May Goals

I'm sort of having a brain freeze today.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is the weather that keeps teasing us-- hot cold hot cold hot cold.  One minute we're wearing bathing suits while sliding (or trying, anyway) down a new tri-color slip-n-slide I got in an off season deal, the next minute we're all bundled up in our coats freezing ourselves to death.  Maybe it's May.  No coincidence that Mother's Day is in May, because I think May is one of a mothers busiest months, when we all need some encouragement, right?  I just sat through an exceedingly long meeting at the school while I tried oh-so-hard not to yawn, helped my mom unpack a few things into her new garage (yay!), almost had a play date but there were melting-down kids on both ends, trying over email to talk my husband into buying a better piano (this may be a losing battle, though ours is 50 years old and out of tune, we have never once tuned it, ouch), while I watch two kids out my front window, one riding his bike in circles while his sister walks wistfully on the curb while eating a neon green Otter Pop.  Trying to plan out last soccer games, try-outs, doctor, dentist visits, recitals, graduation parties, moving my parents.  While I mull over all of the things I'd like to do to be a better parent to all of these little ones and try not to think about my stinking tooth that has been killing me since yesterday, when I had prep work for a crown done (by the end of the procedure, my four year-old was sitting on my lap, she insisted on coming and was patient most of the time, she also spent a few minutes peering into my mouth from a millimeter away, it was actually really cute and I enjoyed her, except when she jiggled the table/chair while delicate things were happening in my mouth and I was unable to garble some Frankenstein-like command).

There are so many things I want to work on, even need to work on.  So many.  Half the trouble is just deciding which things are most important.  And now that I'm a year into this, taking a second look at a few things that I need to revisit, because I didn't do some quite right the first time and somehow some things have slipped back where they came from.

So, where am I? (please tell me?)  Because I'm not sure (need to work on those routines!  and the rules, ah, the rules, that is something I'm still so terrible at), I think I'm going to take a break from the more rule/routine-like stuff, because while they need to be worked on, and they facilitate parenting, they aren't what really make me feel like they are reasons why I signed up to be a parent.

So, I'm going to revisit the quality time goal from the first month of my project.  I'm going to analyze how it's being spent and what changes need to be implemented.  I think my older kids need more, and I'd like to give them more one-on-one, so I'm going to think on that and get back to you.  And just focus on showing love to them while I'm at it.

Oh yeah, and enjoying my final days as a nursing mother, as I should probably quit by the end of the month (sound convinced?).

(Oh yeah, and try to convince my husband that we must exercise unusual means to finish that darn Downton Abbey! (thanks, Annie!)  Now I see why everyone is addicted.  Curse you, Downton Abbey, I see some delicious late nights ahead.)

Clear as mud, right?

Have a great, great weekend!  I will miss you all!

Letting Go as Little Ones Grow

Just a warning here, here comes the long and blubbering post I mentioned last week.  Let me just apologize in advance.  :)

A few days after my last baby was born, I called my mother in tears.  The reason?  The crazy, crazy reason?    Because I just didn't know how I could be done having babies.  She helped whip my blubbering self into shape with some mothering-ly kind tough love.  For now, she said, you have a baby.  Don't waste the time you do have with your baby worrying about not having any more babies.  Lol. She was so right, of course.  Since that day, I have tried, not always perfectly, to soak up each and every day with him and with the other kids as well.  But somehow, at the same time, I subconsciously felt that I could hold on to them, that I could somehow grip their childhoods so tightly that I could keep them selfishly mine and little forever.  But it doesn't work.  And that's not all bad-- for example, my little boy is at the delightful stage of dawning new words and phrases each day.  Like today, when we had to get some little girls to a potty pronto, and I scooped him up, and absentmindedly noted to him that we had to find the potty, when he replied matter-of factly (in the cutest little lilting voice): "I tink I tan [can]?!"

Without realizing it, as his birthday started to approach, I started slipping back into the anxious me that worries that somehow if I let go of that beautiful period of babyhood, I will have lost something.  Somehow if I can just....hold on, then my babies were really real, they really did make me cry every time one of them was born, I nursed them to sleep and then stroked their little angel cheeks and their little wispy hair and we smiled at each other in a secret way that I knew was just meant for me.  Then maybe I won't forget little tiny bodies curled up on mine, our breathing and our everything in sync, then maybe I won't forget first words and first steps and kissing away ouchies and sweeping up someone whose most comfortable, unafraid place is my arms.  That's where we were meant to be, together.  To kiss little cheeks and drink in little baby scent on soft folded necks to tiny squeaking giggles.  To be the first to see those little blinking eyes in a morning as we both remember we have each other!  Ha!  So lucky.  That I can just wonder at the little miracle that I made! I made (ok, with a little help!)!  Somehow I feel if I can just hold on, I won't forget, just how lovely and special and life-changing and sweet it's all been.  Having my heart outside my body.  How I never thought I wouldn't really matter anymore, when there is someone so special to love, but it's true.  Never the same.

When my grandpa died, there were some parts of me that took it hard.  The ones that grieved for things lost.  But there was another part, a cathartic part.  The part that surprised me.  Something just felt right.  I struggled to wrap my head around it, but my heart felt it, it felt right. He lived a good life.  His grandsons carried his body in strength of grief to his final resting place dug out of fresh brown dirt while new generations jumped off headstones or were calmed by strong mothers with long flowing skirts that blew with a gentle strength into a blue beyond.  The one that lets old things die, new things grow, and the middle things contribute to the creation of new life.

Do we need to be afraid of endings?  And are they really endings?  I looked around to all of the people with heads bowed in respect to my grandfather, and I saw his children, his grandchildren, his great grandchildren, all with literal physical parts of themselves that carry him on with them.  And his legacy that will live on in their minds and hearts and will carry forth to new ones that will never quite know where an idea or an inspiration came from, only to know that it became a part of them before they even noticed the ingredients that made up their individual selves.  I saw in the beauty of the children playing, the renewal, the spring after the winter.  And I saw that life isn't just full of endings and beginnings, it is full of circles that never really end or begin.  The real tragedies in life are the ones that get complacent and stale, not the ones, no matter how short, that have purpose.  Even those dearest of ones who have gone to a better world so so early, they left behind a part of themselves that is sweet and just as real.  An inspiration to live worthy of being with them again in addition to leaving behind something that literally becomes a part of those who loved them, to go on influencing people for good long after their physical presence is gone.

I do feel rather silly, for being sad about saying goodbye to babies when there are so many people out there who struggle to have children.  I have five healthy ones.  Some days I feel guilty for the ease, the plenty that I have been given.  Sometimes it doesn't seem fair.  Yet on other days, I hold my children that much closer, I love them, I appreciate them, and I do it for the childless, aching arms, because I know what is what they'd want, and what they'd do.

As I prepared for little boys birthday, some of my fears started to melt away.  Because age 2 is such a magical birthday age-- when the magic of birthdays really starts to dawn-- it can be so delightful!  (even though he is in a "no" stage and told us "no" in an angry voice-- "no birt-day!" --when we told him "its your birthday!" ha.)  I anticipated his birthday with so much excitement because I could hardly contain my excitement for his excitement.

There are still going to be some ups and downs, as I try to figure out how to wean my very attached child (yes, he would nurse all day if I let him!).  And realize that letting go is okay.  That progression is good, and it is not an ending.  Um, didn't I call my mother to sob about being done having babies?  As I still call my mom when times are tough or happy or anything inbetween.  I still need my own mom, no matter how tough or independent I try to appear.  So motherhood doesn't end either, as we grow right along with our little ones.

I am so thankful I have been able to take part in this circle of life, to give of myself in ways that make my children stronger and happier without knowing quite how or why.   Life with its cycles of sowing and harvest, its chain of renewal, its sweeps from old to new and back again, that is what it is all about.  The only thing to really be afraid of is stagnation, a stalling of progress around the chain from its forward movement around the circle that binds us.

Haley Gibby sang my favorite version of the Billy Joel song Goodnight My Angel, you can listen to it here.  I had it originally playing on this birth announcement for Emerson here (don't know why the photos but not the songs are working now).

Goodnight my angel time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day.
I think I know what you've been asking me,
I think you know what I've been trying to say.
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
I never will be far away.

Goodnight my angel now its time to sleep,
And still so many things I want to say.
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay.
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this mother's heart
You'll always be a part of me.

Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Some day your child may cry and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part
Of me.

(I found these old photos of the day we blessed our little Ava.  )

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http://www.iamamormonmom.blogspot.com/2011/06/emerson.html

April Round Up

I guess I'd better just get this over with. :)

April goals were not exactly stellar.  Not even close.  :)  While most goals just didn't happen, period, I did formulate an after school schedule with the kids, which hasn't been implemented yet.  I have a couple of reasons for this.  One is the whole ADD diagnosis thing.  I have learned a lot about how (I almost said how I think I think, ha) my brain functions and had some possible new insights into how my kids' operate.  This has made me take a step back and recognize that we may need some unique methods to achieve certain goals.  In addition, I have been reading and loving Kim John Payne's Simplicity Parenting.  What a gem.  So beautifully written and insightful.  I will share all about it when I've finished.  I have had so many a-ha moments when reading this book.  I feel like the insights I'm gaining will help me try to create the most effective routines for our particular situation (though I've learned they will help anyone, but are especially critical in an ADD situation).

For those of you who have expressed support and concern for me and my family this month, thank you so much!  I sure love you guys. :)  I am starting to feel much better, and I am excited for next month.  Been thinking a lot about what comes next.  Oh yeah, and it's been a year since I started this project!  Wahoo.  So so glad.  It has been a lifeline for me in a lot of ways, and I love that I have a record of some of the wonderful and crazy things that go on around here.  And some new friends!

See you tomorrow.

Random Preschool Ideas

This post is really random.  But it was on my mind, so I thought I'd catch that while I still can!

I've mentioned this before, I bought a preschool curriculum when my second oldest child was in preschool.  I   have always loved the preschool age and I get a huge boost from teaching and doing hands on activities with my little ones (my mom has a degree in early childhood education, think that has something to do with it?  she inspired me).  Sometimes it's hard to think of ideas out of the blue, so I enjoyed that the curriculum came with a lesson manual and crafts ready-to-make.  But, as you see below, there is nothing fancy or rocket-science-ish about what we learn!  Now you get the picture, you can make up your own, right?  And you can find free coloring pages online.  I love the hands-on learning at this age and think it is just as important as learning numbers and letters and the other things we typically think of when we think of preschool.   And I love that we can learn about random things because there is no pressure just yet to know it all and kids this age are such clean slates and eager (though short attention span) learners.

Since we had some pretty crappy weather from January to mid-April this year, we have used our preschool materials a lot!  I have found that I have enjoyed using some various materials, including the Internet (this usually after a lesson is over), as tools.  Nothing fancy, I'll just google whatever it is we learned about and voila!  Someone, somewhere in the world has made a video or a song or a book about it.

We've found that we like to have a short lesson (5-10 mins?)(see below for some of the topics we've covered, most inspired by the preschool curriculum or time of year), we have a very short review of letters/colors, sing a song (or dance around, sometimes like a crazy person, they love that), play a game, go for a walk, or make a craft.  My kids really enjoy it and I do too!

Here are a few topics/resources we have enjoyed together.

Eskimo Olympics. I had never even heard of this before we learned about it!  But it was very interesting!  We liked the four man carry, ear pull, toe kicks, and greased pole (link to videos on top of the website linked to).

Sheepdog trials and sheep shearing.  We also learned Baa, Baa Black Sheep and version below, to the same tune (learned in England, I can hardly sing this one without a British accent, at least in my head, ha):

Baa, baa white sheep
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full.
One to knit a jumper
And one to make a frock,
And one to mend a hole in the little boy's sock.

Baa, Baa white sheep
Look Over there
See all the nanny goats going to the fair
With white shoes and white socks and white curly hair
See all the nanny goats going to the fair.

Irish dancing. (if you don't want to watch the whole thing go to 4:44)

Polar Bears (photos).

Kids Around the World.  Living in Europe for two years was such a rich cultural experience for me.  I loved being exposed to such a variety of food, customs, architecture, and dress within a small geographic region.  I want my kids to experience it, too, but we can't exactly run off to Europe!  So sometimes we'll look at photos of other countries on the computer (including our own) or rarely we'll have a dinner from the region (Swiss Cheese Fondue a favorite).  This blogger has done many "international nights" and it is fun to see her photos.  I'm just not quite there yet. :)
 
(we did a Spain dinner with Iberico chorizo and Manchego cheese I found at the local grocery store)

Again, another favorite song by Raffi, on a favorite album here (the song is Like Me and You).  I also love De Colores if you want to sing in Spanish (and it is all about the colors of the world in the spring!)!  Or...learn The Itsy Bitsy Spider in Spanish (La Arana Penquenita here, at :43).

Martin Luther King Day - a great opportunity to talk about treating everyone the same regardless of how we look.  And to talk about standing up for people who are bullied or otherwise mistreated.

I enjoy the book Henry's Freedom Box.

Things that Fly - This is a favorite Raffi song (Raffi is probably my favorite kids songster of all time), Flying in an Airplane.  It was fun for my little one to try to figure out all of the things that fly and then she wanted to color/hang up a drawing of a hot air balloon.

Dr. Seuss (Feb) - Great excuse to read some fun Dr. Seuss or to watch Horton Hears a Who.

Healthy Eating/Kids in the Kitchen - this was a fun opportunity to enjoy some different snacks as we learn about how different foods help our body (carrots for eyes, for example, just to bring your mothers voice to mind), and later I involved the kids a little more heavily than normal with some baking tasks (messy but worth it, and it has helped me relax a little more).

Hibernation.  This was one of our all time most successful "preschool" activities.  We "hid" some nuts, then went to "sleep" in our "den" under a blanket.  Then we'd wake up, unearth a nut (under a dish towel), eat it, and go back to sleep.  Because I just happened to have an assorted pile of nuts (bought by my husband), we also got to try a whole bunch of different kinds of nuts.  My kids liked most of the nuts we tried (and cracking some open), and they wanted to play this game over and over for about 30 minutes.

Spring - I love to go for walks in the spring and show them the new leaves and the buds on the trees and fresh flowers starting to push their way out of the soil.  The nice thing about this one is that it can be a simple walk around the block!  Or to go for a drive and try to spot any new baby animals.

Teeth  - we set up a "dentist chair" -- with toothbrushes, floss, etc, and pretended to clean each other's teeth.  Having an unpredictable four year-old energetically working on your teeth while semi-prone with mouth open has to be one of the more vulnerable but funny positions I've ever been in-- a lotta faith, I tell you, a lotta faith.

Oh yes, and when we dance for the fun of it, sometimes I find that is a good time to introduce them to different styles of music (hello, Pandora, I love you).  I love this CD for introducing classical music to little kids, we have really enjoyed it, especially Catch a Saber Tooth Tiger.  I have a few simple instruments like shakers, bells, sticks, a triangle, tambourine, and streamers that we will also use sometimes as we dance or sing.

These are just a few of the things we learned about this year, maybe I need to link to this next fall?

Hobby Photo Shoot

A family called me last week and asked if I would take their photo.  I am still mortally afraid that someone will not like the work I do-- still an amateur, you know!   It was such great fun to get to practice on this cute family.   And the weather was gorgeous.

I warned them that I am not a poser!  Ha.  So they needed to come with some poses in mind.  (in the end, I had a few ideas I got from the internet, but they were well prepared, so these are their ideas with help from a friend who lives next door!).  So fun.

And I have to admit, even though I love the family, I was ready to take the truck and the baby home as payment when we were done. :)

 
 (this one was unposed)

How was your weekend?  Do you like old trucks and babies, too?

April Goals Update

I haven't updated about goals this month because, welllll.....this month's goals have been very spotty at best, non-existent at other times.  I have a few days left to pull something from somewhere, right? 

I did notice on the days I drank more water and restricted myself to fruits/vegetables for snacks that I felt really good!  It is so easy to use busyness as an excuse not to do some things that are important, like eating healthily.  One thing I did do, since we have eaten out like crazy this month (ug), is spend a couple of days turning my kitchen into a tornado while attempting to make something edible for freezing and eating later.  Soccer season is in full swing and that is one reason it is hard to eat healthy dinners!  I have never been much of a freezer dinner person (I wasn't even sure if I was supposed to pre-cook the stuff before I froze it?), but now is as good a time as any to start, right? 

I did chat with the kids about an after school routine, but we haven't implemented yet.  And I just keep weakening when it comes to helping littlest boy sleep through the night, even though I really need it (and need to start getting up early again!  makes my whole day go better).  I love holding that little soft hand and feeling his warm breath in my face and watching those little eyelashes rest on his downy white cheeks.  I have been having a little anxiety about letting my baby grow up, and about being done with babies in general.  You'd think after five I would be having no trouble, but alas.  I wrote a whole blubbery long post yesterday and decided it would be best to sit on it a minute before publishing, you know.  Maybe next week.

Have an absolutely wonderful, fantastic, happy weekend.  Miss you already!