posting early again (schedule?)...:)...off to spend day with grandma.
looking at these pics...don't you just love summer? i love it.
do you have a favorite parade memory?
Monday, July 16, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Some Hard Workin' Notes
Thinking about my project today, it has stretched me, but I'm really happy with results so far. Here are just a few additional notes I'm taking as I try to teach my kids the value of work.
* Saving TV until 1pm each day has been really nice. I love the quieter morning with the sounds of kids playing together and not the guilty sound of the TV. :)
* Act energetic to feel energetic (I had been in a real energy rut)-- this actually works! (From "act the way I want to feel,"-- The Happiness Project by G. Rubin)
* Added an element to 1pm TV time-- if kids jobs aren't done by this time, they have one hour of quiet time in their rooms (not a punishment, but this way they're not tempted to watch TV, saves me a lot of mental/physical energy). So far, this has been a great incentive for them to hurry a little faster. If they miss this window, no TV that day (trying to prevent TV/computer time from stretching throughout the day as staggered kids finish jobs-- they always end up gravitating to whatever bro/sister are watching). I was worried that this would be hard for me-- sometimes TV is so nice when I want to get something done! But it has been fine and I have less guilt.
* I sat with the kiddos at breakfast one morning and introduced the "training program" a la The Parenting Breakthrough (Boyack gives kids a couple month's notice before training them in a job and after training it gets added to chore chart, this gives them time to process, watch you doing the job with no pressure). I thought they'd complain about this but they actually seemed excited to try some new things (who knew?). They asked for me to pull out the book so they could see the lists, and they wanted to write down some of the things on the list (ie, vacuum, make cakes, etc.). They were pretty cute about it. I was surprised. Who knew?
In conjunction with this I've tried to step back and let them do some things themselves that normally I wouldn't. The two oldest made pudding together today, after I showed them how to use the stove (only after making them take a vow they'll never use it when there is no adult present).
* Job jar-- I don't want jobs to be a punishment, since I want kids to value work. So I was hesitant to use the new job jar I'd created (has slips of papers with small jobs written on them). I have used it a little if I have had to ask someone more than twice to do something, or if I catch a child turning on the TV when it's not TV time, and it has helped a lot. I've been letting them choose two papers and then choose which one they'd rather do (same with "mystery motivators"). They seem to like this and it makes it a bit more palatable. Been referring to this jar as my energy re-filler-- any time they do something that takes energy from me (ie, if I have had to tell them multiple times to do something), they have to replace it (idea from Parenting With Love and Logic, jar idea from 71 Toes).
* Trying to be really firm about no friends or activities until jobs are done-- I thought I was already doing this but I must not have been as much as I thought. I've had to turn away friends (hard, but I have to remind myself, its out of love!-- I hope it will only take a few times). On this day, someones jobs weren't done when it was time to go have our fun day. I was mentally prepared to call a babysitter if need be, but the other kids helped her finish (another good thing to learn!).
Maybe all these things make me sound hard-nosed, but my actual problem is that I'm way too much of a softie! I tend to give in and bend rules and make exceptions all the time and it only adds to the chaos and doesn't help them because they don't have something consistent to stand on. Hoping consistency on my part will help them in the long run. :)
* Saving TV until 1pm each day has been really nice. I love the quieter morning with the sounds of kids playing together and not the guilty sound of the TV. :)
* Act energetic to feel energetic (I had been in a real energy rut)-- this actually works! (From "act the way I want to feel,"-- The Happiness Project by G. Rubin)
* Added an element to 1pm TV time-- if kids jobs aren't done by this time, they have one hour of quiet time in their rooms (not a punishment, but this way they're not tempted to watch TV, saves me a lot of mental/physical energy). So far, this has been a great incentive for them to hurry a little faster. If they miss this window, no TV that day (trying to prevent TV/computer time from stretching throughout the day as staggered kids finish jobs-- they always end up gravitating to whatever bro/sister are watching). I was worried that this would be hard for me-- sometimes TV is so nice when I want to get something done! But it has been fine and I have less guilt.
* I sat with the kiddos at breakfast one morning and introduced the "training program" a la The Parenting Breakthrough (Boyack gives kids a couple month's notice before training them in a job and after training it gets added to chore chart, this gives them time to process, watch you doing the job with no pressure). I thought they'd complain about this but they actually seemed excited to try some new things (who knew?). They asked for me to pull out the book so they could see the lists, and they wanted to write down some of the things on the list (ie, vacuum, make cakes, etc.). They were pretty cute about it. I was surprised. Who knew?
* Job jar-- I don't want jobs to be a punishment, since I want kids to value work. So I was hesitant to use the new job jar I'd created (has slips of papers with small jobs written on them). I have used it a little if I have had to ask someone more than twice to do something, or if I catch a child turning on the TV when it's not TV time, and it has helped a lot. I've been letting them choose two papers and then choose which one they'd rather do (same with "mystery motivators"). They seem to like this and it makes it a bit more palatable. Been referring to this jar as my energy re-filler-- any time they do something that takes energy from me (ie, if I have had to tell them multiple times to do something), they have to replace it (idea from Parenting With Love and Logic, jar idea from 71 Toes).
* Trying to be really firm about no friends or activities until jobs are done-- I thought I was already doing this but I must not have been as much as I thought. I've had to turn away friends (hard, but I have to remind myself, its out of love!-- I hope it will only take a few times). On this day, someones jobs weren't done when it was time to go have our fun day. I was mentally prepared to call a babysitter if need be, but the other kids helped her finish (another good thing to learn!).
Maybe all these things make me sound hard-nosed, but my actual problem is that I'm way too much of a softie! I tend to give in and bend rules and make exceptions all the time and it only adds to the chaos and doesn't help them because they don't have something consistent to stand on. Hoping consistency on my part will help them in the long run. :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Great Day #56
Planetarium, IMAX, museum.
Favorite activity of the day was doing a traditional Mexican dance in the museum. There was a touch-screen that allowed you to select a song then follow a dancer in traditional dress from a large mirror. Baby was dancing like crazy, little girls liked it too, and my oldest son even tried the male version. SO super fun and addictive!
Do you have any plans this weekend? Its been hot, but for some reason I haven't minded it. Do you have any activities you love to do when it's hot outside?
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Some Kitty Time
Posting early today because we have a fun day planned! What are you doing today?
We got some new kitties, they are so scared you can feel them tremble while they're being held (makes me feel so bad!). Trying to give them some good lovin' so they will start to love the world.
Beautiful evening, dad tinkering in the garage, baby's flat chubby feet making a slapping sound as he stumbled onto the wet pavement where a sprinkler rained down; he'd stand there for a minute with his head tipped in the spraying water, still as can be, processing the new feeling, then totter back onto the dry cement, little footprints evaporating like a sweet mirage.
Little girls made kitty toys, then flew them in the wind like kites; girl giggles ringing through the honey air. Little boy singing a playgroup song to his kitty: "soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...." He told me later-- "Mom, sometimes being soft-hearted causes me problems." I told him that is one of the things I like about him best!~
We got some new kitties, they are so scared you can feel them tremble while they're being held (makes me feel so bad!). Trying to give them some good lovin' so they will start to love the world.
Beautiful evening, dad tinkering in the garage, baby's flat chubby feet making a slapping sound as he stumbled onto the wet pavement where a sprinkler rained down; he'd stand there for a minute with his head tipped in the spraying water, still as can be, processing the new feeling, then totter back onto the dry cement, little footprints evaporating like a sweet mirage.
Little girls made kitty toys, then flew them in the wind like kites; girl giggles ringing through the honey air. Little boy singing a playgroup song to his kitty: "soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...." He told me later-- "Mom, sometimes being soft-hearted causes me problems." I told him that is one of the things I like about him best!~
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
On Being Needed
We had a rough day yesterday. For some reason, I had not one, but two little ones who both wanted to be held most of the day. Even after spending time together at a mom and tot music class in the morning. I'd try to get the baby playing on his own, and after just a few seconds he would come teetering into the kitchen like a little old drunken sailor, saying "ma," or "mommy!" Then he would rush into my arms with his outstretched and the happiest look on his face. Not really sad, just wanting for me to show him bugs and birds out the window. If I put him down, he'd cling to my legs and cry until I picked him back up.
My little three year-old, too, wanted my attention. I was trying so hard to be patient, mentally, since she is getting big and is heavy and hard to hold. Unlike her brother, she was really unhappy. I could tell she was mostly tired and needed my attention; she seems to get the short end of the stick sometimes, being in the middle of others whose needs often seem more urgent (feeding the baby or taking someone to school or soccer). I wanted to pay attention to her, but I had so many things I needed to get to-- my dishes, crumbs spread to kingdom come, and that pile of laundry in my room that seems to magically replace any clothes I remove.
Everywhere I looked, someone or something needed my attention, and it didn't feel like they were getting it.
I tried to be a good sport but I was frustrated and tired. Finally I put my little girl in her room for a while since she would whine every time I put her down. Soon she was quiet, so I went to check on her.
Her cute little dirty feet especially tugged at my heart. She is still little, and needs me, and I don't want to miss it.
Then I read this mom's post (made me especially teary) and this one. And I remembered that magical time with each of my newborn babies, alone in a hospital room, just us, that sweet newborn smell and soft little fuzzy brown head. Time seemed to stand still as my heart seemed so full it would burst. Each one was such a miracle. Each time I couldn't believe how blessed I was to be a mom again-- to have another perfect little angel in my care.
Those early days are so busy, changing and feeding and staring in awe at little fingers and toes and wide-mouth yawns. But now they are gone for me forever. No more quivering chin, tiny balled up body on my chest, no more little onesies to smell when they are asleep. It goes so fast.
Some day my laundry will be done, folded and put away, and my house will be quiet and still. My little ones will be off, independent, living their lives, and I'll be home in my clean house. And I'll pull out a little scrawled drawing, or a tiny onesie, or a worn-out photograph, and remember these special, crazy, chaotic days when little people needed me. Needed me to hold them and love them and tell them stories. Needed me to worry about them and calm their fears and listen to their stories. Needed me.
Even though there seems like there is not quite enough of me to go around some days, I'm so blessed to be the one everyone needs. Because its really me who needs them more than anything.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
A Night-time Conversation
Putting my kids to bed, all in one room (they love to have sleepovers in the summer, even if it means sleeping right on the floor with a blanket and pillow...btw, forget that schedule!), and the room was humming with bits of floating conversation. Frequently they all talk to me at once and don't seem to notice that others are also doing the same (do other people's kids do this?).
Here is how it went (roughly):
Six year-old: I don't want to get leprosy!
Me: Don't worry, I'm not even sure leprosy exists anymore, especially in our country [I've since apprised myself of the facts].
Nine year-old: Wouldn't it be cool to be a demi-god like Percy or Annabeth?
Me: Uh-huh.
Six wails: I don't want my skin to fall off!
Three year old: I love to choose the right.
Me: That's wonderful. [To my six] Honey, your skin is not going to fall off (where did she even learn about leprosy?).
Ten year-old: Mom, did you know some lizards squirt blood out of their eyes to protect themselves?
Baby: Nie, nie. (translation: light, light)
Me: Yes, that's a light. [To ten year-old] Wow, pretty cool.
Six year old: But how do you know my skin won't fall off (still in a really wail-y voice)?
Me: I promise you don't have leprosy and there is NO leprosy where we live.
Nine year-old: Mom, if you could be the daughter of a god, who would it be-- Poseidon, Zeus, or Athena? [she loves Percy Jackson]
Ten: And such-and such animals can eat ten times their body weight?
Six wails: But how do you KNOW?
Baby: blah, blah, mommy.
Me: I don't know much about Greek gods. Oh, you just said "mommy!" Honey, you are not going to die of leprosy this minute. You need to go to bed.
Six: But what if my fingers fall off? Is leprosy worse than frost bite? (someone told her about frostbite once and she wouldn't sleep then, either, worrying her fingers would fall off)
Ten: I saw a snake in our back yard digesting a mouse. You could see the tail and everything. [to six year-old] Leprosy does make your skin fall off (Wail!), but Mom's right. You probably won't get it.
Wow. Fun times. :) Part of the time she was calling leprosy "leopard-sy." Ha, ha.
Do your kids have any funny, irrational fears? Is it hard to keep a straight face?
Here is how it went (roughly):
Six year-old: I don't want to get leprosy!
Me: Don't worry, I'm not even sure leprosy exists anymore, especially in our country [I've since apprised myself of the facts].
Nine year-old: Wouldn't it be cool to be a demi-god like Percy or Annabeth?
Me: Uh-huh.
Six wails: I don't want my skin to fall off!
Three year old: I love to choose the right.
Me: That's wonderful. [To my six] Honey, your skin is not going to fall off (where did she even learn about leprosy?).
Ten year-old: Mom, did you know some lizards squirt blood out of their eyes to protect themselves?
Baby: Nie, nie. (translation: light, light)
Me: Yes, that's a light. [To ten year-old] Wow, pretty cool.
Six year old: But how do you know my skin won't fall off (still in a really wail-y voice)?
Me: I promise you don't have leprosy and there is NO leprosy where we live.
Nine year-old: Mom, if you could be the daughter of a god, who would it be-- Poseidon, Zeus, or Athena? [she loves Percy Jackson]
Ten: And such-and such animals can eat ten times their body weight?
Six wails: But how do you KNOW?
Baby: blah, blah, mommy.
Me: I don't know much about Greek gods. Oh, you just said "mommy!" Honey, you are not going to die of leprosy this minute. You need to go to bed.
Six: But what if my fingers fall off? Is leprosy worse than frost bite? (someone told her about frostbite once and she wouldn't sleep then, either, worrying her fingers would fall off)
Ten: I saw a snake in our back yard digesting a mouse. You could see the tail and everything. [to six year-old] Leprosy does make your skin fall off (Wail!), but Mom's right. You probably won't get it.
Wow. Fun times. :) Part of the time she was calling leprosy "leopard-sy." Ha, ha.
Do your kids have any funny, irrational fears? Is it hard to keep a straight face?
Things I'm Learning About Teaching Kids Work
The sun was blazing down around a small group of parents gathered in the measly shade of a small tree. I shielded my eyes from the sun as I watched another parent ask my son's new coach about a new training regimen. I had an inner panic attack. My son is getting old enough for "agility training?" Part of me thought, he is getting older and I'm not ready-- I want to hang on to my little boy for a few more minutes, and another part of me thought-- I don't want my son to have to go through this.
Why was I panicking? I had to wrestle with this little conflict inside me as we drove home in our blistering car, various little voices muted in the heat as I thought about my son and his future.
I thought about my urge to protect him-- an urge that started from the minute I discovered the tiny new life inside me. No mercury-tainted seafood, no strenuous exercise, no soft cheese, no kayaking, no cough syrup. :) These sacrifices seemed relatively small as I considered protecting and nurturing this young, developing life. Then as a tiny baby and later a growing child, protecting him from heat and cold and hunger, from anything that would harm his hearing, his development, his self-esteem?
Somehow I realized I've reached a point where the urge to protect him may not always serve either of us well. If I shield him from anything bad that can happen to him (within reason, of course), then nothing good may ever happen to him, a la Nemo. So instead of nurturing my protective instincts, or at least thinking them through before I use them, I need to suddenly change focus. Because hard things make us better. They prepare us for life. They give us skills. And self-esteem.
In everything I've read recently about teaching kids work, it is emphasized that parents who do too much for their kids are actually crippling them. And allowing them to have difficulties that they have to sort out helps them and gives them confidence, skills, and self esteem. Giving them difficult tasks, it's hard. I hate to watch mine struggle. But I need to let go of that if I really love them-- love them by giving them learning experiences.
In The Parenting Breakthrough, Boyack and her husband worked backward: they made a list of everything they wanted their kids to learn, then broke it up by year. (they have a list of what they wanted their sons to do by age)
For example, a few things a nine year-old should be able to do (taken directly from The Parenting Breakthrough):
mop a floor
clean pictures
bake cakes
bake cookies
fill car with gas
vacuum and wash a car
My ten year-old should be able to do laundry and mow the lawn.
(Here is a similar article with specifics by age.)
I also found a religious article (not sure which religion, but it was helpful) that stated God commanded Adam to eat his "bread" by the "sweat of his brow." No work, no eat. Isn't that the way it works in the real world? I thought about this-- in this case "bread" symbolizing money, and the article's author stating that children should not be given random money without work. They need to learn the principle that things are a result of work, they don't just magically appear.
Another great article here, about why kids in this age don't work as hard as kids on the farm. Her premise-- on the farm, if you don't work, you don't eat, because no crops are sown. And on farms, families work together.
Here are some other articles I found interesting or useful. This one is on the My Job Chart website-- great articles about teaching kids responsibility. This one is good, too, about allowance and chores. This one, called Helping Without Hovering, sums these thoughts up so beautifully and succinctly, I read it and cut it out of a magazine a while ago. One more here about how "hard work trumps talent every time." (I love the story of Harry Truman-- not college educated, yet one of the hardest workers I've ever heard of...he is one of my heroes for that reason alone) I love the book Parenting with Love and Logic for teaching responsibility, which reiterates over and over that the younger a lesson is learned, the smaller a price one pays to learn it (ie, wasting money at age 7 has relatively small consequences, while wasting it at age 30 does).
I was reminded recently of this poem by William Ernest Henly called Invictus. It inspired me during a hard time in my own life (here).
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Henly couldn't have developed the resourcefulness, determination, strength, courage, and self-belief that oozes from this poem without having had difficult or hard experiences that helped him discover his true strength. Qualities I want to help my kids develop. And they're not going to get them sitting on a couch. :)
Why was I panicking? I had to wrestle with this little conflict inside me as we drove home in our blistering car, various little voices muted in the heat as I thought about my son and his future.
I thought about my urge to protect him-- an urge that started from the minute I discovered the tiny new life inside me. No mercury-tainted seafood, no strenuous exercise, no soft cheese, no kayaking, no cough syrup. :) These sacrifices seemed relatively small as I considered protecting and nurturing this young, developing life. Then as a tiny baby and later a growing child, protecting him from heat and cold and hunger, from anything that would harm his hearing, his development, his self-esteem?
Somehow I realized I've reached a point where the urge to protect him may not always serve either of us well. If I shield him from anything bad that can happen to him (within reason, of course), then nothing good may ever happen to him, a la Nemo. So instead of nurturing my protective instincts, or at least thinking them through before I use them, I need to suddenly change focus. Because hard things make us better. They prepare us for life. They give us skills. And self-esteem.
In everything I've read recently about teaching kids work, it is emphasized that parents who do too much for their kids are actually crippling them. And allowing them to have difficulties that they have to sort out helps them and gives them confidence, skills, and self esteem. Giving them difficult tasks, it's hard. I hate to watch mine struggle. But I need to let go of that if I really love them-- love them by giving them learning experiences.
In The Parenting Breakthrough, Boyack and her husband worked backward: they made a list of everything they wanted their kids to learn, then broke it up by year. (they have a list of what they wanted their sons to do by age)
For example, a few things a nine year-old should be able to do (taken directly from The Parenting Breakthrough):
mop a floor
clean pictures
bake cakes
bake cookies
fill car with gas
vacuum and wash a car
My ten year-old should be able to do laundry and mow the lawn.
(Here is a similar article with specifics by age.)
I also found a religious article (not sure which religion, but it was helpful) that stated God commanded Adam to eat his "bread" by the "sweat of his brow." No work, no eat. Isn't that the way it works in the real world? I thought about this-- in this case "bread" symbolizing money, and the article's author stating that children should not be given random money without work. They need to learn the principle that things are a result of work, they don't just magically appear.
Another great article here, about why kids in this age don't work as hard as kids on the farm. Her premise-- on the farm, if you don't work, you don't eat, because no crops are sown. And on farms, families work together.
Here are some other articles I found interesting or useful. This one is on the My Job Chart website-- great articles about teaching kids responsibility. This one is good, too, about allowance and chores. This one, called Helping Without Hovering, sums these thoughts up so beautifully and succinctly, I read it and cut it out of a magazine a while ago. One more here about how "hard work trumps talent every time." (I love the story of Harry Truman-- not college educated, yet one of the hardest workers I've ever heard of...he is one of my heroes for that reason alone) I love the book Parenting with Love and Logic for teaching responsibility, which reiterates over and over that the younger a lesson is learned, the smaller a price one pays to learn it (ie, wasting money at age 7 has relatively small consequences, while wasting it at age 30 does).
I was reminded recently of this poem by William Ernest Henly called Invictus. It inspired me during a hard time in my own life (here).
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Henly couldn't have developed the resourcefulness, determination, strength, courage, and self-belief that oozes from this poem without having had difficult or hard experiences that helped him discover his true strength. Qualities I want to help my kids develop. And they're not going to get them sitting on a couch. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)