Control Battles

I hinted at some two-year old type control battles that are starting to cause little hurricanes of dismay around here.  As I try really hard not to laugh.  Or cry.

A little light dawned on me today as I recognized one of my problems during my discipline month as well as the month following.  Being a good disciplinarian does not mean one will have their kids perfectly under control at all times, it means having oneself in control (most of the time).   After all, we cannot control our children, or any other human being for that matter, we can only control ourselves, and to an extent, the environment.  So it would be unfair to expect everything to run smoothly just because I have set some reasonable rules, reasonable consequences, and even enforced them with reasonable consistency.  And even if I could control my children, would I really want to?  While my answer may feel a bit tentatively to outright blatantly "yes" on some days, it is really no.  I don't.  The ultimate goal of discipline is to help them learn self discipline.  Are they going to learn to think for themselves if they are constantly told what to do?  Will they learn self discipline if they are never allowed to make mistakes and learn from them?

So, it stands to reason, that no matter how good we are at consistently and patiently reinforcing reasonable rules, that there will still be moments of chaos, imperfect times when we will have to clean up messes or interrupt dinner or leave something undone (in fact, I'm realizing that to be effective I have to plan on such things).  My kids will make mistakes, as will I.  But if they feel free to make them, and they still feel loved, then they are free to learn from the consequences in ways that will help them mature into responsible adults.  This also includes feeling free to voice concerns and express emotions that are sometimes unpleasant to parents, but are equally important in helping a child feel validated and "safe" and unconditionally loved.

Here is another little revelation about control: controlling parents invite more control battles from their kids.  Because one of kids' most urgent innate desires is to have some sense of autonomy and control over his/her life, if they aren't given enough legitimate control, they will find other ways to show us we can't control them.  Think bedtime dawdling, refusing to eat dinner, etc.  Thus some of the very misbehavior we are trying to prevent by attempting to control our children is undermining that very effort.  Only by providing them enough autonomy are we showing them "I trust you," and "you can handle this," "you are important," "you can make good decisions," reducing their need to show us they are in control through passive aggressive behaviors.  When an adult in a child's life gets all whipped into a fury, the child, who may not be getting enough of his needs met for control (and positive attention, the other most basic need), gets an enormous dose of control.  After all, they subconsciously think, if I can get a big powerful grown up to throw an adult tantrum, then I am in control, right?

So, one of the keys, as explained in Parenting With Love and Logic (Fay), is to give a child as many choices as possible that are both acceptable to the parents.  Like "would you like to wear your green shirt or your red one?" or "would you like to set the table now or in 5 minutes?"

And, ultimately, our kids learn much more from what we do than what we say.  So if we are examples of control and discipline, including setting boundaries for what we will not allow to impinge upon our boundaries (whining for example-- we can't control their whining, but we can limit its effect on us by asking the whiner to go to his/her room away from us), that sets the ultimate example in helping our children learn self control.

Some of these principles are so obvious its crazy, right?  And yet, so easy to forget.  I was reminded of these principles from some of the webinars I've done through Positive Parenting Solutions.

How do you step back and allow your child appropriate control?  Do you ever have moments when you realize that something you were stubborn about really doesn't matter in the scheme of things?  Any good experiences in letting go of control?

Woman's Search for Happiness

This morning, I had one of those moments.  You know, those moments.  I had sandwiched the night between the couch downstairs and the floor next to my little boy's mattress.  (so I wouldn't wake anyone up with my hacking cough)  There was a graveyard of fluffy used tissues in a half-circle next to the sofa.  Toys were scattered pell-mell across the living room floor, dishes filled my sink, piles of papers threatened to spill over their stacks all across the kitchen counter.  In my flu-induced stupor, I was trying to get bleary kids ready for a late day.  There was one on the computer playing chess in his pajamas, one half-ready in her summer shorts in the kitchen, another dragging, dragging, downstairs in her bright pink nightgown, wondering why. I. have. to. go. to school.  every. day.  Another little girl wonders where I was last night and why I didn't return to lay with her a second time.  Then I remembered I had a meeting this morning, ug.  With my nose still plugged with all manner of.  And some errands to run and this house.  Oh, this house.  It was clean a week ago, and today it looks like the 7th circle of &*%#.  There are two current construction zones and an emergency management zone, plus, I've been sick all week!  So I'm kind of behind.  Oh yeah, and we're going on a date with some friends tonight.  What am I going to wear?  Nothing fits, seeing as I weigh as much as I did when I had my babies.  Ouch. (my darned knees are injured so I can't exercise, which is killing me!)  And what if they want to come over afterward?  Great spotless trendy cute perfect people.  They are going to think we are the keepers of the dump.  I'm imagining my embarrassment.  Oh yeah, and some paperwork due at school today, the very last day.  Is it buried under one of the many Pisa-like piles?

I've been a little distracted lately.  And a little down about some general life challenges.  If you ever think my life is breezy, well, I definitely struggle with some things.  Some things that weigh really heavy some days. 

So...on this particular day, when all of the tornado was coming to pass, as I tried to whip through the chaos and ready some little people, I had a little moment of ....well, you'll see.

We were standing in the corner of the kitchen.  My four year-old was looking up at me and demonstrating with her hands in a very emphatic way about how she wanted me to just "scoop" her eggs into her mouth.  My son was waxing on about parallelograms.  They were both oblivious that the other was having a completely independent conversation with me at the same time. 

Then my nine year-old started to speculate about a person named "Ima," and what if her last name was "Buttchip."  And what if Ima Buttchip went to Hogwarts and Professor Flitwick, in calling her name, said "I'm a Buttchip."  And then she proceeded to go through an extensive individual list of the staff at Hogwarts, imagining each calling themselves (basically), a Buttchip.  So I got to hear this over and over and over.  I'm a Buttchip.  I'm a Buttchip.  I'm a Buttchip. 

And pretty soon, we're late for school, again.....and I'm rounding up a couple of things and my seven year old has a meltdown.  She is wailing and sucking in air, and looking around with truly distressed blue-green eyes with tears dripping out of them and a sideways distressed mouth that compresses her lips and reveals her crooked growing-in teeth and saying that her sister called her a... Buttchip.  To which a distant voice calls from a distant room that she was not calling her a Buttchip, "she just didn't understand I was making a joke"...la la la.  Kind of funnier because we don't even really say the word "butt" at our house.

And I had this weird crazy happy feeling.  Crazy because I felt feeling fill my whole chest cavity as it dawned on me that....I love this.  I love these little people that make me crazy happy.  I love that in all of this chaos that feels so out of control some days, that I get to listen to after school stories, comfort end-of-the-world knee scrapes, tie shoes, help with school projects, tuck-in-bedders and shoo out-of-bedders; even  that I get to muffle a laugh-cry as I try to mold my face into pious sympathy while my daughter wails about being called a "buttchip."

And even in middle of the wailing, I looked at that little girl that I was so nervous I might lose last month and saw a whole package of a person I love so much.  Five little unique people, really, that I love individually, who make life so rich and fun and interesting and purposeful.

And I remembered a quote I read from Victor Frankl, the gist of which was "don't search for happiness, search for meaning."  And that is one of the reasons my heart was so full, because I saw how much meaning there was in all of it.  A lot of little people and a lot of meaning.  And when life seems a bit hard to take some days, they are the reason I hold on.  My reason to be better, to hang on, to give them a happy life.  And that is what makes me happy, not the chasing of happiness, but that moment when it finds me and settles on me in the most unexpected places.

When I searched for the exact quote, I couldn't find it.  But I did find out that Victor Frankl was a survivor of the Nazi death camps. 

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”
― Viktor E. Frankl

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”
― Viktor E. Frankl

(Quotes taken from Goodreads)

Don't search for happiness, search for meaning.  For me, meaning comes from trying each day to make someone's life better.  That makes me happy.  Even if it involves Buttchips.

In the midst of all the lateness and craziness this morning, I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of this sweet little boy who stole in a snuggle with me this morning and fell asleep.  Isn't baby sleeping just magical?  So glad I get a first-row seat with this sweet view.

What gives your life meaning?  Do you have a hero that has inspired you? 

Life Lately and a Couple A' Links

Of course this little girl was delighted for an opportunity to represent her favorite book character at school one day.  She even made the paper crest patch for her robe.  She makes a cute Hermione, huh?




We went for a walk on a clear but cold day last week.  The kids were in heaven (even though I made that cute girl go back in and change into warmer pants).  It was so nice to be outside after living through a very long, gray, wet, bitterly cold winter.  Ever since that day the baby tells me "go a walk!  go a walk!"  These opposing creative outfits really express these girls' personalities.



If you would like to watch a replay of the webinar "Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling" see here.  I have also spent some time watching some of her other training sessions (it did cost some money, I will have to give you a free rundown after I'm finished :).  Its been very helpful for me personally, as I was in need of some tips in some trouble areas, including my upcoming resolution to work on the morning routine!).  I'm also reading a couple of books that will make for some interesting future post material. Wahoo!

And, for those of you who need a break sometimes from thinking only about parenting and kids, here are a couple of fun links.  This one, on printed denim.  What do you think?  And this super cute swimsuit, out of my price range and would never work on my body, but it's fun to dream (maybe a good motivator to start exercising again?).  And for my cerebral friends?  Tell me about a good book you read lately?  I'm going to read this.  What about favorite movies?  I saw two excellent films over the last month.  The Artist (loved it), and the controversial Les Mis (made me cry).  What about you?

Happy Thursday everyone!

Splish Splash I Was Takin' a....

It has been hard to get this little boy in the bath lately.  Yesterday I decided to scrap what  I had planned with the kids and instead play with him while he was in the tub.  He was so reluctant that I had to coax him in with a dive-bombing alien; even then he stood for probably ten minutes before he could bring himself to sit down.  After he got playing, I think he remembered just how fun baths can be!  He kept calling the alien a "ghostie," which joined his little car Guido as a comfort object for the day. (and we discovered Ghostie glows at bedtime)  A few minutes of playing soon melted into nearly an hour of not-wanting-to-get-out.  I was happy to sit for that long since I still wasn't feeling too well myself.

(another little funny side note:  any time a tub toy would drip profusely, he would say it was "pooping")

That beautiful black stuff in the tub is plumbers glue (the previous homeowners sold the tub the plumber replaced).  So the tub is clean, let's just pretend we are trending tub tattoos and couch tattoos around here (I can't remember if I shared the couch tattoo story on this blog or just on Instagram?  We were the recipient of a beautiful bright blue snowflake stamp on our new sofa.  I could not get it out, even though our couches have been stain treated.  For a short time I tried really hard to convince myself that I did indeed want the new couch tattoo I had been gifted, but I was really relieved to receive Amodex from the couch company, which completely removed the entire stain!  Whew!  I think I'd rather have a couch tattoo as a voluntary measure.)

Some day I am sure going to miss those little wrinkled fingers and toys lined up on the edge of the tub and carrying a snuggly little one in a warm fuzzy towel and pink baby lotion and the smell of my baby's head after a bath.

As you can probably tell, even though we haven't reached the actual age of two here, we have reached the age at which certain two year old behaviors are notorious.  That's not to say that I don't just want to eat up this cute little thing every day, of course.  I love this link my sister sent me, called 46 Reasons My Three Year-Old Might Be Freaking Out.  So super funny!  Sometimes its fun to take a step back and realize how funny some of this stuff can be.  And we'll miss that little kid whose "lip tastes salty" or whose "shirt has a tag on it." (and probably wish our problems were that simple again, right?)  Is there something seemingly insignificant that has caused a melt-down at your house?

Under the Weather and an Unexpected Attachment Object

We are still under the weather around here.  I have some fun photos for tomorrow.  For today, let this suffice:

This cute little car has not been put down for probably three weeks (unless it is involuntarily reliquished).  He always carries it in one chubby fist or the other and he even sleeps with it.  He vrooms it across my shoulder while he nurses. He has been resisting a bath for a while now and today I realized that it's probably because I don't let him take it in the bath (today I relented).  It is sort of interesting to watch him try to manage manual dexterity-requiring tasks with his little forklift nestled in his hand.  After a nap, during which time it invariably falls out of his little hand, he is fussy or inconsolable until it is found.  Because I was at first confused as to which actual character it was in the movie Cars, he calls it interchangeably "Wee-doe" (Guido) or "Wee-Gee" (Luigi).  So super cute.

Back tomorrow. :)

A Date With a Crazy Driver

Sorry for so much blah blah blah the last few days.  Time for some silent photos soon.

So....my kids are keeping me honest now that they have discovered I scheduled dates with them on my calendar (back when I worked on organization...I have one child scheduled for a date each month, so they'll get one every 4 months-ish).  Friday I was able to go out with my oldest son to a local boy heaven-- it had laser tag, arcades, go karts, and bowling under one roof (I happened to have some credits there from a couple of years ago, oops).  We did a couple of arcade games first; he had a good laugh at my terrible target shooting and I was duly impressed by his.  We also sat in some kind of motion simulator (only for him, let me tell you, I usually hate those things) and got our brains jiggled out against the jittery yellow vinyl backed seats, as we catapulted through a "haunted" mine.

Then he decided we should earn some tickets.  So we tried shooting some hoops, whereupon I introduced him to some good old fashioned "Skee-ball."  (best way to earn tickets, in my mind)  He liked it so much we used up the rest of the allowance on our cards and disappointedly tried to push the yellow button even though we knew we had no money left (just in case?).  He did eventually redeem our tickets for a couple super cheap plastic spiders to give his sisters when we got home.

Next up, laser tag.  Who knew how fun laser tag could be?  It was the two of us, a middle aged couple and their princess daughters (probably 5 and 7?), their son, and the acne-ridden guy who worked there (without him, lets just say....we'd have been annihilated  against a whole big group of twelve year-old boys.  It was so fun sneaking through the neon black darkness, hiding behind pillars, running, dodging, and trying to shoot the glowing vests of the deviously evil boys on the other team.  :) 

Then we visited the bowling alley.  On the way there, we laughed about my adventures in bowling as a twenty something, when I got three strikes in a row, impressing all the boys in the process (no one more surprised than myself), and then proceeded to bowl nearly straight gutter balls the rest of the game.  Lol.  I had a near repeat of this experience, in different sequence, as I'd bowl a strike and then a couple of gutter balls, etc.  He had a good laugh about that, though he often remained good naturedly concerned as he watched some of my shots veer toward the gutter, right until my ball was sucked silently into the bowling abyss.  He did pretty well himself, and we had a good laugh in a virtually empty bowling alley filled with eighties music.

Last of all, we went outside in stinging winter air to try out the go-karts, my son's favorite.  He offered to drive, and I got to be the giddy passenger.  He had been sharing his go kart driving exploits from a friends birthday party all weekend, so I was all prepared for some crazy driving.  And boy was it crazy!  He is normally pretty mild mannered, but he was aggressive in that machine, keeping the pedal to the metal all the way around the tight corners (I noticed his neck had some purplish marks from the seat belt for a couple of days afterward), and as I white knuckled a bit when he tried to pass some other swerving cars driven by boys of similar age.  I think I laughed most the way.  It was pretty fun, minus breathing in some heavy fumes between breath holding.

I love letting the outer adult go in times like these and remembering how it felt to be a kid.  Especially since my kids just seem to eat it up when I act like a kid with them for a bit.  And also letting the child I'm with lead the play.  Fun for both of us.

He thanked me a lot of times for our little "date."  That night, he curled up on my bed and said "Mom, I want to ask you something."  We ended up having a heart to heart conversation.

Have a wonderful weekend!  I will miss you, friends!  Goals next week, because I'm feeling lazy right now.  :)  Love to all.