Dearest friends, I am taking a few days off. I have some posts I'm working on, I'll be back next week! Believe me, I will miss you!
Until then, enjoy a few links:
Design Mom has some cute egg painted cartons and other fun Easter-related stuff here.
This woman, who survived a plane crash and burns over 80% of her body, is such a great example of a dedicated mother (one way she helped motivate herself to survive through a very long and painful recovery) and someone who is courageous and positive in the face of extreme hardship.
And these two, just for fun. Here is a lifestyle blogger who went to Harvard with my sister. She has a cute personality and helps those of us fashion-challenged people know what goes together and that kind of stuff. And this one, a woman named Andrea, whom I found on Instagram. I have really come to love for her open, confident, friendly personality, her love of her family, and her fun sense of style. And she always responds to my comments in a friendly way-- she is the real deal. The kind of person who sounds fun to go get some ice cream with or something.
I have some super talented friends whose blogs and ideas I'd like to share, I'm just thinking maybe I should check with them first (?).
I will miss you! Have a super happy week.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
A Few Things
We tried our morning routine for the first time this morning, and I wish I could say it went off without a hitch, but it didn't! Ha. The kids didn't wake themselves up, we barely ate breakfast as the bus was pulling away, which meant I had to take the kids to school (0 minutes to spare, but not late), and I forgot to pack lunches! Ouch. It turned out okay, because I had a few errands to run, so I got out of my PJ's and got my errands done and picked something up for the kids for lunch. I love eating with them at school and watching them show off the littlest ones to their friends and watching them interact with their friends and even -gasp!- girls (or boys, as the case may be). It was a gorgeous day and I watched as my two oldest took turns taking the baby down a shiny metal slide over and over and he ate it up and the sun was warm on my back and I felt so good watching them run around after such a long winter.
Even though the morning routine wasn't hitch-less, it was still good! My kids had their beds made before school for like the first time ever (not really, but close) and I didn't have to nag (okay, I did a tiny bit-- but mostly to remind them about the new routine!).
I can't remember if I shared this, but I learned the key to a routine is to keep whatever motivates them most for last. For us, that is reading (yes, I confiscated two books this morning, and I didn't feel bad, because I see it as helping them and not being the bad guy), breakfast, chess or news on the computer (for my oldest, the news has been especially fascinating lately), or a quick game with me.
So, I'd count it as a success. Just got to keep it going. :)
Even though the morning routine wasn't hitch-less, it was still good! My kids had their beds made before school for like the first time ever (not really, but close) and I didn't have to nag (okay, I did a tiny bit-- but mostly to remind them about the new routine!).
I can't remember if I shared this, but I learned the key to a routine is to keep whatever motivates them most for last. For us, that is reading (yes, I confiscated two books this morning, and I didn't feel bad, because I see it as helping them and not being the bad guy), breakfast, chess or news on the computer (for my oldest, the news has been especially fascinating lately), or a quick game with me.
So, I'd count it as a success. Just got to keep it going. :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Some Funnies
I feel like it's been a little hard-hitting around here lately. We need some fun stuff to liven up this boring blog.
Like the above photo-- I was trying to capture a cute little cars-playing moment when I was "caught" and cheesed for.
And this little girl wearing pants for the first time in millenia. Shh. I won't tell if you won't.
I have been saving my kids sayings on a notepad for a month to share them and now I can't find it! Darn. So here are just a couple I can remember (all those old ladies warn you that you will forget funny things your kids say if you don't write them down. In my mind I was picturing, you know, a lot of years elapsing between remembering and forgetting. What they didn't tell me is that I wouldn't remember the little sayings five minutes later.)
My four year old said to my seven year old: "Maia, I'm going to promise you something that's really nice of me."
When Ava was crying yesterday, E. (baby) said: "Ava is crying on her face."
Ava has come down with the dreaded Pink Eye. She kept asking me yesterday "is my eye still pink?"
If I find the others little sayings in my cluttery kitchen, you will be the first to know. :)
I hope you have a wonderful day!
If you are in need of additional laughs, check out this and this (making fun of politicians, and not completely "G" rated) and this (for all you Harry Potter fans out there).
Miracle of miracles, the baby has been sleeping in his own room, with a little help. I didn't think I could do it, and wahoo! Thar she blows.
Like the above photo-- I was trying to capture a cute little cars-playing moment when I was "caught" and cheesed for.
I have been saving my kids sayings on a notepad for a month to share them and now I can't find it! Darn. So here are just a couple I can remember (all those old ladies warn you that you will forget funny things your kids say if you don't write them down. In my mind I was picturing, you know, a lot of years elapsing between remembering and forgetting. What they didn't tell me is that I wouldn't remember the little sayings five minutes later.)
My four year old said to my seven year old: "Maia, I'm going to promise you something that's really nice of me."
When Ava was crying yesterday, E. (baby) said: "Ava is crying on her face."
Ava has come down with the dreaded Pink Eye. She kept asking me yesterday "is my eye still pink?"
If I find the others little sayings in my cluttery kitchen, you will be the first to know. :)
I hope you have a wonderful day!
If you are in need of additional laughs, check out this and this (making fun of politicians, and not completely "G" rated) and this (for all you Harry Potter fans out there).
Miracle of miracles, the baby has been sleeping in his own room, with a little help. I didn't think I could do it, and wahoo! Thar she blows.
Friday, March 15, 2013
In Honor of International Women's Day: Identifying Emotional Abuse
Okay, I'm like a week late over here. International Women's Day was last Friday. Better late than never, right?
I feel like this is an important topic because many women in emotionally abusive relationships don't know they are in one, for various reasons. While it is easy to identify physical abuse, because it leaves physical scars, emotional abuse can be much harder to identify because it is harder to put a finger on. In many instances, the abuser has successfully "gaslighted" his victim (though he is often unaware of his own actions)-- convinced her that she is to blame, or denied his actions in such a way as to cast doubt into the woman's mind that she didn't really see/hear/experience what she thought she did. She even begins to doubt her own worth under the constant barrage of criticism.
Abuse victims aren't always who we think they are. I know I often picture a certain "type" of couple in an abusive relationship, including demographic information. But emotional abuse can affect people within all levels of society, regardless of how well-off they seem or how polished or successful they appear on the outside.
I think it's also important, as a parent, to be aware of what constitutes emotional abuse so we can stay as far away from the line as possible in our relationships with our kids. We all have our bad days, for sure. And beating ourselves up over it doesn't do any good. If bad days greatly outnumber good days or one feels out of control, it's probably time to look for professional help.
So here we are.
Did you know that one of the first criteria in an emotionally abusive relationship is the need for one person to control the other (ha, just did a post on this). Control can take all sorts of forms, whether it be emotional blackmail (if you loved me, you'd do this for me), using guilt/blame/shame/pain to achieve a desired outcome, eliminating all options but one for what they deem "the most logical" reasons (even if the logical reasons don't make sense to you), subtle or overt domination, or financial control. It doesn't necessarily entail one spouse blankly telling the other what he/she may or may not do.
Another closely related characteristic is a posture of constant criticism. If a partner or parent is constantly finding fault, often over minor or insignificant things, that is emotionally abusive (this behavior lends to control, because it keeps the victim feeling off-guard, defensive, and defective, and therefore in a position to do what the abusive person wants).
I like the acronym FOG, found on this site. It stands for fear, obligation, and guilt. Many abusers use these three things to control or humiliate their partners or children. If you feel you are "walking on eggshells" most of the time around a loved one, often feel fear or intimidation, even if the things that make you feel that way are hard to pinpoint (a piercing look, a disgusted sigh, an aggressive act toward a possession or a child, or even the silent treatment or refusing to acknowledge your presence or requests). While some experience intimidation through aggressive and angry behaviors, others are intimidated through more subtle means. One that makes me shiver is the man who cleans his gun during an argument with his wife (this is an extreme example).
Here are just a few more examples of emotional abuse: treating spouse or peer as a child, trivializing someone's thoughts or feelings, denying wrongdoing when evidence is clear, flying off the handle at every little thing, blaming spouse for abuser's actions (if you didn't act that way, I wouldn't have to hit you), using put-downs, jokes, or sarcasm to belittle you, then tell you you are the one who is "too sensitive," frequently violate your boundaries, show a lack of empathy, show disrespect, control money, isolate one from friends and family, act jealous, act as if you are an extension of him/herself, neglect of spouse or children (including emotional neglect), are hyper-sensitive to criticism, saying they don't have control over their actions (yet physical abusers hit their wives only in private or where bruises won't be seen?), demanding, demeaning, or overly needy. Even if behaviors are difficult to pinpoint, a good indicator that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship is how frequently you feel badly around a spouse or partner.
It's important to know that many of these behaviors will probably alternate with good times or promises of change, flattery, or periodic apologies. During these times a victim may convince him/herself that things really will get better, or aren't as bad as they thought, or may even blame him/herself for the previous bad behavior by the abuser. Abusers can be attractive, successful, persuasive, and may have some great redeeming qualities. But that doesn't make the abusive behavior okay. It is important in these instances to look at overall patterns over the long term.
It's also important to realize that it isn't your fault. Abusers are adept at "projection" by which they push their guilt and shame on you (deep down inside, though they may not even recognize it, they feel a deep sense of shame and guilt, usually from a traumatizing event in childhood). It is important, if you suspect you are in one of these relationships, to carefully assess messages you've internalized over the years, and decide whether the guilt and shame you feel is indeed yours, or whether you've picked up your partner's guilt and negative emotions through transference (I've read many positive reviews about this book, which helps the abused sort out the behaviors from one another). Its also important to start to remember who you are, learn to set healthy boundaries (again, same book), get professional help (you can do it! you deserve it!), protect children from an abusive parent, see that while you may love your partner and see the good in him, you deserve to be treated with respect.
If you recognize these symptoms in yourself or a loved one, professionals recommend confiding in a close friend or family member as well as seeking professional help. You can even seek for a therapist who will do a free evaluation. Many churches offer help in locating a good professional, and may even help pay if finances are a problem. Some employers offer what is called an EAP- Employee Assistance Program- a free, confidential session with a professional who can help you find long-term help and even pay for a few sessions. Even if you have had dreams of being together on decisions, or hate to defy an intimidating partner, it is important to pay attention to your own needs and the needs of children in your care. One important thing is-- don't see yourself as hopelessly trapped! That is how an abuser wants you to feel. There are always options, and finding peace with some of your previously unconsidered options is an important step forward. That is not to say that things will never get better or that divorce is inevitable! It's not. But your happiness lies in your power, and not anyone else's. You can do it!
For me, I like to periodically pay attention to the clinical definition of abuse so that I can stay as far away as possible while raising my own kids. If you are interested in reading more, here are some specifics written by the professionals, defining emotional abuse. And here is a website that gives more details about child emotional abuse (there are a few more things specific to child emotional abuse).
I feel like this is an important topic because many women in emotionally abusive relationships don't know they are in one, for various reasons. While it is easy to identify physical abuse, because it leaves physical scars, emotional abuse can be much harder to identify because it is harder to put a finger on. In many instances, the abuser has successfully "gaslighted" his victim (though he is often unaware of his own actions)-- convinced her that she is to blame, or denied his actions in such a way as to cast doubt into the woman's mind that she didn't really see/hear/experience what she thought she did. She even begins to doubt her own worth under the constant barrage of criticism.
Abuse victims aren't always who we think they are. I know I often picture a certain "type" of couple in an abusive relationship, including demographic information. But emotional abuse can affect people within all levels of society, regardless of how well-off they seem or how polished or successful they appear on the outside.
I think it's also important, as a parent, to be aware of what constitutes emotional abuse so we can stay as far away from the line as possible in our relationships with our kids. We all have our bad days, for sure. And beating ourselves up over it doesn't do any good. If bad days greatly outnumber good days or one feels out of control, it's probably time to look for professional help.
So here we are.
Did you know that one of the first criteria in an emotionally abusive relationship is the need for one person to control the other (ha, just did a post on this). Control can take all sorts of forms, whether it be emotional blackmail (if you loved me, you'd do this for me), using guilt/blame/shame/pain to achieve a desired outcome, eliminating all options but one for what they deem "the most logical" reasons (even if the logical reasons don't make sense to you), subtle or overt domination, or financial control. It doesn't necessarily entail one spouse blankly telling the other what he/she may or may not do.
Another closely related characteristic is a posture of constant criticism. If a partner or parent is constantly finding fault, often over minor or insignificant things, that is emotionally abusive (this behavior lends to control, because it keeps the victim feeling off-guard, defensive, and defective, and therefore in a position to do what the abusive person wants).
I like the acronym FOG, found on this site. It stands for fear, obligation, and guilt. Many abusers use these three things to control or humiliate their partners or children. If you feel you are "walking on eggshells" most of the time around a loved one, often feel fear or intimidation, even if the things that make you feel that way are hard to pinpoint (a piercing look, a disgusted sigh, an aggressive act toward a possession or a child, or even the silent treatment or refusing to acknowledge your presence or requests). While some experience intimidation through aggressive and angry behaviors, others are intimidated through more subtle means. One that makes me shiver is the man who cleans his gun during an argument with his wife (this is an extreme example).
Here are just a few more examples of emotional abuse: treating spouse or peer as a child, trivializing someone's thoughts or feelings, denying wrongdoing when evidence is clear, flying off the handle at every little thing, blaming spouse for abuser's actions (if you didn't act that way, I wouldn't have to hit you), using put-downs, jokes, or sarcasm to belittle you, then tell you you are the one who is "too sensitive," frequently violate your boundaries, show a lack of empathy, show disrespect, control money, isolate one from friends and family, act jealous, act as if you are an extension of him/herself, neglect of spouse or children (including emotional neglect), are hyper-sensitive to criticism, saying they don't have control over their actions (yet physical abusers hit their wives only in private or where bruises won't be seen?), demanding, demeaning, or overly needy. Even if behaviors are difficult to pinpoint, a good indicator that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship is how frequently you feel badly around a spouse or partner.
It's important to know that many of these behaviors will probably alternate with good times or promises of change, flattery, or periodic apologies. During these times a victim may convince him/herself that things really will get better, or aren't as bad as they thought, or may even blame him/herself for the previous bad behavior by the abuser. Abusers can be attractive, successful, persuasive, and may have some great redeeming qualities. But that doesn't make the abusive behavior okay. It is important in these instances to look at overall patterns over the long term.
It's also important to realize that it isn't your fault. Abusers are adept at "projection" by which they push their guilt and shame on you (deep down inside, though they may not even recognize it, they feel a deep sense of shame and guilt, usually from a traumatizing event in childhood). It is important, if you suspect you are in one of these relationships, to carefully assess messages you've internalized over the years, and decide whether the guilt and shame you feel is indeed yours, or whether you've picked up your partner's guilt and negative emotions through transference (I've read many positive reviews about this book, which helps the abused sort out the behaviors from one another). Its also important to start to remember who you are, learn to set healthy boundaries (again, same book), get professional help (you can do it! you deserve it!), protect children from an abusive parent, see that while you may love your partner and see the good in him, you deserve to be treated with respect.
If you recognize these symptoms in yourself or a loved one, professionals recommend confiding in a close friend or family member as well as seeking professional help. You can even seek for a therapist who will do a free evaluation. Many churches offer help in locating a good professional, and may even help pay if finances are a problem. Some employers offer what is called an EAP- Employee Assistance Program- a free, confidential session with a professional who can help you find long-term help and even pay for a few sessions. Even if you have had dreams of being together on decisions, or hate to defy an intimidating partner, it is important to pay attention to your own needs and the needs of children in your care. One important thing is-- don't see yourself as hopelessly trapped! That is how an abuser wants you to feel. There are always options, and finding peace with some of your previously unconsidered options is an important step forward. That is not to say that things will never get better or that divorce is inevitable! It's not. But your happiness lies in your power, and not anyone else's. You can do it!
For me, I like to periodically pay attention to the clinical definition of abuse so that I can stay as far away as possible while raising my own kids. If you are interested in reading more, here are some specifics written by the professionals, defining emotional abuse. And here is a website that gives more details about child emotional abuse (there are a few more things specific to child emotional abuse).
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Helping Baby Sleep Through the Night and How It's Goin'
One of my initial goals for this month was to have my baby (not really a baby anymore, more of a toddler, I'm just in denial) sleep through the night in his own bed. Is it happening? Nah.
For one thing, we were both super sick the week I was supposed to be doing that. And for another, this ole' heart just ain't ready for it. I'm ready to get some sleep, but I'm just not quite ready to let go! What is my problem?!?
I did take a sleep training course recently. It was good. I thought I'd share what I learned, even if I'm not practicing it quite yet. The course was taken from Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber. I read this book back in the dinosaur ages. It helped me help my other kids sleep through the night. I realized that while I'm not quite ready to help my little one do this, maybe there are some new parents out there who are looking for sleep solutions for their little ones like I was when I was a new mom.
For me, the ideal time to start trying to sleep train my babies was around five to six months. They learn pretty quickly at this age, and they still can't pull up (ah, those poor babies who can pull up can't quite seem to figure out how to let themselves back down, though they do when they are tired enough. they are definitely sleep train-able, but it's a tiny bit harder), and, by this age, they should be getting enough calories during the day to last them through the night.
Below I've outlined the technique which has been very effective in getting my other kids to sleep through the night. The question to ask yourself is: am I a worse mother during the day because I don't sleep at night? Is my child's learning or growth or mood affected because he or she is not sleeping well? Does lack of sleep pose any safety risks for me or my child? When one of my babies was a newborn, she was getting up four times a night and was awake at least an hour for one of those. She would cry if I wasn't walking around with her. She was a great baby during the day, but I was so zombie-like that I was not effective during the day, and it all really hit home one day when I nearly got in an auto accident because I was so sleepy. In short, it was a problem. I realized I would be doing us both a big favor by helping her learn to sleep through the night.
When my oldest child was a baby, I tried letting him cry it out cold turkey. It was super hard. It didn't work very well, and I wasn't very consistent (part of the problem). I was fraught with anxiety over by baby's crying (as was my husband, in a different way).
Here is what I learned with subsequent babies.
1. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page before doing any sleep training. If you are not, it's probably not going to work. (And if you are not, I have had to give my husband an ultimatum before-- I know you don't like the crying, but I'm exhausted, so if you don't think you will be able to sleep on "x" nights while I let baby cry, then there is a couch downstairs. Lol.)
2. Make sure you are mentally and physically prepared before doing sleep training. And make sure baby isn't sick or going through any major upheavals like a move or cutting his first molars.
3. Make sure baby's bed is safe-- follow current guidelines on crib bumpers, stuffed toys, pillows, proper mattress placement, crib safety, etc. This will give you peace of mind during those heart wrenching crying spells (you can do it! and baby can do it! don't let this scare you! you'll both be fine), since you will be feeling plenty of other anxiety for a few nights.
4. Plan on sleep training taking anywhere from 2 nights to a week. (some of my babies had it down in 2 nights! so hope for the best, plan for... a little more)
5. Make sure your child is well-fed and changed before hand, and his or her room at a comfortable temp. I try to think ahead at this point. Since the child will most likely end up out of her covers, are her PJ's warm enough to allow her to sleep without a blanket (and it will undermine the program if you have to sneak in and cover her up)?
6. Put your child to bed at the time he normally falls asleep, after a consistent bedtime routine (with plenty of time to unwind, say 30 min).
7. All the things I've ever read say to put the child to bed sleepy but awake. No sleep crutches like rocking to sleep, lying with them till they are asleep, or nursing them to sleep. This is because the circumstances that help them fall asleep, they turn to in the middle of the night to help them fall asleep again (since we all wake multiple times at night, we just don't often remember). Therefore, if they are always rocked to sleep then they will wake and want to be rocked. Ferber likens this to an adult waking up and finding his pillow missing. He would find it difficult to fall asleep until the pillow was located. That said, I have still nursed my young babies to sleep. I can't bring myself to wake them up. And its no biggie. I have still sleep-trained them just fine.
8. When the baby starts to cry, whether that is at the initial point of putting her down or later in the night, wait five minutes, then go in and reassure her. I like to lay the child back down, put the blanket back on, smooth her hair, pat her, and tell her that she is going to be okay, with loving and reassuring eye contact (even if you are all torn up inside!). After 30 seconds or so, I leave the room.
9. Gradually increase the time between visits from a parent (one parent per night, however you want to do it, just keep the same person for a whole night at a time). So after an initial visit of 5 minutes, you could go back in ten, then fifteen, then twenty. If the child sounds like he is almost asleep, I wait and see (and don't go in), even if it is about time for me to go in again. If I go in when the child is starting to self-settle, it just re-starts the crying all over again. Usually this is a sign the child is about to go to sleep.
10. Repeat this for every night waking for as many nights as it takes to sleep train (a video I watched suggested gradually decreasing the wait times for subsequent nights). If the child still isn't sleeping after a week, it might be worth a trip to the doctor to rule out other possibilities.
11. White noise. Sometimes its helpful to have a fan or close your bedroom door (I don't like to completely close the child's door, as I don't want to scare him/her), or something else to block the sound of the crying. The sound just makes you anxious, and the more edgy you feel the more likely you are to break the rules, which doesn't help the child. It is very important to be consistent. (I also found it easier for me if my husband could sleep. If I was feeling anxious that he was not sleeping, I was more tempted not to follow through)
12. If the child throws up, or needs a diaper change, then do it quietly without fanfare in the dark, and put the child back to bed.
13. If the child shares a room with a sibling, no worries. The sibling will probably sleep through it all (mine did! Its crazy!). If they don't, consider letting the sibling sleep in a different room for a few nights.
14. After your child is sleep trained, if he suddenly starts waking again, do the same thing. Check them at alternating intervals (its nice to make sure nothing is wrong, like an illness). The hard work is over at this point, and the crying should only last a very short time.
I found this method to work like a charm for all of my kids when they were under the age of 18 months. One of my babies only cried for 15 minutes for two nights, then slept through the night after that (this was my four times a night child!). One of the keys is not to get all stressed out and anxious and either break the rules or give up early. I like this method so much better than cold turkey because it allowed me to check on my child, who I worry about (what if she is poopy? or hurt? or...something?), and it helps reassure both of us that she will be okay. It's like I'm saying, I'm still here, and you are okay and are going to be okay. And the child will be just fine! In a week she will seem to have forgotten all about it, and you will be happy, functional, and so will she.
For older kids that can climb out of a crib or a bed, McCready (of Positive Parenting Solutions) suggests installing a gate in the door way and treating it the same as if it were a crib. (and if the child can climb over one gate, she suggests installing two gates, one on top of the other)
FYI, we had our initial meeting about our new morning routine, and it went really well. It really helped to have both of us talk with the kids about it. Even though we still have to do our practice rounds, the kids have already been getting up earlier and getting chores done. I"ll let you know how it goes!
For one thing, we were both super sick the week I was supposed to be doing that. And for another, this ole' heart just ain't ready for it. I'm ready to get some sleep, but I'm just not quite ready to let go! What is my problem?!?
I did take a sleep training course recently. It was good. I thought I'd share what I learned, even if I'm not practicing it quite yet. The course was taken from Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber. I read this book back in the dinosaur ages. It helped me help my other kids sleep through the night. I realized that while I'm not quite ready to help my little one do this, maybe there are some new parents out there who are looking for sleep solutions for their little ones like I was when I was a new mom.
For me, the ideal time to start trying to sleep train my babies was around five to six months. They learn pretty quickly at this age, and they still can't pull up (ah, those poor babies who can pull up can't quite seem to figure out how to let themselves back down, though they do when they are tired enough. they are definitely sleep train-able, but it's a tiny bit harder), and, by this age, they should be getting enough calories during the day to last them through the night.
Below I've outlined the technique which has been very effective in getting my other kids to sleep through the night. The question to ask yourself is: am I a worse mother during the day because I don't sleep at night? Is my child's learning or growth or mood affected because he or she is not sleeping well? Does lack of sleep pose any safety risks for me or my child? When one of my babies was a newborn, she was getting up four times a night and was awake at least an hour for one of those. She would cry if I wasn't walking around with her. She was a great baby during the day, but I was so zombie-like that I was not effective during the day, and it all really hit home one day when I nearly got in an auto accident because I was so sleepy. In short, it was a problem. I realized I would be doing us both a big favor by helping her learn to sleep through the night.
When my oldest child was a baby, I tried letting him cry it out cold turkey. It was super hard. It didn't work very well, and I wasn't very consistent (part of the problem). I was fraught with anxiety over by baby's crying (as was my husband, in a different way).
Here is what I learned with subsequent babies.
1. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page before doing any sleep training. If you are not, it's probably not going to work. (And if you are not, I have had to give my husband an ultimatum before-- I know you don't like the crying, but I'm exhausted, so if you don't think you will be able to sleep on "x" nights while I let baby cry, then there is a couch downstairs. Lol.)
2. Make sure you are mentally and physically prepared before doing sleep training. And make sure baby isn't sick or going through any major upheavals like a move or cutting his first molars.
3. Make sure baby's bed is safe-- follow current guidelines on crib bumpers, stuffed toys, pillows, proper mattress placement, crib safety, etc. This will give you peace of mind during those heart wrenching crying spells (you can do it! and baby can do it! don't let this scare you! you'll both be fine), since you will be feeling plenty of other anxiety for a few nights.
4. Plan on sleep training taking anywhere from 2 nights to a week. (some of my babies had it down in 2 nights! so hope for the best, plan for... a little more)
5. Make sure your child is well-fed and changed before hand, and his or her room at a comfortable temp. I try to think ahead at this point. Since the child will most likely end up out of her covers, are her PJ's warm enough to allow her to sleep without a blanket (and it will undermine the program if you have to sneak in and cover her up)?
6. Put your child to bed at the time he normally falls asleep, after a consistent bedtime routine (with plenty of time to unwind, say 30 min).
7. All the things I've ever read say to put the child to bed sleepy but awake. No sleep crutches like rocking to sleep, lying with them till they are asleep, or nursing them to sleep. This is because the circumstances that help them fall asleep, they turn to in the middle of the night to help them fall asleep again (since we all wake multiple times at night, we just don't often remember). Therefore, if they are always rocked to sleep then they will wake and want to be rocked. Ferber likens this to an adult waking up and finding his pillow missing. He would find it difficult to fall asleep until the pillow was located. That said, I have still nursed my young babies to sleep. I can't bring myself to wake them up. And its no biggie. I have still sleep-trained them just fine.
8. When the baby starts to cry, whether that is at the initial point of putting her down or later in the night, wait five minutes, then go in and reassure her. I like to lay the child back down, put the blanket back on, smooth her hair, pat her, and tell her that she is going to be okay, with loving and reassuring eye contact (even if you are all torn up inside!). After 30 seconds or so, I leave the room.
9. Gradually increase the time between visits from a parent (one parent per night, however you want to do it, just keep the same person for a whole night at a time). So after an initial visit of 5 minutes, you could go back in ten, then fifteen, then twenty. If the child sounds like he is almost asleep, I wait and see (and don't go in), even if it is about time for me to go in again. If I go in when the child is starting to self-settle, it just re-starts the crying all over again. Usually this is a sign the child is about to go to sleep.
10. Repeat this for every night waking for as many nights as it takes to sleep train (a video I watched suggested gradually decreasing the wait times for subsequent nights). If the child still isn't sleeping after a week, it might be worth a trip to the doctor to rule out other possibilities.
11. White noise. Sometimes its helpful to have a fan or close your bedroom door (I don't like to completely close the child's door, as I don't want to scare him/her), or something else to block the sound of the crying. The sound just makes you anxious, and the more edgy you feel the more likely you are to break the rules, which doesn't help the child. It is very important to be consistent. (I also found it easier for me if my husband could sleep. If I was feeling anxious that he was not sleeping, I was more tempted not to follow through)
12. If the child throws up, or needs a diaper change, then do it quietly without fanfare in the dark, and put the child back to bed.
13. If the child shares a room with a sibling, no worries. The sibling will probably sleep through it all (mine did! Its crazy!). If they don't, consider letting the sibling sleep in a different room for a few nights.
14. After your child is sleep trained, if he suddenly starts waking again, do the same thing. Check them at alternating intervals (its nice to make sure nothing is wrong, like an illness). The hard work is over at this point, and the crying should only last a very short time.
I found this method to work like a charm for all of my kids when they were under the age of 18 months. One of my babies only cried for 15 minutes for two nights, then slept through the night after that (this was my four times a night child!). One of the keys is not to get all stressed out and anxious and either break the rules or give up early. I like this method so much better than cold turkey because it allowed me to check on my child, who I worry about (what if she is poopy? or hurt? or...something?), and it helps reassure both of us that she will be okay. It's like I'm saying, I'm still here, and you are okay and are going to be okay. And the child will be just fine! In a week she will seem to have forgotten all about it, and you will be happy, functional, and so will she.
For older kids that can climb out of a crib or a bed, McCready (of Positive Parenting Solutions) suggests installing a gate in the door way and treating it the same as if it were a crib. (and if the child can climb over one gate, she suggests installing two gates, one on top of the other)
***
FYI, we had our initial meeting about our new morning routine, and it went really well. It really helped to have both of us talk with the kids about it. Even though we still have to do our practice rounds, the kids have already been getting up earlier and getting chores done. I"ll let you know how it goes!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
A Little Disruption
I was sitting on the sofa yesterday, nursing the little one, when I happened to glance toward the other end, where there rested a well-used baseball, just sitting there peacefully.
But I wasn't necessarily feeling peaceful. I was feeling a little twinge-y and a little anxious. I was facing two looming disruptions to my little happy life. One, that my baby is getting too big to nurse any more. And another, that my oldest son has his junior high orientation at the school today. Two big reminders that whether I like it or not, these guys are growing up. Am I ready for the new territory we'll be treading? For all the wonderful, exciting, scary things a teenager faces through some turbulent growing years? (and is he? I hope so!) And am I ready to let go of babies? As special as it has been, that my time for babies is coming to a close? (I'm not completely ready to say this yet, just ask my husband, who faces tears every time he asks me if we can get rid of the baby clothes, swings, bassinets)
Yet, in some small ways, I am ready. I've donated my body to science for over 12 years now. I am ready to own it again, albeit in new form. I'm ready to have a little more energy. I'm ready to play with my kids as they grow. And I'm not, too. Its a good thing I still have a little time left. I'm ready to do some projects with fewer interruptions and to be able to do a few things I've been waiting for for years. And SO glad all my opportunities aren't gone just yet, to be a mom to these great kids, and that I need these little twinge-y reminders once in a while, as much as they are hard.
So I read this article by a very successful Wall Street investment banker about disrupting yourself in order to progress as a person and within a career. It made me think. These little times in life, when a disruption threatens to turn my world upside down, are an opportunity. An opportunity to look back and remember the good and the bad, to weave the threads into my soul, and appreciate how they have made me who I am. The regrets and the triumphs all lumped together. And if we don't have disruptions, then what is there to stop the spinning of the wheel, to see what has been made, to reassess, to go forward in new directions with new choices that can make the next period of time productive and sweet?
So even though I feel a little sad about some of the times that are gone, and the disruptions make me feel all funny inside, insecure and unsteady for a minute, I'm thankful for them. They also give me clarity, an opportunity to choose my life all over again, to make changes, and to make the best of this life and opportunities I've been given. To make sure I realize that worn baseballs won't be in the air forever, so I need to enjoy watching their flight while I can.
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