Letting Go as Little Ones Grow

Just a warning here, here comes the long and blubbering post I mentioned last week.  Let me just apologize in advance.  :)

A few days after my last baby was born, I called my mother in tears.  The reason?  The crazy, crazy reason?    Because I just didn't know how I could be done having babies.  She helped whip my blubbering self into shape with some mothering-ly kind tough love.  For now, she said, you have a baby.  Don't waste the time you do have with your baby worrying about not having any more babies.  Lol. She was so right, of course.  Since that day, I have tried, not always perfectly, to soak up each and every day with him and with the other kids as well.  But somehow, at the same time, I subconsciously felt that I could hold on to them, that I could somehow grip their childhoods so tightly that I could keep them selfishly mine and little forever.  But it doesn't work.  And that's not all bad-- for example, my little boy is at the delightful stage of dawning new words and phrases each day.  Like today, when we had to get some little girls to a potty pronto, and I scooped him up, and absentmindedly noted to him that we had to find the potty, when he replied matter-of factly (in the cutest little lilting voice): "I tink I tan [can]?!"

Without realizing it, as his birthday started to approach, I started slipping back into the anxious me that worries that somehow if I let go of that beautiful period of babyhood, I will have lost something.  Somehow if I can just....hold on, then my babies were really real, they really did make me cry every time one of them was born, I nursed them to sleep and then stroked their little angel cheeks and their little wispy hair and we smiled at each other in a secret way that I knew was just meant for me.  Then maybe I won't forget little tiny bodies curled up on mine, our breathing and our everything in sync, then maybe I won't forget first words and first steps and kissing away ouchies and sweeping up someone whose most comfortable, unafraid place is my arms.  That's where we were meant to be, together.  To kiss little cheeks and drink in little baby scent on soft folded necks to tiny squeaking giggles.  To be the first to see those little blinking eyes in a morning as we both remember we have each other!  Ha!  So lucky.  That I can just wonder at the little miracle that I made! I made (ok, with a little help!)!  Somehow I feel if I can just hold on, I won't forget, just how lovely and special and life-changing and sweet it's all been.  Having my heart outside my body.  How I never thought I wouldn't really matter anymore, when there is someone so special to love, but it's true.  Never the same.

When my grandpa died, there were some parts of me that took it hard.  The ones that grieved for things lost.  But there was another part, a cathartic part.  The part that surprised me.  Something just felt right.  I struggled to wrap my head around it, but my heart felt it, it felt right. He lived a good life.  His grandsons carried his body in strength of grief to his final resting place dug out of fresh brown dirt while new generations jumped off headstones or were calmed by strong mothers with long flowing skirts that blew with a gentle strength into a blue beyond.  The one that lets old things die, new things grow, and the middle things contribute to the creation of new life.

Do we need to be afraid of endings?  And are they really endings?  I looked around to all of the people with heads bowed in respect to my grandfather, and I saw his children, his grandchildren, his great grandchildren, all with literal physical parts of themselves that carry him on with them.  And his legacy that will live on in their minds and hearts and will carry forth to new ones that will never quite know where an idea or an inspiration came from, only to know that it became a part of them before they even noticed the ingredients that made up their individual selves.  I saw in the beauty of the children playing, the renewal, the spring after the winter.  And I saw that life isn't just full of endings and beginnings, it is full of circles that never really end or begin.  The real tragedies in life are the ones that get complacent and stale, not the ones, no matter how short, that have purpose.  Even those dearest of ones who have gone to a better world so so early, they left behind a part of themselves that is sweet and just as real.  An inspiration to live worthy of being with them again in addition to leaving behind something that literally becomes a part of those who loved them, to go on influencing people for good long after their physical presence is gone.

I do feel rather silly, for being sad about saying goodbye to babies when there are so many people out there who struggle to have children.  I have five healthy ones.  Some days I feel guilty for the ease, the plenty that I have been given.  Sometimes it doesn't seem fair.  Yet on other days, I hold my children that much closer, I love them, I appreciate them, and I do it for the childless, aching arms, because I know what is what they'd want, and what they'd do.

As I prepared for little boys birthday, some of my fears started to melt away.  Because age 2 is such a magical birthday age-- when the magic of birthdays really starts to dawn-- it can be so delightful!  (even though he is in a "no" stage and told us "no" in an angry voice-- "no birt-day!" --when we told him "its your birthday!" ha.)  I anticipated his birthday with so much excitement because I could hardly contain my excitement for his excitement.

There are still going to be some ups and downs, as I try to figure out how to wean my very attached child (yes, he would nurse all day if I let him!).  And realize that letting go is okay.  That progression is good, and it is not an ending.  Um, didn't I call my mother to sob about being done having babies?  As I still call my mom when times are tough or happy or anything inbetween.  I still need my own mom, no matter how tough or independent I try to appear.  So motherhood doesn't end either, as we grow right along with our little ones.

I am so thankful I have been able to take part in this circle of life, to give of myself in ways that make my children stronger and happier without knowing quite how or why.   Life with its cycles of sowing and harvest, its chain of renewal, its sweeps from old to new and back again, that is what it is all about.  The only thing to really be afraid of is stagnation, a stalling of progress around the chain from its forward movement around the circle that binds us.

Haley Gibby sang my favorite version of the Billy Joel song Goodnight My Angel, you can listen to it here.  I had it originally playing on this birth announcement for Emerson here (don't know why the photos but not the songs are working now).

Goodnight my angel time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day.
I think I know what you've been asking me,
I think you know what I've been trying to say.
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
I never will be far away.

Goodnight my angel now its time to sleep,
And still so many things I want to say.
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay.
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this mother's heart
You'll always be a part of me.

Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Some day your child may cry and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part
Of me.

(I found these old photos of the day we blessed our little Ava.  )

Back

Well, I guess I'm back from crazy land today.  I'm sorry.  I truly lost it yesterday.  I was indeed crying my guts out while I wrote that post.  I'm kind of embarrassed.  It was cathartic to let it all out, but I tucked the post away for a minute because its a little raw and tender, like a good fat blessed bleeding steak cut fresh off the cow. :)  Maybe I'll put it back up later, when I can laugh about it.  (and you know, it's funny?  I wouldn't change a thing about my life, even all the hard things I've been through.  And I am so glad my parents believed in me so much as a child--and still do--and never wanted me to feel stygmatized or that I couldn't do something I set my mind to.  They are angels and I owe most of what is good in my life to them.)

Thanks for your support everyone, it's been a tough month for me.

Last night I went to listen to a woman speak about becoming a quadriplegic.   Nothing like a little perspective.  Here is a poem she read:

THE WEAVER
________________________________
Written by B.M. Franklin (1882-1965)

My life is just a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaves so skillfully.

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why-

The dark threads are as needful,
In The Weaver’s skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

When life is its toughest, I have always turned to God for support and he has never let me down, even though he hasn't ever been the cause of my problem.  I have to admit I was a little angry at him over a couple of things, so I needed a reminder that I cannot do this alone and it is foolish to be angry with my best friend, cheerleader, and helper. :)

The thing that stood out to me  most in her talk was the strong impression that I got about helping others.  For me, it has always been the strongest antidote to sorrow.  Its nearly impossible to feel badly about my own troubles when I'm helping someone else with theirs.  And that is something that has been missing in my life lately, minus the daily little things I do for the kids.  Its funny, that at the same time this came to me, the woman speaking also wove the same thread (looking outside oneself) through her talk.  She spoke about a particularly bad day for her when she saw a little girl in a crowded room (I can't remember where this was?) and had the feeling she needed to talk to her.  She said she was annoyed that she felt she ought to talk to the little girl, because she was very busy and the little girl was surrounded by others who were playing games and doing fun things (if she wanted to play, she would have joined one of their games, she reasoned).  But the nagging feeling wouldn't leave.  So she wheeled over and asked if the little girl wanted to play several different games, which to each request the little girl sighed and said "no."  Then the woman, feeling a little exasperated, noticed that the little girl's hair was uncombed and she was wearing mis-matched clothes.  She asked the little girl if she would like her to comb her hair, to which the little girl responded in the affirmative.  As she was doing this little act of service, the little girl said in a tiny despondent voice that her mother used to comb her hair for her.  To which the woman queried about the girl's mother, who then responded: "she died yesterday."  I don't think there was a dry eye in the place when this story finished.

Isn't that one of the greatest things about having kids?  The daily opportunity we have to look outside ourselves.  Its funny that we moms joke about all the things that pregnancy and childbirth does to our hips, our waistline, our sagging...bodies.  We talk about lost sleep and the times when we didn't shower until 5pm and not being able to go to the bathroom alone, let alone get in some personal time.  Yet there is a little hidden secret in all that, and it is that we get so much more than we give.  The recipe for a fulfilling life is finding someone to bless outside yourself.  

Sorry for the font ADD.  You know what?  In spite of my crazy mood swings, this has been a great month as far as my goals!  I got in a couple of needed doctor appointments, and can use them as stepping stones for the future, and our morning routine has gone pretty well!  

What I Learned About Teaching Kids Nutrition (Month 4)

1.  Convenience is king.  The foods that are sitting out within easy reach get eaten the most, for good or bad.  (when grapes or cucumbers were out, kids were eating them...)

2.  Healthy eating begins with a healthy attitude about your body (earlier blog post here).

3.  Mind your attitudes about food too (here is where I list a lot of the research behind this list)-- no eating out of of boredom or sadness, for example, only out of hunger (easy to say, not always easy to do)

4.  Keeping this in mind, let your kids decide when they are full.  (don't pressure kids to finish everything on their plates, but see number 5...)

5.  Linking dessert to healthy eating throughout the day can be a powerful motivator for kids.  But, never use dessert as a reward or a punishment.

6.  Sugar begets sugar.  Save a simple treat for the end of the day, otherwise, a small amount of sugar early in the day leads to craving more and more throughout the day and derails healthy eating.  This is a tough one for us.  Some moms prefer not having sugary foods in the house at all.  Don't guilt yourself or them over this, it's just the way our bodies are wired. (like this...cute)

7.  Give kids a little credit-- my kids actually loved some of the dishes I put in front of them that I never thought they'd eat!  (not true for everything)  No one even noticed we ate veggies straight for 2 weeks.  They will not always be happy everything you make.  Don't take it personally that your healthy, lovingly prepared meal meets a "that looks like the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" (don't give up!)  They may like it after they've tried it (in our house, they have to try at least one bite of everything), and if they don't, they'll still thank you some day for trying.

8.   Plan ahead.  Remember rule #1?  When I haven't planned ahead, and we get hungry, that is when we make poor food choices. 

9.  Pay attention to your eating traditions, replacing unhealthy ones. 

10.  Labeling something a "treat" can make it feel like one. 

11.  Trust yourself.  I forced myself to try using things I had on hand (in my garden), and tried making up my own dishes instead of always following a recipe, and I did much better than I thought I would! 

12.   Eating simple healthy meals gave me more time with my kids but also was a fun way to involve them in meal preparation!   Even the time I asked my kids to go pick some corn and shuck it and bring it in, and later in the day I found a box in my bedroom that looked like it was full of long golden hair.  Huh?  Yes, look what they saved (why is it in my bedroom?):

13.  Model good eating behavior.  I'm still working on this one.  But our attempt to eat more vegetables resulted in the most weight I've lost since I had baby and the best I've felt since I had him.

14.  Sugary drinks count as a treat.

15.  Eating fresh foods and adding fresh herbs like parsley, basil, or thyme can replace some of the flavor lost with processed food, and can eventually change your taste buds so you actually crave healthier foods.  After some of our veggie dinners, sugary foods sounded gross to me.  If you knew me, you would know that is nothing short of a miracle.

16.  Enlist their aid.  When we talked about nutrition one night at the dinner table (I think this should be an ongoing discussion), I thought the kids would moan and groan, but they actually got fairly animated, saying "we should talk about this more often!"

17.  Point out the connection between healthy eating and healthy bodies.

18.  Make it fun.  Challenge the kids to find out the health benefits of the foods in a meal.  For some reason, they eat carrots better when they know that pilots in WWII were fed carrots so they could see better in the dark.

19.  Teach them that being active is an equally important part of the equation.  Remember the research that showed that exercise was more important than willpower?  I still love that one.  Getting active with the kids this month made for some really great memories.  I'm hoping that they'll learn a love for active pursuits and healthy foods just by being exposed to them often. :)

20.  Offer healthy snacks.  One mom cuts up fresh vegetables and the kids are allowed to eat them anytime, even right before dinner.  If the kids are too full for dinner, at least they are full of vegetables!

Teaching Kids Healthy Attitudes About Their Bodies

I'm learning a lot about how a person's attitude toward food affects how he/she eats.  But I've also realized that there is a step before that.  It is how one views one's body. (see here) 

This is quite funny, because just the other day I had a little conversation with myself in the mirror.  I happened to catch myself on a bad day, and looking at myself in the mirror, lets just say my feeling was bordering somewhere between horror, dismay, and disgust.  Saggy, wrinkly, pasty white, wiry thinning hair, and an unflattering paunch around my middle.  I tried to fight the negative thoughts with positive ones-- remembering all the good things my body has done, like nourish five healthy little miracles inside it.  I tried to write a lighthearted poem about my showdown with the mirror-- it's not finished, when it is, maybe I'll share.

Here is what I've been thinking about bodily attitudes :), as I prepare to help my kiddos have healthy attitudes about their bodies:

1)  My value does not lie in the way I look.  I'm valuable insofar as I try to be a good person, kind, loving.  That makes real beauty-- pretty is is pretty does.

2)  My body is a gift. 

This has become even more apparent to me after having aforesaid healthy babies.  I'm always amazed that my body can perform such an amazing feat!  Starting with cells smaller than I can see, I grow a little life inside me, with a tiny beating heart and little fingers and toes and functioning organs and even a little personality.

3)  There is no universal optimum size.  Healthy bodies come in all different shapes and sizes.  Thin doesn't necessarily mean healthy.

I remember from a very young age learning from peers that some people believed there were a set of perfect measurements and they roughly mirrored the dimensions of a Barbie (ouch!).  A few years ago, I read this talk (start 7 paragraphs from bottom), about how there is no universal optimum size (written by a man, no less), and it revolutionized the way I look at my body.

4)  God looks on the heart.  So should I. (sam 16:7--  ...Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord ^aseeth not as ^bman seeth; for man looketh on the outward ^cappearance, but the ^dLord looketh on the ^eheart.)

When I see my stretchmarks or varicose veins, I need to make a conscious effort to remember they are signs of one of my greatest blessings and triumphs!  The fact that I'm willing to sacrifice for someone else should make me more beautiful, not less so.  I need to look on my own heart, too.

5)  Society is increasingly objectifying women, through music, magazines, and TV, and it starts young (think princess!).

I am not an object.  Give myself positive messages: I am a smart, giving, worthwhile individual, not a collection of body parts to be gawked at (or not!).  Men and women suffer when women are portrayed as objects-- it hurts men's self esteem too, to be told they are nothing more than a collection of uncontrolled hormones (of course the reverse is also true, think werewolf).

I've noticed a correlation between how many movies I watch and how I feel about myself-- when I'm watching less I have more realistic expectations about my body and feel much better about myself. 

6)  I can show respect for my body by how I treat it-- what I take into it, put on it, subject it to. 

I used to be an unapologetic tanning machine, but seeing my kid's gorgeous creamy skin and realizing I don't want to look like a handbag when I'm 40 nor deal with skin cancer has made me a sunscreen user (I'm a Nazi with my kids and sunscreen!  I want to keep their beautiful skin nice.  And I cover their ears to protect their hearing in loud places, too.)



7)  My body is the other half of my soul.  If I degrade my body (um....half of a cake yesterday?) it dulls my ability to feel and think clearly.  Also, if I get too extreme in this sense, it inhibits my ability to give to others.

8)  Remember who I am!  I am this.  Not a set of arms and legs and abs (flabby ones).  When was the last time I thought of Mother Theresa's measurements?  Or how she looked in a swimsuit? 

I need to have proper attitudes about my body in order to be a healthy eater.  I have to model this for my kids and teach them, so they will believe in their true potential and value themselves for the right things. 

I'm beautiful because of my stretchmarks and falling out hair and vein-y legs.  Because they show I loved someone else more than myself.  And that is beautiful.

The Verdict on Month One

Month one is almost over. Things I learned:

1 - my dishwasher can handle dirtier dishes than I thought it could :)

2 - clearing out one time waster made a huge difference in my productivity.

3 - the quality time I spent with my kids each day was often the highlight of the whole day.

4 - getting outside and being more active made a big difference in my mood and made for some fun memories with the kids.

5 - keeping my own well refilled is just as important to this project as the things I'm doing with my kids...I need to stay balanced so I have enough to give.

6 - I'm even more of a procrastinator than I thought--why the "interruption factor" is so hard for me. (note: when first I noticed this, I realized this is so hard for me I saw myself as a lost cause in this regard...but I'm amazed that a little awareness goes a long way-- just being aware I need to work on it has made it easier)

7 - When it comes to tasks, its all about expectations-- low expectations, that is. :) (if I set my expectations too high, like thinking I can clean the whole house in an hour, then I'm just setting myself up to be frustrated, especially at the interruptions)-- I need to keep expectations especially low on busy days...(and I need to expect to be interrupted!)

8 - awareness of what causes me stress-- panic time tends to come when I haven't planned ahead, leave too little time to get little bodies somewhere, or when the house is messy.

9 - the weeds can wait - nothing beats the feeling of knowing I did something really important today...the dishes can wait, and so can the weeds, or the laundry, but my kids aren't going to wait around to grow up...I don't want to miss it!

10- Be flexible.

11- When it comes to quality time with the kids, 5 minutes can mean a lot.

12 - When I put God first, the rest falls into place.

13 - I can have memorable dates with hubby without going anywhere far away or fancy.

14 - I made too many resolutions for one month :)-- I'm just too excited & have lots to work on-- next month's will be simpler.

15 - we had some really special times together! (I'm going to post a poem tomorrow about one of them)  What a great experience so far.