A Grumpy Week

It has been a long, grumpy week around these parts.  I don't know if we're just adjusting to Daylight Savings or what, but we've had an unusual amount of whining, fighting, and dragging about.  I have been especially grumpy too!  My leg has been killing me.  I have had a hard time getting stuff done around the house, so it has been a huge mess (like, can't see the floor in a few rooms sort of mess, ouch, though we got it clean today).  I tell you what, I have sure been appreciating what a difference it makes to have a healthy body and how chronic pain can really affect a person's mood.  I have been a bit "snappish" all week.

I have also realized how lucky I have been so far in the sibling rivalry department.  I have two kids that have suddenly been at each other a lot over the last couple of months, and it is driving me crazy.  It seems like they are constantly picking at each other, and one in particular always ends up crying.  Fun.  It just so happens the said two offending parties also share a room, so we'll be working on that.  A few nights ago, I reached a breaking point; I thought-- I just can't do it any more.  Not one more day.  (I've also had some bedtime struggles lately-- all of the kids totally wired at bed time!)  I sat myself down, frustrated and exhausted one night, and poked around the internet for ideas about sibling room sharing arrangements.  It wasn't much help.  It seems like there were lots of people on there debating the pros and cons of room sharing, as if everyone has a choice between the two options of private or shared rooms. For us, with seven people in the family and four bedrooms, there is no choice.  Kids have to share.  The suggestions that were floating around were things like: try to match up kids ages and genders, so there isn't a large discrepancy between bed times, for example.  The trouble is, I'm splitting up two similar aged kids because they couldn't get along, and if we went for the gender thing then I'd have my two year-old in with my 12 year-old, and they don't have similar schedules.  So I ended up more frustrated than I'd started.

A few days ago, I tried to tackle my complete disaster of a house on my gimpy, painful leg, and for some reason, my littlest two decided they were feeling really needy all of a sudden.  They both decided at that moment to ask for lots of drinks, hang on my legs and ask to be held, and things like that (and they generally don't understand about my sore leg and try to jump on me and things like that, which is fine under normal circumstances, but...).  I went to my bedroom and sat among the fantastic ruins of my laundry, and started on the epic task.  The littlest boy loves to play with laundry, for some reason.  He can make quick work of a folded pile.  He also loves to throw sorted laundry (and folded laundry) as well as step on the piles.  Inside, I was screaming, my skin crawling like crazy.  On the outside, I probably looked very grumpy.  The little ones surprised me by offering to help.  Even the little boy started scrunching stuff up and handing it to me, very proudly, and I felt the irritation melting away.  They were--are-- so cute.

And then today I met a single mother with five kids who has to work two jobs.  She said she and her kids share a two bedroom house.  Ouch.  I suddenly felt very, very guilty for wishing I had the luxury of sticking each of my kids in separate bedrooms and locking the door!

So, bottom line, I have it great.  Really, really great.  Sometimes it is easy to get hung up on the little things and forget the big picture.  I chose these kids, and they are the best choice I ever made.  I am really thankful I have them around, for so many reasons.  Even if every day isn't perfect, I would choose them over again every time.

I have some funny things to share with you soon!  Also, I know I'm crazy, but while I was in the writers groove I just decided to write a children's fantasy novel.  It has been fun.  I love that I can involve my kids this time around.  My oldest two beg for more, which is a good sign, so I've been trying to pump out a chapter or two each day during nap time, when possible.  It has been a fun creative outlet and good for bonding, too.  They also have surprisingly great ideas and always make me feel like a million bucks-- they've been very enthusiastic.  Have a great weekend!

24th of July Weekend

Whew!  We packed 'er up again last weekend and drove to my father-in-law's house in Wyoming.  Lets just say we are experiencing vacation fatigue.  :)  None of the kids were too happy about packing a suitcase again or driving again, especially on the heels of the start of school.  But it was a great weekend and very refreshing.

(Photos cred belongs to my husband in this post)

We attended the local parade, as has become tradition for us.  For those of you who don't know, I am LDS (Mormon).  We celebrate the 24th of July as a holiday because that is the day we commemorate the arrival of the Mormon pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley, after they were driven out of the midwest.  We often celebrate with parades, activities, and fireworks, which often feels eerily similar to the way we celebrate the 4th of July, with a pioneer flavor being a distinguishing factor.  Even though I have rejected some Mormon cultural norms, like jell-o (Mormon food in general is nooooott my favorite-- see some links at the bottom of the post) and politics (though I love my religion, I'm talking more incidentals that have nothing to do with religion, that have somehow become Mormon cultural traditions), I feel a lot of awe and respect when I think of my own pioneer ancestors.  I admire their courage in leaving behind their lives-- their homes, their families, their faith, all that was familiar, to strike out into the unknown because of some deeply held (new) beliefs.  Their hardship and suffering were a crucible that refined their hearts, humbled their lives, and shaped the growth of a hardy people in the wilds of the west.  Add to that, not only the striking out West, but the loss of loved ones along the way and a focus on dreams for the future while trying not to relive the nightmares of a persecuted past.

I love the upbeat tone of this song (Come, Come Ye Saints), considering all they had been through.  It always inspires me and makes me see that my problems are smaller than they often feel.  Here is one verse:

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!

Another favorite, one that always stirs my blood, is called Carry On.

Firm as the mountains around us,
Stalwart and brave we stand
On the rock our fathers planted
For us in this goodly land—
The rock of honor and virtue,
Of faith in the living God.
They raised his banner triumphant—
Over the desert sod.

Whenever I see the Salt Lake Temple, I think of the "rock our father's planted"-- hand-hewn, literal rock-- and how it represents the faith and tenacity of the early settlers.  The thing took 40 years to build, and much personal sacrifice, and now stands as a testament to them and their faith in God in spite of all they went through.  It has been a "rock" for many since-- bringing them closer to God, offering peace and comfort, and symbolizing family and its importance, to name a few.  I also have loved the symbolism of building my life on a rock, by being kind, honorable, and good (here).  And even though I think "rock" in this instance means Jesus Christ, I love the idea that it is our ancestors that help to "plant" it-- showing the importance, for me, of being a good parent so my kids and those that follow will have a strong foundation wherewith to weather the storms of life.  And that I can gather strength, when I need to, from those who have gone on before.

Sometimes the actual meaning of the holiday can get lost in the sticky taffy and smell of burnt fireworks.  I'm sure many people out there can relate, when it comes to Christmas, the 4th of July, or any other holiday.  This year we talked about the holiday with the kids before hand.

And even though the holiday is technically a serious one, and one that I feel connection to, I couldn't help laugh at some quirky parts of Mormon culture during the parade (one float, people dressed in all white, just felt a little, shall we say, awkward?).

Even though I'm Mormon, I have learned great respect for all viewpoints.  There are so many good people in this world, religious or not.  (we sat next to a work-friend at dinner the other night, and I didn't even clue in as to why he wasn't eating until my husband mentioned that he was fasting for Ramadan.  I have to tell you, I really respected him in that moment for the sacrifice he was making to live his beliefs.)  I have learned so much from my friends of all persuasions and appreciate the richness they have brought to my life and their contributions to the world!   What about you?

A parody blog, making fun of Mormon mom bloggers Here.  Mormon myths, funny - here.  A book about Joseph Smith, warts and all here.   Atlantic's Jell-O Love: Guide to Mormon Cuisine (very interesting) and how Mormon food is evolving, covered in the New York Times here.  And a Mormon librarian's humorous take on our cuisine, Relief Society cookbook style, here (prepare your gag reflexes).

Memorial Day Part 2 (One Month Later!)

Here are some photos of our second half of Memorial Day weekend.  We always visit my father-in-law for Memorial Day, remember Miguel's mom, and enjoy some crazy times with our wonderful growing extended family.  This usually means someone is playing the organ, someone is building with blocks or Lincoln logs, someone is holding the "kitty" (a really beleaguered looking thing, but they all fight over it), little girls concocting ideas and trailing around after one another as they implement said ideas, kids go outside to explore the barn or the sheep camp or to traipse through knee high grass, gingerly over-stepping animal pies, or just to watch a long-eyelashed jersey cow crunch down her lunch; the adults get in some conversation, fantastic food while my father-in-law is awake, junk food when he is asleep, some late night games.  We often go for a "picnic" in the mountains-- usually hot dogs.  And often we go fishing.  So nice to enjoy each other's company and a break from every day routines, as well as the beautiful rural surroundings.         

Sorry for the picture glut.  I just couldn't choose.

Sorry if this grosses you out.  The kids enjoyed looking at it.  Below, bro explains.

 I love how sweet his sister is being, too.

 Cousins!

 Looking up at some sort of bug.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend!  That your summer is going well so far!  I may post more this week, because next week we are going on vacation!  Wahoo!

End of the Month Round-up

I'm sort of embarrassed to be coming here, again, to say...um, fail.  All of this month's goals went out the window.  Though we did do maintenance from other months, so I guess that is good.

I didn't intend to do so, but I spent this month reading a lot in an attempt to better understand my brain and my kids' brains. My husband would be like, you are reading another one (I think, ahem, seven books?  can you say, still nursing?  can't let go?)?  I've learned so much about the hows and whys of ADD life, including adjusted schedules and routines to fit our own circumstance.  For example, I've learned how important routines are (ha, funny), how important exercise is, and how important it is to structure one's environment to give reminders (now I know why I have become a religious user of the timer in the kitchen!  could not survive without it, even if I have to put something in for two more minutes I always set it for that or else I forget and burn something!), how important it is to tack one task on to another, how important socialization is, how important it is to unlock the hidden potential and talents within ADD, and how (so obvious to me now!) important it is to be careful not to overdo it (poor concept of time and the like).   I have gained a whole bunch of insight into myself and how I function, and have started accepting that I will just plain never be good at some things.  I've already adjusted some other tasks and expectations-- all it took was a little encouragement to see just how miserable I was at "x" .  And hyperfocus?  I'm thinking that I need to structure my day to take advantage of hyperfocus, and accept how difficult it is for me to switch gears.  So if I can give myself bigger chunks of time to do something, rather than a bunch of little ones that alternate (here is one example:  I have read many times that someone with our family size should do laundry every day, but this just does not work for me.  I think I'd rather have a mountain twice a week, than a string of clean/dirty laundry that never ends!)

I will do a post about the books I read soon, I don't know why I never read a book on the subject sooner!  I've still had my ups and downs as I've alternated between a sense of relief (I finally know why I struggle with some things!), validation (there are many other people out there who have been through it to!), and, lets just admit it, sadness, as I mourn for what I've lost and mourn a bit for my kids who will have some struggles to face up to yet.  Finally, peace, as I have realized that ADD presents a whole new range of opportunities and possibilities, just waiting to be unlocked, as I finally accept the things I can't do alone, as well as accepting the gifts that come with it too.  Here is to a fresh start!

We have been enjoying the outdoors this week!  It has been a really beautiful, cool, leave-your-windows-open-at-night-and-snuggle-up-under-the-covers (and rush around shutting them when the rain rolls in!) kind of week.  The little ones and I have had some adventures.  I love that they are still little and with me during the day.  And I am so excited for school to get out!  To have everyone all to myself, less schedules, and some warm weather to enjoy.  Have a marvelous weekend, dear ones!

Teaching Siblings How to Get Along & Reducing Sibling Rivalry

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

--Bill Cosby



Before I had kids, I thought that kids either got along, or they didn't.  And I thought that fighting siblings was just going to be part of the parenting territory, something to be expected.

Then my first two kids surprised me.  They just got along so well, right from the first.  Even if my older son was a bit, shall we say, enthusiastic, in his love for little sister?

I learned a few things, I'm convinced, completely by accident.  Because my kids fight way less than I ever expected them to (they still fight, trust me, but they are good buddies most of the time).   Others I learned from some wonderful seasoned mothers that I still feel so grateful to!  So, take them or leave them, here they are.

1)  Start from birth.

I know this can be hard, but involve older siblings in the care of the new baby.  Approach baby care tasks as a team when appropriate.  My older kids have enjoyed helping to bathe baby, coax out first smiles, or just gaze in wonder at new little sister.  As they bond to their new sibling as partnered with their bestie, Mom, it will increase your bond too, as long as you don't totally ignore the older child's needs.  I still gooed and gahed at my babies, but I tried to do it sensitively (look at her beautiful eyes!  lets look at yours now too!), and tried not to treat big bro or sis as a nuisance (I definitely felt it sometimes!).  It can be hard to be patient with an enthusiastic sibling (and protect that baby!  don't do anything outside of safety guidelines), but being patient with their form of love will pay off.  I tried to let baby be my guide (as advised by a very wise mother who I am still thankful to!).  If older sibling is doing something annoying, but the baby is not crying (it shocked me, but sometimes baby is even smiling!), don't intervene.  Just step in to protect baby from harm (this will also help relations, as baby will feel safe, knowing you will protect him/her), or if baby seems fussy or overwhelmed by big bro.

2)  Avoid comparisons, including words with "er" or "est."

This can become a habit before you know it!  I try not to use comparing words, like pretti-er, fast-est, etc. because they are comparing words that place people in a hierarchy.  Fast-est implies that someone is faster than someone else.  I just say pretty, or fast.  If I have to use comparing words, I use them for only that child-- "you are my favorite Ava in the whole world!" (we don't know any other Avas) rather than "you are the fastest girl in the world!"  I don't want my kid to define success as being relative, nor do I want him/her to feel my love is conditioned on performance, especially in relation to their own family.

Might seem finicky, but it works.

3)  Don't encourage competition between siblings.

Again, learned from a friend who learned this the hard way.  In her case, she would motivate her kids to get ready for bed by making bed prep a race-- with each other.  Her kids are now in their twenties and still don't get along super well, as they define success as being "better" than the other one!  My friend lamented about this long after it was too late to change it.  If we must race, I will have them race a parent or the clock.  But I try (not perfectly!) not to put them in competition with each other, as this sets up the inevitable loser for whining and jealousy that is often directed at the winning sibling.

4)  Give each child plenty of love and attention.

I know, I know!  Easier said than done.  But my kids behave the best when they've gotten enough love and attention from me.

5)  Don't play favorites.  In addition to obvious psychological damage, the jealous child will take out feelings of lowered self worth out on the favorite child.

6)  Teach them how to communicate.

Teach them how to ask kindly for a toy or a turn. They really aren't born knowing, in spite of my early misconceptions. :) Also, teach them words that they can use when they are frustrated or upset.  It is important that you validate their point of view, even if you feel a bit threatened by an emotion like anger ("you are angry.  You wanted a turn with that toy and it hurt your feelings when Suzi wouldn't share it with you.").  When you validate a child's point of view, she will be less likely to make herself heard by amping up the noise level or using some other odious means of showing that she is truly upset.  I will often ask my kids to take a first step of communicating to a playmate or sibling their frustration ("Go back and tell Suzi--I felt bad when you took my toy.  Can I have it back please?"), before I get involved.

I don't punish my kids for tattletale-ing, unless it is egregious or mean-spirited, but I do often provide a listening ear and some suggestions for them to try before I get involved.  I don't punish telling in part because I want to make sure I'm helping the other sibling learn, too (no way do I want the other  child to get away with taking toys right and left!  I am responsible for teaching him/her too).

7)  Teach them how to share.

Again, you can start from a young age.  Make a game out of it.  I give this to you, and you give it back.  Then make a big deal when they do share, clapping and hooray-ing.  Try to notice and praise sharing in regular play too.

8)  As long as no one is in immediate danger of death or dismemberment, give them a minute to work it out.  Working out conflict might be unpleasant to listen to but it teaches them an important life skill.  Unless, see below.

9)  Don't tolerate hitting, name calling, belittling, toy-taking, aggressive or bullying behavior.  I enjoyed this blog post: "Boys Will Be Boys: Is it Sibling Fighting or Bullying?"

I personally don't think bullying (don't be in denial, even if they are "good at heart!") should ever be tolerated.  We must stick up for our kids, for they have no way to escape a bullying brother or sister.  Bullying isn't always physical in nature, either.  It can include name calling, put downs, exclusion, to name a few.

10) Consequences.

Some of the biggies for me are: no hitting (immediate time out for anything physically aggressive), no toy taking (the toy must be returned immediately, even if I must pry it from their cold dead fingers), no name calling (time out).  It is pretty amazing just how many fights stem from these three behaviors.

11)  Negative behaviors like this respond best to consistency.  

Every time one yells, hits, or takes a toy, if he/she consistently receives an unemotional consequence (though I do like to offer a little "I love you" and maybe a hug on the way to time-out), the behavior will be drastically reduced if not eliminated.  (consistency! ha!  I can't believe I'm talking about consistency!  my arch enemy!  but for some reason, I can be more consistent with aggressive behavior, because it pushes my mothering buttons big time)  Consistency will really pay off with better behavior in the long run.

12)  Catch them doing something good.

Sometimes it is hard to praise our kids for playing well.  Because we want to tiptoe around and whisper, afraid to upset this beautiful status quo because we need a little break or we need to get to those crusty last-night dishes.  But it is important to reinforce good behavior with positive attention (The Power of Positive Parenting, Latham, teaches that behaviors that are paid attention to, good or bad, are reinforced).

Give attention when things are going well.  If you only pay attention when there is a problem or a fight, and your child isn't getting enough positive attention, she will learn that the best way to get your attention is to pull Suzi's hair or take Suzi's toy.

13) Demonstrate alternatives when a sibling is being aggressive. 

After a time out, I will often have the perpetrator hug the offended sibling.  Sometimes I will demonstrate acceptable forms of contact by taking his/her hand in mine and showing him how to pat a sibling gently on the shoulder or back or head, in place of more aggressive actions.  :)

Or we will rehearse the verbage needed in a conflict situation.  Teach them how to use words to ask for a turn with a toy or in explaining to the other child why his feelings were hurt.

14)  When more diplomatic measures have failed, put a fought-over toy in time out.  (be prepared for a tantrum!  but better behavior afterward)

Or use a timer to enforce a pre-determined sharing schedule.  I have a couple of non-sharers.  They would never choose to share of their own free will.  So if they have a toy and someone else wants a turn, I will set the timer for a few minutes for each child.  After a couple of turns they usually lose interest in the toy.  It is easy to argue with mom, but hard to argue with a timer.

15)  Teach by example-- keep your voice down, don't spank.  

When I'm in a bad mood, I often notice my kids lashing out more at each other.  Studies have shown that kids who are spanked are more likely to act in physically aggressive ways.

16)  Make sure they get plenty of rest and are offered regular meals.

My kids are more emotional and more likely to take little slights personally when they are tired or hungry.

17)  Listen.  

Like Atticus Finch.  With no preconceptions and without rushing to judgement in order to get this over with.

Here is a funny story (#3) about how Bill Cosby reacted to a fight between his kids.  He said: "Parents aren't interested in justice, they're interested in quiet!"

 I'm surprised what I learn when I just listen instead of simply trying to earn peace at any price.  (lets face it, we are all tired sometimes, no matter how idealistic the parenting books make it sound, and I know I have been guilty once in a while of pretending I didn't see something just so I wouldn't have to deal with it!)

18)  Focus sympathy on the victim, put the perpetrator in time out, unemotionally, with little fanfare.

19)  Its okay to let them work it out if no one is in immediate danger (no name calling, hitting, etc).  Just listen and see how things play out before intervening.

20) Spend quality bonding time together as a group.  



If your children are always rushing off in different directions, to lessons and playdates and sports games, they don't have time to bond.  Make sure you have some unscheduled down time so they can just play.  Sibling relationships will last much longer than that soccer trophy or the playmate on the corner.

Vacations are a lifeline in this sense for me too.  We go on one vacation a year, and it is like a religion to me. We really grow closer through shared experiences, good and bad.

Another small thing that has helped us is having a nightly family prayer/scripture reading activity (very, very short).  Having daily times when the whole family is together provides grounding moments just as a lightning rod grounds a harmful electrical charge.  It gives a child a sense of togetherness, stability, and belonging. (Have you read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn?  It amazed me how much those children thrived by reading one page out of the Bible and one page of Shakespeare each day as a family)

21)  Teach them to serve each other.

Write a kind note to one child  (or do something unexpectedly nice) and involve a sibling as a helper.  I have found that once I have done this a couple of times my kids will instigate acts of kindness without my prompting (this comes back to you, too!).  

21)  A little empathy goes a long way.

Try to put yourself in your child's shoes.  Try to see what her worries and fears are.  Imagine what it must be like to be her for a day.  Sometimes I can figure out why a particular child is lashing out at another one, when I see the pressures or challenges she faces, challenges that may be totally unrelated to the sibling being lashed out at.  (also, when I think of toy sharing, I wonder how I would feel if my neighbor just walked over, pulled me out of my driver's seat, and sped away with my car, one reason I won't tolerate toy-taking)

In addition, I try to help a frustrated sibling, in private, understand what is going on in her brother's world for example.  I might explain to her that he is struggling with a teacher at school, or he didn't make the soccer team, that he is sad inside and we just need to be extra patient with him right now.  I'm amazed at how these little chats will diffuse anger and increase empathy and understanding among siblings.

*****

Kids need a chance to learn how to work things out on their own, but there are also times kids need to be taught how to get along!  Plain and simple.  Also, if children learn that they are "safe"-- that you won't allow them to be pushed around, they have higher self esteem and are more likely to handle conflict with clear heads and kind hearts.

Now I know some of this post may seem contradictory.  Intervene, don't intervene, teach them how to get along, but don't give too much attention to negative behavior.  Don't worry!  You'll figure it out.  You are not perfect, and neither are your kids.  Some kids just get along better than others, no matter what you do.  But there are also plenty of things you can do to improve the odds!  The things they are learning in this crucible called family will help them with communication, conflict resolution, empathy, and relationships the rest of their lives.

You will still have bad days.  But I hope these suggestions will help you as they have helped me, to reduce and eliminate some common causes of sibling rivalry so your house can be a more peaceful place to be!

Is there anything I missed?  How do you help your kids get along?

Dearest ones, I will be gone tomorrow!  Until next week!

The Grouch Queen Gets Lickin' on Mother's Day

(my cute little weeding helper-- I tried to retrieve a sun hat for her, but she wanted her winter hat!)

I don't know why (well, I do, I guess I'll get to that), but I was the grouch queen this weekend.

I decided to go on a cleaning rampage on Friday.   It involved cleaning and organizing to a greater degree than I've done in the last couple of years since baby was born.  It felt good.  It felt good until those first shoes walked on my clean floor (clean floors are extra precious around here, since they don't come often or easily!), until the first crumbs were dusted in a little Hansel and Gretel trail, until window smearings and suspicious sticky spots.  We cleaned out the older kids' closets, put winter clothes away (thank you K.J. Payne), and weeded like crazy on Saturday.  My husband and son went to help my parents move, so the girls and I were on our own for the weeding.  It was hot.  They got tired fast.  There were a ton of weeds.  I guess I had blocked them out a little too well.   We all got sweaty and dirty and tired.  I had to keep stopping to make sure the littlest boy hadn't run away or gotten himself elbow deep in the kitty litter (he thinks it's his sand box).  I totally bribed everyone with periodic treats (I have tried really hard not to use food as a reward, remember when I worked on that? but it went out the window Saturday).  When I pulled out some Gatorade for one of the "treats" (I was using some psychology here, since my little girl had been begging for it that morning), my little boy started saying "I want alligator."  I finally figured out what he meant!  Ha.  You know what, even though I was tired and grumpy, I really enjoyed several hours working together.  My kids had cycles of good helping and not, but it was fun to just be able to talk without trying to multi-task physically and mentally.  I especially enjoyed chatting with my 9 year-old, as she was the least distracted by things like the sprinkler, the cats, or the baby.

After some washer/dryer/fridge moving (we traded my parents washer/dryer), more frantic floor scrubbing after dirty men's shoes clomped about, helping my daughter finish her closet (she dumped her entire bottom-half closet contents in her room, which I helped her with in 5 minute intervals, returning to strain this old back as we hauled in the new washer, frantically wiped down the shoe prints again, then re-vacuumed my daughter's room).  I mean really, I thought, is it unreasonable to expect my house to stay clean for one day, just 24 hours?  Is that too much to ask?

I decided that trying to clean and then keep clean a house with lots of small children is like trying to pour water into a sieve and then drink it.  If you try hard enough, long enough, you're still not going to be able to drink out of it but you sure are going to be frustrated.

Another reason I was grumpy, I had a temporary crown fall out (it's ok, it was really bothering me).  I realized that I have a low tolerance for nagging, annoying pain (but I didn't scream when I gave birth naturally this last time, even though my husband claimed that I did almost bite him-- I wasn't really going to do it).  I also realized that I probably won't be getting braces soon like I had maybe hoped (ugly teeth, I did have braces for 4 years once!), as I don't want to feel so grumpy in the years when I am mom to some little ones who have to be around me all day. :)

Adding to sleep deprivation was a middle of the night visit by one of our cats (!).  Since they are outside cats it was kind of a shock to hear a meow outside my bedroom in the middle of the night.  They've also learned how to climb on our roof, and since we've slept with the windows open a couple of nights, they will meow outside our bedroom window (the one that got in must have gotten through the one window without a screen, I took it out to clean while on my cleaning rampage).

And, those extra baby pounds have been getting me down a little lately.  I just feel so...gross.  I really don't like to look in the mirror.  And, to add to it, I've had a few "fat" comments lately by well-meaning people.

On Mother's Day morning, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods.  I'd become a house nazi overnight, and it wasn't fun for any of us. :)

But the kids were so attentive, as usual, as attentive as little ones can be.  My middlest daughter was especially sweet, she was like the Mother's Day police, keeping everyone in line and apprised of what they should or should not be doing to make my day go well.

At church I was still grumpy when said middle daughter tried to follow me into the mothers room for a feeding (I was wearing a dress!  Fantastic!  But how was I expecting to nurse? lol).  I wasn't very nice, and I told her that for Mother's Day I just wanted her to go sit with the rest of the family.  I felt very badly as I watched her walk out a little deflated.  I'm still feeling badly about this.

Then we had a lesson on motherhood by a woman who doesn't consider herself a very good mother and who admitted that she hates Mother's Day (her reasons= guilt and expectations).  And you know what?  The lesson was fantastic, just what I needed to hear.  A lot of different women spoke up about what it is that motivates them as a mother, and how they keep things in perspective.  The power in the room was thick, it was palpable-- because there were so many great women in one place who really believed in motherhood, women who saw that the real powers of motherhood go way deeper than what you can see-- way deeper than a sink full of dirty dishes or an un-mopped floor, into the hearts and minds of little ones who will carry their mother's love for a lifetime.  Through good and bad.  I think mothers provide the roots, so to speak, of happiness.

Sometimes we get derailed on the little details of life and miss the big picture.  Did it really matter whether my floor stayed immaculate?  Or my little one followed me to the mothers room when she was supposed to be with the family?  I realized that one of the biggest things I need to remember is-- who I am.  I didn't start out thinking that motherhood was all about keeping my entry way floor mopped at all times or felt she had to look like a supermodel.  I started out fired up to be that warm, nurturing presence, the motivator, the listener, the teacher, the cheerleader.  I may not be perfect, but I am the person most uniquely suited to my kids needs.  I may not be a fantastic seamstress, or well-organized, or many things that other women are.  But I love my kids.  They are my life.  Literally.  I would give my life for them, and I do, every day.  That is what matters, loving them and being the best me I can be.  Sometimes I get thinking I have to be someone else, especially someone else who is cleaner with fewer weeds, and I forget to be me.  I can still clean and pull weeds (within reason!), but not lose who I am in the process.  That is what my kids want and need, the best version of me.  And even though I will never be perfect, I can keep on trying to be better, because it is love and effort that really matter in the end.

I have been in a little funk lately, I'm sure some of you have noticed or suspected.  :)  Mother's Day this year was just what I needed to remind me of why I am doing this.  Of the point of it all.  That what I do matters!  It really, really matters.  More than just about anything else on this entire planet.  My dishes will be here tomorrow, but tomorrow my child will be one day older and I can't get that back.

I was going to explain the lickin' reference, but I decided to refrain from blackening a certain childs name.  Someone had a very grand tantrum on Mother's Day, the other kids were quite aghast and solemn afterward.  But, fresh from a great Mother's Day lesson, I kept my cool and carried said offender to her room for a nice chance to think.

Successful Breastfeeding and Overcoming Some Booby Traps*

*I got the "booby trap" reference from Parenting online.  Very clever, don't you think?

Just a little warning here....this post has some really fun personal details.  Don't read it if you are squeamish, I guess. :)

I'm sure you're tired of me lamenting on this blog about how sad I am with regards to weaning my now two year-old boy.  But I didn't always feel so positive about nursing.  Before my first child was born, I was all gung-ho about breastfeeding.  While I had looked forward to the birth of my son as a sort of finish-line crossing, little did I realize what I was in for as I faced numerous challenges in attempting to breastfeed him successfully (I thought many times-- at least labor/delivery is only one day!).  I remember losing all dignity as a couple of lactation ladies helped me learn how to breastfeed him in the hospital, as suddenly my girls seemed to become public property, to be flung about and treated as mere machinery to be fiddled with. They tried to sort out an inversion problem on one side, and I enduring heaps of pain for seven weeks plus.  My mom had nursed my youngest sister a little past age two, and since I was fourteen when she was born, I remember how much my mom enjoyed nursing.  What I hadn't envisioned were clogged ducts, two giant engorged rocks, mastitis, those first few seconds of latching on (just at first), leaking (ha, in my first pediatrician visit, I quickly pulled down my shirt as the doc entered the room, only to notice that milk was literally shooting in a little white arc right out of my sweater, lol), and that I would be so sore that I walked around with no bra and my shirt held out so that nothing would touch my skin.  I didn't even dare dry off in the shower because it hurt so badly.  And in those first few weeks, even though there are some shining nursing moments (the first time you nurse, it's just so sweet!), my newborn baby wasn't as responsive to me as I remember my sister being toward my mother.  I was pretty much just a human bottle, with no recognition just yet that I was Mom (or so I thought).  I'm glad that I was determined to stick it out, because it does get so much better, even if there can still be bumps in the road months later (can you say teeth?).

It did.  It got so much better.  Nursing has been a real highlight for me, and it creates a bond that is so strong.    I have felt that my little ones have benefited physically, emotionally, and intellectually from nursing. There are just a few things I wish I had known about beforehand.  All total, I have nursed for 7 years and three months.  There was a point that I wouldn't have believed that if you told me so.

And one last disclaimer, if you can't nurse for some reason, please don't feel guilty!  Later in the post I'll talk about ways to maximize the bottle experience in order to mimic nursing in some beneficial ways.  Please don't substitute this for medical advice, just some friendly words from one mom to another.

1)  If possible, nurse baby within the first hour post-delivery.

2)  Helping baby latch correctly in that first session, and especially in the early days and weeks, aids long-term success.  But even if you didn't get it down or didn't get the help you needed, never fear.  You can still have success breastfeeding, starting right just makes it much easier.

The nurse who helped deliver my second baby was so finicky about how my baby was latching on (it is important that the baby open his/her mouth wide, or extra soreness can result).  I was a little annoyed, thinking that I had nursed my first until just past a year and that she was meddling with my bonding moment.  But you know what?  Getting it right the first time made that baby my most problem free nurser.  Oh yeah, and because I learned with my first that I had one side that he preferred (the other one was more work), I learned to nurse all of my babies on the less preferable side first (just in that first session).  I think it helped.

If you are inverted or flat, that doesn't have to spell failure.  There are different things you can do to help your body, like pumping a few minutes beforehand or silicone nipple shields.  These should only be needed in the first few weeks.

3)  Take advantage of lactation consultants, if available, even if it isn't your first baby.  I learned there is always something to learn.

4)  Nurse on demand.  My first baby threw me for a loop on the second day when he wanted to nurse like every hour.  I wondered if I was doing something wrong to be offering him food so often, but it turned out he was going through a growth spurt (this will happen periodically throughout the first year).  I think that nursing on demand is one of the best things you can do for a child's physical and emotional health.  Physically, he or she learns that they eat when they are hungry, and stop when full (there is a temptation with the bottle to get baby to "finish" the bottle, even if he is full).  And knowing that his needs are met when needed and not just on mom's schedule helps the child in his earliest days to learn that his needs are important, thus contributing to a sense of significance and self esteem.

Sometimes nursing on demand is hard, and sometimes you just...can't, because life happens.  But it is so worth it to do your best to try and nurse on demand.  Life can feel a bit out of control for a little while, but if you tell yourself that this is in baby's best interest, and even though the days can feel interminable at times they really do go by way too fast, and will be over before you know it, you will be so glad you did it, and you will see the benefits in your child.  And you will have some special memories with your little one.

Remember that you can't spoil a baby under six months by meeting their needs when they have them.  In fact, your child will be more secure and less whiny/clingy because she knows that her needs will be met within a reasonable time frame.

5)  To help prevent mastitis, let baby empty one breast before moving on to the other.  Because babies more efficiently nurse on the first side anyway, switch the side you nurse on first each time.  When I was a new mom I followed the 10-15 minutes on each side rule, so I'd break off baby at the appointed time.  But if you have milk left over, this can lead to mastitis and I think it is a bit hard for a baby who is enjoying eating to be surreptitiously interrupted.  If you have leftover milk after baby is full and you are feeling uncomfortable, you can pump the extra and save it for later (or not) or even hand express some milk.  The only caveat here is that your body is made to meet the extra demand, so if you pump, your body will assume you need more milk and it will make that much more (and if you cut back on nursing, your body will make less, though never fear because it will make more again when you nurse more).  For that reason I rarely pumped, but it did come in handy a few times when I had a problem, like impending mastitis or a crack or a plugged duct.

6)  While some pain is to be expected in the first 6 weeks or so, especially in the first few moments as baby is latching on, ongoing excruciating pain is the sign that baby is not latching correctly.  This can lead to extra sore and cracked nipples.  Sometimes I can go months with no problems and have cracking problems when a baby first gets teeth, too.  A friend of mine who is a lactation consultant bought me some Medela gel pads when this happened to me the last time, and can I just tell you....ah.  The gel pads offered relief when not nursing and helped me to heal much more quickly.  I just wish I had known about them before my last baby!

If the cracking is so bad that you are bleeding and it is super painful to nurse, sometimes a pump is a good option.  Then you have more control.  I have done this a few times and have been healed enough after 2-3 days of pumping that I can return to nursing.

7)  Especially in the early days, there are some other things you can do to help your skin adjust to nursing.
For me, using Lansinoh, an ointment offered in the hospital with my first baby, was a big mistake.  I know other women love it, but I had so much pain with my first baby, that just went on and on and on, and I just kept putting on the Lansinoh thinking it would help, but eventually I realized that it was preventing my skin from healing and from getting tough enough to handle nursing.  When I stopped using it and allowed myself to air dry for just a few minutes after a feeding (some suggest putting a little breastmilk on after a feeding, this helps too), I healed pretty quickly.  Especially since leaking is more common in the first days, I found that keeping the pads dry (oh yes, pads are a must at first! unless you want to be embarrassed by a wet spot) helps with soreness and healing (or just going free and easy under a cotton shirt for a few minutes if you have older kids).  (I tried letting myself air dry for 15 minutes a day a few weeks before I delivered, and this seemed to help give a jump start on this process, as I'd be sore for much less time)

8)  To help prevent mastitis, wear a good fitting bra and don't sleep on your stomach.  Of course, who can go out bra shopping with a brand new baby?  As undesirable as it is, I have had to do this a couple of times, with other little ones in tow, because I underestimated the size of bra I'd need before I delivered.  A couple of times I've gotten mastitis because a bra was too small; when that happens the pressure can block the flow of milk and cause painful lumps or mastitis.  Speaking of bras, if you are concerned about sagginess later, it is important to wear one day and night (just a more comfortable one).  I like this one for comfort (and convenience, with built-in discreet removable pads), though it isn't as supportive as some and more expensive than most.  "Breastfeeding often gets blamed for sagging boobs, but actually it's pregnancy, weight gain and poor bra support that affect the shape and size of breasts." (Parenting online)  Breastfeeding is not to blame for saggy boobs!  Gravity, age, pregnancy, poor support (I guess that is related to gravity) are the culprits, not breastfeeding.

9)  If you do get mastitis (symptoms: a hard painful lump that is red on the surface, sometimes there can be red streaks emanating from this spot, and sometimes you can have a fever), never fear, but do call your doctor.  Even though there are some good home remedies that can help you heal from mastitis, it is still better to play it safe and have some antibiotics called in and ready to use should things turn south fast (learned this the hard way, when my husband had to leave the house at 2am once to get me antibiotics).  A warm pack can help, as can massaging the area as baby nurses (ouch, but it helps).  And whatever you do, keep nursing on that side!  If you don't, it will only get worse.  In fact, I will often nurse on the sore side first until things are better, and you definitely want baby to empty things out, so let them nurse and nurse on the sore side.

10)  Get in a comfortable relaxed place, physically and mentally.  This will help your milk let down.

11)  Set goals.  I really, really wanted to nurse at least a year, as I had read that was optimal.  I had some troubles with my oldest that seemed at times insurmountable  but because I wanted to go a year, I made myself push through them (I did have a time, when he was 10 months old, when I got super cracked and sore and would pump and get all sorts of blood in the milk, just beautiful, and everyone told me I was close enough and I should just quit, but I had to keep going, and now I'm so glad I did.  I never had a problem that bad again, and realizing I made it through that, gave me the confidence to get through new teeth and here-and-there challenges with other babies).  I would say give yourself at least six weeks before you call it quits.  By this time the worst is over, and baby has had some good immunity benefits, and baby will start needing less feeding at this point.  If you can stick it out (you can do it!) it only gets better and better after the first six weeks.  I found that the older a baby is, the more fun they are to nurse, because they smile at me and interact and we can enjoy each other.  Sometimes this is the only time a busy toddler will slow down and snuggle.

12)  Don't worry about what other people think.  Before I had a baby, nursing sounded just plain weird. And I bought into the cultural stereotypes that say that breasts are sexual beings.  And yet, nursing is what they are actually made for!  I have seen some women stop nursing because they were just too embarrassed, and the embarrassment stemmed from cultural pressures.  If you become comfortable that you are doing what is best for your baby, and become comfortable with the role of breastfeeding in growing a healthy human being, then it doesn't really matter what others think.  I have almost always used a blanket or some other cover-up when I nurse around others.  This helps, but I also think that you can discreetly breastfeed without a blanket.  I don't use a blanket around my other kids when we are home.  At first, I was worried that I may embarrass them.  But they have gotten so used to seeing me nurse that after the first month or so, they didn't bat an eye in my direction, as they went about their business-- I was just another something in the room, like a painting or a toy or a couch.  And I think this goes a long way to helping my kids have healthy attitudes about sexuality and breastfeeding.

I have had to whip 'em out a few times when I really would rather not have, like an airport security line, on a bench at Disneyland, or even a couple of times in church (once at a swimming pool on vacation, while using a beach towel for protection, while I struggled to wrestle my suit and my newborn wailed away and some other mothers stared at me, ouch, but I couldn't leave my other kids unattended).  Sometimes you just can't find a secluded spot and baby can't be reasoned with (I didn't always want to find a secluded spot, because I would get feeling isolated if I were always going off alone to feed).  And it was just fine (I used my jacket to cover up baby in the airport security line).

13)  Pay attention to gas.  :)  If baby is fussy after a feeding, and he/she has fed long enough, try a couple of things to make sure it's not trapped gas.  I like to keep my babies upright and relatively still after feeding, either on my shoulder or in a baby seat (car seat, etc), even if it is just for a few minutes, but preferably for half an hour, unless it is naptime.  This is why I like to burp a child while upright and not while on my knee or something like that.  This seems to help keep the spit-up under control, though I do think the amount a baby spits up is genetic (I had a couple of big spitter-uppers).  Spit up in and of itself is not a sign of reflux and therefore not a reason to quit nursing.

I found that some foods made my babies irritable in the first few months of nursing.  For me, the main culprit was chocolate.   I found that no amount of chocolate was worth a fussy baby, and before I knew it, I could eat it again.  For some women, there are other foods that irritate their babies, including broccoli/cabbage/cauliflower/dairy products/spicy foods.

14)  If you are worried about how much milk your baby is getting, here are a few tips.

*  Pay attention to how many wet/poopy diapers she has.
*  Listen for gulping sounds as baby nurses.
*  Determine whether baby seems satisfied after a meal.
*  Weight gain that seems acceptable to your doctor.
*  Make sure you are getting enough rest (ha ha right?) and not trying to do too much too fast.  Also, make sure you are getting enough to eat.  It is tempting to try and get your body back, but give yourself some time.  It took nine months to get that way, give yourself at least that to get it back.  And you can't get this special time with your baby back, so for me it was worth being patient with my body for a little while (and I have always eventually gotten it back, sometimes even a little better than before...with this baby I'm still waiting for that to happen).

15)  Remember the benefits.

   This excerpt from Parenting online:

• Breastfed babies have fewer respiratory problems, ear infections, colds and flu than formula-fed babies. Breastfeeding also reduces a child's risk of type 1 and 2 diabetes, childhood leukemia, obesity, heart disease and SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). 
• Breast milk is easy to digest, so nursing babies are less likely to suffer from constipation, reflux and allergies.  
•  Oxytocin, a hormone produced during nursing, helps the uterus contract, allowing moms to recover faster post-delivery. 
• Breastfeeding reduces a woman's risk of developing breast and ovarian cancers, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and high cholesterol later in life. 
• Breast milk is free, always the right temperature, and the fat content even changes according to baby's needs.

And...convenience!  It is always on hand.  Always the right temperature, no need to sterilize anything or worry about keeping milk from spoiling on a trip.  I love that in the middle of the night, I don't have to get up and make a bottle while my baby screams.  I can just sit quietly in the dark and half-sleep while baby goes back to sleep.  Or, if I'm desperate, snuggle baby in bed with me and lie down to nurse (I try not to do this often, as I have at times turned into a human binkie and I have noticed sometimes my little ones get ear infections after I nurse lying down).

16)  If you can't nurse, for whatever reason, don't beat yourself up about it!  Guilt doesn't help you move forward and be the best mom you can be.  There are still ways to imitate some of the best parts of breastfeeding even if you are bottle feeding.  I think some of those are:

*  Holding a baby while bottle feeding.  There have been so many studies that show the cognitive and health benefits of touch on growing babies.  I think this is one of the main benefits of nursing, is that it increases physical contact and closeness.  See here for an article about all the benefits babies derive from touch.

*  Letting baby stop when full, even if there is milk left in the bottle.  This will help start out a child with healthy attitudes about food, and will help them start out on the right foot where weight is concerned.

17)  Structure your life and wardrobe to be nursing friendly.  You don't have to buy nursing tops, just find tops that stretch, or provide coverage in the back, etc.  I wore a dress to church once and promptly regretted it when I had to figure out how to feed my hungry baby, and ended up half indecent in the mothers room with my whole dress piled up above baby's head.  If you are always having to make frustrating or difficult accommodations in order to nurse, you are going to resent it as a big hassle and you'll undermine even your best intentions.  I try to make changes that will make nursing easier, and then I try not to think about what I'm missing, whether it be chocolate or wearing a dress (not to say you can't have a night out and wear that dress!).  When the time comes that I do get to do those things again, it feels in some small way like Christmas, as I have a few new options open back up.  But there is always a little sadness, too, as I realize my baby will never need me in quite the same way again.

18) In the early few weeks, avoid nipple confusion (here) by breastfeeding exclusively and keeping away from bottles and pacifiers.  Because bottle feeding and breast feeding require a slightly different sucking technique, bottle feeding can confuse your infant and undermine breastfeeding (it requires a little more work, though it is actually more calming and satisfying to baby, go figure).  That said, well meaning nurses have given a couple of my babies a little bit of formula or a pacifier (I did room-in with baby, but a couple of times I was exhausted and let them take baby for a few hours while I slept), and it wasn't the end of the world.  You must make your wishes known to your nurses and any family who helps with baby if you want to avoid this trap.

19)  Weaning.  I have found that gradual weaning (I like to take a week or even two, until there is a single feeding, then maybe one every other day, etc) is the easiest on both of us.  Even very attached babies forget much quicker than you'd like them to, the first couple of sad cutting back days are the hardest.  I learned the hard way with my oldest child that I experienced some mild depression when I quit nursing.  I don't know, blame it on the hormones, or the fact that a special time is coming to an end, but it helps me to be prepared now that I know this happens to me.

20)  See nursing times as an opportunity.  An opportunity to connect emotionally with your baby, to give her some attention, to sing songs or stroke her little head or even to read a story.  I read both the Bible and Jane Eyre to my oldest child when he was an infant and he is still super smart!  I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but it certainly didn't hurt!  It can also be a time to rest, when you are still tired and sore from giving birth, and it can be a time to connect with other children.

21)  Involve siblings.  This can be a time they aren't fighting for your attention, and it can be a time that you bond together over the new baby.  If you involve siblings, they are less likely to resent the new baby and more likely to have a better long-term relationship.  It can also help motivate future nursers!  Just make a quick check now and again to make sure there is nothing within reach of a toddler sibling that can cause trouble, grief or danger while you are occupied. :)

22)  Enjoy it.  Don't wish it away.  It will be gone before you know it.  Your body will someday be back, and no one will be depending on it anymore, and you will miss the days when you had a little someone whose growth and development came thanks to your nurturing care.  I look at my babies at some point and have this huge surge of pride when I realize that thanks to me, they have grown so healthy and big.

If you need some more practical nursing tips, see here.  For a post about nursing that makes me cry, see here (don't go if you are squeamish about nursing photos).

Nursing my babies has been such a highlight, in spite of some early days that made me think what the? have I done?  So so special.  I would do it again a million times over.