Dearest ones, I recently read an article by an overwhelmed mother of one, and it brought back memories. Sorry if this doesn't apply to you, but I'm sure I could have used it when I was a new mom! And I can still use the reminder-- a few of these are self-pep-talks --things I need to continue to work on!
It was the witching hour. You know, the one after school but before dinner, when all @#!*% seems to break loose in the life of a mom? My laundry was scattered into indistinct trampled masses all over my bedroom floor, with another load waiting to be tossed on top of the pile of doom, my dishes spread in either direction, emanating from a dirty sink; there were breadcrumbs and bits of seven-year old popped popcorn all over my floor, scattered amongst the toys, books, and even random things that don't belong in kid-land, but had nonetheless been requisitioned for some sort of play or craft project (my butchers twine? they pretty much think it belongs to them). I had one child laid out on the couch, reading as if nothing else were going on, oblivious to the craziness, like she was on her own desert island somewhere, another was trying to find his soccer stuff ("I've checked my drawers, your floor, and the laundry room and I still can't find my sock!" to which I answer-- "check the dirty clothes!"), one following me around with a dejected, mournful air because she isn't allowed to watch TV right now, and two others happily throwing toys around the room. And I'm thinking....ARRRRGGGG! I have 20 minutes to get some dinner made (pancakes again?), feed my son, and get him off to soccer (we can't be late for the 50th time in a row!). I have to make sense of this mess, which was clean just 24 hours ago (minus the laundry)! And suddenly my seven year old has pulled out the complete game of headbands right in the middle of the busiest section of walking area in between the dining room and kitchen, and is begging me to play. And I'm thinking-- is everyone but me oblivious? On the verge of a mommy-tantrum, here.
We've all had those days, right? Those days that feel like, no matter how hard you try, it is still not good enough? I recently read this article about a new mother, who felt overwhelmed with one child and wondered how anyone could do it with more than that. You know what? I felt the same way when I had one child. And now that I have five, I still have days and times when I feel overwhelmed. But I have learned to manage the feelings of overwhelm over the years so that, even though my workload is far heavier than it used to be, my periods of I-can't-do-this are far fewer. So what is the secret? I don't know. But I will share with you some tricks that have helped me along the way, just in case you are in that early what-the-have I done phase? Oh yeah, and just so you know, those feelings of comparison are the first big no-no.
1. Don't compare when it isn't constructive.
Often we compare our worst to other's best. Why do we do that? (this blog is no exception! FYI, I show you our happy moments, and leave out the messy stuff that is often
just outside the photo. Maybe I need to do better about showing my messes, I am just trying to focus on the positive to help myself stay positive) I too remember comparing myself to women with bigger families than mine, women who seemed to have it all together. And I wondered, how does she do it with x number of kids and I can't with one? Well, here is one of mommy-hood's biggest secrets: life is just as hard, in most ways, with one child as it is with a lot (and sometimes harder because siblings help take the pressure off the entertain-me-all-the-time child). Sometimes a little-- just a little comparison, though it can be painful, can help, if it leads you to make constructive changes. See below.
2. Learn from watching other moms (even if you have to ask out right questions about what works for them!)
Sometimes you have to be creative in adapting to your own circumstances. If something is not working (even if it worked for your mom!), then look for an alternative. There are so many resourceful women out there to whom you can look for inspiration in how to manage a difficult problem.
3. Support groups are essential.
It can be very isolating to be a mom. Especially in today's world, where we can become so much more separated from our families and support groups, thanks to modern forms of communication and travel. These help us keep in touch, but they often don't allow us to take a break when we need it. I have ignored this at my own peril before, and it wasn't pretty. No matter how busy you are, it is important to work in some time for friends (and if your house isn't up for it, that is what parks are for!). It requires some fine-tuning to discover just how much time is the right amount-- too much time out with friends can cause overwhelm too because other needs aren't being met.
Just remember, even if you feel alone, you are NOT alone! There are other people out there who are struggling with some of the very same challenges or feelings you are experiencing. Sometimes it just helps to talk about things and realize that everyone has their struggles/challenges. I have had several sweet neglected friends offer me really needed support lately.
4. Let go of perfectionistic expectations.
I used to stress out as a new mom, wrestling with my pre-conceived visions of parenthood. I thought I should have a clean house
all of the time, plenty of time for my little ones, and freshly baked cookies waiting on the windowsill (on top of scrap booking canning, and other mythological woman-beast things. Even though those have never been my strong point and never will be!). It took a lot of hard knocks to realize that this is not even close to being realistic. I have never known a woman who had it all, though I have known some who fake it really well! If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Now this is not to say that you can't try your best to be your best, and get better and better at efficiency. But no one can have it all-- life is about trade-offs. I find that when I focus on my house, I have much less time for my kids and I am much grouchier when a mess is made. I have personally chosen to let a few things be imperfect in order to be a better parent.
Learn how to simplify! Occam's razor had it right, all things being equal, the simpler answer is the best. One of the best choices I ever made was to stop ironing (I had a neighbor in England who used to iron her sheets and her underwear! What?!?). Sounds so peaceful just thinking about it. We bought my husband some wrinkle-free clothes for work, and if I don't get them straight out of the dryer I just wash them again. Embarrassing, but it works for me. I also cook embarrassingly simple meals. One day I figured out that, in a pinch, my kids can eat raw carrots, for example, for a vegetable.
5. Yet, try not to let things get too out of control.
If things feel out of control, then take control, either by scaling back on something unimportant (it all seems important sometimes, so you have to be really brutally honest with yourself), by asking for help, or staging your own intervention. I learned a couple of years ago that, if desperate, I could borrow an audio book from the library and we could listen to it while folding clothes, for example, conquering reading time and laundry at the same time. I also try to do my dishes right after I dirty them, otherwise they become more work, pile up, and become a more overwhelming task. I have learned this the hard way, too.
6. Put first things first.
An old friend, one who had her own set of troubles with a disabled son and difficult family situation, once told me, as we were on our way to help a different friend, that she reminds herself if she puts God first, everything else will fall into place. This doesn't just have to apply to religion, it is true of lots of things. When you put the most important things first, the next most important fall into place, and the unimportant things exit the picture.
On this particularly busy and crazy day, do you know what I did (against my better judgement?)? I sat down on the busy (dirty) section of floor and played Headbands with my girls for 10-15 minutes. And a little miracle occurred. We laughed. A lot. The tension I had been feeling minutes ago evaporated. I saw just how cute my little ones are. And I felt a surge of motivation stemming from a reminder of my purpose. That I didn't choose to be a mom so I could be a maid or cook or a taxi-driver. I chose to be a mom for this-- to give someone else a happy life, to help them learn and grow and mature into a happy adult. This little act gave me a boost of energy, because it brought me back to my purpose (see below). Then the mundane stuff was easier, and not so mundane. And feeling connected to me helps my kids be more positive about helping out.
(lol, she was making us laugh because she was pointing to specific places on our cards and giving some very explicit hints, it was really funny... and the little boy with his squished Quasimodo eye)
7. Find what gives you the biggest boost of meaning and purpose, and make sure you do some of it every day.
8. Make time for yourself.
Easier said than done, right? I'd love to hear suggestions on this one because I stink at it!
9. Make time for others outside your family. This will help your kids develop empathy, too. I find when I step outside myself I feel much better about myself, as well as realizing that there are many, many people who have a much tougher life than I do.
10. Find your sense of humor.
Most things aren't as big of a deal as we make them out to be! We can choose whether we laugh or cry about them. May as well laugh.
11. Let it go.
One of my biggest survival mechanisms is just (I know this is bad, in some ways!) learning to turn off that part of myself that is distressed about the mess or the scraggly hair, especially when I know I'm doing my best. Worry can add to problems at times, so if it isn't constructive worry, and no one is in danger, and you are doing your best with the priorities you've set, learn to turn a selective blind eye. This is probably one of my biggest coping mechanisms, and one that keeps me from drowning in despair on tough days. I can feel quite calm amid the chaos because of this. I have to tell myself this isn't a cop-out, I'm doing my best and accepting the rest. (and it
will get better!)
12. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Work on the weaknesses, but don't spend all your time trying to be something you are not.
13. Communicate with your partner/spouse.
I've noticed that when my husband takes the kids out for a couple of hours, I get so much done, and then I start feeling lonely! Just having them gone makes me realize how much I love their crazy ways.
14. Make time for your partner/spouse.
15. Make time for your health.
One of the things I love about being a mom is how it has made me look outside myself. It brings great satisfaction knowing that I am sacrificing for my little ones. But it is also easy for women to take this too far, as we are innately unselfish and giving. If you are well-rested and healthy, it is so much easier to be a good mom and to let the little stuff roll of your back. So don't feel guilty for exercising, helping kids learn to sleep through the night (if it's right for both of you), or getting in needed doctor visits.
16. Give it time.
I have learned not too worry too much about the little things that are wrong today, instead choosing to focus on what I am giving my children for the future. And to make the most of the short time we have together, because it really won't be forever. I am frequently reminding myself that the diapers, late nights, and constant demands of little children won't last forever, but neither will the puffy down-soft cheeks, the little bundle of gifted wildflowers, the scrawled drawings of the two of you holding hands, the magical time when you watch your little one sleep and realize-- I made that. Right now I'm so lucky to be the center of the world, the one they need and look up to more than anyone else in it. Watching them grow has to be my life's greatest blessing.
(I looked back in my hubby's car the other day, and saw that this little boy had fallen asleep, and my heart just filled with love for him and wanted to freeze this little boy, he is growing way too fast!)
17. Learn to say "no."
Just because so-and-so has ten kids and is president of the PTA, has a Pottery Barn house and throws her kids Strawberry Shortcake birthday parties, doesn't mean you have to! Don't feel guilty- do what is right for you and your family. I often ask myself what my kids would really want or what they will value down the road. Usually this comes down to something simple, like spending time together, over having me be the PTA president with less time for them.
18. Keep the "stuff" to a minimum.
More clothes= more to wash, fold and put away. Ditto on the toys. I have gotten pretty ruthless with what I throw away. Even if it used to be good, if it is broken or missing parts, I throw it away. Do you ever feel like we as a culture are losing the "stuff" war? One thing our mothers and grandmothers did not have to deal with was the constant inundation of cheap toys, stickers, candy, and even paperwork from the school. I have learned that if my kids don't value certain things enough to pick them up, I throw them away (within reason)-- things such as stickers, yesterday's balloon, that discarded party favor, and even (gasp!) uneaten candy. This used to feel so wasteful to me (and I do save some things for later, I just create a place for them first), but it is my survival mechanism for right now, otherwise we would be buried in stuff in no time flat. And even if a toy was expensive or cute when you purchased it, if it never gets played with, it is time to give it to charity. The feelings you get from knowing that a needy child will now benefit from this unused toy outweigh the feelings of loss and unfilled expectations when getting rid of it.
19. Get away.
I pretty much live for vacations. We only typically have one a year, but our one vacation is like a religion. I could not survive without it. It gives me perspective on my life, a breather from the daily worries and mundane tasks, and bonding time that keeps us going for quite a while. And something to look forward to!
20. Connect spiritually. With whatever/whoever you believe in.
When all else fails, recognize there is a force bigger that you out there, that knows your name and has things under control. I find peace in knowing things never were under my control, anyway, and to let go and trust God, turning to Him for emotional support, advice, and peace. And, after all, my kids were His long before they were mine, and He knows what is best for them.
