Family Night - Positive Words

I've been loving all I've learned about speaking positively and simultaneously wanting to share some of it with our family.  I feel if we change the way we speak to one another it could potentially revolutionize our whole way of life in a good way (we aren't bad in the way we speak to each other, we do fine, but we can always do better, right?). 

Every Monday night we have a family night.  Some days are better than others and our kids are little enough that lessons need to be short and sweet.  We talked about positive speaking-- I used stories from the examples in this post.  Even though the kids were wiggly and distracted at times I think they enjoyed it.   The best part was telling each other what we like about each other.  We're making these (above, an example of something my son made for me for Mother's Day) today so each child can be reminded of what we think is special about him/her and so we have positive words in reservoir for reminding when we need something nice to say.  :)

Little Girl Update

I think I've been through all ranges of human emotions over the last few days.   Gotten a little bit of perspective and a realization just how important one little six year-old human being is to me.

On Sunday, she had some leg pain that progressed to a trip to the ER.

Yesterday morning she had surgery on her hip.  They cleaned the joint in an effort to prevent what has the potential to cause permanent damage, after an ultrasound-guided needle inserted into her joint revealed a possible infection (during the first night in the ER).  When we first arrived in the ER, they did blood work and a regular X-ray, the most traumatizing event of the night, because they had to try to bend her knee and rotate it outward (cringe cringe cringe as I listen helplessly to her scream, since I couldn't be in the room! this made me feel so bad for her!)  All night she was in terrible pain, screaming and gnashing her teeth together, even after they gave her Morphine.  Then she had an ultrasound that showed quite a bit of fluid surrounding her femur.  After they pulled out some of the fluid via the ultrasound + needle, she finally slept sporadically and stopped the periodic screaming she had been doing since late afternoon the day before.  Her leg kept giving her painful spasms, so she wanted my hand on her knee as much as possible that night.

At 4 am the Orthopedic doc said they needed to operate right away due to the nature of the fluid they found in her joint.  He said "this is considered an orthopedic emergency."  Of course we were hoping to avoid surgery, but the alternative-- quick and permanent damage to her joint-- was worse (he said they can't even afford to wait for culture results to get back).

She came out of surgery about 10am.  She kept retching and was still really out of it for a while, I'm sure in part because she had slept so little the night before.  By afternoon she was a groggy sort of awake and got to watch a bunch of movies (it made me laugh that she wanted to watch Cupcake Wars much more than the movie I brought).

Miguel and I have taken turns with her and we've had family here to help (such a godsend!).  The hospital won't let any kids under 14 in to see her because we're in RSV season right now.  That has caused its own little problem.   So I took home some crestfallen tired ones when they were told they couldn't come in to see her, and I found out that later that afternoon one sister had locked herself in my closet.  She was especially affected by her sister's absence and worried and upset that she couldn't see her (see last post!).  I realized that the last time they saw her, she was being hauled away at night, screaming in pain.

Last night Miguel slept in the hospital with her and all the rest of the kids but one opted to sleep in my room or in my bed.  When I had left her the day before, they were concerned that her heart rate was still high (hovering around 150-160, ocassionally going even higher) and tested her to make sure she had no bacteria in her bloodstream.  Right now she is having an MRI to determine whether the infection is gone or whether they have to go back in and clean it out.

Thanks for the kind wishes from many of you.  Keep praying for her, we need it. :)

Month 3, Part Two-- Teaching Work

This month I have some specific things we need to improve on.  I don't think we are bad at working, we just need to improve.  The kids have jobs and the thing I've found to be most successful at motivating them is no privileges (TV, computer, friends, etc) until their jobs are done.  I'm not consistent about some things, but this is one thing I'm consistent about, and it works really well.

I have used a binder system to track jobs in the past (I am not good at any kind of job chart that requires frequent maintenance on my part, such as stickers).   It worked well.  But now we use My Job Chart -- see my review here.  One of the nice things about My Job Chart is that it keeps track of how many "points" your child earns-- you don't have to.  The only time parental involvement needed is to add or change jobs, specify which rewards are available for your child to earn (there are custom fields for both of these, if you want them to have a job or reward not in My Job Chart's system, and you can decide if you want them to be able to earn toys or monetary-based rewards), and act when they redeem an award.

After reading The Parenting Breakthrough my Merrillee Boyack, here are some of the things she's inspired me to work on, as well as some of my own:

1)  Make a list of all the things I would like my kids to learn in order to be an independent adult (list things like wise investing, how to clean a toilet, how to change the oil in a car, etc), then make a plan, year by year, of the things they need to learn.  She has her own plan, according to age, which is really good.  There are definitely some things on her list that my kids are not doing. 

We already started this, and it was a wonderful experience for me and my husband.  What a great perspective giver.  We are going to hone it down a little in conjunction with a family motto and basic family rules, but we got a great start.

2)  Help my kids understand the value of work.   Making them work and actually helping them learn to value work are two different things.  (more of that becoming stuff I want-- if they actually value it, it will change their life, if not, its only a short-term fix)

Immediate plan:  I have a Family Night lesson all planned for tonight-- we'll see how it goes.  Obviously it will take a lot of times for this lesson to really sink in.  For tonight, I'm also going to introduce the "training plan" Boyack writes about-- giving my kids some notice before I train them in a new job.  (more later in the month)

3)  Help them learn how to be self-starters-- get up early, on their own, and get to work (dream on, right?).  I don't know how I'm going to do this yet, but I am determined to help them do it!

4)  Work hard myself.  I've been afraid to push myself too hard since I didn't sleep the first 10 months of baby's life, but its time to start.  Every parenting book I read says that kids need to see their parents showing the way rather than just spewing idle talk.

5)  Limit TV/computer.  We've gotten into some bad habits the last six months or so!  I'm going to limit my kiddos to 1 hour of screen time during the summer, limit TV to weekends during the school year for the big kids (1 hour per day during school year for little ones). 

6)  Accountability.  I'm going to actually check my kids jobs to make sure they are done.  Boyack suggests making a 3x5 card with the requirements for a particular job in detail-- ie, for bathroom it would include wipe mirrors, empty trash, wipe sinks, clean toilet, etc.

7)  Positive Rewards.  I made a jar with papers called "Mystery Motivators" (got the idea from a friend).  I learned in The Power of Positive Parenting (Latham) that intermittent reinforcement can be a powerful rewarding tool (periodically providing a reward-- this also works in the negative, if I let them get away with something once, they are likely to try many times to get away with it again).

8)  Work together.  I've wanted to work together as a family for ages, we just never do it.  Going to try something new this month, I'll let you know how it goes.

How do you teach your kids to work?  Any job chart ideas that work for you?  Boyack thinks varying the job charts is a great idea to keep things interesting.

Little Things

We went for an impromptu picnic on Friday night.  A few years ago we decided to save TV for the weekend only during school, and to make this transition easier, we made Friday night extra special by having a family movie night and pizza. 

Only, in good weather, it seems like a waste of a good evening.  So we took our pizza to a park just 5 minutes from our house that we have only visited once before.  It was a gorgeous night.  The mountains were rust and amber and brown and yellow.  The light was some sort of honey-colored magic.

We explored wooded paths overgrown with leaves and branches, played, and watched some people "fighting," as my three year-old called it.  (she'd say "where are the fighting people?")

It was so easy.  And so nice.

Other little things from this week:

Meeting my oldest three at school for lunch.  My little six year-old has decided that first grade is hard and called me from school, crying to come home last week.  In the heat of the moment, I realized that it would be so easy to run on over and pick her up.  Then I realized that the better service for her would be the harder one for me-- to have her stay at school.  But that didn't mean I couldn't come and visit her at lunch this week for a little moral support.

Then I stayed for lunch with my son.  His friends were giggling and talking and enjoying eachother.  I wondered if he would be embarrassed of me and the two little ones.  Instead, he held baby on his lap and all his friends laughed at baby's antics.  He and one friend begged me to come to recess and then followed the baby around laughing some more at how he pumps one arm only while running (and saying "running!" in a breathless voice), and mothering him a bit.  Every time I said I needed to go they'd say "NO!"

(they were so cute, all snuggled in my bed this morning!)

Today, I didn't want to leave my nine year-old out, so I swung by and picked up a little $1 ice cream.  As I walked into the school, other kids were jealously oohing and ahhing at the plastic ice cream cups I was juggling.   When I found her, I could tell by her eyes that she was really happy we had come.  And it was so easy-- just remembering a small thing she liked-- not much extra time but it was a big deal to her.

Reading to baby on a plush velvet couch during dance class, his little pudgy arms pointing out trucks and doggies, his little cute body snuggled up to mine.

Peach pie for an after school snack, slurped and laughed at and enjoyed around the table together.  "Mom, did you do this for us, because we said we liked pie?"  "Yup." (though I'm not making another one for a while!  If we have a craving, I think they'll like store bought just as well!) (by the way, one of the resolutions that I keep meaning to update is no dessert before dinner-- we've really slacked on that one, but we're still eating pretty healthy overall)

Little, easy things.  They are giving me so much pleasure.

(Only, now it's time to go and clean my house!)

(note: I've still been doing their hair every day, but some days it doesn't last long!  But I feel good if I tried)

Check out this cute idea for making dinner fun!  Another way to keep dinner feeling like an act of service and not a chore, and it looks like the kids love it. 

Bethlehem Dinner

This is the second year we've had a special dinner on Christmas Eve.  Another idea I got from a family I knew in Dallas.  We attempted to dress like and eat as the people of Israel would have 2000 years ago.  (I know we're waaaaay off)

Of course Christmas Eve is a crazy time for parents, right?  And of course we (should I say "I") procrastinated making our gifts from the heart until Christmas Eve day, so the house was a wreck, we had company coming, and I had yet to make the dinner.  So our outfits definitely left something to be desired (ha, just check out our "sashes"-- old tights, we have plenty of those).  And I didn't comb any one's hair, either.  But it was the thought that counted.

Again the kids and I made this bread together.  It's not as hard as it looks and they loved helping me braid it.  And man alive, that stuff is good.  (I linked to a recipe from Smitten Kitchen, but I used a recipe from America's Test Kitchen Family Cookbook)  In a way, it was nice to have a mini-cultural lesson aside from the Christmas thing altogether.

I was really nervous about asking guests to sit on the floor and eat with their hands.  But they were very good sports.  And my kids just loved sitting on the floor and eating with their hands for once!  And I shut off the lights and lit a few candles, and they loved that too. Christmas gets so crazy with all the things that start to seem like must-haves.  Including the fancy tree and presents.  Yet sitting on the floor, eating basic food with our hands, remembering the humble circumstances surrounding what I want my kids to see as the real reasons for our celebrating Christmas (this is just my family!  Christmas can mean different things to different people, or maybe your family celebrates Hanukkah or Kwanzaa).  It brought the simplicity home.  And that special Christmas feeling sunk into all hearts.  And it brought so much into perspective-- just how much we have to be thankful for.  (we joked that at least we weren't sitting on a dirt floor outside!)

When we were finished we watched these beautiful Luke 2 videos. 

Things got really quiet and a little more somber, for lack of a better word.  I knew they were thinking.  The Spirit of Christmas was really strong and quiet.

We exchanged our little handmade gifts.

 And we topped it off by having pie and milk in the kitchen.

O Holy Night.

This dinner was my idea, my husband is supporting me by making sure people feel authentic.  If a brown or pink towel make you feel authentic.

It's a good thing I'm taken, or I'm sure they'd be knockin' down the door about now after seeing me in this photo.

 My father-in-law graciously accepted the task of making this dish.  Probably much more "authentic" than I would have.  He is a great cook-- it was yummy.

 Huh!  Didn't notice Bob Cratchit carrying his little Tiny Tim in the bottom of this photo until now.  Perfect for Christmas Eve dinner.

 Paper plates extra authentic, too.

 And a little boy who is much more interested in cup stacking than dinner.  Maybe the tights around his waist have affected his appetite.

Funny Little Sayings, Take 22

Some funny little sayings around here lately.

E., who is now 19 months (not fair, going too fast I tell you), and who has never been interested in more than a lick of TV (5 minutes his whole life), has suddenly become obsessed with Bob the Builder.  He usually finishes out the night in our bed, or I finish out the night on the floor next to his bed, so I know the first things that come out of that little cute mouth.  One morning, while he was still in the act of sitting up, bleary-eyed, he said: “Bob!  Maia.”  Then he ran breathlessly off to his sister’s room, found her in bed and said “Maia!  Bob!  ‘Mon! (come on!)” with the cutest little fingers- curling-toward-his-little-chubby-wrist gesture.  He has learned to enlist his sisters any time he wants to watch “Bob,” which is a lot.  The morning after his first Bob awakening, the first thing out of his mouth was “YEH HE TAN! ("yes he can!" from “can he fix it?  Yes he can!”...said right before he tumbled off the bed to go find his sister)  Right now he swaps out all his “c” sounds for “t” sounds, so car is “tar,” you get the picture.  It is so stinkin’ cute. 

My three year-old had a dream that she grew a mustache and couldn’t remove it.  Then she ate a red  tortilla chip and her whole body turned red (not her clothes, she said with great emphasis, just her skinnn).   She turned purple when she ate a purple chip; even the underside of her tongue was purple.  This is the same child who just asked for a bow and arrow for her birthday (more later this week). :)

This same three year-old, taking a cue from her older sister, asked for a pony for Christmas.  When I gave her the same answer I had given her sister (maniacal laugh), she said "okay, then, I'll take a baby horse.  Not a wicked (she is the one who added the emphasis, not me) baby horse, a nice baby horse, that I can ride on." (where in the world did she learn the word "wicked"?)

This very same girl, just last night, prayed that she wouldn't have any bad dreams-- she prayed that she would only have dreams about something cute or funny.  Just moments before, in our family prayer, she prayed that her tooth wouldn't "get blood."  Thats it, the end.  The bloody tooth was the whole prayer. (sisters with minor flossing trauma a few minutes beforehand)

My nine year-old is getting over a case of strep throat, poor girl.  When we drove to the pharmacy, she noticed a new building being erected.  She asked me what it was for.  Then she said, “don’t they know they are killing like 40,000 animals?  ……Including the fleas?”  I didn’t know that she cared about the plight of animals or fleas, for that matter, or connected the dots in regards to building and animals, but I was pretty impressed. (maybe she witnessed me hyper ventilating when we went for a beautiful drive along some wetlands and saw a bunch of duck hunters carrying whole giant burlap bags full of dead ducks!  I couldn't handle this sight--ducks?  Why ducks?  But not to worry, gatekeeper man told us, there is a plethora of ducks because we are taking all of their habitats, so they would be dead anyway....stab me to the heart, why don't ya?  Ducks?  I love ducks!  Go ahead and kill the deer (with moderation, mind you, and then only if you are going to eat them), but not the ducks!  My husband had a good laugh at my expense, seeing as this was my first time even realizing that real, modern people hunted ducks by the dozen like that)

I'm kind of a softie when it comes to killing things (see here.)

Well Filling

Night was falling, and in that sweet blue-ish haze, the moon was clear and bright; I was driving in my little car with the windows down as people switched on the glow of electric lights that diffused golden stars through the twilit night.  Frank Sinatra was singing to a brass band "Fly Me to the Moon."  I had chosen to leave my kids home with my husband while I ran to the store for a few minutes; it refreshed me and reminded me of the list I'd started about things that fill my well, things that keep it full so I can keep trying each day to be a better parent.  Some of the things on my list surprised me:

1.  Time alone
2.  Volunteering at the school
3.  Travel
4.  Exercise
5.  Spending quality time with my kids
6.  Dates with husband
7.  Reading a good book
8.  Blogging
9.  Nostalgia of old pictures/videos
10. Feeling pretty
11.  Being in remote natural places like the mountains or the beach
12.  Playing games late at night with extended family....we love Wildlife Adventure :)
13.  Laughing (see here)...I get a huge lift from listening to Car Talk on NPR just because the guys are so fun, and not because I'm that interested in cars.
14.  Time with friends
15.  Organizing something
16.  Cleaning or cooking can be enjoyable if the circumstances are right
17.  Having a clean house
18.  Any humanitarian work or service
19.  I just learned that I love being involved at the caucus level in politics!  Feel like John Adams for a day while still being a mom the rest of the time. 
20.  Listening to/reading great journalism.  (ie, Wall Street Journal)
21.  Going to church & having a close relationship with God.
22.  Building and using talents-- music is a big one for me

The reason I'm surprised by some of these is that I typically think of well-re-fillers as requiring little work or giving me time away from my responsibilities, but I've noticed that doing meaningful things, like service or time with the kids, actually gives me a huge jolt of happiness and the motivation to be better (if done with balance). 

As part of my project this month I'm working on getting more organized so I can clear the way for some of the more fun things on my list.  I've noticed that organization plays a big part in how positive I can be with my kids: on crazy days or in chaotic moments its much harder to be patient and kind.

What unexpected thing fills your well?

Family Night - Hard Work

This month I tried to think about how to help my kids really value work.  I thought back in my own life to an experience that changed my heart about the value of work.

I have pushed this part of my past aside often because I regret having spent so much time on sports.  I wish I'd spent it on something that lasted a little longer, like school. 

So my kids have rarely heard me talk about these experiences.  I dug out some old mementos I'd saved in dusty cardboard boxes that smelled of yellow paper and the past.

I gave them each one of these things to hold (my husband was working late). 

They were so cute, my little 3 wanted the "necklace," and promptly put it on, and others turned the papers or jar over in their hands with wondering looks.

I told them the story of a little girl who was once the worst player on her soccer team.  She was also the one panting the hardest at the back of the pack any time conditioning or longer distance running were done, resenting every minute of it.  Yes, it was me. 

Then one day, in high school, she read an article about a young cross country runner named Rosy Gardner (full article here), who worked so hard the football coaches at her high school often wished they could pour some of her energy and grit into their players.  She did two-a-days, her first one at 5:20 am each day, rain or shine.  At one point, a trainer had to practically physically carry her to get her feet looked at -- she had peeled off blood-encrusted socks (from blisters) in preparation to run (again) with her team that day (I admired this a lot at the time, ha ha).  Not only that, but Gardner was a pleasant, humble, well-liked student.

I was so inspired by this story as a young teenage athlete that I cut out the article and kept the front page pinned to my bedroom wall or bulletin board for several years.  It inspired me to work harder.  I improved so much in soccer that I went from the worst on my team to second-team all state.

In track, I tried to imitate Rosy by pulling two-a-days and doing gut wrenching work-outs, even in the rain or on holidays.  My senior year, I counted down the last 100 days with little white papers taped to my closet door to remind me of how little time I really had to prepare for the state championship.  Each day, I'd pull down a paper and write down what I did for training that day.  Then I put them in a jar.

When the Regional Championships came around, I toted my little Tang bottle with me to the meet for moral support.  If nothing else, I knew I had given my all.   I knew I was racing someone who ran two seconds better than my best time (that is a lot).  When we rounded the bend, 200 meters into our 300, I was ahead of her but she started to pull up as if to pass me.  I gritted my teeth, the days running in the rain, the times of sacrifice, alone in the early dark, practicing hurdles until I had bruises all over my knees-- all these flashed through my mind, and I hung tight.  Clearing that last hurdle took the last ounce of my strength.  I won by a tiny bit, beating my best time by two seconds.  That day, I stood on the stand in the "1" position for the first time.

More than that, I knew that no matter the outcome I had won, because I had bettered myself and done all I could do.  My proudest achievement was not to be known as the fastest runner, but as someone who wasn't trying in every way possible to cut corners, but as someone who gave her all.  (this is good to remember!  I can do it!  I can work hard!)

Here is a poem I wrote in high school about the overall experience:


The Road

Silently
the footsteps fall
on the wet pavement,
The snow
Beats a slow
Rhythm
On a veiled world,
The streetlight
Illuminates the quiet darkness
As the feet move
Slowly on.
Days turn into weeks,
Yet the slow footsteps
Continue through
The moods of the season,
Drawing strength from
Their silent pilgrimage.
The steps retreat for a moment
And record forever
The image of a blue-gold sky
And the snow
Falling
In the mountains.
I ran the road
Alone,
Expecting only
To conquer myself.
The work
And the sacrifice
And the moments of silent repose
Are mine
Forever.


My kids were strangely quiet as I related these events and had one of them read the poem.

I told them my wish for them would be not to do what I had done, by pouring their best efforts and energies into sports and competitiveness (though these have their place), but into school and service.   I told them that working hard would be one of the most important things they will ever learn.

Then we had a closing prayer.  My little nine year-old said a sweet, thoughtful prayer, and closed it with "and we're thankful that Mom is our mom."

Teaching Siblings How to Get Along & Reducing Sibling Rivalry

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

--Bill Cosby



Before I had kids, I thought that kids either got along, or they didn't.  And I thought that fighting siblings was just going to be part of the parenting territory, something to be expected.

Then my first two kids surprised me.  They just got along so well, right from the first.  Even if my older son was a bit, shall we say, enthusiastic, in his love for little sister?

I learned a few things, I'm convinced, completely by accident.  Because my kids fight way less than I ever expected them to (they still fight, trust me, but they are good buddies most of the time).   Others I learned from some wonderful seasoned mothers that I still feel so grateful to!  So, take them or leave them, here they are.

1)  Start from birth.

I know this can be hard, but involve older siblings in the care of the new baby.  Approach baby care tasks as a team when appropriate.  My older kids have enjoyed helping to bathe baby, coax out first smiles, or just gaze in wonder at new little sister.  As they bond to their new sibling as partnered with their bestie, Mom, it will increase your bond too, as long as you don't totally ignore the older child's needs.  I still gooed and gahed at my babies, but I tried to do it sensitively (look at her beautiful eyes!  lets look at yours now too!), and tried not to treat big bro or sis as a nuisance (I definitely felt it sometimes!).  It can be hard to be patient with an enthusiastic sibling (and protect that baby!  don't do anything outside of safety guidelines), but being patient with their form of love will pay off.  I tried to let baby be my guide (as advised by a very wise mother who I am still thankful to!).  If older sibling is doing something annoying, but the baby is not crying (it shocked me, but sometimes baby is even smiling!), don't intervene.  Just step in to protect baby from harm (this will also help relations, as baby will feel safe, knowing you will protect him/her), or if baby seems fussy or overwhelmed by big bro.

2)  Avoid comparisons, including words with "er" or "est."

This can become a habit before you know it!  I try not to use comparing words, like pretti-er, fast-est, etc. because they are comparing words that place people in a hierarchy.  Fast-est implies that someone is faster than someone else.  I just say pretty, or fast.  If I have to use comparing words, I use them for only that child-- "you are my favorite Ava in the whole world!" (we don't know any other Avas) rather than "you are the fastest girl in the world!"  I don't want my kid to define success as being relative, nor do I want him/her to feel my love is conditioned on performance, especially in relation to their own family.

Might seem finicky, but it works.

3)  Don't encourage competition between siblings.

Again, learned from a friend who learned this the hard way.  In her case, she would motivate her kids to get ready for bed by making bed prep a race-- with each other.  Her kids are now in their twenties and still don't get along super well, as they define success as being "better" than the other one!  My friend lamented about this long after it was too late to change it.  If we must race, I will have them race a parent or the clock.  But I try (not perfectly!) not to put them in competition with each other, as this sets up the inevitable loser for whining and jealousy that is often directed at the winning sibling.

4)  Give each child plenty of love and attention.

I know, I know!  Easier said than done.  But my kids behave the best when they've gotten enough love and attention from me.

5)  Don't play favorites.  In addition to obvious psychological damage, the jealous child will take out feelings of lowered self worth out on the favorite child.

6)  Teach them how to communicate.

Teach them how to ask kindly for a toy or a turn. They really aren't born knowing, in spite of my early misconceptions. :) Also, teach them words that they can use when they are frustrated or upset.  It is important that you validate their point of view, even if you feel a bit threatened by an emotion like anger ("you are angry.  You wanted a turn with that toy and it hurt your feelings when Suzi wouldn't share it with you.").  When you validate a child's point of view, she will be less likely to make herself heard by amping up the noise level or using some other odious means of showing that she is truly upset.  I will often ask my kids to take a first step of communicating to a playmate or sibling their frustration ("Go back and tell Suzi--I felt bad when you took my toy.  Can I have it back please?"), before I get involved.

I don't punish my kids for tattletale-ing, unless it is egregious or mean-spirited, but I do often provide a listening ear and some suggestions for them to try before I get involved.  I don't punish telling in part because I want to make sure I'm helping the other sibling learn, too (no way do I want the other  child to get away with taking toys right and left!  I am responsible for teaching him/her too).

7)  Teach them how to share.

Again, you can start from a young age.  Make a game out of it.  I give this to you, and you give it back.  Then make a big deal when they do share, clapping and hooray-ing.  Try to notice and praise sharing in regular play too.

8)  As long as no one is in immediate danger of death or dismemberment, give them a minute to work it out.  Working out conflict might be unpleasant to listen to but it teaches them an important life skill.  Unless, see below.

9)  Don't tolerate hitting, name calling, belittling, toy-taking, aggressive or bullying behavior.  I enjoyed this blog post: "Boys Will Be Boys: Is it Sibling Fighting or Bullying?"

I personally don't think bullying (don't be in denial, even if they are "good at heart!") should ever be tolerated.  We must stick up for our kids, for they have no way to escape a bullying brother or sister.  Bullying isn't always physical in nature, either.  It can include name calling, put downs, exclusion, to name a few.

10) Consequences.

Some of the biggies for me are: no hitting (immediate time out for anything physically aggressive), no toy taking (the toy must be returned immediately, even if I must pry it from their cold dead fingers), no name calling (time out).  It is pretty amazing just how many fights stem from these three behaviors.

11)  Negative behaviors like this respond best to consistency.  

Every time one yells, hits, or takes a toy, if he/she consistently receives an unemotional consequence (though I do like to offer a little "I love you" and maybe a hug on the way to time-out), the behavior will be drastically reduced if not eliminated.  (consistency! ha!  I can't believe I'm talking about consistency!  my arch enemy!  but for some reason, I can be more consistent with aggressive behavior, because it pushes my mothering buttons big time)  Consistency will really pay off with better behavior in the long run.

12)  Catch them doing something good.

Sometimes it is hard to praise our kids for playing well.  Because we want to tiptoe around and whisper, afraid to upset this beautiful status quo because we need a little break or we need to get to those crusty last-night dishes.  But it is important to reinforce good behavior with positive attention (The Power of Positive Parenting, Latham, teaches that behaviors that are paid attention to, good or bad, are reinforced).

Give attention when things are going well.  If you only pay attention when there is a problem or a fight, and your child isn't getting enough positive attention, she will learn that the best way to get your attention is to pull Suzi's hair or take Suzi's toy.

13) Demonstrate alternatives when a sibling is being aggressive. 

After a time out, I will often have the perpetrator hug the offended sibling.  Sometimes I will demonstrate acceptable forms of contact by taking his/her hand in mine and showing him how to pat a sibling gently on the shoulder or back or head, in place of more aggressive actions.  :)

Or we will rehearse the verbage needed in a conflict situation.  Teach them how to use words to ask for a turn with a toy or in explaining to the other child why his feelings were hurt.

14)  When more diplomatic measures have failed, put a fought-over toy in time out.  (be prepared for a tantrum!  but better behavior afterward)

Or use a timer to enforce a pre-determined sharing schedule.  I have a couple of non-sharers.  They would never choose to share of their own free will.  So if they have a toy and someone else wants a turn, I will set the timer for a few minutes for each child.  After a couple of turns they usually lose interest in the toy.  It is easy to argue with mom, but hard to argue with a timer.

15)  Teach by example-- keep your voice down, don't spank.  

When I'm in a bad mood, I often notice my kids lashing out more at each other.  Studies have shown that kids who are spanked are more likely to act in physically aggressive ways.

16)  Make sure they get plenty of rest and are offered regular meals.

My kids are more emotional and more likely to take little slights personally when they are tired or hungry.

17)  Listen.  

Like Atticus Finch.  With no preconceptions and without rushing to judgement in order to get this over with.

Here is a funny story (#3) about how Bill Cosby reacted to a fight between his kids.  He said: "Parents aren't interested in justice, they're interested in quiet!"

 I'm surprised what I learn when I just listen instead of simply trying to earn peace at any price.  (lets face it, we are all tired sometimes, no matter how idealistic the parenting books make it sound, and I know I have been guilty once in a while of pretending I didn't see something just so I wouldn't have to deal with it!)

18)  Focus sympathy on the victim, put the perpetrator in time out, unemotionally, with little fanfare.

19)  Its okay to let them work it out if no one is in immediate danger (no name calling, hitting, etc).  Just listen and see how things play out before intervening.

20) Spend quality bonding time together as a group.  



If your children are always rushing off in different directions, to lessons and playdates and sports games, they don't have time to bond.  Make sure you have some unscheduled down time so they can just play.  Sibling relationships will last much longer than that soccer trophy or the playmate on the corner.

Vacations are a lifeline in this sense for me too.  We go on one vacation a year, and it is like a religion to me. We really grow closer through shared experiences, good and bad.

Another small thing that has helped us is having a nightly family prayer/scripture reading activity (very, very short).  Having daily times when the whole family is together provides grounding moments just as a lightning rod grounds a harmful electrical charge.  It gives a child a sense of togetherness, stability, and belonging. (Have you read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn?  It amazed me how much those children thrived by reading one page out of the Bible and one page of Shakespeare each day as a family)

21)  Teach them to serve each other.

Write a kind note to one child  (or do something unexpectedly nice) and involve a sibling as a helper.  I have found that once I have done this a couple of times my kids will instigate acts of kindness without my prompting (this comes back to you, too!).  

21)  A little empathy goes a long way.

Try to put yourself in your child's shoes.  Try to see what her worries and fears are.  Imagine what it must be like to be her for a day.  Sometimes I can figure out why a particular child is lashing out at another one, when I see the pressures or challenges she faces, challenges that may be totally unrelated to the sibling being lashed out at.  (also, when I think of toy sharing, I wonder how I would feel if my neighbor just walked over, pulled me out of my driver's seat, and sped away with my car, one reason I won't tolerate toy-taking)

In addition, I try to help a frustrated sibling, in private, understand what is going on in her brother's world for example.  I might explain to her that he is struggling with a teacher at school, or he didn't make the soccer team, that he is sad inside and we just need to be extra patient with him right now.  I'm amazed at how these little chats will diffuse anger and increase empathy and understanding among siblings.

*****

Kids need a chance to learn how to work things out on their own, but there are also times kids need to be taught how to get along!  Plain and simple.  Also, if children learn that they are "safe"-- that you won't allow them to be pushed around, they have higher self esteem and are more likely to handle conflict with clear heads and kind hearts.

Now I know some of this post may seem contradictory.  Intervene, don't intervene, teach them how to get along, but don't give too much attention to negative behavior.  Don't worry!  You'll figure it out.  You are not perfect, and neither are your kids.  Some kids just get along better than others, no matter what you do.  But there are also plenty of things you can do to improve the odds!  The things they are learning in this crucible called family will help them with communication, conflict resolution, empathy, and relationships the rest of their lives.

You will still have bad days.  But I hope these suggestions will help you as they have helped me, to reduce and eliminate some common causes of sibling rivalry so your house can be a more peaceful place to be!

Is there anything I missed?  How do you help your kids get along?

Dearest ones, I will be gone tomorrow!  Until next week!

Fab Fourth

We began the Fourth at home, with grandparents, puzzles, ping-pong, Hugo, and a grill.  Next came an impromptu family outing through some beautiful country (I'd had a bad night the night before, didn't comb my girls hair, darn it... best picture spot ever!  Though they are still dang cute).   Then pizza in a foreign town parked sideways (9pm, no one there) with the doors open and pizza on the hood of the car, as kids trailed in and out to get drinks.  Ended on a quilt-square blanketed lawn with friends and chocolate chip cookies under streaming neon colors as baby said "pow, pow, pow."  Does it get much better?

                                                                 I love those chubby legs!