given a couple of my babies a little bit of formula or a pacifier (I did room-in with baby, but a couple of times I was exhausted and let them take baby for a few hours while I slept), and it wasn't the end of the world.  You must make your wishes known to your nurses and any family who helps with baby if you want to avoid this trap.

19)  Weaning.  I have found that gradual weaning (I like to take a week or even two, until there is a single feeding, then maybe one every other day, etc) is the easiest on both of us.  Even very attached babies forget much quicker than you'd like them to, the first couple of sad cutting back days are the hardest.  I learned the hard way with my oldest child that I experienced some mild depression when I quit nursing.  I don't know, blame it on the hormones, or the fact that a special time is coming to an end, but it helps me to be prepared now that I know this happens to me.

20)  See nursing times as an opportunity.  An opportunity to connect emotionally with your baby, to give her some attention, to sing songs or stroke her little head or even to read a story.  I read both the Bible and Jane Eyre to my oldest child when he was an infant and he is still super smart!  I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but it certainly didn't hurt!  It can also be a time to rest, when you are still tired and sore from giving birth, and it can be a time to connect with other children.

21)  Involve siblings.  This can be a time they aren't fighting for your attention, and it can be a time that you bond together over the new baby.  If you involve siblings, they are less likely to resent the new baby and more likely to have a better long-term relationship.  It can also help motivate future nursers!  Just make a quick check now and again to make sure there is nothing within reach of a toddler sibling that can cause trouble, grief or danger while you are occupied. :)

22)  Enjoy it.  Don't wish it away.  It will be gone before you know it.  Your body will someday be back, and no one will be depending on it anymore, and you will miss the days when you had a little someone whose growth and development came thanks to your nurturing care.  I look at my babies at some point and have this huge surge of pride when I realize that thanks to me, they have grown so healthy and big.

If you need some more practical nursing tips, see here.  For a post about nursing that makes me cry, see here (don't go if you are squeamish about nursing photos).

Nursing my babies has been such a highlight, in spite of some early days that made me think what the? have I done?  So so special.  I would do it again a million times over.

Weekend

(photo cred belongs to my dear mother)

We had an eventful weekend around here.  On Saturday I helped my parents remove some wallpaper in a home they are buying (five minutes from my house!  how exciting is that?), went to my oldest son's soccer game (he is a great little goalie, only he is not so little anymore!) while I kept an eye several places (my girls were taking very good care of E., mother-henning him all over the place, but when he got tired of that, he enjoyed splashing through a long puddle several times in a row.  After a busy work day we got cleaned up just in time to help at my cousin's wedding.  The wedding was the perfect Pinterest wedding, if I may say so (but I didn't have my camera!).  It was in a barn strung with white globe lights and two beautiful white chandeliers.  The tables were decorated with vintage eclectic flower vases filled with Redbud branches in full bloom and other assorted spring flowers (and a light farm animal scent for ambiance, too).  Gorgeous photos and little chalkboard sayings hung around the room; the bride and groom stood in front of a large chalkboard with their names artistically rendered in beautiful clean white chalk across the top.  I got the best of all the worlds, because I got to serve milk and cookies in a cute apron with my sister while my husband chased the baby outside on the grass (by the time we left he was convinced we should buy the place, and it was cute but...) and my other girls helped (sometimes a little over-enthusiastically) pick up after people who were finished with their milk and cookies.  And we got to sneak some treats for ourselves here and there.  I thought it was funny how many sheepish older men felt they needed to apologize for or explain to me why they were taking chocolate milk (huh?  is chocolate milk unmanly or something?).  It was dreamy, I kept kicking myself for not bringing along my camera.  When we were all finished, they let us take an antique vase home.  Trust me, I got to listen all weekend to a little girl who somehow felt cheated that her sister had gotten the cutest vase and why oh why couldn't she just giiiiiive it to her?  (there were many tears over this)

Saturday night we were awakened in the middle of the night to some eerie sounds (not the wind, it was doing a number outside), only to discover that Maia was puking her guts out in the middle of the hallway.  Of course the ruckus woke up the baby, so I sat with him for a few minutes (praying that he would go to sleep?  or praying that he wouldn't?  so I wouldn't have to face the...) while my husband dealt with the throw up and the thrower upper.  Pretty soon, though, my baby duties didn't exempt me from throw up duty.  (thank heavens he got the worst of it! I  have the worst possible constitution as they say, for vomit.  I can clean up pretty much anything else, but trust me, I contribute to the mess when I have to clean that stuff up)  So we spent the next hour or so cleaning spots from her bed to the bathroom, no small trek if you ask me.  The baby got up again (I guess I have to stop calling him "the baby" now?  He is two after all, ha.), and started hanging on me and begging to watch Mater, so I set him up watching Mater's Tall Tales in the middle of the night, it was actually pretty cute, he wanted to watch it on the tablet while he laid on his tummy, elbows propped, on a single stair leading to my bedroom closet, with the glow lighting up his little face in the darkness.  (and I tell you what, Dad Gum, that show cracks me up, Mater and Mator)

By the time we got it all cleaned up and I started to get him back to bed it was 5am, after he fell asleep I figured I may as well get up for the day, since I had things to do.

I got to go to church with just one little girl, since everyone else was still sleeping when it was time to go (I couldn't bring myself to wake them up, since we had lights and noise going on in the middle of the night, in one of their rooms), so we had a good little date.  She brought her little vase of orange flowers from the wedding and I was too tired to care.  We had a few touch-and-go moments in church, as she wanted to hold the flowers up above her head (several times?  you'd think since she was unhappy with her vase she wouldn't be wanting to show it off to a whole congregation of people?) She spilled the water a few times but she always ran to the bathroom right away to get some paper towels to clean it up.  :)

Sunday afternoon I took a delicious nap, only interrupted a couple of times.  After a loud and laughing mashed potato dinner (I can't remember what was so funny?  But I do remember looking around and feeling so happy that everyone was so breathlessly amused and talkative all at once), we went outside and played soccer, the oldest two and I.  I just love how pleasant my oldest son always is.  He laughed every time I scored on him (what is so funny about that?).  And my oldest daughter, she was a good sport too.  Maia came walking out in her pj's with her throw up bucket, which was soon to blow away, unattended.  The baby kept wandering in and out of the field of play and so did the cats.  He spent a few minutes crouched next to the porch, where they fled from him, watching curiously and wondering how he could get to those cats (loves them!).  Pretty soon the littest three were bouncing on the neighbors trampoline (sorry!) while we next tried a creative game of baseball. Creative, when you only have 1-2 players on a team, and both members of your team are on base.  Who is supposed to bat?  My husband came out and joined us and we enjoyed some mutually competitive taunting.  Then we trailed in our balls and bats and throw up buckets and made our way upstairs for a twilit story or two, and I finished the day with a little knocked out nursing baby (love him!  there is something so magical about a sleeping baby, too) and we finished the movie Lincoln that we had started the night before.

How was your weekend?  I really enjoy getting a break from the daily tasks, but Mondays are extra work because of it (we let everything go south on Sunday). 

I am really happy about this month's goals.  So glad to get a break from trying to be good at something I'm not (the discipline and the schedules, which I will get back to, just not quite yet), and just focus on showing love to them through spending time together (my favorite).  

May Goals

I'm sort of having a brain freeze today.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is the weather that keeps teasing us-- hot cold hot cold hot cold.  One minute we're wearing bathing suits while sliding (or trying, anyway) down a new tri-color slip-n-slide I got in an off season deal, the next minute we're all bundled up in our coats freezing ourselves to death.  Maybe it's May.  No coincidence that Mother's Day is in May, because I think May is one of a mothers busiest months, when we all need some encouragement, right?  I just sat through an exceedingly long meeting at the school while I tried oh-so-hard not to yawn, helped my mom unpack a few things into her new garage (yay!), almost had a play date but there were melting-down kids on both ends, trying over email to talk my husband into buying a better piano (this may be a losing battle, though ours is 50 years old and out of tune, we have never once tuned it, ouch), while I watch two kids out my front window, one riding his bike in circles while his sister walks wistfully on the curb while eating a neon green Otter Pop.  Trying to plan out last soccer games, try-outs, doctor, dentist visits, recitals, graduation parties, moving my parents.  While I mull over all of the things I'd like to do to be a better parent to all of these little ones and try not to think about my stinking tooth that has been killing me since yesterday, when I had prep work for a crown done (by the end of the procedure, my four year-old was sitting on my lap, she insisted on coming and was patient most of the time, she also spent a few minutes peering into my mouth from a millimeter away, it was actually really cute and I enjoyed her, except when she jiggled the table/chair while delicate things were happening in my mouth and I was unable to garble some Frankenstein-like command).

There are so many things I want to work on, even need to work on.  So many.  Half the trouble is just deciding which things are most important.  And now that I'm a year into this, taking a second look at a few things that I need to revisit, because I didn't do some quite right the first time and somehow some things have slipped back where they came from.

So, where am I? (please tell me?)  Because I'm not sure (need to work on those routines!  and the rules, ah, the rules, that is something I'm still so terrible at), I think I'm going to take a break from the more rule/routine-like stuff, because while they need to be worked on, and they facilitate parenting, they aren't what really make me feel like they are reasons why I signed up to be a parent.

So, I'm going to revisit the quality time goal from the first month of my project.  I'm going to analyze how it's being spent and what changes need to be implemented.  I think my older kids need more, and I'd like to give them more one-on-one, so I'm going to think on that and get back to you.  And just focus on showing love to them while I'm at it.

Oh yeah, and enjoying my final days as a nursing mother, as I should probably quit by the end of the month (sound convinced?).

(Oh yeah, and try to convince my husband that we must exercise unusual means to finish that darn Downton Abbey! (thanks, Annie!)  Now I see why everyone is addicted.  Curse you, Downton Abbey, I see some delicious late nights ahead.)

Clear as mud, right?

Have a great, great weekend!  I will miss you all!

April Goals

Whoa, dearest readers, by the end of this month I will have been doing my project and blogging about it for one whole year.  Thanks for the wonderful ride.

I almost posted goals last week, as I penciled a rather large list of things I want/need to work on while I was at my parent's house last week for part of Spring Break.  But I didn't feel ready... yet.  I wanted to let the ideas sort themselves and stew and gain some clarity, which happened over the weekend.

First off, I need to thank you for your words of support and encouragement last month.  So kind.  I am feeling much better, thank you.  Getting a diagnosis was both a relief and...not, as I sort of re-experienced all of the pain associated from a whole life's worth of struggle.  I've already devoured several books on the subject (ADD), and gained a bunch of new insight into myself and my kids and even my relationship with my husband.  There is a really fine line between understanding one's limitations and dwelling on them.  I've found some material that depressed me (amazing just how many people with ADD later become addicts, for example, because of poor impulse control and an unwitting desire to self-medicate their symptoms) and other material that was really positive, pointing out all of the strengths of being ADD (I found this site, based on the work of Dr. Daniel Amen-- who thinks ADD belongs in 6 classifications, in which two are considered personality types and not a disorder-- particularly encouraging).  So I'm going to try and focus on the positive, for myself and son, as put forth in books by the likes of Dr. Edward Hallowell (he has ADHD himself) and Thom Hartmann (who sees modern manifestation of ADHD as a "hunter" -like gene in a "farmer"-based world).  It really is a huge blessing, even though it has been hard, that I have learned all of this before any of my kids have hit the really difficult years as far as studying, exposure to illicit substances, etc. :)

Blah, blah.  Some day I'll learn to edit myself!

As I've studied all about ADHD, I've learned that many of the same techniques that help ADD'ers will help anyone.  I've learned about all that medication can do for people with ADD (even though we have been trying something called Biofeedback), but that it is only part of a three-legged stool in the approach to treatment.  Medication can help kids/adults be more focused for example, but cannot teach skills that haven't yet been learned, like organization.  And that the other part of any treatment plan which will help anyone's focus, involves standard health procedures, such as getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well (particularly Omega 3-rich foods).  Oh yeah, and routines are especially important for those with ADD.  That really sounds overwhelming to me, as I stink at routines!  But I am going to try.

So, long story, not ever short, here goes.  My goals for my kids are:

1.  Develop an after-school and evening routine with built-in consequences, starting with one or two incorporations at a time and gradually adding more throughout the month.  Including some mandatory time outside each day.  Because I'm a softie, but my kiddos really need it.
2.  Focus on paying attention to my kids feelings of belonging and significance.

And, brace yourself here.  I know I have had goals to increase my own well-being most months, as it helps me be a better mom, but this month I have a whole bunch.

1.  Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
2.  Start getting up early to exercise again (I've found a cheap gym close by, so even though I miss running so dearly, it will do the trick for now).
3.  Use fruits and vegetables as snacks.
4.  Enlist the aid of select others to work on some things that I now see are weaknesses, such as budgeting and organizing.
5.  Make a sticker chart for myself to track limited TV watching (we set this as a goal in a different month, but it has gotten out of control lately).

I have more I'm dying to work on, but I want these goals to be successful in the long-term, which they probably won't if I overdo it.

Happy Monday, everyone!  I have a few fun Spring Break photos to share this week.  

Do any of you have tricks that you have used to motivate yourself to do a difficult task, to avoid procrastinating, or to help you focus?  

Helping Baby Sleep Through the Night and How It's Goin'

One of my initial goals for this month was to have my baby (not really a baby anymore, more of a toddler, I'm just in denial) sleep through the night in his own bed.  Is it happening? Nah.

For one thing, we were both super sick the week I was supposed to be doing that.  And for another, this ole' heart just ain't ready for it.  I'm ready to get some sleep, but I'm just not quite ready to let go!  What is my problem?!?

I did take a sleep training course recently.  It was good.  I thought I'd share what I learned, even if I'm not practicing it quite yet.  The course was taken from Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber.  I read this book back in the dinosaur ages.  It helped me help my other kids sleep through the night.  I realized that while I'm not quite ready to help my little one do this, maybe there are some new parents out there who are looking for sleep solutions for their little ones like I was when I was a new mom.

For me, the ideal time to start trying to sleep train my babies was around five to six months.  They learn pretty quickly at this age, and they still can't pull up (ah, those poor babies who can pull up can't quite seem to figure out how to let themselves back down, though they do when they are tired enough.  they are definitely sleep train-able, but it's a tiny bit harder), and, by this age, they should be getting enough calories during the day to last them through the night.

Below I've outlined the technique which has been very effective in getting my other kids to sleep through the night.  The question to ask yourself is:  am I a worse mother during the day because I don't sleep at night?  Is my child's learning or growth or mood affected because he or she is not sleeping well?  Does lack of sleep pose any safety risks for me or my child?  When one of my babies was a newborn, she was getting up four times a night and was awake at least an hour for one of those.  She would cry if I wasn't walking around with her.  She was a great baby during the day, but I was so zombie-like that I was not effective during the day, and it all really hit home one day when I nearly got in an auto accident because I was so sleepy.  In short, it was a problem.  I realized I would be doing us both a big favor by helping her learn to sleep through the night.

When my oldest child was a baby, I tried letting him cry it out cold turkey.  It was super hard.  It didn't work very well, and I wasn't very consistent (part of the problem).  I was fraught with anxiety over by baby's crying (as was my husband, in a different way).

Here is what I learned with subsequent babies.

1.  Make sure you and your partner are on the same page before doing any sleep training.  If you are not, it's probably not going to work.  (And if you are not, I have had to give my husband an ultimatum before-- I know you don't like the crying, but I'm exhausted, so if you don't think you will be able to sleep on "x" nights while I let baby cry, then there is a couch downstairs.  Lol.)

2.  Make sure you are mentally and physically prepared before doing sleep training.  And make sure baby isn't sick or going through any major upheavals like a move or cutting his first molars.

3.  Make sure baby's bed is safe-- follow current guidelines on crib bumpers, stuffed toys, pillows, proper mattress placement, crib safety, etc. This will give you peace of mind during those heart wrenching crying spells (you can do it! and baby can do it! don't let this scare you!  you'll both be fine), since you will be feeling plenty of other anxiety for a few nights.

4.  Plan on sleep training taking anywhere from 2 nights to a week.  (some of my babies had it down in 2 nights!  so hope for the best, plan for... a little more)

5.  Make sure your child is well-fed and changed before hand, and his or her room at a comfortable temp. I try to think ahead at this point.  Since the child will most likely end up out of her covers, are her PJ's warm enough to allow her to sleep without a blanket (and it will undermine the program if you have to sneak in and cover her up)?

6.  Put your child to bed at the time he normally falls asleep, after a consistent bedtime routine (with plenty of time to unwind, say 30 min).

7.  All the things I've ever read say to put the child to bed sleepy but awake.  No sleep crutches like rocking to sleep, lying with them till they are asleep, or nursing them to sleep.  This is because the circumstances that help them fall asleep, they turn to in the middle of the night to help them fall asleep again (since we all wake multiple times at night, we just don't often remember).  Therefore, if they are always rocked to sleep then they will wake and want to be rocked.  Ferber likens this to an adult waking up and finding his pillow missing.  He would find it difficult to fall asleep until the pillow was located.  That said, I have still nursed my young babies to sleep.  I can't bring myself to wake them up.  And its no biggie.  I have still sleep-trained them just fine.

8.  When the baby starts to cry, whether that is at the initial point of putting her down or later in the night, wait five minutes, then go in and reassure her.  I like to lay the child back down, put the blanket back on, smooth her hair, pat her, and tell her that she is going to be okay, with loving and reassuring eye contact (even if you are all torn up inside!).  After 30 seconds or so, I leave the room.

9.  Gradually increase the time between visits from a parent (one parent per night, however you want to do it, just keep the same person for a whole night at a time).  So after an initial visit of 5 minutes, you could go back in ten, then fifteen, then twenty.  If the child sounds like he is almost asleep, I wait and see (and don't go in), even if it is about time for me to go in again.  If I go in when the child is starting to self-settle, it just re-starts the crying all over again.  Usually this is a sign the child is about to go to sleep.  

10.  Repeat this for every night waking for as many nights as it takes to sleep train (a video I watched suggested gradually decreasing the wait times for subsequent nights).  If the child still isn't sleeping after a week, it might be worth a trip to the doctor to rule out other possibilities.

11.  White noise.  Sometimes its helpful to have a fan or close your bedroom door (I don't like to completely close the child's door, as I don't want to scare him/her), or something else to block the sound of the crying.  The sound just makes you anxious, and the more edgy you feel the more likely you are to break the rules, which doesn't help the child.  It is very important to be consistent.  (I also found it easier for me if my husband could sleep.  If I was feeling anxious that he was not sleeping, I was more tempted not to follow through)

12.  If the child throws up, or needs a diaper change, then do it quietly without fanfare in the dark, and put the child back to bed.

13.  If the child shares a room with a sibling, no worries.  The sibling will probably sleep through it all (mine did!  Its crazy!).  If they don't, consider letting the sibling sleep in a different room for a few nights.

14.  After your child is sleep trained, if he suddenly starts waking again, do the same thing.  Check them at alternating intervals (its nice to make sure nothing is wrong, like an illness).  The hard work is over at this point, and the crying should only last a very short time.

I found this method to work like a charm for all of my kids when they were under the age of 18 months.  One of my babies only cried for 15 minutes for two nights, then slept through the night after that (this was my four times a night child!).  One of the keys is not to get all stressed out and anxious and either break the rules or give up early.  I like this method so much better than cold turkey because it allowed me to check on my child, who I worry about (what if she is poopy?  or hurt?  or...something?), and it helps reassure both of us that she will be okay.  It's like I'm saying, I'm still here, and you are okay and are going to be okay.  And the child will be just fine!  In a week she will seem to have forgotten all about it, and you will be happy, functional, and so will she.

For older kids that can climb out of a crib or a bed, McCready (of Positive Parenting Solutions) suggests installing a gate in the door way and treating it the same as if it were a crib.  (and if the child can climb over one gate, she suggests installing two gates, one on top of the other)

***

FYI, we had our initial meeting about our new morning routine, and it went really well.  It really helped to have both of us talk with the kids about it.  Even though we still have to do our practice rounds, the kids have already been getting up earlier and getting chores done.  I"ll let you know how it goes!

Control Battles

I hinted at some two-year old type control battles that are starting to cause little hurricanes of dismay around here.  As I try really hard not to laugh.  Or cry.

A little light dawned on me today as I recognized one of my problems during my discipline month as well as the month following.  Being a good disciplinarian does not mean one will have their kids perfectly under control at all times, it means having oneself in control (most of the time).   After all, we cannot control our children, or any other human being for that matter, we can only control ourselves, and to an extent, the environment.  So it would be unfair to expect everything to run smoothly just because I have set some reasonable rules, reasonable consequences, and even enforced them with reasonable consistency.  And even if I could control my children, would I really want to?  While my answer may feel a bit tentatively to outright blatantly "yes" on some days, it is really no.  I don't.  The ultimate goal of discipline is to help them learn self discipline.  Are they going to learn to think for themselves if they are constantly told what to do?  Will they learn self discipline if they are never allowed to make mistakes and learn from them?

So, it stands to reason, that no matter how good we are at consistently and patiently reinforcing reasonable rules, that there will still be moments of chaos, imperfect times when we will have to clean up messes or interrupt dinner or leave something undone (in fact, I'm realizing that to be effective I have to plan on such things).  My kids will make mistakes, as will I.  But if they feel free to make them, and they still feel loved, then they are free to learn from the consequences in ways that will help them mature into responsible adults.  This also includes feeling free to voice concerns and express emotions that are sometimes unpleasant to parents, but are equally important in helping a child feel validated and "safe" and unconditionally loved.

Here is another little revelation about control: controlling parents invite more control battles from their kids.  Because one of kids' most urgent innate desires is to have some sense of autonomy and control over his/her life, if they aren't given enough legitimate control, they will find other ways to show us we can't control them.  Think bedtime dawdling, refusing to eat dinner, etc.  Thus some of the very misbehavior we are trying to prevent by attempting to control our children is undermining that very effort.  Only by providing them enough autonomy are we showing them "I trust you," and "you can handle this," "you are important," "you can make good decisions," reducing their need to show us they are in control through passive aggressive behaviors.  When an adult in a child's life gets all whipped into a fury, the child, who may not be getting enough of his needs met for control (and positive attention, the other most basic need), gets an enormous dose of control.  After all, they subconsciously think, if I can get a big powerful grown up to throw an adult tantrum, then I am in control, right?

So, one of the keys, as explained in Parenting With Love and Logic (Fay), is to give a child as many choices as possible that are both acceptable to the parents.  Like "would you like to wear your green shirt or your red one?" or "would you like to set the table now or in 5 minutes?"

And, ultimately, our kids learn much more from what we do than what we say.  So if we are examples of control and discipline, including setting boundaries for what we will not allow to impinge upon our boundaries (whining for example-- we can't control their whining, but we can limit its effect on us by asking the whiner to go to his/her room away from us), that sets the ultimate example in helping our children learn self control.

Some of these principles are so obvious its crazy, right?  And yet, so easy to forget.  I was reminded of these principles from some of the webinars I've done through Positive Parenting Solutions.

How do you step back and allow your child appropriate control?  Do you ever have moments when you realize that something you were stubborn about really doesn't matter in the scheme of things?  Any good experiences in letting go of control?

Woman's Search for Happiness

This morning, I had one of those moments.  You know, those moments.  I had sandwiched the night between the couch downstairs and the floor next to my little boy's mattress.  (so I wouldn't wake anyone up with my hacking cough)  There was a graveyard of fluffy used tissues in a half-circle next to the sofa.  Toys were scattered pell-mell across the living room floor, dishes filled my sink, piles of papers threatened to spill over their stacks all across the kitchen counter.  In my flu-induced stupor, I was trying to get bleary kids ready for a late day.  There was one on the computer playing chess in his pajamas, one half-ready in her summer shorts in the kitchen, another dragging, dragging, downstairs in her bright pink nightgown, wondering why. I. have. to. go. to school.  every. day.  Another little girl wonders where I was last night and why I didn't return to lay with her a second time.  Then I remembered I had a meeting this morning, ug.  With my nose still plugged with all manner of.  And some errands to run and this house.  Oh, this house.  It was clean a week ago, and today it looks like the 7th circle of &*%#.  There are two current construction zones and an emergency management zone, plus, I've been sick all week!  So I'm kind of behind.  Oh yeah, and we're going on a date with some friends tonight.  What am I going to wear?  Nothing fits, seeing as I weigh as much as I did when I had my babies.  Ouch. (my darned knees are injured so I can't exercise, which is killing me!)  And what if they want to come over afterward?  Great spotless trendy cute perfect people.  They are going to think we are the keepers of the dump.  I'm imagining my embarrassment.  Oh yeah, and some paperwork due at school today, the very last day.  Is it buried under one of the many Pisa-like piles?

I've been a little distracted lately.  And a little down about some general life challenges.  If you ever think my life is breezy, well, I definitely struggle with some things.  Some things that weigh really heavy some days. 

So...on this particular day, when all of the tornado was coming to pass, as I tried to whip through the chaos and ready some little people, I had a little moment of ....well, you'll see.

We were standing in the corner of the kitchen.  My four year-old was looking up at me and demonstrating with her hands in a very emphatic way about how she wanted me to just "scoop" her eggs into her mouth.  My son was waxing on about parallelograms.  They were both oblivious that the other was having a completely independent conversation with me at the same time. 

Then my nine year-old started to speculate about a person named "Ima," and what if her last name was "Buttchip."  And what if Ima Buttchip went to Hogwarts and Professor Flitwick, in calling her name, said "I'm a Buttchip."  And then she proceeded to go through an extensive individual list of the staff at Hogwarts, imagining each calling themselves (basically), a Buttchip.  So I got to hear this over and over and over.  I'm a Buttchip.  I'm a Buttchip.  I'm a Buttchip. 

And pretty soon, we're late for school, again.....and I'm rounding up a couple of things and my seven year old has a meltdown.  She is wailing and sucking in air, and looking around with truly distressed blue-green eyes with tears dripping out of them and a sideways distressed mouth that compresses her lips and reveals her crooked growing-in teeth and saying that her sister called her a... Buttchip.  To which a distant voice calls from a distant room that she was not calling her a Buttchip, "she just didn't understand I was making a joke"...la la la.  Kind of funnier because we don't even really say the word "butt" at our house.

And I had this weird crazy happy feeling.  Crazy because I felt feeling fill my whole chest cavity as it dawned on me that....I love this.  I love these little people that make me crazy happy.  I love that in all of this chaos that feels so out of control some days, that I get to listen to after school stories, comfort end-of-the-world knee scrapes, tie shoes, help with school projects, tuck-in-bedders and shoo out-of-bedders; even  that I get to muffle a laugh-cry as I try to mold my face into pious sympathy while my daughter wails about being called a "buttchip."

And even in middle of the wailing, I looked at that little girl that I was so nervous I might lose last month and saw a whole package of a person I love so much.  Five little unique people, really, that I love individually, who make life so rich and fun and interesting and purposeful.

And I remembered a quote I read from Victor Frankl, the gist of which was "don't search for happiness, search for meaning."  And that is one of the reasons my heart was so full, because I saw how much meaning there was in all of it.  A lot of little people and a lot of meaning.  And when life seems a bit hard to take some days, they are the reason I hold on.  My reason to be better, to hang on, to give them a happy life.  And that is what makes me happy, not the chasing of happiness, but that moment when it finds me and settles on me in the most unexpected places.

When I searched for the exact quote, I couldn't find it.  But I did find out that Victor Frankl was a survivor of the Nazi death camps. 

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”
― Viktor E. Frankl

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”
― Viktor E. Frankl

(Quotes taken from Goodreads)

Don't search for happiness, search for meaning.  For me, meaning comes from trying each day to make someone's life better.  That makes me happy.  Even if it involves Buttchips.

In the midst of all the lateness and craziness this morning, I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of this sweet little boy who stole in a snuggle with me this morning and fell asleep.  Isn't baby sleeping just magical?  So glad I get a first-row seat with this sweet view.

What gives your life meaning?  Do you have a hero that has inspired you? 

Life Lately and a Couple A' Links

Of course this little girl was delighted for an opportunity to represent her favorite book character at school one day.  She even made the paper crest patch for her robe.  She makes a cute Hermione, huh?




We went for a walk on a clear but cold day last week.  The kids were in heaven (even though I made that cute girl go back in and change into warmer pants).  It was so nice to be outside after living through a very long, gray, wet, bitterly cold winter.  Ever since that day the baby tells me "go a walk!  go a walk!"  These opposing creative outfits really express these girls' personalities.



If you would like to watch a replay of the webinar "Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling" see here.  I have also spent some time watching some of her other training sessions (it did cost some money, I will have to give you a free rundown after I'm finished :).  Its been very helpful for me personally, as I was in need of some tips in some trouble areas, including my upcoming resolution to work on the morning routine!).  I'm also reading a couple of books that will make for some interesting future post material. Wahoo!

And, for those of you who need a break sometimes from thinking only about parenting and kids, here are a couple of fun links.  This one, on printed denim.  What do you think?  And this super cute swimsuit, out of my price range and would never work on my body, but it's fun to dream (maybe a good motivator to start exercising again?).  And for my cerebral friends?  Tell me about a good book you read lately?  I'm going to read this.  What about favorite movies?  I saw two excellent films over the last month.  The Artist (loved it), and the controversial Les Mis (made me cry).  What about you?

Happy Thursday everyone!

A Date With a Crazy Driver

Sorry for so much blah blah blah the last few days.  Time for some silent photos soon.

So....my kids are keeping me honest now that they have discovered I scheduled dates with them on my calendar (back when I worked on organization...I have one child scheduled for a date each month, so they'll get one every 4 months-ish).  Friday I was able to go out with my oldest son to a local boy heaven-- it had laser tag, arcades, go karts, and bowling under one roof (I happened to have some credits there from a couple of years ago, oops).  We did a couple of arcade games first; he had a good laugh at my terrible target shooting and I was duly impressed by his.  We also sat in some kind of motion simulator (only for him, let me tell you, I usually hate those things) and got our brains jiggled out against the jittery yellow vinyl backed seats, as we catapulted through a "haunted" mine.

Then he decided we should earn some tickets.  So we tried shooting some hoops, whereupon I introduced him to some good old fashioned "Skee-ball."  (best way to earn tickets, in my mind)  He liked it so much we used up the rest of the allowance on our cards and disappointedly tried to push the yellow button even though we knew we had no money left (just in case?).  He did eventually redeem our tickets for a couple super cheap plastic spiders to give his sisters when we got home.

Next up, laser tag.  Who knew how fun laser tag could be?  It was the two of us, a middle aged couple and their princess daughters (probably 5 and 7?), their son, and the acne-ridden guy who worked there (without him, lets just say....we'd have been annihilated  against a whole big group of twelve year-old boys.  It was so fun sneaking through the neon black darkness, hiding behind pillars, running, dodging, and trying to shoot the glowing vests of the deviously evil boys on the other team.  :) 

Then we visited the bowling alley.  On the way there, we laughed about my adventures in bowling as a twenty something, when I got three strikes in a row, impressing all the boys in the process (no one more surprised than myself), and then proceeded to bowl nearly straight gutter balls the rest of the game.  Lol.  I had a near repeat of this experience, in different sequence, as I'd bowl a strike and then a couple of gutter balls, etc.  He had a good laugh about that, though he often remained good naturedly concerned as he watched some of my shots veer toward the gutter, right until my ball was sucked silently into the bowling abyss.  He did pretty well himself, and we had a good laugh in a virtually empty bowling alley filled with eighties music.

Last of all, we went outside in stinging winter air to try out the go-karts, my son's favorite.  He offered to drive, and I got to be the giddy passenger.  He had been sharing his go kart driving exploits from a friends birthday party all weekend, so I was all prepared for some crazy driving.  And boy was it crazy!  He is normally pretty mild mannered, but he was aggressive in that machine, keeping the pedal to the metal all the way around the tight corners (I noticed his neck had some purplish marks from the seat belt for a couple of days afterward), and as I white knuckled a bit when he tried to pass some other swerving cars driven by boys of similar age.  I think I laughed most the way.  It was pretty fun, minus breathing in some heavy fumes between breath holding.

I love letting the outer adult go in times like these and remembering how it felt to be a kid.  Especially since my kids just seem to eat it up when I act like a kid with them for a bit.  And also letting the child I'm with lead the play.  Fun for both of us.

He thanked me a lot of times for our little "date."  That night, he curled up on my bed and said "Mom, I want to ask you something."  We ended up having a heart to heart conversation.

Have a wonderful weekend!  I will miss you, friends!  Goals next week, because I'm feeling lazy right now.  :)  Love to all.

A Little Side Goal

Just a quick little something about a side goal that started a couple of months ago.  Remember when I worked on organization?  Well,  that is still an ongoing project.  :)  But one upside was that I planned out activities for the whole year, like dates with the kids and with my husband.  This may seem like overkill, but I have gotten addicted to yearly planning over the last few years.  I find I'm so much better at finding a block of time to plan something out, after which I can let it run itself for quite a while.  I wanted to make sure I do all those things I always intend to do but never get around to, to be more purposeful about life instead of just going along for the ride.

One of my goals with the planning was to allow for more cultural experiences with the kids, again, in a purposeful way.  I did some quick research on the internet to see which art shows, plays, ballets, etc were visiting my state over the next year.  Then I did some quick budgetary calculations.  Turns out, even though I'd like to go to lots of plays, one good quality play is all the budget will allow when there are so many people to account for (and I've learned that I'd rather pay for good seats to one play than bad seats for two).  That said, in December, when I saw a deal for Symphony tickets for just $9, I snatched that right up, because cultural events were on my mind and I realized it was a great opportunity to get in some culture for a great price (and we didn't need great seats, as it was an auditory experience).

In addition to stage performances, I scheduled cheaper things, like one nice restaurant (of course nice is anything a step up from McDonalds)(we were supposed to do this in Jan, but when I was sitting at the dinner table a few nights before, and there was a lot of slurping and chomping and just general craziness, I decided we needed some more prep time, since the kids didn't know about it anyway, and prepping for something like that is kind of the point).  I also found that a semi-local university's art museum offers a few free Saturdays just for kids, and they even provide a craft.

I also scheduled out days here and there at our "pass of the year."  In general, we tend to do one pass a year and rotate that pass.  Last year we did the Planetarium.  If I didn't schedule it, I would sometimes forget for months at a time that I even had the pass (after I started writing it on the calendar, we went more regularly).  This year we are doing the zoo.  I budgeted enough to visit another museum or two on a one-off basis, like the science museum we visited last month.

In general I just tried to decide how often time and budget would allow us to visit places we wanted to go, then scheduled them in so we don't just get so into our daily rhythms that we miss out on something we really wanted to do.   So far, its been good!  I have one goal related to this I'm going to work on next month.

Whew!  Clear as mud.  Happy Valentines Day!

How its Going and a Random Resolution Report

Lately I've been thinking I need to give an update-- I just wanted to let you know what is working and what isn't, so no one out there has a false impression of what really goes on around here. :)  This will be a good refresher if you're new here, too.

At the end of April, when my last of five babies turned one, I realized how quickly time was going and that I wanted to make the most of what is left with my kids before its gone.  So, inspired by the book the Happiness Project, I set out to work on some different parenting resolutions every month and then carry those forward.

Overall, I've noticed that after the hyper-excitedness of the resolution month is over, the enthusiasm I had for certain things wanes a bit, mostly because regular life takes over and it's not in the forefront of my mind anymore.   So, for example, one month this summer we focused on healthy eating.  I said that we went 2 weeks with pretty much only vegetables for dinner (my husband loves to garden, so it made it much easier).  I don't want anyone to think we have kept up that standard since then!  While we are eating healthier overall than we were before, including sticking to my goal of home lunches for the kids for an entire year (wahoo!  I can't believe we've done it!  But this was a concrete, specific goal, too, and those are easier, right?), we still have some crappy days.  My husband went out of town last week and lets just say: junk fest.

So here are some successes and failures that come to mind right off the bat:

*  Got up early and exercised pretty consistently for 6 months, as per my first month's resolution (the idea was that taking care of myself helps me to be a better mother, which it definitely did!).  I lost 10 pounds.  Then I gained it back after I got injured and sick and haven't been able to exercise.  Drat.  But it's about to get better.

*  One month I worked on teaching my kids how to work.  This included updating their job charts with chores they need to be doing according to the book The Parenting Breakthrough, including being trained on a job before they officially have to perform it.  The persistent problem in this arena (remember my brilliant movie tickets?  Um, I used those for one week.  Ouch.) is that my kids are motivated by TV/computer time, which they are only allowed on weekends, or friend time, which is hard on school days, so they rarely complete their jobs on school days.  But my oldest two do clean bathrooms, which is totally awesome!  One other bonus from this month was that I am much more conscious of when I do too much for them, and I see it in the context of disabling/hurting self-esteem, so I am trying to do better.

*  Talking positively to and around the kids.  I wish I could say I am always glowing with positive words toward the kids.  I wish.  I struggle with the dual-- don't overpraise (which can be damaging too), or just forgetting to praise and getting caught in the whole thick-of-the-moment "put on your shoes-come to dinner- don't put food on the baby" mode.  But one positive is that I catch myself (not perfect!) when I'm about to say something negative about one of the kids in front of them now.

*  Quality time.  This is one area I have stuck with-- giving the kids at least 1 hour of quality time each day.  Occasionally it has been less than quality, but we've done it.  And sometimes I've played catch-up, doing extra time some days, but I try not to do this because it throws life out of whack.  Lots and lots of good things have come as a result of this resolution!  And it's my favorite.  I would like to do more, but was trying not to burn out, so we'll see for the future if I can add more time.

*  A different month I worked on doing "acts of service" (I got the idea for some of these through Chapman/Campbell's The Five Love Languages of Children) for the kids, including putting on a happier face when I am asked for a drink or the like at a really inconvenient time.  This was another favorite month, as I saw all the millions of ordinary tasks I do as a way of showing love, and not just a drain on my energy. :)  Some of that attitude has continued, but not all the time.

*  Dating my husband- we started going out on dates every other week.  This lasted a few months.  In the last couple we've probably only gone out a couple of times.  But we're going to get back on track!

*  "F" stands for epic fail a couple of times this fall.  :)

* Mid-month goals:  most of my mid-month goals have not succeeded.  I don't know why.  One mid-month goal that went well for a while was my goal of limiting TV to an hour a day for the little ones.  I've been really bad the last couple of months with lots of illness making its rounds.  But going to get going again.

As for this month, it's going much better than last.  I'm working on being a more firm disciplinarian, since I tend to be about as firm as mush.  We talked about some rules together on a Monday night a few weeks ago, with the kids offering what they thought should be or what they thought represented current family rules.  A few of the things they said were funny, but they were mostly right on.  Later, on my own, I started my list, matching consequences to crimes, by trying to imagine real life consequences for behavior for adult behavior.  So, for example, if a person doesn't go to work in a real-life scenario, they may not have food to eat.  In the past, I've been reticent to try the idea I read about in Parenting with Love and Logic, the idea that parents tell kids they can come to dinner when "x" is picked up, for example.  But I've tried this a few times in the last couple of weeks and it has helped.  They hurry really fast to pick up toys or whatever when dinner is on the table and they are missing it.

Still, I'm noticing just how bad I am at this.  One of the biggest challenges for me, when it comes to discipline, is the dual- show empathy/steel yourself to be firm (I love this mother's advice to think of yourself as a "durable object" during a tantrum or the like) advice; these seem to contradict each other?  I have such a hard time being kind and firm at the same time, I find it easier to be one or the other.  Ideas?  (though I do use the advice from the Five Love Languages of Children, to speak a love language when putting them into time out, such as saying I love you or giving a hug, I'm just bad at getting to the time-out point to begin with!)

I have also had the idea to help the kids learn discipline through a more positive means.  I've been thinking that we need to work on one thing at a time, with a specific reward attached, whether it be time with a parent or earning something they want.  For example, I've talked before about helping my kids get up earlier and get started on their chores in the morning.  I'm just so bad at this, partly because I'm not very consistent right now (I blame still getting up multiple times at night!).  But if I try incorporating one new thing into the morning routine for each child, and providing a moderate incentive, who knows?

As I look back on this project so far, there is so much more good than bad, even with all my mistakes and shortcomings.  We have made some really great memories together (for 2012's highlights, see here).  It's been a really wonderful experience. Oh yeah, and blogging has been a good experience too-- it has given me a boost I really needed, provided a creative outlet, added accountability, helped me see all the positive things in my life, documented memories, helped combat the sometime sense of isolation that can go hand-in-hand with being a full-time mom today, and connected me to friends old and new (thanks for being so kind!).

Oh yeah, and as to getting in the picture, see this wonderful article that I can totally relate to!  Inch by inch we're getting better around here.

You've had enough of me for now.  I hope this was as clear as mud.  As usual, I welcome your sage advice and experiences!