What I'm Learning, Month 5: Use Acts of Service with Care

For some quick background, in The Five Love Languages books, Gary Chapman (and in the one for kids, Ross Campbell), describe how people give and receive love in different ways. Their theory is that we each have a "love language" that speaks loudest to us. And we tend to speak to others in our own love language. So, for example, I know my primary love language is "quality time." When I want someone to feel loved, I show it by spending time with them! But maybe their love language is "acts of service," so it's kind of like speaking Portuguese to someone who really speaks French-- it may not communicate what we want it to. The key to communicating love is finding and speaking in the other person's primary love language. Now, kids need all five, until they are old enough to have exhibited a preference, and we all need all five in varying degrees throughout our life. But the bottom line is, some speak more loudly to certain individuals than others. The love languages are: acts of service, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gifts.

I've been thinking a lot about how to help my kids feel loved through "acts of service" (and I'm pretty sure this is my husband's language too). As a mother, we do so many acts of service throughout the day and night. As the mother to five, let me tell you, I feel my day is a continual round of acts of service, from changing sheets to fixing meals to cleaning up throw up. Because this isn't my own primary love language, sometimes it seems less important to me than some of the other love languages. And it is so easy to get lost in the continuous round of tasks and forget that those tasks are ultimately about people.

Thinking back on my own life, I remember little acts of service that different people did for me. One that stands out right this minute is that my dad used to repair my cassette tapes that had somehow gotten all tangled, unraveled, or broken (cassettes-- this harks back to dinosaurs, huh?). I'm sure fixing my tapes wasn't high on his list, but as a teenager, music was a huge part of my life. He would also fix my necklaces that got tangled beyond human ability to unravel, yet somehow, with patience and time, he would magically fix them and I'd find them all fixed and neat sitting on my dresser. I can't tell you how much these little acts of service helped me feel my dad's love and that I was important to him.

Going out of my way to do something nice for my kids is nice, but I can show love through ordinary everyday tasks, too. One of the things I love about going home is how homey it is-- my mom keeps the house so clean and inviting and warm and nice-smelling and comfortable. And she always has fresh sheets on the bed. Ahhh..... Now I notice those little invisible things my mom did all those years. And I love it and sure appreciate all those hidden acts of service.

What is it that differentiates an act of service from a household task or something on the to-do list?

1. How the service was performed. Giving a smile, a hug, or a happy word to someone as I go about daily tasks such as combing hair, fixing breakfast. (let's just say I need to work on this some of the time!) Actions that show "you are important to me." "You are not a burden." "I am so lucky to have you." These speak even louder than words.

2. Who it was done for-- my cassette tapes were probably of no importance to my dad, who probably saw them as an immature teenage phase. But they were important to me.

3. Timing. Doing something when it is needed by my child instead of waiting until it is convenient for myself.

4. Time. Taking extra time or effort to do something for someone is a powerful way to communicate love.

As I look back to all the people that have made a difference in my life, those little, meaningful, thoughtful acts of service made a much bigger impact than I thought they did.

One word of caution in the realm of acts of service. I have to be careful when I do for them something they could do for themselves: sometimes this actually communicates "I don't trust you. You are incapable. You need to be rescued." (remember healthy balance from month 3 of teaching kids work) I heard a radio program the other day. An expert was telling how much more involved parents are than they used to be in kid's day-to-day lives, even to the point of intervening with a professor in college or a boss at work (he backed this up with research dating from the present back to the sixties). And that kids today have way more anxiety about navigating today's world. Whoa. We have to be careful not to cripple our kids by doing too much for them or by communicating to them they are inadequate by stepping in when they should be learning how to handle things themselves. Link to a NY Times article on this subject.

Is there an act of service someone did for you that has made a difference in your life? Have a wonderful holiday weekend!

Sorry for the picture glut.  I took these yesterday and I just couldn't resist.  So fun to capture their childlike expressions and play.  Right down to kicking in the fountain (I wasn't sure if that was ok?).  When we went to leave, I turned around and this little girl was in the fountain thigh-deep.  :)  Oops.

Sending Yourself Positive Messages

Sorry...this isn't what I had planned for today!  I don't have a well-filler for this month, at least nothing tangible.  Instead, I've been thinking a lot about what a positive mental attitude does and why it is important.  Enjoy!  Have anything that helps you pump yourself up when you are feeling down?

Sending your kiddos positive messages is probably way up there on your list.  But what about yourself? 

Here are a few positive messages to brighten your day. 



Enjoy these quotes I found on Pinterest.

Source: deseretbook.com via Corinne on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Corinne on Pinterest

This is a good reminder.  Believe in yourself, but realize no one can have it all-- you have to choose.

Source: blog.modcloth.com via Corinne on Pinterest

I love this!  I'd rather teach my kids to try and fail than not to try all.

Source: instagram.heroku.com via Corinne on Pinterest

"Be yourself" was something that resonated with me from Rubin's The Happiness Project. 



I heard this on the radio one day and I thought it was a good message that with God's help, we can be "Strong Enough."

A Little Praying Mayhem- Deliver Us?

Off for a summer date with a little one.  Yay!  I'm still loving quality time from month one.  I'm amazed at how much showing love through acts of service has been on my mind, just in the first day, even though school hasn't started yet.  Its really nice to be conscious of how using acts of service (even as simple as getting a child a drink right away instead of putting her off) shows love.  Enjoy this mayhem-ish prayer story from a few days ago.  A frequent happening at our house.  Happy Tuesday!

I love those sweet and innocent paintings of children praying.  And I believe Jesus when He said we must become as little children.

But prayers aren't always so angelic at our house.

Here is how one went (roughly) at our house the other night.  Our little three year old offers to say virtually every prayer.  Her hand shoots up and she gets this cute proud grin on her face.  :)

Three year old, in a cute high pitched, sing-songy voice:  Dear Heavenly Father....
[pause]
[whispers loudly] What else?
[Baby banging two toys together, oblivious]
Me, squinting one eye open: What are you thankful for?
Three:  [repeats what I said, as a matter-of-fact statement] What are you thankful for.
[Ten year old, 9 year old and 6 year old giggle]
[Three year old, still grinning, giggles too]
[Husband, sitting on the floor in the corner, has his head against the wall and his eyes closed]
Three whisper-shouts: What next?
[pause]
Nine year-old: Thank you for this day.
Three:  Thank you for this day!
Eleven year old hiss-whispers: please bless Grampie!
Three:  Please bless Grampie!
Six year-old loudly whispers: And grandma!  And Grandpa!
Three: And Grandma.  And Grandpa.
[with eyes wide open now, kicking a toy with her foot, now she picks it up and starts to play with it]
Nine:  And the sad people!
Me: Ava!  Fold your arms!
Three year old: oh.  [still kicking her feet, looking around the room]  And please bless the sad people.
[Six year-old starts taking a toy the baby wants, they start a tug-of-war with baby screaming loudly, still oblivious, six year-old still doesn't let go]
[Husband in the corner, with his head against the wall, eyes closed.  I think he is asking for delivery.  right now.]
Eleven year old:  [hint, hint] Name of Jesus [this is how we close our prayers]
Nine whispers: ...Christ amen!
[can always tell when the kids are tired of the prayer because they tell the pray-er to close this way]
Three:  Name of Jesus Christ AMEN!  [Raises both arms in the air in triumph, like I DID IT!  You are so proud of me!]

It's a good thing there is a lot of power in those sweet little innocent prayers.  Maybe we'll be saved because of them and not in spite of them.

Do you have any good prayer stories?  What is the most unusual thing someone has done during a prayer at your house?  I think we've had someone throw up, had giggles turn into convulsive laughter, and kids emit sounds that are too rude for me to mention here.

Goals for Month 5

It is month 5 already!  When did that happen?  We have had such a wonderful summer.  I'm sad to see it go!  But I love the crisp golden feeling of fall in the air. 

I am about to send my three oldest off to school.   My six year-old will be starting first grade!  I have really mixed feelings about this.  I feel it is time to start giving more attention to this little girl:

And I am so desperate for a good nap (not happening, with five active kiddos, a certain single fly that seems to know where and when I'm trying to sleep, and my new TV rule!).  And less chaos.  But, at the same time, I always feel sad for a week or so after my kids start school, especially first grade.  Reality hits:  time is marching on whether I want it to or not.  This little one will not be home finger painting, singing Kindergarten songs, going to the park or story time at the library with me any more.  Those days are now over.  Though good ones are ahead!  It's just-- a special little time is over. Have I made the most of this time?  Did I cherish it enough?  Did I teach her enough?  Will she go forward feeling confident and brave as she faces some of life's realities?  Will she remember our times together, our laughs, our walks, our happy and quiet times?

This morning we sat at the breakfast table enjoying slurpy chunks of dripping watermelon, her little elbows resting on the table next to mine.  I enjoyed her golden-ish hair and gray-blue eyes, her tiny sprinkling of freckles, and a new little tooth squishing itself in amongst her baby teeth.  We laughed and talked and slurped our watermelon, dripping on last night's dinner crumbs.  We talked about school and sisters and Satan. :)  (don't ask me how these topics interwove)  Will I be ready to let her go? 

Sorry....I have digressed so much.  But there is (sort of) a point.

I have debated much internally over this month's goals.   While there are things I need to work on a little more urgently, I've decided to re-focus this month on showing love, as inspired by The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman, Campbell).   Specifically, as my kids go back to school, I want to focus on a few areas.  (The five love languages they talk about are: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts...I've already worked on two of these)  Here are this month's goals:

1.  Warm greetings (as inspired by the sneak peak from Gretchen Rubin's new book - Happier at Home) ....specifically I want to hug my kids as they come and go, and focus on smiling more.
2.  Acts of Service - create an after-school routine, including a moderately clean house, healthy prepared snack, and a few minute chat.
-- Do little things they need when they need them instead of putting them off.
-- Create a better bedtime routine (including making dinner on time so kids have plenty of time to get ready for bed).
-- Have myself or the kids prepare their own lunches every day this year.
-- Get back in the habit of doing my girls' hair!
-- Use what I learned about positive words as I leave my kids at least one note a week in their lunch or bedroom.
3.  Children's charity of the month-- as part of this blog I'd like to start learning about a new children's charity each month and use the money I earn that month to donate toward said charity. 
4.  For my husband and myself-- make something  to display that encapsulates the family goals we talked about in Month 3.

What will you miss most about summer?  I will miss fresh tomatoes, swimming, going places when we want to, and no homework!

What I Learned About Teaching Kids Nutrition (Month 4)

1.  Convenience is king.  The foods that are sitting out within easy reach get eaten the most, for good or bad.  (when grapes or cucumbers were out, kids were eating them...)

2.  Healthy eating begins with a healthy attitude about your body (earlier blog post here).

3.  Mind your attitudes about food too (here is where I list a lot of the research behind this list)-- no eating out of of boredom or sadness, for example, only out of hunger (easy to say, not always easy to do)

4.  Keeping this in mind, let your kids decide when they are full.  (don't pressure kids to finish everything on their plates, but see number 5...)

5.  Linking dessert to healthy eating throughout the day can be a powerful motivator for kids.  But, never use dessert as a reward or a punishment.

6.  Sugar begets sugar.  Save a simple treat for the end of the day, otherwise, a small amount of sugar early in the day leads to craving more and more throughout the day and derails healthy eating.  This is a tough one for us.  Some moms prefer not having sugary foods in the house at all.  Don't guilt yourself or them over this, it's just the way our bodies are wired. (like this...cute)

7.  Give kids a little credit-- my kids actually loved some of the dishes I put in front of them that I never thought they'd eat!  (not true for everything)  No one even noticed we ate veggies straight for 2 weeks.  They will not always be happy everything you make.  Don't take it personally that your healthy, lovingly prepared meal meets a "that looks like the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" (don't give up!)  They may like it after they've tried it (in our house, they have to try at least one bite of everything), and if they don't, they'll still thank you some day for trying.

8.   Plan ahead.  Remember rule #1?  When I haven't planned ahead, and we get hungry, that is when we make poor food choices. 

9.  Pay attention to your eating traditions, replacing unhealthy ones. 

10.  Labeling something a "treat" can make it feel like one. 

11.  Trust yourself.  I forced myself to try using things I had on hand (in my garden), and tried making up my own dishes instead of always following a recipe, and I did much better than I thought I would! 

12.   Eating simple healthy meals gave me more time with my kids but also was a fun way to involve them in meal preparation!   Even the time I asked my kids to go pick some corn and shuck it and bring it in, and later in the day I found a box in my bedroom that looked like it was full of long golden hair.  Huh?  Yes, look what they saved (why is it in my bedroom?):

13.  Model good eating behavior.  I'm still working on this one.  But our attempt to eat more vegetables resulted in the most weight I've lost since I had baby and the best I've felt since I had him.

14.  Sugary drinks count as a treat.

15.  Eating fresh foods and adding fresh herbs like parsley, basil, or thyme can replace some of the flavor lost with processed food, and can eventually change your taste buds so you actually crave healthier foods.  After some of our veggie dinners, sugary foods sounded gross to me.  If you knew me, you would know that is nothing short of a miracle.

16.  Enlist their aid.  When we talked about nutrition one night at the dinner table (I think this should be an ongoing discussion), I thought the kids would moan and groan, but they actually got fairly animated, saying "we should talk about this more often!"

17.  Point out the connection between healthy eating and healthy bodies.

18.  Make it fun.  Challenge the kids to find out the health benefits of the foods in a meal.  For some reason, they eat carrots better when they know that pilots in WWII were fed carrots so they could see better in the dark.

19.  Teach them that being active is an equally important part of the equation.  Remember the research that showed that exercise was more important than willpower?  I still love that one.  Getting active with the kids this month made for some really great memories.  I'm hoping that they'll learn a love for active pursuits and healthy foods just by being exposed to them often. :)

20.  Offer healthy snacks.  One mom cuts up fresh vegetables and the kids are allowed to eat them anytime, even right before dinner.  If the kids are too full for dinner, at least they are full of vegetables!

30,000 Foot Perspective

Sorry..we're off to squeeze what we can out of summer before it's over!  I will post tomorrow on next month's goals.  Miss you!

We got stuck with a window seat on our way home from New York.  Normally I would have tried to change this, but I literally just made my flight.  So I took the window seat I had been assigned, thinking we were in for a miserable time.  But we weren't.  Baby and I looked out the window at the taxiing planes and buses and trucks.  Then, as we lifted off into the sky, we watched the city sink beneath us, a layered nickel-colored crystal on the edge of a glimmering blue-gray sea.  For quite some time I could see the rise of buildings and a depression with a green Central Park in the center.  As the city gradually melted in the distance, we crossed rivers and patchworks of fields and busy interstates buzzing with tiny traffic.

Baby and I read a book, then he nursed into oblivion while I tried not to watch the soap opera next to me :) and instead looked out the window as the landscape changed.  He slept and slept, while I drizzled crumbs of a long awaited meal on his little shirt, then brushed them off.  As we climbed higher, all that was visible were columns of white puffy clouds-- silent, thoughtful sentries that marked the way home.

Baby's head was cradled in the crook of my arm, his little mouth open, sweet little breath falling in and out so softy.  His soft ginger-ish hair was curled in little wisps over his ears.  His little body was snuggled up to mine.  He was like a little angel.  So still and peaceful.  And I realized, in one year things will be so different!  My baby will not be a baby anymore!  I'm so glad I had this time with him.

I thought about my trip.  About how it felt to see my sister again, about the city and its opportunities and excitements, about how easy life was with one child in a small apartment, about my life...my children waiting at home, my husband, our garden, and our home.  Did I wish my life were different?  That I were single again, working in a busy profession, fashionable and important?  Doing things for me?  Yes, part of me did.  But only a very small part.  Mostly, I realized, I have a great life.  It is challenging.  And exhausting.  But it is so rewarding!  I wouldn't give up my crazy life with my five children.  They are what make it worth living.

I did think about things I ought to change.  Things I don't always see from an on-the-ground perspective.  Things that were suddenly more clear from a thousand miles away and 30,000 feet in the sky, surrounded by pillowy white clouds.  For example, after two very different weeks-- one on a remote but beautiful & beloved river, and another in bustling New York, I saw the same thing.  I saw that my possessions are the smallest part of the equation when it comes to my happiness.  That I used to live on nothing-- and it was happy.  I know that is not realistic now, but it made me realize-- how much time do I spend on "stuff?"  I think they're like Twinkies when it comes to real life value.  The things that last are people.  Realizing I need to go home and simplify whatever I need to simplify so I can have time for what matters most.

It was hard to leave my kids.  I always worry about safety-- theirs and mine.  I want to hold them in my hands and protect them from everything that comes their way throughout eternity.  But then they would never grow.  As hard as it was to leave, I'm glad I did.  It gave us a chance to miss each other.  And for me to show them how important my sister is to me.

I vowed within myself not to forget this time in the sky, just my snuggly baby and those clouds.  That I'm going to be different.  Better.  That when I finally return to Him, I can look Him in the eye and know I did my darndest for my kids that are really His.  That I can look back and know I didn't squander this precious opportunity to love, teach, and bless.  Because that is what life is really all about.

Ode to Claudia Kincaid, NY Day 5

Day 5.  Can you believe I got to stay five days?  I was only going to stay for three-- I always worry about the kids (though I knew they were in very capable hands).  My cute sister convinced me to stay for 5 and I'm glad I did.  She even extended my ticket on my last day so I could go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  I wanted to go there so badly.  A la Claudia Kincaid from The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. :) Yes, I, too, wish I could live in the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a week.  That would be blissful and fun.  Instead, we got there right when it opened and were able to have the museum all to ourselves for a short time before the crowds showed up.  It was so beautiful, big, and impressive.

Like Claudia, I hope I can go home different. :) (More on that later)

 We were all alone in the new Islamic section (I can't remember if that is what it was called?).  So beautiful.  Like this hand-painted Koran.

 Loved the film The Young Victoria.  Her husband was especially inspirational to me in real life.

  Reminded me of my kiddos!

 The exterior of an American home rebuilt inside the museum!  Wow.

We read I, Juan de Pareja and learned an amazing story about this man, a later-to-be freed slave of Velasquez and artist in his own right.

 Esther.

 By Mary Cassatt.  I loved their Impressionist section.

 

 I'm going to miss this place, this girl, and time with this little boy!

This month is up!  I will soon be posting this month's recap and next month's goals.  I will also be posting about church in New York here.  I hope you are having a wonderful week!